"I 'ear this 'ere Patti ain't _'arf_ bad!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Would you gentlemen like to look at the old church?"
"Ho, yus. We're _nuts_ on old churches!"]
* * * * *
Quoth an eminent literary man, in the hearing of 'Arry, "All George
Meredith's poetry might be republished under one title as 'Our
Georgics.'"
"Oo's 'Icks'?" asked 'Arry.
* * * * *
"THE TEACHING OF ERSE IN IRELAND."--"Well," says 'Arry, "it sounds
uncommon funereal. O' course I knew an erse and plumes and coal black
'osses is what they call a 'moral lesson.' But why make such a fuss
about it in Ireland?"
* * * * *
AN AWKWARD NAME.--'Arry, on a marine excursion, hearing mention made of
the two sea-birds the great auk and the little auk, inquired if the
little auk was a sparrow-'awk.
* * * * *
"He is the greatest liar on (H)earth," as the Cockney said of the
lap-dog he often saw lying before the fire.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE VERNACULAR.
"Yer know that young Germin feller as come ter sty in our 'ouse six
months agow? Well, w'en fust 'e come, I give yer my word'e didn' know
nothink but 'is own lengwidge; but we bin learnin' 'im English, an' now
e' can speak it puffick--jes' the sime as wot you an' me can."]
* * * * *
DINNER FOR THE H-LESS. GOOD EDUCATIONAL COURSE FOR AN UNEDUCATED
COCKNEY.--An _aitch_-bone.
* * * * *
COCKNEYS AT ALDERSHOT.--_First Cockney._ "'Ere, 'Arry, where's the
colonel?"
_Second Cockney._ "The _colonel_, bless yer, 'e's in _an 'ut_."
* * * * *
HOUSEHOLD NOTE.--_(By a Cockney). What to do with cold mutton. H_eat
it.
* * * * *
COCKNEY CONUNDRUM.--Wot lake in Hengland's got the glassiest buzzum?
Windermere.
* * * * *
FOR CIVES ROMANI.--The way to 'Ampton races?--The 'Appy 'Un (Appian) of
course.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _'Bus Conductor._ "Emmersmith! Emmersmith! 'Ere ye are
Emmersmith!"
_Liza Ann._ "Oo er yer callin' Emmer Smith? Sorcy 'ound!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: POOR LETTER "A."
"Do you sell type?"--"Type, sir? No, sir. This is an ironmonger's.
You'll find type at the linendryper's over the w'y!"
"I don't mean _tape_, man! _Type_, for _printing_!"
"Oh, _toype_ yer mean! I beg yer pardon, sir!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MYOPIA
_Little Binks (to unsteady party who had lurched heavily against him)._
"I beg your pardon, I'm sure, but I'm very short-sighted----"
_Dissipated Stranger._ "Do' mensh't, shir--I've met goo' many shor'
sight peopl'sh morn', bu' you're firsh gen'l'm'sh made 'shli'sht
'pology!"]
* * * * *