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PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 146.
FEBRUARY 25, 1914.
CHARIVARIA.
THE GERMAN CROWN PRINCE has the mumps. It seems that his Imperial Father
was not consulted in the matter beforehand, and further domestic
differences are anticipated.
* * *
KING SISOVATH of Cambodia, we learn from _Le Petit Journal_, was so pleased
with a white elephant sent him by the Governor-General of French Indo-China
that he has raised the animal--a fine female--to the dignity of a Princess.
The news soon got about, and considerable jealousy is felt at our Zoo,
where there is not so much as even a baronet among the inmates.
* * *
General VON PLETTENBURGH, commanding the Prussian Guards Corps, has issued
a decree against the wearing of the so-called "tooth-brush" moustache,
pointing out that such an appendage is unsuitable for a Prussian soldier
and "not consonant with the German national character." The implication is
very unpleasant.
* * *
"It is generally reported," says a contemporary, "that Sir EDWARD GREY
speaks no German, and French very badly. M. VENIZELOS, the Greek Prime
Minister, declared that he had the greatest difficulty in understanding Sir
EDWARD'S French." As a matter of fact a little bird tells us that on this
occasion our Foreign Secretary was speaking Greek.
* * *
"Mr. Asquith," said _The Times_, "in a massage to the Liberal candidate for
South Bucks, emphasizes the prime importance of the Irish issue." There is,
of course, nothing like massage for rubbing things in.
* * *
Herr BALLIN, head of the Hamburg-American Line, and Herr HEINEKEN, head of
the rival North-German Lloyd Company, came to London last week, and are
said to have concluded peace in the Atlantic rate war. We understand that
the arrangement is to be known as the Pool of London.
* * *
The authorities at Barotse, _The Globe_ tells us, have put a price on the
heads of all lions there. One can picture the mean sportsman, with a pair
of field-glasses, picking out the cheapest before firing.
* * *
"61,000 TERRITORIALS SHORT."
_Daily Mail._
Still, it is pretty generally recognised now that a small man may make
every bit as good a soldier as a big one, and, besides, there is always
less of him to hit.
* * *
Among the temporary teachers appointed to carry on schools in Herefordshire
during the teachers' strike was an asylum attendant. This confirms the
report that many of the children were mad at finding that the schools did
not close in consequence of the strike.
* * *
It is denied that the name of the Philharmonic Hall, where Mr. PONTING'S
moving pictures of the Antarctic Expedition are being shown, is to be
changed to the Philmharmonic Hall.
* * *
RICHARD STRAUSS'S new work, dealing with the story, of JOSEPH and
POTIPHAR'S wife, is to be produced shortly in Paris. A musical play version
of it, entitled "After the Man," may be looked for here.
* * *
From Rome comes the news that a young man who was being examined in a
hospital there has been found to have two separate stomachs. This
announcement that the ideal man has at last been evolved has caused the
greatest excitement here in Corporation circles.
* * *
"LYCEUM CLUB.
100 YEARS OF PEACE."
_Daily Telegraph._
Surely a record for a lady's club?
* * * * *
[Illustration: CLOSE OF THE COURSING SEASON.]
* * * * *
"CHANGE OF NAME.
FROM
JACOB GALBA IWUSHUKU-BRIGHT
TO
GALBA IWUCHUKU OLUKOTUN."
_Sierra Leone Weekly News._
We notice no improvement.
* * * * *
Commercial Candour.
Notice in a shop window at Reading:
"TRY ----'S SAUSAGES: NONE LIKE 'EM."
* * * * *
CIVIL WAR ESTIMATES.
(_A Ministerial Apology._)
Your talk is vanity, you who lightly vouch
That we, indifferent to the country's call, shun
A crisis under which the People crouch
Like DAMOCLES beneath the pendent falchion;
That from our minds, incredibly deluded,
Ulster is still excluded.
It is not so. All day (between our meals)
We find this topic really most attractive;
In watches of the night it often steals
Into our waking dreams, and keeps us active,
Like sportsmen whom the rude mosquito chases,
Trying to save our faces.
But we have other tasks, and "Duty First"
Must be our cry before we yield to Pleasure;
Our Annual Estimates must be rehearsed
Ere more alluring themes engage our leisure;
The Budget's claims are urgent; Ulster's fate
Can obviously wait.
Besides, no Government should go to war
Without the wherewithal to pay for forage,
For ammunition and a Flying Corps
And cannéd meats to stimulate the courage;
And this applies, as far as we can tell,
To civil wars as well.
For, though our foes confine us to a sphere
Of relatively narrow operations,
We are advised that they may cost us dear,
And therefore, in our coming calculations,
As Trustees of the Race we dare not miss
To estimate for this.
Hence these delays--all carefully thought out.
But when from hibernation we emerge on
The vernal prime and things begin to sprout,
Our Ulster policy shall also burgeon;
With sap of April coursing through our blood
We too shall burst in bud.
O. S.
* * * * *
THE GREAT RESIGNER.
(_A Forecast._)
_March, 1914._
Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN describes Mr. JOHN REDMOND as "brother to the
middle-aged sea-serpent from the County Clare."
Mr. JOHN REDMOND denies that he is a sea-serpent.
Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, having denounced this denial as "the last effort
of a defeated dastard," resigns his seat for Cork City.
Mr. O'BRIEN is re-elected without a contest.
_April, 1914._
Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN in an impassioned speech advocates conciliation
all round in Ireland, and refers to Mr. JOHN REDMOND as "a moth-eaten,
moss-gathering malingerer of unparalleled ferocity."
Mr. REDMOND is seen to smile.
Mr. O'BRIEN, declaring that he has never been so much insulted in his
life, resigns his seat for Cork City.
Mr. O'BRIEN is re-elected without a contest.
_May, 1914._
An Alderman of Cork fails to take off his hat to Mr. O'BRIEN.
Mr. O'BRIEN summons a meeting of his supporters and, in a five-hours'
speech, states that, in spite of the unexampled infamy of Mr. REDMOND,
he will never abandon his efforts for Irish unity.
Mr. REDMOND says nothing.
Mr. O'BRIEN states that "the truckling truculence of a mock-modest
monster of meretricious mendacity cannot be allowed to prevail against
a policy of sober and sympathetic silence."
Mr. REDMOND having abstained from a reply, Mr. O'BRIEN resigns his
seat for Cork City and is shortly afterwards re-elected without a
contest.
_June, 1914._
Mr. ASQUITH, in moving the Second Reading of the Home Rule Bill, does
not mention Mr. O'BRIEN, who swoons in his place and is carried
speechless from the House of Commons.
On the following day Mr. O'BRIEN issues to the world a manifesto of
60,000 words, in which he describes Mr. REDMOND as "a palsied purveyor
of pledge-breaking platitudes," and announces that the Irish question
can be settled only by the good will of men of all parties.
Mr. REDMOND takes no notice.
Mr. O'BRIEN declares that he can no longer pursue a policy of
conciliation and mildness, and resigns his seat for Cork City as a
protest against the "frenzied flaunting of flattery and folly" in
which, he says, Mr. REDMOND spends his time.
Mr. O'BRIEN, having been re-elected without a contest, immediately
re-resigns twelve times in advance.
* * * * *
CINEMA NEWS.
Final preparations have now been made to film Mr. THORNTON'S first day as
General Manager of the Great Eastern Railway. By kind permission of Lord
CLAUD HAMILTON representatives of all the other railway companies are to be
present to take notes, like the foreign military attachés in a war. A good
"movie" should result.
* * * * *
Another film which should provide entertainment and instruction in the
highest degree is the "Day in the Life of Mr. C. K. SHORTER" which is now
being arranged for. The great critic will be followed hour by hour with
faithful persistence. He will be seen editing _The Sphere_ with one hand
and putting all the writing fellows in their place with the other. He will
be seen in that wonderful library of his which covers two acres in St.
John's Wood, reading, annotating and correcting; he will be seen at lunch
at his club with other intellectual kings, his intimate friends; shaking
hands with Mr. HARDY; entering a taxi; leaving a taxi and paying the fare;
dining with Sir W. ROBERTSON NICOLL; attending a first night and applauding
only when applause is merited; and finally returning home to read more
books. In all, about fourteen miles.
* * * * *
It will be regretfully learned by the great public, always ready for new
thrillers, that all efforts to induce Mr. BALFOUR to part with the cinema
rights of his Gifford lectures have failed.
* * * * *
"In consequence of the farm labourers and carters employed on various
farms in the parish and village of Chitterne having come out on
strike, work of all kinds, with the exception of lambing, is at a
complete standstill."--_Bath and Wilts Chronicle._
These black-leg ewes!
* * * * *
"Mr. Kipling, who met with a warm deception."--_Daily Graphic._
Not a bit of it. Everyone was frankly delighted to see and hear him.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE THRONE PERILOUS.
AUSTRIA AND ITALY (_to the new Ruler of Albania_). "BE SEATED, SIR."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mother_ (_to her boy, who has just struck his little sister
with his Teddy bear_). "WHY DID YOU HIT YOUR SISTER IN THE FACE, JOHN?"
_John._ "'COS IT WAS THE ONLY PART OF HER I COULD SEE."]
* * * * *
MUSICAL DIAGNOSIS.
DR. JAMES CANTLIE has reported that "the placing of a tuning-fork; against
the body of a patient enables him to gauge the limits of the liver with
almost hair-breadth precision." He believes that musical diagnosis will
prove reliable in the case of broken bones, and asserts that already it has
been proved that a fatty liver gives out tones distinct from a cirrhosed
liver.
A superb performance of Herr RICHARD STRAUSS'S "German Measles Concerto"
was given last night by the Queen's Hall orchestra. The tempo was
throughout wonderfully high. The three fine solo passages for the left
kidney were finely rendered; while the exquisite _diminuendo_ to
convalescence with which the work concludes greatly impressed a neurotic
audience.
The tuning-fork test has proved that several of the most popular of recent
rag-time tunes were originally scored by the brain of a patient who had met
with a severe concussion while attempting to escape over the high wall of
an Asylum for Incurable Idiots.
An interesting incident is reported in the Medical press from a well-known
Nursing Home. It appears that one of the female attendants, on applying the
tuning-fork to what was alleged to be the broken heart of a patient, was
astonished to obtain as response the first five bars of "You Made Me Love
You." The case has, we learn, been since discharged cured.
* * * * *
NUPTIAL NOVELTIES.
["Two prominent members of the Herne Bay Angling Association were
married on Saturday afternoon at St. Martin's Church, Herne Bay.
An interesting feature of the wedding was the assembly of members of
the association, who lined the pathway to the church door and formed
an archway of fishing-rods, to which silver horseshoes had been
attached.
The bridegroom's father is not only president of the angling
association, but captain of the Herne Bay Fire Brigade, members of
which formed a guard of honour with crossed hatchets."--_Daily
Chronicle._]
The nuptials of Mr. Desmond Waddilove and Miss Esther Priddie, whose
parents are prominently implicated in the milk trade, were marked by
several interesting and appropriate spectacular incidents. A specially
attractive feature was the progress of the wedding procession between a
double row of milk-cans. Later on the bride and bridegroom left for Cowes
(I.W.) amid a volley of pats of butter deftly hurled by the officials of
the Sursum Corda Dairy Company, Ltd.
Last Saturday the wedding of Mr. Nestor Young and Miss Leonora Dargle was
celebrated with great _éclat_ at St. Mark's, Datchet. Out of respect for
the calling of the bride's father all the wedding party proceeded to the
sacred edifice in bath-chairs, which imparted to the ceremony an air of
solemnity too often neglected at up-to-date weddings. The bridegroom's
father being a leading pork-butcher, imitation sausages formed part of the
trimmings of the bride's going-away dress.
Mr. Donald MacLurkin, the golf professional of the Culbin Sands Golf Club,
was married last Friday at Lossiemouth to Miss Janet Sutor, of Cromarty. A
charming effect was produced by a guard of honour, composed of members of
the golf club, holding aloft crossed brassies, beneath which the happy pair
passed into the church, while the caddies clashed niblicks and other iron
clubs. The bride wore a cream silk bogey skirt, slightly caught up so as to
show the pink dots of the stymied underskirt, and a simple Dunlop V
corsage. A dainty little pot-bunker hat completed a costume as novel as it
was natty.
* * * * *
THE ROYALISTS.
Eight of us travel up to town every morning by the Great Suburban Railway.
I have no politics. Gibbs is a Unionist Free Trader. Three of the others
are Radicals and three Unionists. On one side of the compartment are ranged
_The Daily Mail_, _The Daily Express_ and _The Daily Telegraph_. Boldly
confronting them are two _Daily Chronicles_ and a _Daily News_. Gibbs
contents himself with a _Daily Graphic_, while I choose every day the paper
with the least sensational placard.
You can imagine what the journeys are like. Filmer will put down his _Daily
Express_ and say with feeling, "If I could only get that infernal Welsher
by the throat." Then Rodgers will lay down his _Daily News_ and sneer,
"What has aggravated the toadies of the Dukes to-day?" In a moment the
battle is in full swing. Bennett breaks in with assertions that peace and
unity will never prevail till the Cabinet has been hanged. Chalmers makes a
mild proposal for the imprisonment of the Armament Ring which is gnawing at
the country's vitals. And when there has been a by-election and both sides
claim the moral victory I have no doubt that the men in signal-boxes think
that murder is taking place in our carriage.
However, one day Filmer made a reference to Marconi speculations which
caused Rodgers to shake the dust from his feet (an easy thing on the Great
Suburban line) and leave the compartment at the next station. Then Chalmers
and Simcox bore down on Filmer with statistics about our booming trade.
When we reached the next station, Filmer darted out of the compartment,
declining to travel any longer with a set of miserable Cobdenite Little
Englanders. I was horrified--not at the absence of Rodgers and Filmer,
which could have been endured--but at the idea that the gaps they left in
the carriage might be tilled up by even worse persons than politicians.
Suppose golfers took their places. On one occasion, when Gibbs had
influenza, an intruder had described to us the fixing of a new carburettor
to his car.
Then the great idea came to me--the formation of the Society. The next
morning I went up to Filmer and Rodgers as they stood apart from us and
each other on the platform and said, "Come to the others for a moment. They
want to apologise to you."
They didn't, but sometimes one has to choose between the cause of peace and
that of truth.
"Gentlemen," I said, "I have noticed this. Nearly all our little
controversies begin in one way. Somebody says, 'I call a spade a spade and
BONAR LAW (or LLOYD GEORGE) a lying, treacherous scoundrel.' I propose that
we form ourselves into the Society for Not Calling a Spade a Spade."
"What do you propose to call it? 'A Royal'?" This from Gibbs, who is a
master of auction bridge.
"By all means," I said. "It gives dignity and an enhanced value to a vulgar
agricultural utensil. And the Society can be called 'The Royalists' for
short. Its single rule is to be this, that any member speaking of any
politician of the opposite Party except in terms of eulogy shall be fined
ten shillings and sixpence. The fines to be divided equally between the
Tariff Reform League and the Free Trade Union."
For a moment there was hesitation. Then the Opposition rejoiced at the idea
of hearing the Radicals praise LAW and LONG, and the Radicals thought it
would be ecstasy to hear panegyrics of LLOYD GEORGE and MASTERMAN from the
Unionists.
The Society was formed at once and has proved an enormous success. Peace
and goodwill reign amongst us. It is a perpetual delight to see Filmer put
down his _Daily Express_ and with the veins bulging out from his forehead
say, "That accurate and careful financier who has so immeasurably raised
the status of the Chancellorship of the Exchequer"; or to hear Chalmers
remark, "Sad would it be if that most honey-tongued and softhearted of
politicians, dear F. E. SMITH, should have his life ended by a British
bayonet."
One or two prepare their delicate eulogies beforehand and refer to notes;
but this is thought unfair. The compartment, as a whole, prefers the
impromptu praise that has the air of coming from the heart.
I am thinking of offering to the House of Commons and the House of Lords
free membership in The Royalists. Perhaps Messrs. LLOYD GEORGE and LEO
MAXSE would consent to act as perpetual Joint Presidents, with Lord HUGH
CECIL and the Rev. Dr. CLIFFORD as Chaplains.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _MacBull._ "I SHALL BE A GAY GRASS WIDOWER FOR THE NEXT TWO
MONTHS--WIFE'S GONE FOR A HOLIDAY TO THE WEST INDIES."
_O'Bear._ "JAMAICA?"
_MacBull._ "NO, IT WAS HER OWN IDEA."]
* * * * *
"He is only a tame duck who with sheepish timidity attempts to
controvert the determination of a body of frontiersmen from their
purpose by firing at them with a water squirt."
_Bulawayo Chronicle._
It sounds more like a wild duck.
* * * * *
From Publishers' Announcements:--
"'BORROWED THOUGHTS.'
(A Handbook for Lent, with an Introduction by a popular Bishop.) Limp,
9d."
* * * * *
"Lot 3. Extra Dry, Cuvée Beservée, 60/-. A really excellent pure Wine,
which we bought lying abroad."
We trust they won't sell it lying at home.
* * * * *
"Generally crime is normal and no increase in mortality is reported.
Little wandering, emigration, or emaciation is noticed. Cattle are
being sold in large numbers in Hamirpur. Blankets are being
distributed to the poor.
(_For other Sporting News see page 8_)."
_Advocate of India._
There is nothing narrow about the sporting tastes of our Oriental
contemporary.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Larry._ "TRESHPASSING, IS UT? JUST WAIT TILL WE GIT HOME
RULE. IVERY MAN'LL DO AS HE LIKES THIN--AND THIM'S THAT WON'T'LL BE MADE
TO!"]
* * * * *
THE INVADERS.
From all sides news pours in concerning the rush for American managers of
English concerns. At last the excellence of the American businessman's
habits are being recognised, probably not a little owing to the vogue of
such plays as _Get-rich-quick Wallingford_, _Broadway Jones_ and _The
Fortune Hunters_, wherein we see hustling methods justifying by their
success all the odd measures which led to dollars. That the dominating
business man who thus rises to greatness has to marry a clerk or typist is
perhaps only a detail, but if the plays are to be taken as a guide it is
expected of him.
The great tailoring house of Tarn, which has just appointed a manager from
Cleveland, Ohio, on the advice of Lord CLAUD HAMILTON, has completely
transformed its cutting department. All jackets are now made to reach to
the knees, with shoulders that project beyond the wearer's body one foot on
each side. The trousers are wide at the knees and tight at the ankles, and
are very effective. Walking-sticks must not be worn with these suits.
Messrs. Tarn hope to bring back the frock coat very shortly, especially for
politicians.
The American scholar who has just been appointed to the Chair of English
Composition at Oxford has already made some drastic reforms. No longer may
the student write that he has a book "at home"; he must say "to home." The
participle "got" has gone in favour of "gotten"; while the only text-books
in use are of Trans-Atlantic origin. The University has adopted the college
cry of "No, No, No Eng Lish Need, Need, Need Apply!"
This yell will be used by Oxford partisans at the Inter-University Sports
during the performances of American RHODES Scholars.
The latest news to reach us as we go to press is that the directors of
various London music halls are thinking seriously whether or not they will
call in American assistance for their revues, either producers, actors or
musicians. But this is an innovating step which will require the deepest
thought.
* * * * *
SINGING WATER.
I heard--'twas on a morning, but when it was and where,
Except that well I heard it, I neither know nor care--
I heard, and, oh, the sunlight was shining in the blue,
A little water singing as little waters do.
At Lechlade and at Buscot, where Summer days are long,
The tiny rills and ripples they tremble into song;
And where the silver Windrush brings down her liquid gems,
There's music in the wavelets she tosses to the Thames.
The eddies have an air too, and brave it is and blithe;
I think I may have heard it that day at Bablockhythe;
And where the Eynsham weir-fall breaks out in rainbow spray
The Evenlode comes singing to join the pretty play.
But where I heard that music I cannot rightly tell;
I only know I heard it, and that I know full well:
I heard a little water, and, oh, the sky was blue,
A little water singing as little waters do.
R. C. L.
* * * * *
AN APOLOGY THAT MADE THINGS WORSE.
We had a fancy-dress ball on December 30th. They have these things in
nearly all Swiss Hotels and you have to put up with them. As a matter of
fact Matilda and I enjoyed ourselves. We supped well and danced quite
often. At 3.30 A.M. we set out for our rooms. We took a lighted candle with
us to keep us warm as we went. The way to get the most warmth from a candle
is to sit round it. As the corridor was cold, we sat round the candle
outside Miss Wortley's room, but this was quite accidental.
We didn't know that she had gone to bed at 10.30 P.M. with the primary
object of sleeping and the ulterior motive of getting up the next morning
in time to catch an early train. We weren't to know that she had wasted her
time from 11 P.M. to 3.25 A.M. listening to a procession of revellers
retiring to their rooms. We had no suspicion that she was just dozing off
for the first time when we stopped to warm ourselves. We really made very
little noise, though we may have laughed just a little. The report which
has got about, that I tried to climb up the wall to see the time, is
inaccurate. The clock is not nearly high enough up the wall to render this
necessary, and I didn't care a button what the time was.
If we had known that the Germans who ought to have been asleep in the room
opposite to Miss Wortley would come out into the corridor and shout in
their nasty guttural language, we should probably not have tried to find
out whether anything was attached to the other end of a piece of tape that
protruded from under their door. It was quite a long piece of tape, and
there was something attached to the end of it, though we never found out
what that something was. Anyway, it was too large to pass under the door,
though we pulled the tape quite hard. We had just given up our
investigation and reached our respective rooms when the German family
arrived in the corridor and commented on the matter.
I can't see that we were really to blame because Miss Wortley suffered from
insomnia, missed her early train next morning and had to pay an extra half
franc for having breakfast in her bedroom. She was very unpleasant about it
and went round telling everybody that we had kept her awake all night. She
was one of those women who----But there, I don't want to be nasty, and
anyone who reads this will guess the kind of woman she was.
The next day was New Year's Eve. After dinner we took part in an Ice
Carnival, then we saw the New Year in, and then we drank practically
everybody's health. At 2 A.M. I was sitting in the lounge talking to
Matilda when a kind of peaceful sensation came over me, and I began to be
sorry that there was any bad feeling between Miss Wortley and us; so I said
to Matilda, It's New Year's Day and I should like to start it on friendly
terms with everyone, including Miss Wortley. I think I shall apologise to
her about last night; we may have been a little thoughtless."
"I don't see what there is to apologise for," said Matilda, "but I suppose
it can't do any harm and it may help to make things pleasant all round. If
you're going to apologise I suppose I ought to do the same."
"Come on then," I said.
"Where to?"
"To apologise."
"Don't be absurd; we can't apologise now. We'll apologise to-morrow."
"We might miss her to-morrow, and we ought to do a thing like this without
delay and as early in the New Year as possible. If I don't do it now, I may
not feel apologetic later on, and I don't want to go through the year with
even a tittle of Miss Wortley's insomnia on my conscience."
Matilda seemed rather uncertain about it, but after a time recognised that
I was right, and we went up to Miss Wortley's room. I had to knock loudly
on her door before I got any answer, but eventually a sleepy voice said,
"Come in."
I didn't think that we had better do that, so I knocked again.
"All right, you can bring in the water."
"It isn't exactly your shaving water--in fact it's hardly time to get up
yet," I shouted.
"What's the matter? Is the place on fire?" I heard sounds as of a person
getting out of bed, so I said, "You needn't get up, it's only us. We wanted
to apologise about last night. We're sorry you didn't sleep very well. Of
course it wasn't altogether our fault, but still we thought that we should
like to apologise; in fact we didn't feel that we could go to sleep until
we had apologised; and--and we wanted to wish you a Happy New Year."
I am not sure that I did the thing very well, but I am sure that it would
have sounded better and that I shouldn't have ended so lamely if Matilda
hadn't been so tactless as to laugh in the middle. Somehow I got the idea
that the apology hadn't been accepted in the spirit in which it had been
tendered. Suspicious sounds came from within, including the click of a
water jug; also the German family opposite seemed to be under the
impression that it was time to get up--so we didn't wait to say Good-night,
but slipped quietly out of the way. Miss Wortley's door and the door
opposite opened simultaneously. There were two splashes like water thrown
from jugs, and I fancy that more than one person got wet. It isn't easy to
discover exactly what is happening when two people are shouting at the tops
of their voices in different languages, but I didn't gather that they quite
cleared the matter up to their mutual satisfaction.
* * * * *
EVERY AUTHOR'S WIFE.
["What is the first step towards literary production? It is
imperative, if you wish to write with any freshness at all, that you
should utterly ruin your digestion."--_H. G. WELLS_.]
"What have you dined on, husband mine?"
"Chocolate creams and ginger wine."
"What did you take as an appetiser?"
"Haggis and Sauerkraut à la Kaiser."
"Didn't they give you any sweet?"
"Hard-boiled eggs and whisky neat."
"And your fruit, I trust, was over-ripe?"
"Doughnuts five with a pound of tripe."
"Have you had nothing at all since then?"
"Lobster and stout." "Then here's your pen,
"You must do a chapter or two to-night;
Have a banana and start to write."
* * * * *
New Anglo-German Entente.
"Young gentlemen wish young English lady to learn know for the common
joint exchange for the language sunday by flying outs Pleasing
writing at the office chiffre J. 810."--_Leipziger Neuste
Nachrichten._
* * * * *
"NOTICE.
In order to popularise the Corporation Crematorium, at Crematorium
Road, the Corporation have decided as an experimental measure to
abolish the fees now charged for the use of the Crematorium for one
year."
_Capital_ (_Calcutta_).
The inducement leaves us cold.
* * * * *
The Infant Samson.
"2s. 6d. REWARD will be paid for name of Small Boy who pushed a Cab
Horse down in the Station Yard, Teigumouth."
_Express and Echo_ (_Exeter_).
* * * * *
More Commercial Candour.
From a Leeds grocer's circular:--
"A perfection of blending is obtained in ---- Tea, which, upon
analysis, is pronounced to be absolutely injurious to health."
* * * * *
[Illustration: "HAVE YOU ANY GOLF BALLS GUARANTEED TO GO STRAIGHT?"
"NOT HERE, MADAM. YOU MIGHT TRY THE CONJURING DEPARTMENT--FIRST FLOOR."]
* * * * *
THE IDEAL FILM PLOT.
[The brisk demand by Cinema companies for new picture-play stories has
led many writers of talent to turn their attention to this fascinating
branch of literature. Unfortunately they often fail not only to
acquire a proper knowledge of the technique of the art, but to take
steps to ascertain what the public really wants. With the object of
helping authors in both directions we publish below a scenario which
has been described by an authority as "the ideal film plot."]
THE FIREBRAND'S REDEMPTION.
_Persons_:
_Ferdinand_, a Cowboy.
_General Devereux._
_Phyllis Devereux_, his daughter.
_Joe_, a soldier.
_Cowboys_, _miners_, _soldiers_, _Indians_,
_etc._
PART I.
Ferdinand's _headlong career to the Devil is arrested by the beautiful_
Phyllis Devereux.
FIRST SCENE.--A drinking saloon in the Wild West. Cowboys, miners and
Western demi-mondaines playing cards at top speed and drinking heavily.
Enter _Ferdinand_, drunk and carrying a huge revolver in each hand and a
tomahawk between his teeth. He forces the bar-tender to "hands up" and
begins shooting down the bottles ranged along the counter. Enter _Phyllis_.
As soon as _Ferdinand_ sees her he drops the pistols and trembles
violently. _Phyllis_ regards him searchingly and leaves the saloon.
_Ferdinand_ follows unsteadily. Projection on screen:--
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| Gee, boys! Ferd's hit, sure! |
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SECOND SCENE.--Outside the saloon. _Phyllis_ is seen entering a sumptuous
motor. _Ferdinand_ falls to his knees, but she disregards him. As the motor
moves away he prepares to strike himself on the back of the neck with his
tomahawk, but when the fatal blow is about to fall _Phyllis_ leans over the
back of the car and blows him a kiss. Enlargement of _Ferdinand's_ face
working with emotion and finally settling into an expression of immense
determination. Projection on screen:--
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| I swear never to drink again! |
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