WE POST UP TO PORTSDOWN FAIR--CONSEQUENCE OF DISTURBING A LADY AT
SUPPER--SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION AT RANELAGH GARDENS--PASTRY versus
PIETY--MANY ARE BID TO THE FEAST; BUT NOT THE HALT, THE LAME, OR THE
BLIND.
A few days after McFoy quitted the ship, we all had leave from the first
lieutenant to go to Portsdown fair, but he would only allow the oldsters
to sleep on shore. We anticipated so much pleasure from our excursion
that some of us were up early enough to go away in the boat sent for
fresh beef. We had our breakfast, and went up George Street, where we
found all sorts of vehicles ready to take us to the fair. We got into
one which they called a dilly. I asked the man who drove it why it was
so called, and he replied, because he only charged a shilling.
O'Brien, who had joined us after breakfasting on board, said, that this
answer reminded him of one given to him by a man who attended the
hackney-coach stands in London.
"Pray," said he, "why are you called Waterman?"
"Waterman," replied the man, "vy, sir, 'cause we opens the hackney-coach
doors."
At last, with plenty of whipping, and plenty of swearing, and a great
deal of laughing, the old horse, whose back curved upwards like a bow,
from the difficulty of dragging so many, arrived at the bottom of
Portsdown Hill, where we got out, and walked up to the fair. There was
Richardson, with a clown and harlequin, and such beautiful women,
dressed in clothes all over gold spangles, dancing reels and waltzes,
and looking so happy! There was Flint and Gyngell, with fellows
tumbling over head and heels, playing such tricks--eating fire, and
drawing yards of tape out of their mouths. Then there was the Royal
Circus, all the horses standing in a line, with men and women standing
on their backs, waving flags, while the trumpeters blew their trumpets.
We walked about for an hour or two seeing the outside of everything: we
determined to go and see the inside. First we went into Richardson's,
where we saw a bloody tragedy, with a ghost and thunder, and afterwards
a pantomime, full of tricks, and tumbling over one another. Then we saw
one or two other things, I forget what, but this I know, that, generally
speaking, the outside was better than the inside. After this, feeling
very hungry, we agreed to go into a booth and have something to eat.
The tables were ranged all round, and in the centre there was a boarded
platform for dancing. The ladies were there all ready dressed for
partners: and the music was so lively, that I felt very much inclined to
dance, but we had agreed to go and see the wild beasts fed at Mr
Polito's menagerie, and as it was now almost eight o'clock, we paid our
bill and set off. It was a very curious sight, and better worth seeing
than anything in the fair; I never had an idea that there were so many
strange animals in existence. There was the tapir, a great pig with a
long nose, a variety of the hippopotamus, which the keeper said was an
amphibilious animal, as couldn't live on land, and _dies_ in the water--
however, it seemed to live very well in a cage. Then there was the
kangaroo with its young ones peeping out of it--a most astonishing
animal. The keeper said that it brought forth two young ones at a
birth, and then took them into its stomach again, until they arrived at
years of discretion. Then there was the pelican of the wilderness, with
a large bag under his throat, which the man put on his head as a
night-cap, this bird feeds its young with its own blood--when fish are
scarce. There were a young elephant and three lions, and several other
animals which I forget now, so I shall go on to describe the tragical
scene which occurred. The keeper had poked up all the animals, and had
commenced feeding them. The great lion was growling and snarling over
the shin-bone of an ox, cracking it like a nut, when, by some
mismanagement, one end of the pole upon which the chandelier was
suspended fell down, striking the door of the cage in which the lioness
was at supper, and bursting it open. It was all done in a second; the
chandelier fell, the cage opened, and the lioness sprang out. I
remember to this moment seeing the body of the lioness in the air, and
then all was dark as pitch. What a change! not a moment before all of
us staring with delight and curiosity, and then to be left in darkness,
horror, and dismay! There was such screaming and shrieking, such crying
and fighting, and pushing, and fainting--nobody knew where to go, or how
to find their way out. The people crowded first on one side, and then
on the other, as their fears instigated them. I was very soon jammed up
with my back against the bars of one of the cages, and feeling some
beast lay hold of me behind, made a desperate effort, and succeeded in
climbing up to the cage above, not, however, without losing the seat of
my trowsers, which the laughing hyaena would not let go. I hardly knew
where I was when I climbed up. I was surmising what danger I should
next encounter, when to my joy I discovered that I had gained the open
door from which the lioness had escaped. I crawled in, and pulled the
door to after me, thinking myself very fortunate: and there I sat very
quietly in a corner during the remainder of the noise and confusion. I
had been there but a few minutes, when the beef-eaters, as they were
called, who played the music outside, came in with torches and loaded
muskets. No one was seriously hurt. As for the lioness, she was not to
be found and as soon as it was ascertained that she had escaped, there
was as much terror and scampering away outside, as there had been in the
menagerie. It appeared afterwards, that the animal had been as much
frightened as we had been, and had secreted herself under one of the
waggons. It was some time before she could be found. At last O'Brien,
who was a very brave fellow, went a-head of the beef-eaters, and saw her
eyes glaring. They borrowed a net or two from the carts which had
brought calves to the fair, and threw them over her. When she was
fairly entangled, they dragged her by the tail into the menagerie. All
this while I had remained very quietly in the den, but when I perceived
that its lawful owner had come back to retake possession, I thought it
was time to come out; so I called to my messmates, who, with O'Brien,
were assisting the beef-eaters. They had not discovered me, and laughed
very much when they saw where I was. One of the midshipmen shot the
bolt of the door, so that I could not jump out, and then stirred me up
with a long pole. At last I contrived to unbolt it again, and got out,
when they laughed still more, at the seat of my trowsers being torn off.
It was not exactly a laughing matter to me, although I had to
congratulate myself upon a very lucky escape; and so did my messmates
think, when I narrated my adventures. O'Brien lent me a dark silk
handkerchief, which I tied round my waist, and let drop behind, so that
my misfortunes might not attract any notice.
We then went to what they called the Ranelagh Gardens to see the
fireworks, which were to be let off at ten o'clock. It was exactly ten
when we paid for our admission, and we waited very patiently for a
quarter of an hour, but there were no signs of the fireworks being
displayed. The fact was, that the man to whom the gardens belonged
waited until more company should arrive, although the place was already
very full of people. Now the first lieutenant had ordered the boat to
wait for us until twelve o'clock, and then return on board; and as we
were seven miles from Portsmouth, we had not much time to spare. We
waited another quarter of an hour, and then it was agreed that as the
fireworks were stated in the handbill to commence precisely at ten
o'clock, we were fully justified in letting them off ourselves. O'Brien
went out, and returned with a dozen penny rattans, which he notched in
the end. The fireworks were on the posts and stages, all ready, and it
was agreed that we should light them all at once, and then mix with the
crowd. The oldsters lighted cigars, and fixing them in the notched end
of the canes, continued to puff them until they were all well lighted.
They handed one to each of us, and at a signal we all applied them to
the match papers, and as soon as the fire communicated, we threw down
our canes and ran in among the crowd. In about half a minute, off they
all went in the most beautiful confusion; there were silver stars and
golden stars, blue lights and Catherine-wheels, mines and bombs,
Grecian-fires and Roman-candles, Chinese trees, rockets, and illuminated
mottoes, all firing away, cracking, popping, and fizzing, at the same
time. We all escaped very cleverly, and taking another dilly, arrived
at Portsmouth, and were down to the boat in good time.
Sunday being a fine day, we all went on shore to church with Mr Falcon,
the first lieutenant. We liked going to church very much; not, I am
sorry to say, from religious feelings, but for the following reason:--
the first lieutenant sat in a pew below, and we were placed in the
gallery above, where he could not see us, nor indeed could we see him.
We all remained very quiet, and I may say very devout, during the time
of the service; but the clergyman who delivered the sermon was so
tedious, and had such a bad voice, that we generally slipped out as soon
as he went up into the pulpit, and adjourned to a pastrycook's opposite,
to eat cakes and tarts and drink cherry-brandy, which we infinitely
preferred to hearing a sermon. Somehow or other, the first lieutenant
had scented our proceedings: we believed that the marine officer
informed against us, and this Sunday he served us a pretty trick. We
had been at the pastry-cook's as usual, and as soon as we perceived the
people coming out of church, we put all our tarts and sweetmeats into
our hats, which we then slipped on our heads, and took our station at
the church door, as if we had just come down from the gallery, and had
been waiting for him. Instead, however, of appearing at the church
door, he walked up the street, and desired us to follow him to the boat.
The fact was, he had been in the back room at the pastry-cook's
watching our motions through the green blinds. We had no suspicion, but
thought that he had come out of church a little sooner than usual. When
we arrived on board and followed him up the side, he said to us as we
came on deck,--"Walk aft, young gentlemen." We did; and he desired us
to "toe a line," which means to stand in a row. "Now, Mr Dixon," said
he, "what was the text today?" As he very often asked us that question,
we always left one in the church until the text was given out, who
brought it to us in the pastrycook's shop, when we all marked it in our
Bibles to be ready if he asked us. Dixon immediately pulled out his
Bible where he had marked down the leaf and read it. "O! that was it,"
said Mr Falcon; "you must have remarkably good ears, Mr Dixon, to have
heard the clergyman from the pastry-cook's shop. Now, gentlemen, hats
off, if you please." We all slided off our hats, which, as he expected,
were full of pastry. "Really, gentlemen," said he, feeling the
different papers of pastry and sweetmeats, "I am quite delighted to
perceive that you have not been to church for nothing. Few come away
with so many good things pressed upon their seat of memory.
Master-at-arms, send all the ship's boys aft."
The boys all came tumbling up the ladders, and the first lieutenant
desired each of them to take a seat upon the carronade slides. When
they were all stationed, he ordered us to go round with our hats and
request of each his acceptance of a tart, which we were obliged to do,
handing first to one and then to another, until the hats were all empty.
What annoyed me more than all, was the grinning of the boys at their
being served by us like footmen, as well as the ridicule and laughter of
the whole ship's company, who had assembled at the gangways.
When all the pastry was devoured, the first lieutenant said, "There,
gentlemen, now that you have had your lesson for the day, you may go
below." We could not help laughing ourselves when we went down into the
berth.