Mons. De Sotenville--Que dites vous ‡ cela?
George Dandin--Je dis que ce sont l‡ des contes ‡ dormir debout[1].
MOLIERE.
[Footnote 1: "What do you say to that?"--"I say such recitals are only
fit to sleep over."]
About eleven next day, a crazy machine, in the days of our grandfathers
called a noddy, appeared at Mrs. Martin's door. In it was seated Mr.
Lucas in his best black suit and flaxen wig, with his gold-headed cane
between his knees, his hands being sufficiently occupied in reining an
ill-trimmed carthorse, every movement of whose powerful hind leg
threatened destruction to the awkward vehicle. The good humoured Lucy
soon skipped in, and seated herself as bodkin; but to mount Mrs. Martin
was a task of greater difficulty, as the gig was of considerable
altitude, and the horse, teased by the flies, could not be kept quiet
two minutes at a time; a chair was first produced without effect, but at
last, with the aid of her maid Peggy, the neighbouring smith, and the
kitchen steps commonly used to wind up the jack, she was fairly seated;
and ere her laughter or her fears had subsided, they overtook the
village postchaise, containing Mr. and Mrs. Crosbie, and Mrs. and Miss
Lucas.--The travellers in the gig were incommoded by a dusty road, and a
beaming hot sun; the effects of which were dreaded by the good aunt for
Lucy's blue silk bonnet and spencer, which had been purchased two years
before, during their above-mentioned visit to London, which was still
their frequent theme, and only standard of fashion. However, they
proceeded on the whole much to their satisfaction, and after driving
nearly six miles, reached an ostentatious porter's lodge and gate, a
close copy of that at Sion, which announced the entrance to Webberly
House. The approach, with doublings and windings that would have puzzled
the best harrier in Sussex, did not accomplish concealing the house at
any one sweep, but displayed to Lucy's delighted eyes a huge
pile--_ci-devant_ brick, now glorying in a coat of Roman cement, further
adorned with clumsy virandas due north and east, and an open porch in
the southern sun. On one side of the proud mansion was a sunk fence, and
ha! ha!--on the other a shrubbery, quite inadequate to the task assigned
it of hiding the glaring brick-wall of a kitchen garden, which occupied
nearly as large a space as the whole of the pleasure-ground in front.
On the scanty lawn was pitched a marquÈe; at the foot of it was a pond
filled with gold and silver fishes, over which was suspended a Chinese
bridge, leading to a grotto and hermitage, at a small distance from the
house.--Mr. Lucas, resigning the reins to Lucy, alighted to give notice
of the arrival of the party. After a few minutes delay, hasty footsteps
were heard in the hall, and a couple of house-maids scudded across,
bearing dust-pans and brushes, and running down one of the side
passages, called out in no very gentle voice, "William! Edward! here's
company!" "Company!" yawned out William, while he stretched his arms to
their utmost length, and, as he stopped to look at his fine watch,
which, as well as his master's, had numerous seals with French mottos,
declared "Pon honour, it isn't one o'clock;" and wondered "what could
bring those country-folk at that time o'day!"--then, settling his cravat
with one hand, and pulling up his gallowses with the other, leisurely
walked to the porch, where, with a gesture between leering and bowing,
he most incoherently answered the question of "At home, or not at
home;" and without giving himself the trouble of thinking which was
actually the case, ushered the visitors into the drawing-room, leaving
the business of negotiating their audience to the lady's maid.
The beaming sun displayed the unsubsided dust and motes the house-maids
had so lately raised, and the village party were nearly stifled with the
effluvia of countless hot-house plants, whose united scent was too
strong to be called perfume: their entrance was impeded by stools,
cushions, tabourets, squabs, ottomans, fauteuils, sofas, screens,
bookstands, flower-stands, and tables of all sorts and sizes. An
unguarded push endangered the china furniture of a writing-table, and a
painted velvet cushion laid Mr. Crosbie prostrate on the floor. Mr.
Lucas, perceiving the difficulties of the navigation, very quietly
seated himself behind the door, but not in peace--for he was nearly
stunned by the chatter and contentions of a paroquet and a macaw, joined
to the shrill song of some indefatigable canaries hung on the outside of
the opposite window, which scarcely outvied the yelping of a lap-dog,
that Mrs. Martin's centre of gravity had discomfited, when she seated
herself in one of the fauteuils. Meantime, Lucy and Nancy, with
considerable expertness, gratified themselves with examining the
furniture, a task which would probably have occupied them for a week, as
the incongruous mixture seemed to resemble the emptying of an
upholsterer's room, a china manufactory, and a print-shop. The curtains,
five to a window, were hung for all seasons of the year at once, and
consisted of rich cloth, scarlet moreen, brilliant chintz, delicate
silk, and white muslin, to serve as blinds, fringed with gold. The sofa
and chair tribe (for to designate them would require a nomenclature as
accurate and extensive as Lavoisier's chemical one,) were covered with
every shade of colour, every variety of texture, and were in form
Grecian, Chinese, Roman, Egyptian, Parisian, Gothic, and Turkish. The
astonished visitors remained in the silence of perplexity for nearly a
quarter of an hour, but it was then broken by Mrs. Crosbie exclaiming,
with her usual acrimony--"Well, I'm sure, if I was Mrs. Sullivan, and
was _forced_ to go to a pawnbroker's for my settee and chair-frames, I
would at least make my covers all of a piece!--What folks will do to
make up a show!--I'm sure those musty old chests an't a whit better than
what's in my grandmother's garret; and I gave my little William the
other day, for a play-thing, a china image as like that white woman and
child as two peas."--"Though to be sure all these are very fine," said
Mrs. Martin, "Sir Henry Seymour's is the house for me; three
drawing-rooms with not a pin difference; and up stairs always six
bed-rooms of a pattern--then Mrs. Galton is so neat! not a cobweb to be
seen in the house.--Bless me, Lucy! your cheek is all dirty, and your
gloves such a figure!"--"Why, don't you see," interrupted Mrs. Crosbie,
"that the china is brimfull of dust! such slattern folks, pshaw!"--To
all which Mrs. Lucas returned her usual assenting, "He--hem!" Mr. Lucas,
in time recovering from his first dismay, rose from "_The place of his
unrest_," and, with Mr. Crosbie, proceeded to examine the contents of a
mongrel article between a cabinet and a table, on which were _thrown_
rather than _placed_ a variety of curiosities; such as, a stuffed
hog-in-armour, a case of tropical birds, flying-fish, sharks' jaws, a
petrified lobster, edible swallows' nests, and Chinese balls; with
numerous mineral specimens neatly labelled, zeolite, mica, volcanic
glass, tourmaline, &c. "_Multum in parvo_," said Mr. Crosbie, with a
smirk at his own latinity; "Young Mr. Webberly must be vastly learned,"
replied Mr. Lucas, "I should like to talk to him about the plants of the
West Indies, and the practice of physic in those parts, for all the
planters are obliged to attend to the health of the poor negroes for
their own profit, if they don't do it for humanity's sake." Here the
good man was electrified by a violent ringing of bells, followed by the
sound of a sharp female voice, running through all the notes of the
gamut in a scolding tone, of which the visitors could only hear detached
sentences, such as, "I _insist_ upon it, you never let them in
again--how could you say we were at home? Can I never drive into your
silly pate, that we are never at home to a _hired_ post chaise, or to
any open carriage, except a curricle and _two_ out-riders, or a
landaulet and four?"--"It wasn't me, Miss, it was William; I always
attend to your directions ma'am--I denied you the other day to your own
uncle and aunt, because they came in a buggy."--"Uncle, Sir! I have no
uncle.--Well, I give orders at the porter's lodge to-morrow--Go and ask
Miss Wildenheim to receive them; and if she won't, say we are all out; I
tell you once for all, I never will be disturbed at my morning studies
till four o'clock, and _then_ not except by _people of condition_." Soon
after this tirade, a light foot crossing the hall prepared the
confounded party for the entrance of the Iris of this angry Juno. But
when Miss Wildenheim opened the door, her elegantly affable curtsy and
benignant smile dispersed the gathering frowns on the visages of the
disappointed groupe.
This young lady's politeness proceeded from the workings of a kind heart
guided by a clear head: it was a polish which owed its lustre to the
intrinsic value of the gem it embellished, not a superficial varnish
spread over a worthless substance, which a slight collision would
destroy, rendering the flaws it had for a time concealed but the more
conspicuous. With one glance of her dark eye she perceived, that the
good people were offended, and while she made the best apology she could
for the non-appearance of the Webberly family, her cheek glowed with
indignation at their insolent carriage to modest worth: the attentive
suavity of her manner was more than usually pleasing to the unassuming
but insulted party, and her endeavours to soothe their wounded pride
were quickly rewarded with the success they merited. Miss Wildenheim in
turn enquired for all the relations of each individual present, whose
existence had ever come to her knowledge; and in her search after
appropriate conversation, put in requisition every other subject of
chit-chat, her small stock of that current coin furnished her with. But
now--"the eloquent blood," which had spoken "in her cheek and so
divinely wrought," no longer tinging it with "vermeil hues," her
pallidity struck Mrs. Martin's kind heart with a pang of sorrow. "My
_dear_ Miss Wildenheim," said she, in a tone that showed the epithet was
not a word of course, "I'm afraid your visit to London has not agreed as
well with you as ours did with Lucy and me, you don't look so fresh
coloured as you did in the beginning of spring." "Ah! Mrs. Martin,"
interrupted Mr. Lucas, "that high colour was a hectic symptom, I am not
altogether sorry to see it has disappeared; I hope, Miss Wildenheim, you
have nearly recovered from the effects of that smart fever you had last
winter." With a look of thanks to both enquirers, Mr. Lucas' _ci-devant_
patient replied, "Perfectly, my dear Sir; it must have been a most
inveterate disorder, that could have baffled the skill and kind
attention--you exerted for my benefit." Mr. Lucas sapiently shook his
head, and expressed his doubts as to her _perfect_ recovery. "Believe
me, Sir, I feel quite well, my illness was only caused by change of
climate." At the word _climate_, the heretofore placid brow of the fair
speaker was clouded by an expression of ill-concealed anguish; for that
word had conjured up the remembrance of days of hope and joy--of
tenderness, on which the grave had closed for ever! which with all the
ardency of youthful feeling, alike poignant in sorrow as in joy, she
contrasted, in thought's utmost rapidity, with the dreary present, where
each day glided like its predecessor down the stream of time, uncheered
by the converse of a kindred mind, unblessed by the smile of
affectionate love.
To hide her emotion she rose to ring the bell, apparently for the
purpose of ordering a luncheon, which it was the etiquette of the
neighbourhood to present to every morning visitor. The greater part of
the family were, at that moment, at breakfast, and therefore the
summons was not quickly obeyed; but at length a tray was brought in,
glittering in all the luxury of china, plate, and glass, and loaded with
cold meat, fruit, and a variety of confectionary, at the names or
contents of which Mrs. Martin's utmost knowledge of cookery could not
enable her to guess. However as she did not consider ignorance in this
instance as bliss, she immediately commenced her acquaintance with them;
and the whole party, having done ample justice to the repast, prepared
to depart; and it was settled that as steps could not easily be
procured, the arrangement of the vehicles should be changed, Miss Lucas
resigning her place in the post chaise to Mrs. Martin.
Miss Wildenheim had scarcely made her farewell curtsy at the door, when
as the carriages drove off Mrs. Martin exclaimed, "What a sweet young
lady Miss Wildenheim is." "Oh!" said Mrs. Crosbie, "those French misses
have always honey on their lips." "I wonder how she happens to speak
such good English, for her eyes, complexion, and accent are quite
foreign," observed her spouse. "And I hope you'll add, her manner too,"
returned the lady: "I was quite ashamed of her when she first came to
Webberly House, she used to have so many antics with her hands; now she
is something like; but though we have improved her, still her
countenance has never the exact same look three minutes together; and if
you say a civil thing to her, she grows as red as if you had slapped her
in the face." "Mr. Temple told me," said Mrs. Martin, "that she grieved
more after Mr. Sullivan, when he died last January, than all the rest of
the family put together. He told me one day, poor man, that she was the
daughter of a German baron." "Ah, Mrs. Martin," interrupted Mr. Crosbie,
laughing, "I'm afraid there was a mistake of gender and case there; a
_Baronness_ perhaps she might be daughter to, as an action might lie
against me for defamation, I won't say by whom." "You are both wrong,"
said his wife, "for _Mrs._ Sullivan's _maid_ informed me, (and she knows
but every thing) that Miss Wildenheim was Mr. Sullivan's natural
daughter by a German _Princess_ (God forgive him), when he was a general
in the Austrian service. I dare say she is a papist, for he was a
papist, and they are _all_ papists in foreign parts." "Papist or not,"
replied Mrs. Martin, "I'm sure she practises the Christian virtue of
humility; I wish Miss Webberly would take example by her, and learn to
be civil." "I never saw any thing like the airs of the whole family,"
rejoined Mrs. Crosbie, bursting with passion. "I'll take care to affront
them, the very first time they put their noses in Deane." Here Mr.
Crosbie took the alarm, for he recollected certain deeds and
conveyances, young Webberly had spoken to him about, and therefore said,
"Indeed, my dear, we have no right to be offended; it's only the way of
the house: didn't you hear the footman tell Miss Webberly he had refused
to let in her own uncle, and after all, she didn't object to _us_, but
only to the _gig_ and _postchaise_." After some bitter observations,
followed by silent reflection, Mrs. Crosbie apparently acceded to her
husband's argument, and consented to acquit the Webberlys on the flaw
his ingenuity had discovered in the indictment she had made out against
them.
In the humble society of Deane even she had inferiors, in whose eyes her
consequence was raised by her annual visits at Webberly House; and who
never guessed that the rudeness she practised to them, was a mere
transfer of that she submitted to receive from the insolent caprice of
these satellites of fashion.
From whence does the strange infatuation arise, that makes so many
people in all ranks of society suppose, they are honoured by the
acquaintance of that immediately above them, when their intercourse is
so frequently only an interchange of insult and servility? Do they
suppose, that when the scale of their consequence is kicked down on one
side, it rises proportionally on the other?
The comments of the travellers on the Webberly family continued for the
remainder of the drive; and perhaps had the objects of their
animadversions heard their remarks, they might have felt, that the proud
privilege of being impertinent scarcely compensated for the severity of
the criticism its exertion called forth.
At length the party separated--Mrs. Crosbie to show a new edition of
fine airs to the wondering Mrs. Slater--the other ladies to discuss
their excursion again and again, over "cups which cheer, but not
inebriate."