Not one of the morning papers advocated the appointment of Sir Eric
Geddes to be First Lord of the Admiralty. A big scoop this for the
Government.
***
A shortage of paper yarns is reported from Germany. The coarser
varieties have apparently all been monopolised by the Imperial
Government.
***
A foolish rumour is going the rounds to the effect that a music-hall
comedian has confessed that he has never made a joke about the Mess in
Mesopotamia. It is feared that the recent hot weather has affected the
poor fellow.
***
In the absence of the sea-serpent this year a tope weighing
thirty-nine pounds has been captured at Hastings. The fisherman who
caught it declares that if he had known it was a tope at the time he
would not have been in such a hurry to sign the pledge.
***
The Food-Controller is calling for strict economy in the use of ice.
It is not generally known that after it has been warmed a little in
front of the fire the stuff will keep almost indefinitely.
***
The order prohibiting the use of enemy languages over the telephone
is said to be causing some inconvenience. Several persons intercepted
by the operator in the course of a guttural conversation have been
subsequently shown to have been talking Swiss.
***
A Pittsburg inventor is reported by Mr. MARCONI to have discovered a
method of bottling light. If he can bottle anything lighter than the
new Government ale his claim to be a wizard is established.
***
A safe weighing three hundredweight has been stolen from a branch post
office in the Gray's Inn Road. It is believed that in the excitement
caused by an air-raid alarm it was snatched up by a customer who
mistook it for his hat.
***
A man applied at Willesden Police Court recently for advice as to what
he should do with a loaf of War bread which was uneatable, as he dared
not destroy it and could not eat it. His only objection to keeping
it as a pet was a fear that it would never become really fond of
children, although it might in time prove a good house-guard with
which to ward off burglars.
***
At the Birmingham Assizes a man has been sent to prison for publishing
a pamphlet entitled "Questions for Parsons." He now contemplates a new
pamphlet entitled "Back Answers to the Bench."
***
Owing to the fact that the political situation is not quite clear in
Germany the Reichstag has been adjourned. It is expected also that an
attempt will be made to adjourn the War.
***
A writer in _English Mechanics_ declares that a cornet played near
caterpillars will cause them to drop to the ground and die. We
understand that the R.S.P.C.A. plead with allotment-holders to destroy
these pests by a less gruesome method.
***
A motor lorry laden with petrol dashed into the front of a house at
Hazelgrove when the family was not at home. It is only fair to say
that the driver did not know they were out.
***
The Barcelona-to-Bilbao motor race has been postponed owing to strikes
in Spain. A few sharp lessons like this will, we feel certain, have
the effect of discouraging the habit of striking.
***
Some men, said a man before the Swindon Guardians, take up angling in
order to go into the country to enjoy a smoke. It is not known why the
others do it.
***
The Board of Agriculture point out that there is an abundant supply
of kippers on the market at reasonable prices. This will come as a
great boon to music-hall audiences, who find that the kippers used
by comedians are getting rather frayed at the edges through constant
wear.
***
"Bad language is used at Billingsgate not so much by the porters as by
the buyers," said a witness at a City inquest last week. A purchaser
at this market declares that the language is often provoked by the
fish. Only last week he had a heated argument with a very talkative
haddock.
***
England has lost first place in Germany, for America is said to be
the most hated country now. The morning hate of the German family with
ragtime obbligato must be a terrible thing.
***
"The National Service Department," said Mr. Beck in the House of
Commons, "is desirous of remaining where it is." If we are to believe
all we read it will take a great deal to move this department.
***
"Cod liver oil," says a weekly paper, "is the secret of health." Smith
minor sincerely regrets that our contemporary has not kept the secret.
***
The _Vossische Zeitung_, referring to the appointment of Dr.
Michaelis, says "there is no chance of his clubbing together with the
big industrialists and misguided agitators." So long however as they
are clubbed separately we shall not grumble.
***
Waste-paper in Westminster, it is stated, has gone up from £2 10s. to
£7 a ton. Why, it is asked, cannot the Government come to the rescue
and publish the full reports of the Dardanelles and Mesopotamia
Commissions?
***
Boxes of matches with jokes on them, we are told, are now on sale.
Several correspondents who were charged twopence for a box complain
that they are unable to see the joke.
***
An Irish newspaper, _The Kilkenny People_, has been suppressed for
seditious utterances. People are wondering what it can possibly have
said.
***
There will be no flag-day on August 26th.
***
A girl clerk in a Surrey bank has explained a shortage of a half-penny
in her postage-stamps by admitting that she swallowed one. It is
thought that the extremely low price tempted her.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _New Hand_. "Flies seem pretty awful out here,
Corporal."
_Hardened Campaigner_. "Wot flies?"]
* * * * *