CAPTAIN AND MRS. TO--PORK--WE GO TO PLYMOUTH AND FALL IN WITH OUR OLD
CAPTAIN.
I immediately took leave of my family, and set off for Portsmouth, and
in two days arrived at the Fountain Inn, where O'Brien was waiting to
receive me. "Peter, my boy, I feel so much obliged to you, that if your
uncle won't go out of the world by fair means, I'll pick a quarrel with
him, and shoot him, on purpose that you may be a lord, as I am
determined that you shall be. Now come up into my room, where we'll be
all alone, and I'll tell you all about the ship and our new captain. In
the first place, we'll begin with the ship, as the most important
personage of the two: she's a beauty. I forget her name before she was
taken, but the French know how to build ships better than keep them.
She's now called the _Sanglier_, which means a wild pig, and, by the
powers! a pig ship she is, as you will hear directly. The captain's
name is a very short one, and wouldn't please Mr Chucks, consisting
only of two letters, T and O, which makes, To; his whole title is
Captain John To. It would almost appear as if somebody had broken off
the better half of his name, and only left him the commencement of it;
but, however, it's a handy name to sign when he pays off his ship. And
now I'll tell you what sort of a looking craft he is. He's built like a
Dutch schuyt, great breadth of beam, and very square tuck. He applied
to have the quarter galleries enlarged in the two last ships he
commanded. He weighs about eighteen stone, rather more than less. He
is a good-natured sort of a chap, amazingly ungenteel, not much of an
officer, not much of a sailor, but a devilish good hand at the trencher.
But he's only a part of the concern; he has his wife on board, who is a
red-herring sort of a lady, and very troublesome to boot. What makes
her still more annoying is, that she has _a piano_ on board, very much
out of _tune_, on which she plays very much out of _time_. Holystoning
is music compared with her playing; even the captain's spaniel howls
when she comes to the high notes; but she affects the fine lady, and
always treats the officers with music when they dine in the cabin, which
makes them very glad to get out of it."
"But, O'Brien, I thought wives were not permitted on board."
"Very true, but there's the worst part in the man's character: he knows
that he is not allowed to take his wife to sea, and, in consequence, he
never says she _is_ his wife, or presents her on shore to anybody. If
any of the other captains ask how Mrs To is to-day, `Why,' he replies,
`pretty well, I thank you,' but at the same time he gives a kind of
smirk, as if to say, `She is not my wife;' and although everybody knows
that she is, yet he prefers that they should think otherwise, rather
than be at the expense of keeping her on shore: for you know, Peter,
that although there are regulations about wives, there are none with
regard to other women."
"But does his wife know this?" inquired I.
"I believe, from my heart, that she is a party to the whole transaction,
for report says, that she would skin a flint if she could. She's always
trying for presents from the officers, and, in fact, she commands the
ship."
"Really, O'Brien, this is not a very pleasant prospect."
"Whist! wait a little; now I come to the wind-up. This Captain To is
very partial to pig's _mate_, and we have as many live pigs on board as
we have pigs of ballast. The first lieutenant is right mad about them.
At the same time he allows no pigs but his own on board, that there may
be no confusion. The manger is full of pigs; there are two cow-pens
between the main-deck guns, drawn from the dock-yard, and converted into
pig-pens. The two sheep-pens amidships are full of pigs, and the geese
and turkey-coops are divided off into apartments for four _sows_ in the
_family way_. Now, Peter, you see there's little or no expense in
keeping pigs on board of a large frigate, with so much pay-soup and
whole peas for them to eat, and this is the reason why he keeps them,
for the devil a bit of any other stock has he on board. I presume he
means to _milk_ one of the _old sows_ for breakfast when the ship sails.
The first thing that he does in the morning, is to go round to his pigs
with the butcher, feeling one, scratching the dirty ears of another, and
then he classes them--his _bacon_ pigs, his _porkers_, his _breeding_
sows, and so on. The old boar is still at the stables of this inn, but
I hear he is to come on board with the sailing orders; but he is very
savage, and is therefore left on shore to the very last moment. Now
really, Peter, what with the squealing of the pigs and his wife's piano
we are almost driven mad. I don't know which is the worst of the two;
if you go aft you hear the one, if you go forward you, hear the other,
by way of variety, and that, they say, is charming. But, is it not
shocking that such a beautiful frigate should be turned into a pig-sty,
and that her main-deck should smell worse than a muck-heap?"
"But how does his wife like the idea of living only upon hog's flesh?"
"She! Lord bless you, Peter! why, she looks as spare as a shark, and
she has just the appetite of one; for she'll _boil_ a four-pound piece
of pork before it's well put on her plate."
"Have you any more such pleasant intelligence to communicate, O'Brien?"
"No, Peter, you have the worst of it. The lieutenants are good
officers, and pleasant messmates; the doctor is a little queer, and the
purser thinks himself a wag; the master, an old north-countryman, who
knows his duty, and takes his glass of grog. The midshipmen are a very
genteel set of young men, and full of fun and frolic. I'll bet a wager,
there'll be a bobbery in the pig-sty before long, for they are ripe for
mischief. Now, Peter, I hardly need say that my cabin and everything I
have is at your service; and I think if we could only have a devil of a
gale of wind, or a hard-fought action, to send the pigs over-board and
smash the _piano_, we should do very well."
The next day I went on board, and was shown down into the cabin, to
report my having joined. Mrs To, a tall, thin woman, was at her piano;
she rose, and asked me several questions--who my friends were--how much
they allowed me a year, and many other questions, which I thought
impertinent; but a captain's wife is allowed to take liberties. She
then asked me if I was fond of music? That was a difficult question,
as, if I said that I was, I should in all probability be obliged to hear
it; if I said that I was not, I might have created a dislike in her. So
I replied that I was very fond of music on shore, when it was not
interrupted by other noises. "Ah! then I perceive you are a real
amateur, Mr Simple," replied the lady.
Captain To then came out of the after-cabin, half-dressed. "Well,
youngster, so you've joined at last. Come and dine with us to-day: and,
as you go down to your berth, desire the sentry to pass the word for the
butcher; I want to speak with him."
I bowed and retired. I was met in the most friendly manner by the
officers and by my own messmates, who had been prepossessed in my favour
by O'Brien previous to my arrival. In our service you always find young
men of the best families on board large frigates, they being considered
the most eligible class of vessels; I found my messmates to be
gentlemen, with one or two exceptions, but I never met so many wild
young lads together. I sat down and ate some dinner with them, although
I was to dine in the cabin, for the sea air made me hungry.
"Don't you dine in the cabin, Simple?" said the caterer.
"Yes," replied I.
"Then don't eat any pork, my boy, now, for you'll have plenty there.
Come, gentlemen, fill your glasses; we'll drink happiness to our new
messmate, and pledging him, we pledge ourselves to try to promote it."
"I'll just join you in that toast," said O'Brien, walking into the
midshipmen's berth. "What is it you're drinking it in?"
"Some of Collier's port, sir. Boy, bring a glass for Mr O'Brien."
"Here's your health, Peter, and wishing you may keep out of a French
prison this cruise. Mr Montague, as caterer, I beg you will order
another candle, that I may see what's on the table, and then perhaps I
may find something I should like to pick a bit off."
"Here's the fag end of a leg of mutton, Mr O'Brien, and there's a piece
of boiled pork."
"Then I'll just trouble you for a bit close to the knuckle. Peter, you
dine in the cabin, so do I--the doctor refused."
"Have you heard when we sail, Mr O'Brien?" inquired one of my
messmates.
"I heard at the admiral's office, that we were expected to be ordered
round to Plymouth, and receive our orders there, either for the East or
West Indies, they thought; and, indeed, the stores we have taken on
board indicates that we are going foreign, but the captain's signal is
just made, and probably the admiral has intelligence to communicate."
In about an hour afterwards the captain returned, looking very red and
hot. He called the first lieutenant aside from the rest of the
officers, who were on deck to receive him, and told him that we were to
start for Plymouth the next morning; and the admiral had told him
confidentially, that we were to proceed to the West Indies with a
convoy, which was then collecting. He appeared to be very much alarmed
at the idea of going to make a feast for the land crabs; and certainly
his gross habit of body rendered him very unfit for the climate. This
news was soon spread through the ship, and there was of course no little
bustle and preparation. The doctor, who had refused to dine in the
cabin upon plea of being unwell, sent up to say, that he felt himself so
much better, that he should have great pleasure in attending the
summons, and he joined the first lieutenant, O'Brien, and me, as we
walked in. We sat down to table; the covers were removed, and, as the
midshipmen prophesied, there was plenty of pork--mock-turtle soup, made
out of a pig's head--a boiled leg of pork and peas-pudding--a roast
spare-rib with the crackling on--sausages and potatoes, and pig's
pettitoes. I cannot say that I disliked my dinner, and I ate very
heartily; but a roast sucking-pig came on as a second course, which
rather surprised me: but what surprised me more, was the quantity
devoured by Mrs To. She handed her plate from the boiled pork to the
roast, asked for some pettitoes, tried the sausages, and finished with a
whole plateful of sucking-pig and stuffing. We had an apple-pie at the
end, but as we had already eaten apple sauce with the roast pork, we did
not care for it. The doctor, who abominated pork, ate pretty well, and
was excessively attentive to Mrs To.
"Will you not take a piece of the roast pig, doctor?" said the captain.
"Why really, Captain To, as we are bound, by all reports, to a station
where we must not venture upon pork, I think I will not refuse to take a
piece, for I am very fond of it."
"How do you mean?" inquired the captain and his lady, both in a breath.
"Perhaps I may be wrongly informed," replied the doctor; "but I have
heard that we were ordered to the West Indies; now, if so, every one
knows, that although you may eat salt pork there occasionally without
danger, in all tropical climates, and especially the West Indies, two or
three days' living upon this meat will immediately produce dysentery,
which is always fatal in that climate."
"Indeed!" exclaimed the captain.
"You don't say so?" rejoined the lady.
"I do indeed: and have always avoided the West Indies for that very,
reason--I am so fond of pork."
The doctor then proceeded to give nearly one hundred instances of
messmates and shipmen who had been attacked with dysentery, from the
eating of fresh pork in the West Indies; and O'Brien, perceiving the
doctor's drift, joined him, telling some most astonishing accounts of
the dreadful effects of pork in a hot country. I think he said, that
when the French were blockaded, previous to the surrender of Martinique,
that having nothing but pigs to eat, thirteen hundred out of seventeen
hundred soldiers and officers died in the course of three weeks, and the
others were so reduced by disease, that they were obliged to capitulate.
The doctor then changed the subject, and talked about the yellow fever,
and other diseases of the climate; so that by his account, the West
India islands were but hospitals to die in. Those most likely to be
attacked were men in full strong health. The spare men stood a better
chance. This conversation was carried on until it was time to leave--
Mrs To at last quite silent, and the captain gulping down his wine with
a sigh. When we rose from table, Mrs To did not ask us, as usual, to
stay and hear a little music; she was, like her piano, not a little out
of tune.
"By the powers, doctor, you did that nately," said O'Brien, as we left
the cabin.
"O'Brien," said the doctor, "oblige me, and you, Mr Simple, oblige me
also, by not saying a word in the ship about what I have said; if it
once gets wind, I shall have done no good; but if you both hold your
tongues for a short time, I think I may promise you to get rid of
Captain To, his wife, and his pigs." We perceived the justice of his
observation, and promised secrecy. The next day the ship sailed for
Plymouth, and Mrs To sent for the doctor, not being very well. The
doctor prescribed for her, and I believe, on my conscience, made her
worse on purpose. The illness of his wife, and his own fears, brought
Captain To more than usual in contact with the doctor, of whom he
frequently asked his candid opinion, as to his own chance in a hot
country.
"Captain To," said the doctor, "I never would have given my opinion, if
you had not asked it, for I am aware, that, as an officer, you would
never flinch from your duty, to whatever quarter of the globe you may be
ordered; but as you have asked the question, I must say, with your full
habit of body, I think you would not stand a chance of living for more
than two months. At the same time, sir, I may be mistaken; but at all
events, I must point out that Mrs To is of a very bilious habit, and I
trust you will not do such an injustice to an amiable women, as to
permit her to accompany you."
"Thanky, doctor, I am much obliged to you," replied the captain, turning
round and going down the ladder to his cabin. We were then beating down
the Channel; for, although we ran through the Needles with a fair wind,
it fell calm, and shifted to the westward, when we were abreast of
Portland. The next day the captain gave an order for a very fine pig to
be killed, for he was out of provisions. Mrs To still kept her bed,
and he therefore directed that a part should be salted, as he could have
no company. I was in the midshipmen's berth, when some of them proposed
that we should get possession of the pig; and the plan they agreed upon
was as follows:--they were to go to the pen that night, and with a
needle stuck in a piece of wood, to prick the pig all over, and then rub
gunpowder into the parts wounded. This was done, and although the
butcher was up a dozen times during the night to ascertain what made the
pigs so uneasy, the midshipmen passed the needle from watch to watch,
until the pig was well tattooed in all parts. In the morning watch it
was killed, and when it had been scalded in the tub, and the hair taken
off, it appeared covered with blue spots. The midshipman of the morning
watch, who was on the main-deck, took care to point out to the butcher,
that the pork was _measly_, to which the man unwilling assented,
stating, at the same time, that he could not imagine how it could be,
for a finer pig he had never put a knife into. The circumstance was
reported to the captain, who was much astonished. The doctor came in to
visit Mrs To, and the captain requested the doctor to examine the pig,
and give his opinion. Although this was not the doctor's province, yet,
as he had great reason for keeping intimate with the captain, he
immediately consented. Going forward, he met me, and I told him the
secret. "That will do," replied he; "it all tends to what we wish."
The doctor returned to the captain, and said that "there was no doubt
but that the pig was measly, which was a complaint very frequent on
board ships, particularly in hot climates, where all pork became
_measly_--one great reason for its there proving so unwholesome." The
captain sent for the first lieutenant, and, with a deep sigh, ordered
him to throw the pig overboard; but the first lieutenant, who knew what
had been done from O'Brien, ordered the _master's mate_ to throw it
overboard; the master's mate, touching his hat said, "Ay, ay, sir," and
took it down into the berth, where we cut it up, salted one half, and
the other we finished before we arrived at Plymouth, which was six days
from the time we left Portsmouth. On our arrival, we found part of the
convoy lying there, but no orders for us; and, to my great delight, on
the following day the _Diomede_ arrived, from a cruise off the Western
Islands. I obtained permission to go on board with O'Brien, and we once
more greeted our messmates. Mr Falcon, the first lieutenant, went down
to Captain Savage, to say we were on board, and he requested us to come
into the cabin. He greeted us warmly, and gave us great credit for the
manner in which we had effected our escape. When we left the cabin, I
found Mr Chucks, the boatswain, waiting outside.
"My dear Mr Simple, extend your flapper to me, for I'm delighted to see
you. I long to have a long talk with you."
"And I should like it also, Mr Chucks, but I am afraid we have not
time; I dine with Captain Savage to-day, and it only wants an hour of
dinner-time."
"Well, Mr Simple, I've been looking at your frigate, and she's a
beauty--much larger than the _Diomede_."
"And she behaves quite as well," replied I. "I think we are two hundred
tons larger. You've no idea of her size until you are on her decks."
"I should like to be boatswain of her, Mr Simple: that is, with Captain
Savage, for I will not part with him." I had some more conversation
with Mr Chucks, but I was obliged to attend to others, who interrupted
us. We had a very pleasant dinner with our old captain, to whom we gave
a history of our adventures, and then we returned on board.