NEW THEORY OF MR. MUDDLE REMARKABLE FOR HAVING NO END TO IT--NOVEL
PRACTICE OF MR. CHUCKS--O'BRIEN COMMENCES HIS HISTORY--I BRING UP THE
MASTER'S NIGHT-GLASS.
As I have already mentioned sufficient of the captain and the first
lieutenant to enable the reader to gain an insight into their
characters, I shall now mention two very odd personages who were my
shipmates, the carpenter and the boatswain. The carpenter, whose name
was Muddle, used to go by the appellation of Philosopher Chips; not that
he followed any particular school, but had formed a theory of his own,
from which he was not to be dissuaded. This was, that the universe had
its cycle of events which turned round, so that in a certain period of
time everything was to happen over again. I never could make him
explain upon what data his calculations were founded; he said, that if
he explained it, I was too young to comprehend it; but the fact was
this, that "in 27,672 years everything that was going on now would be
going on again, with the same people as were existing at this present
time." He very seldom ventured to make the remark to Captain Savage,
but to the first lieutenant he did very often. "I've been as close to
it as possible, sir, I do assure you, although you find fault; but
27,672 years ago you were first lieutenant of this ship, and I was
carpenter, although we recollect nothing about it; and 27,672 years
hence we shall both be standing by this boat, talking about the repairs,
as we are now."
"I do not doubt it, Mr Muddle," replied the first lieutenant; "I dare
say that it is all very true, but the repairs must be finished this
night, and 27,672 years hence you will have the order just as positive
as you have it now, so let it be done."
But the boatswain was a more amusing personage. He was considered to be
the _taughtest_ (that is, the most active and severe) boatswain in the
service. He went by the name of "Gentleman Chucks"--the latter was his
surname. He appeared to have received half an education; sometimes his
language was for a few sentences remarkably well chosen, but, all of a
sudden, he would break down at a hard word; but I shall be able to let
the reader into more of his history as I go on with my adventures. He
had a very handsome person, inclined to be stout, keen eyes, and hair
curling in ringlets. He held his head up, and strutted as he walked.
He declared that "an officer should look like an officer, and _comport_
himself accordingly." In his person he was very clean, wore rings on
his great fingers, and a large frill to his bosom, which stuck out like
the back fin of a perch, and the collar of his shirt was always pulled
up to a level with his cheek bones. He never appeared on deck without
his "persuader," which was three rattans twisted into one, like a cable;
sometimes he called it his Order of the Bath, or his Tri_o_ junct_o_ in
uno; and this persuader was seldom idle. He attempted to be very
polite, even when addressing the common seamen, and, certainly, he
always commenced his observations to them in a very gracious manner,
but, as he continued, he became less choice in his phraseology. As a
specimen of them, he would say to the man on the forecastle, "Allow me
to observe, my dear man, in the most delicate way in the world, that you
are spilling that tar upon the deck--a deck, sir, if I may venture to
make the observation, I had the duty of seeing holystoned this morning.
You understand me, sir, you have defiled His Majesty's forecastle. I
must do my duty, sir, if you neglect yours; so take that--and that--and
that,"--(thrashing the man with his rattan)--"you damned haymaking son
of a seacook. Do it again, damn your eyes, and I'll cut your liver
out."
The master was the officer who had charge of the watch to which I was
stationed; he was a very rough sailor, who had been brought up in the
merchant service, not much of a gentleman in his appearance, very
good-tempered, and very fond of grog. He always quarrelled with the
boatswain, and declared that the service was going to the devil, now
that warrant officers put on white shirts, and wore frills to them. But
the boatswain did not care for him; he knew his duty, he did his duty,
and if the captain was satisfied, he said that the whole ship's company
might grumble. The master was very kind to me, and used to send me down
to my hammock before my watch was half over. Until that time, I walked
the deck with O'Brien, who was a very pleasant companion, and taught me
everything that he could, connected with my profession. One night, when
he had the middle watch, I told him I should like very much if he would
give me the history of his life. "That I will, my honey," replied he,
"all that I can remember of it, though I have no doubt but that I've
forgotten the best part of it. It's now within five minutes of two
bells, so we'll heave the log and mark the board, and then I'll spin you
a yarn, which will keep us both from going to sleep." O'Brien reported
the rate of sailing to the master, marked it down on the log-board, and
then returned.
"So now, my boy, I'll come to an anchor on the top-sail halyard rack,
and you may squeeze your thread-paper little carcass under my lee, and
then I'll tell you all about it. First and foremost, you must know that
I am descended from the great O'Brien Borru, who was a king in his time,
but that time's past. I suppose, as the world turns round, my
children's children's posterity may be kings again, although there seems
but little chance of it just now; but there's ups and downs on a grand
scale, as well as in a man's own history, and the wheel of fortune keeps
turning for the comfort of those who are at the lowest spoke, as I may
be just now. To cut the story a little shorter, I skip down to my
great-grandfather, who lived like a real gentleman, as he was, upon his
ten thousand a year. At last he died, and eight thousand of the ten was
buried with him. My grandfather followed his father all in good course
of time, and only left my father about one hundred acres of bog to keep
up the dignity of the family. I am the youngest of ten, and devil a
copper have I but my pay, or am I likely to have. You may talk about
_descent_, but a more _descending_ family than mine was never in
existence, for here am I with twenty-five pounds a-year, and a half-pay
of `nothing a-day, and find myself,' when my great ancestor did just
what he pleased with all Ireland, and everybody in it. Father McGrath,
the priest, who lived with my father, taught me the elements, as they
call them. I thought I had enough of the elements then, but I've seen a
deal more of them since. `Terence,' says my father to me one day, `what
do you mane to do?' `To get my dinner, sure,' replied I, for I was not
a little hungry. `And so you shall to-day, my vourneen,' replied my
father, `but in future you must do something to get your own dinner;
there's not praties enow for the whole of ye. Will you go to the
_say_?' `I'll just step down and look at it,' says I, for we lived but
sixteen Irish miles from the coast; so when I had finished my meal,
which did not take long, for want of ammunition, I trotted down to the
Cove to see what a ship might be like, and I happened upon a large one
sure enough, for there lay a three-decker with an admiral's flag at the
fore. `Maybe you'll be so civil as to tell me what ship that is,' said
I to a sailor on the pier. `It's the _Queen Charlotte_,' replied he,
`of one hundred and twenty guns.' Now when I looked at her size, and
compared her with all the little smacks and hoys lying about her, I very
naturally asked how old she was; he replied, that she was no more than
three years old. `But three years old,' thought I to myself; `it's a
fine vessel you'll be when you'll come of age, if you grow at that rate:
you'll be as tall as the top of Bencrow,' (that's a mountain we have in
our parts). I went back to my father, and told him all I had seen, and
he replied, that if I liked it, I might be a midshipman on board of her,
with nine hundred men under my command. He forgot to say how many I
should have over me, but I found that out afterwards. I agreed, and my
father ordered his pony and went to the lord lieutenant, for he had
interest enough for that. The lord lieutenant spoke to the admiral, who
was staying at the palace, and I was ordered on board as midshipman. My
father fitted me out pretty handsomely, telling all the tradesmen that
their bills should be paid with my first prize-money, and thus, by
promises and blarney, he got credit for all I wanted. At last all was
ready: Father McGrath gave me his blessing, and told me that if I died
like an O'Brien, he would say a power of masses for the good of my soul.
So, after a deal of bother, I was fairly on board, and I parted company
with my chest, for I stayed on deck, and that went down below. I stared
about with all my eyes for some time, when who should be coming off but
the captain, and the officers were ordered on deck to receive him. I
wanted to have a quiet survey of him, so I took up my station on one of
the guns, that I might examine him at my leisure. The boatswain
whistled, the marines presented arms, and the officers all took off
their hats as the captain came on the deck, and then the guard was
dismissed, and they all walked about the deck as before; but I found it
very pleasant to be astride on the gun, so I remained where I was.
`What do you mane by that, you big young scoundrel?' says he, when he
saw me. `It's nothing at all I mane,' replied I; `but what do you mane
by calling an O'Brien a scoundrel?' `Who is he?' said the captain to
the first lieutenant. `Mr O'Brien, who joined the ship about an hour
since.' `Don't you know better than to sit upon a gun?' said the
captain. `To be sure I do,' replied I, `when there's anything better to
sit upon.' `He knows no better, sir,' observed the first lieutenant.
`Then he must be taught,' replied the captain. `Mr O'Brien, since you
have perched yourself on that gun to please yourself, you will now
continue there for two hours to please me. Do you understand, sir?
you'll ride on that gun for two hours.' `I understand, sir,' replied I;
`but I am afraid that he won't move without spurs, although there's
plenty of _metal_ in him.' The captain turned away and laughed as he
went into his cabin, and all the officers laughed, and I laughed too,
for I perceived no great hardship in sitting down an hour or two, any
more than I do now. Well, I soon found that, like a young bear, all my
troubles were to come.
"I got into a scrape just before we left harbour. It was my watch when
they piped to dinner, and I took the liberty to run below, as my
messmates had a knack of forgetting absent friends. Well, the captain
came on board, and there were no side boys, no side ropes, and no
officers to receive him, he came on deck foaming with rage, for his
dignity was hurt, and he inquired who was the midshipman of the watch.
`Mr O'Brien,' said they all. `Devil a bit,' replied I, `it was my
forenoon watch.' `Who relieved you, sir?' said the first lieutenant.
`Devil a soul, sir,' replied I; `for they were all too busy with their
pork and beef.' `Then why did you leave the deck without relief?'
`Because, sir, my stomach would have had but little relief if I had
remained.' The captain, who stood by, said, `Do you see those
cross-trees, sir?' `Is it those little bits of wood that you mane, on
the top there, captain?' `Yes, sir; now just go up there and stay until
I call you down: You must be brought up to your senses, young man, or
you'll have but little prospect in the service.' `I've an idea that
I'll have plenty of prospect when I get up there,' replied I, `but it's
all to please you.' So up I went, as I have many a time since, and as
you often will, Peter, just to enjoy the fresh air and your own pleasant
thoughts, all at one and the same time.
"The first time that I put my foot on shore was at Minorca. Several of
us went on shore, and having dined upon a roast turkey, stuffed with
plum-pudding, and having drunk as much wine as would float a jolly-boat,
we ordered donkeys, to take a little equestrian exercise. Some went off
tail on end, some with their hind-quarters uppermost, and then the
riders went off instead of the donkeys; some wouldn't go off at all; as
for mine he would go--and where the devil do you think he went? Why,
into the church, where all the people were at mass; the poor brute was
dying with thirst, and smelt water. As soon as he was in,
notwithstanding all my tugging and hauling, he ran his nose into the
holy-water font, and drank it all up. They rose up from their knees and
seized me, calling upon all the saints in the calendar. Although I knew
what they meant, not a word of their lingo could I speak, to plead for
my life, and I was almost torn to pieces before the priest came up.
Perceiving the danger I was in, I wiped my finger across the wet nose of
the donkey, crossed myself, and then went down on my knees to the
priests, crying out _Culpa mea_, as all good Catholics do--though 'twas
no fault of mine, as I said before, for I tried all I could, and tugged
at the brute till my strength was gone. The priests perceived by the
manner in which I crossed myself that I was a good Catholic, and guessed
that it was all a mistake of the donkey's. They ordered the crowd to be
quiet, and sent for an interpreter, when I explained the whole story.
They gave me absolution for what the donkey had done, and after that, as
it was very rare to meet an English officer who was a good Christian, I
was in great favour during my stay at Minorca, and was living in plenty,
paying for nothing, and as happy as a cricket. So the jackass proved a
very good friend, and, to reward him, I hired him every day, and
galloped him all over the island. But, at last, it occurred to me that
I had broken my leave, for I was so happy on shore that I quite forgot
that I had only permission for twenty-four hours, and I should not have
remembered it so soon, had it not been for a party of marines, headed by
a sergeant, who took me by the collar, and dragged me off my donkey. I
was taken on board, and put under an arrest for my misconduct."
"Sail on the starboard-bow!" cried the look-out man.
"Very well," replied the master; "Mr O'Brien,--where's Mr O'Brien?"
"Is it me you mane, sir?" said O'Brien, walking up to the master, for he
had sat down so long in the topsail-halyard rack, that he was wedged in,
and could not get out immediately.
"Yes, sir; go forward, and see what that vessel is."
"Ay, ay, sir," said O'Brien. "And, Mr Simple," continued the master,
"go down and bring me up my night-glass."
"Yes, sir," replied I. I had no idea of a night-glass; and as I
observed that about this time his servant brought him up a glass of
grog, I thought it very lucky that I knew what he meant.
"Take care that you don't break it, Mr Simple."
"O then, I'm all right," thought I; "he means the tumbler:" so down I
went, called up the gunroom steward, and desired him to give me a glass
of grog for Mr Doball. The steward tumbled out in his shirt, mixed the
grog, and gave it to me, and I carried it up very carefully to the
quarter-deck.
During my absence, the master had called the captain, and in pursuance
of his orders, O'Brien had called the first lieutenant, and when I came
up the ladder, they were both on deck. As I was ascending I heard the
master say, "I have sent young Simple down for my night-glass, but he is
so long, that I suppose he has made some mistake. He's but half a
fool."
"That I deny," replied Mr Falcon, the first lieutenant, just as I put
my foot on the quarter-deck; "he's no fool."
"Perhaps not," replied the master. "O, here he is. What made you so
long, Mr Simple--where is my night-glass?"
"Here it is, sir," replied I, handing him the tumbler of grog; "I told
the steward to make it stiff." The captain and the first lieutenant
burst out into a laugh--for Mr Doball was known to be very fond of
grog; the former walked aft to conceal his mirth; but the latter
remained. Mr Doball was in a great rage. "Did I not say that the boy
was half a fool?" cried he to the first lieutenant. "At all events,
I'll not allow that he has proved himself so in this instance," replied
Mr Falcon, "for he has hit the right nail on the head." Then the first
lieutenant joined the captain, and they both went off laughing. "Put it
on the capstan, sir," said Mr Doball to me, in an angry voice. "I'll
punish you by-and-by." I was very much astonished; I hardly knew
whether I had done right or wrong; at all events, thought I to myself, I
did for the best; so I put it on the capstan, and walked to my own side
of the deck. The captain and first lieutenant then went below, and
O'Brien came aft.
I told him what had occurred, and how the master was angry with me.
O'Brien laughed very heartily, and told me never to mind, but to keep in
the lee-scuppers and watch him. "A glass of grog is a bait that he'll
play round till he gorges. When you see it to his lips, go up to him
boldly, and ask his pardon, if you have offended him, and then, if he's
a good Christian, as I believe him to be, he'll not refuse it."
I thought this was very good advice, and I waited under the bulwark on
the lee-side. I observed that the master made shorter and shorter turns
every time, till at last he stopped at the capstan and looked at the
grog. He waited about half a minute, and then he took up the tumbler,
and drank about half of it. It was very strong, and he stopped to take
breath. I thought that this was the right time, and I went up to him.
The tumbler was again to his lips, and before he saw me, I said, "I hope
sir, you'll forgive me; I never heard of a night telescope, and knowing
that you had walked so long, I thought you were tired, and wanted
something to drink to refresh you."
"Well, Mr Simple," said he, after he had finished the glass, with a
deep sigh of pleasure, "as you meant kindly, I shall let you off this
time; but recollect, that whenever you bring me a glass of grog again,
it must not be in the presence of the captain or first lieutenant."
At last our watch was over, and about two bells I was relieved by the
midshipman of the next watch. It is very unfair not to relieve in time,
but if I said a word, I was certain to be thrashed the next day upon
some pretence or another. On the other hand, the midshipman whom I
relieved was also much bigger than I was, and if I was not up before one
bell, I was cut down and thrashed by him: so that between the two I kept
much more than my share of the watch, except when the master sent me to
bed before it was over.