Melville restrained a movement of impatience, he tells me, at that.
Then Chatteris, he says, broke into a sort of speech. "The case is
tried," he said, "the judgment has been given. I am that I am. I've been
through it all and worked it out. I am a man and I must go a man's way.
There is Desire, the light and guide of the world, a beacon on a
headland blazing out. Let it burn! Let it burn! The road runs near it
and by it--and past.... I've made my choice. I've got to be a man, I've
got to live a man and die a man and carry the burden of my class and
time. There it is! I've had the dream, but you see I keep hold of
reason. Here, with the flame burning, I renounce it. I make my
choice.... Renunciation! Always--renunciation! That is life for all of
us. We have desires, only to deny them, senses that we all must starve.
We can live only as a part of ourselves. Why should _I_ be exempt. For
me, she is evil. For me she is death.... Only why have I seen her face?
Why have I heard her voice?..."