_Monday, 31 December, 1894._
My dear Lucie:
I thought a long time last night of my father, of all my family. I do
not hide from you that I wept long. But the tears comforted me. Our
consolation is the deep affection that unites us all; it is the
affection which I find in your family as in my own.
It is impossible, when we are so bound together, when we are upheld by
the wonderful devotion shown us by Me. Demange, that we shall not sooner
or later discover the truth. I was wrong to wish to desert life. I had
not the right to. I will struggle as long as I have a breath of life. In
these long days, in these sad nights, my soul is purified and
strengthened. My duty is clearly traced. I must leave my children a name
pure and stainless.
Let us strive for that, my darling, without a truce, without rest. Let
us not be rebuffed by the difficulty of any step, of any attempt. We
must try everything.
The books of M. Bayles, which you sent me, are enough for the moment;
later I shall need a work with exercises, with corrections on the
opposite page; so that I can work by myself.
For the moment I must gather all my strength to meet the horrible
humiliation that awaits me. But do not relax a single instant. You may,
perhaps, enter upon a course of which I have spoken to Me. Demange this
evening. Nothing must be neglected; everything must be tried.