In this world of lies the good and the bad are so closely intermingled
that frequently one is the means of obtaining the other. Therefore,
I wish very freely to express my obligations to the Celebrity for any
share he may have had in contributing to the greatest happiness of my
life.
Marian and I were married the very next month, October, at my client's
palatial residence of Mohair. This was at Mr. Cooke's earnest wish: and
since Marian was Mrs. Cooke's own niece, and an orphan, there seemed no
good reason why my client should not be humored in the matter. As for
Marian and me, we did not much care whether we were married at Mohair
or the City of Mexico. Mrs. Cooke, I think, had a secret preference for
Germantown.
Mr. Cooke quite over-reached himself in that wedding. “The knot was
tied,” as the papers expressed it, “under a huge bell of yellow roses.”
The paper also named the figure which the flowers and the collation and
other things cost Mr. Cooke. A natural reticence forbids me to repeat
it. But, lest my client should think that I undervalue his kindness, I
will say that we had the grandest wedding ever seen in that part of the
world. McCann was there, and Mr. Cooke saw to it that he had a punchbowl
all to himself in which to drink our healths: Judge Short was there,
still followed by the conjugal eye: and Senator Trevor, who remained
over, in a new long black coat to kiss the bride. Mr. Cooke chartered
two cars to carry guests from the East, besides those who came as
ordinary citizens. Miss Trevor was of the party, and Farrar, of course,
was best man. Would that I had the flow of words possessed by the
reporter of the Chicago Sunday newspaper!
But there is one thing I must mention before Mrs. Crocker and I leave
for New York, in a shower of rice, on Mr. Cooke's own private car, and
that is my client's gift. In addition to the check he gave Marian,
he presented us with a huge, 'repousse' silver urn he had had made to
order, and he expressed a desire that the design upon it should remind
us of him forever and ever. I think it will. Mercury is duly set forth
in a gorgeous equipage, driving four horses around the world at a
furious pace; and the artist, by special instructions, had docked their
tails.
From New York, Mrs. Crocker and I went abroad. And it so chanced, in
December, that we were staying a few days at a country-place in Sussex,
and the subject of The Sybarites was broached at a dinner-party. The
book was then having its sale in England.
“Crocker,” said our host, “do you happen to have met the author of that
book? He's an American.”
I looked across the table at my wife, and we both laughed.
“I happen to know him intimately,” I replied.
“Do you, now?” said the Englishman; “what a very entertaining chap he
is, is he not? I had him down in October, and, by Jove, we were laughing
the blessed time. He was telling us how he wrote his novels, and he
said, 'pon my soul he did, that he had a secretary or something of that
sort to whom he told the plot, and the secretary elaborated, you know,
and wrote the draft. And he said, 'pon my honor, that sometimes the
clark wrote the plot and all,--the whole blessed thing,--and that he
never saw the book except to sign his name to it.”
“You say he was here in October?” asked Marian, when the laugh had
subsided.
“I have the date,” answered our host, “for he left me an autograph copy
of The Sybarites when he went away.” And after dinner he showed us the
book, with evident pride. Inscribed on the fly-leaf was the name of the
author, October 10th. But a glance sufficed to convince both of us that
the Celebrity had never written it.
“John,” said Marian to me, a suspicion of the truth crossing her mind,
“John, can it be the bicycle man?”
“Yes, it can be,” I said; “it is.”
“Well,” said Marian, “he's been doing a little more for our friend than
we did.”
Nor was this the last we heard of that meteoric trip through England,
which the alleged author of The Sybarites had indulged in. He did not
go up to London; not he. It was given out that he was travelling for his
health, that he did not wish to be lionized; and there were friends of
the author in the metropolis who had never heard of his secretary, and
who were at a loss to understand his conduct. They felt slighted. One of
these told me that the Celebrity had been to a Lincolnshire estate where
he had created a decided sensation by his riding to hounds, something
the Celebrity had never been known to do. And before we crossed the
Channel, Marian saw another autograph copy of the famous novel.
One day, some months afterwards, we were sitting in our little salon in
a Paris hotel when a card was sent up, which Marian took.
“John,” she cried, “it's the Celebrity.”
It was the Celebrity, in the flesh, faultlessly groomed and clothed,
with frock coat, gloves, and stick. He looked the picture of ruddy,
manly health and strength, and we saw at once that he bore no ill-will
for the past. He congratulated us warmly, and it was my turn to offer
him a cigarette. He was nothing loath to reminisce on the subject of his
experiences in the wilds of the northern lakes, or even to laugh over
them. He asked affectionately after his friend Cooke. Time had softened
his feelings, and we learned that he had another girl, who was in Paris
just then, and invited us on the spot to dine with her at “Joseph's.”
Let me say, in passing, that as usual she did credit to the Celebrity's
exceptional taste.
“Now,” said he, “I have something to tell you two.”
He asked for another cigarette, and I laid the box beside him.
“I suppose you reached Saville all right,” I said, anticipating.
“Seven at night,” said he, “and so hungry that I ate what they call
marble cake for supper, and a great many other things out of little side
dishes, and nearly died of indigestion afterward. Then I took a train
up to the main line. An express came along. 'Why not go West?' I asked
myself, and I jumped aboard. It was another whim--you know I am subject
to them. When I got to Victoria I wired for money and sailed to Japan;
and then I went on to India and through the Suez, taking things easy.
I fell in with some people I knew who were going where the spirit moved
them, and I went along.
“Algiers, for one place, and whom do you think I saw there, in the lobby
of a hotel?”
“Charles Wrexell Allen,” cried Marian and I together.
The Celebrity looked surprised. “How did you know?” he demanded.
“Go on with your story,” said Marian; “what did he do?”
“What did he do?” said the Celebrity; “why, the blackguard stepped up
and shook me by the hand, and asked after my health, and wanted to know
whether I were married yet. He was so beastly familiar that I took out
my glass, and I got him into a cafe for fear some one would see me with
him. 'My dear fellow,' said he, 'you did me the turn of my life.--How
can I ever repay you?' 'Hang your impudence,' said I, but I wanted to
hear what he had to say. 'Don't lose your temper, old chap,' he laughed;
'you took a few liberties with my name, and there was no good reason
why I shouldn't take some with yours. Was there? When I think of it,
the thing was most decidedly convenient; it was the hand of Providence.'
'You took liberties with my name,' I cried. With that he coolly called
to the waiter to fill our glasses. 'Now,' said he, 'I've got a story for
you. Do you remember the cotillon, or whatever it was, that Cooke gave?
Well, that was all in the Chicago papers, and the “Miles Standish” agent
there saw it, and he knew pretty well that I wasn't West. So he sent me
the papers, just for fun. You may imagine my surprise when I read that I
had been leading a dance out at Mohair, or some such barbarous place in
the northwest. I looked it up on the map (Asquith, I mean), and then I
began to think. I wondered who in the devil it might be who had taken
my name and occupation, and all that. You see, I had just relieved the
company of a little money, and it hit me like a clap of thunder one day
that the idiot was you. But I couldn't be sure. And as long as I had to
get out very soon anyway, I concluded to go to Mohair and make certain,
and then pile things off on you if you happened to be the man.'”
At this point Marian and I were seized with laughter, in which the
Celebrity himself joined. Presently he continued:
“'So I went,' said Allen. 'I provided myself with two disguises, as
a careful man should, but by the time I reached that outlandish hole,
Asquith, the little thing I was mixed up in burst prematurely, and
the papers were full of it that morning. The whole place was out
with sticks, so to speak, hunting for you. They told me the published
description hit you to a dot, all except the scar, and they quarrelled
about that. I posed as the promoter of resort syndicates, and I hired
the Scimitar and sailed over to Bear Island; and I didn't have a bad
time that afternoon, only Cooke insisted on making remarks about my
whiskers, and I was in mortal fear lest he might accidentally pull one
off. He came cursed near it. By the way, he's the very deuce of a man,
isn't he? I knew he took me for a detective, so I played the part. And
in the night that ass of a state senator nearly gave me pneumonia by
getting me out in the air to tell me they had hid you in a cave. So I
sat up all night, and followed the relief party in the morning, and you
nearly disfigured me for life when you threw that bottle into the woods.
Then I went back to camp, and left so fast that I forgot my extra pair
of red whiskers. I had two of each disguise, you know, so I didn't miss
them.
“'I guess,' Mr. Allen went on, gleefully, 'that I got off about as
cleanly as any criminal ever did, thanks to you. If we'd fixed the thing
up between us it couldn't have been any neater, could it? Because I went
straight to Far Harbor and got you into a peck of trouble, right
away, and then slipped quietly into Canada, and put on the outfit of a
travelling salesman. And right here another bright idea struck me. Why
not carry the thing farther? I knew that you had advertised a trip to
Europe (why, the Lord only knows), so I went East and sailed for England
on the Canadian Line. And let me thank you for a little sport I had in
a quiet way as the author of The Sybarites. I think I astonished some of
your friends, old boy.'”
The Celebrity lighted another cigarette.
“So if it hadn't been for me,” he said, “the 'Miles Standish Bicycle
Company' wouldn't have gone to the wall. Can they sentence me for
assisting Allen to get away, Crocker? If they can, I believe I shall
stay over here.”
“I think you are safe,” said I. “But didn't Allen tell you any more?”
“No. A man he used to know came into the cafe, and Allen got out of the
back door. And I never saw him again.”
“I believe I can tell you a little more,” said Marian.
......................
The Celebrity is still writing books of a high moral tone and
unapproachable principle, and his popularity is undiminished. I have not
heard, however, that he has given way to any more whims.
PG EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS:
A man's character often give the lie to his tongue
A lie has short legs
Appearance of a professional pallbearer
Architects should be driven and not followed
Consequential or inconsequential irrespective of their size
Deal with a fool according to his folly
Impervious to hints, and would not take no for an answer
Old enough to know better, and too old to be taught
That abominable word “like”
End of Project Gutenberg's The Celebrity, Complete, by Winston Churchill