* * * * *
_5 o’clock in the evening._
The appeal is rejected, as I might have expected it would be. They have
just told me. Ask immediately for permission to see me.
Send me what I asked you for; that is to say, my sabre, my belt, and the
valise with my belongings. The cruel and horrible anguish is
approaching; I am going to meet it with the dignity of a pure and
tranquil conscience. To tell you that I do not suffer would be to lie;
but I shall not weaken. I shall be strong. Keep on, for your part,
without truce, without rest.
* * * * *
_1 January, 1895._
My Darling:
It is no longer Sunday. It is the beginning of Monday. The stroke of
midnight has just sounded at this moment, as I lighted my candle. I
cannot sleep. I would rather rise than toss upon my bed, and what more
delicious occupation than to talk with you! When I write it seems that
you are near me, as it used to be in those good evenings of my happy
memories, when, as I sat at my desk, you would work by my side.
Let us hope--let us hope that happiness shall shine again for us. It is
impossible that some day the light of truth shall not make all clear. I
know the energetic character of Mathieu; I have learned to appreciate
your energy, your profound devotion, I will say your heroism; and I do
not doubt the success of your investigations.
You are right to act with calmness, with method. Your progress will be
surer.
But I hope that soon I can speak of all this face to face with you.
From this hour the agony is to become still more bitter. First, the
humiliating ceremony, then the sufferings which will follow it. I shall
bear them calmly, with dignity--be sure of it.
To say that I have not at times moments of violent revolt would be to
lie. The injustice is by far too cruel; but I have faith in the future;
and I hope to have my recompense.
So I try to think that the time will come when my only care will be to
ensure my happiness--the happiness of our dear children.
I have received a charming letter from Marie, which I shall answer one
of these days.
Be of good courage always, my darling. Take good care of your health,
for you will have need of all your strength; your courage must not
betray you in the crucial moment. Good-night and good rest.