DIARY OF ST. ERNEST-MARTYR.
"Lord God! Have mercy upon me! I have just seen the young girl. I have
confessed her in the convent of our Augustinian sisters. She is
imprisoned there. They wish to compel her to take the vows. Poor victim!
"When I recognized her voice; when, in the shadow of the confessional, I
perceived her angelic face, my heart thrilled with an insensate joy. I
then trembled, and wept. Oh, Thou who seest to the bottom of the heart
of man, Thou knowest, my God! my first thought was to leave the tribunal
of penitence. I did not deem myself worthy of sitting in that place. But
in her distress, the child had only me for her support. She thanked
Thee, oh, my God! with such fervor for having sent me across her path,
that my first impulse weakened, and I remained."
* * * * *
"To Thee, my divine Master, I make my confession. Yes; the first time I
saw that young girl at the house of Mary La Catelle, as I was engaged in
teaching the children at her school, I was struck by the beauty of Hena
Lebrenn, her modesty, her candor, her grace! Without knowing it, Mary
La Catelle rendered still more profound the deep impression her friend
had made upon me, by recounting to me her virtues, her goodness, the
truthfulness of her character. Yes; I confess it; since that day, and
despite my reason that said to me: 'Such a love is insane;' despite my
faith that whispered to me: 'Such a love is guilty;' despite all, the
mad passion, the criminal passion gained every day a more powerful sway
over my being. Our meeting to-day, by unveiling to me without reserve
that ingenuous and charming soul, has forever riveted my chains. I love
her passionately. I shall carry that love with me to the grave--"
* * * * *
"Impossible to leave my convent! I am the object of constant
surveillance. Suspicion and hatred mount guard around me. How is Hena's
family to be apprized of the constraint she is placed under? The days
are passing away. I shudder at the thought of the Mother Superior
compelling her to pronounce the vows, regardless of the observations I
made to her that Hena's religious instruction is not yet sufficiently
advanced. Were I sufficient of a wretch to listen to the voice of an
execrable selfishness, I would rejoice at the thought that Hena, not
being granted to me, would be none else's after her ordination as a nun.
No! Were it in my power, I would restore the unfortunate girl to her
family. I would open the gates of the convent--"
* * * * *
"A family!--a wife!--children!--the tenderest of sentiments, the
dearest, the most sacred that can elevate the soul to the height of Thy
providential purposes, O, heavenly Father!--a family--that ineffable
sanctuary of domestic virtues--is forever barred to me! A curse upon
those who founded the first convents!
"And who is it that bars me from that sanctuary? Is it Thy will, O, God
of justice--Thou who gavest a companion to man? No! No! Neither the Word
revealed by the prophets, nor the Word of Thy Son, our Redeemer, ever
said to Thy priests: 'You shall remain without the pale of mankind; you
are above, or below, the duties imposed by the sacred mission of
assuring the happiness of a wife, raising children in the love and
practice of right, and giving them the bread of the soul and the bread
of the body!'
"The reformers, those heretics, they have remained faithful to Thy
divine precepts. Their pastors are husbands and fathers."
* * * * *
"At this moment the noise and the songs of orgy penetrate to the very
recesses of my cell. Mysteries of corruption and debauchery! The poor,
ignorant people believe in the celibacy of the monks and the chastity of
the nuns! Monks and nuns give themselves over to all manner of
abominations!"
* * * * *
"Before ever I met Hena at the home of Mary La Catelle, Thou knowest,
Oh, my God! I was seized with the justice of the reforms that were
proclaimed in Thy name by the Lutherans. I was in communion with them,
if not in the communion of lips, at least in that of the soul. The
adoration of images and saints, the arrogance of the clergy, auricular
confession which places infamous priests in possession of the secrets of
the domestic hearth, the redemption of sins and souls for a money price,
the traffic in indulgences--so many iniquities, so many outrages against
morality, rendered me indignant. My soul opened to the light."
* * * * *
"I have had a strange dream!
"Having become a pastor of the reformed religion, I had married Hena. We
lived in a village, located in a smiling valley. I gave lessons to the
lads. Hena gathered the girls around her. God blessed our union. Two
beautiful children drew closer the bonds of our mutual tenderness. Oh,
sacred family joys! Hena, my beloved wife!"
* * * * *
"Fool that I am! Instead of allowing my thoughts to dwell upon that
dream, could I but tear it out of my memory. Until now I had, at least,
found some bitter comfort in the word--_Impossible_. I am a monk. An
insurmountable obstacle separates me from Hena. My grief fed upon the
most mournful of thoughts. Astray in a labyrinth from which there was no
exit, no ray of hope penetrated to the depth of my despair.
"But now, after that tempting dream, I find myself saying:
"'And yet I could be happy. I could embrace the Evangelical religion,
become one of its pastors, remain guiltless of faithlessness to my vow
of devoting myself to the service of God, and yet wed Hena. The reform
ministers are not held to celibacy.'"
* * * * *
"Mercy, Oh, my God! However intense the hope, it has evaporated. I have
fallen back into the very depth of despair. In order to wed Hena, she
must love me! Can her heart ever have beaten for a man clad in a monk's
frock?"
* * * * *
"Who made me a monk? Could I, at the age of thirteen, be endowed with
judgment enough to decide upon my vocation, and understand the
significance of monastic vows? Was it not in mere obedience to my father
that I entered as a novice the Order of the Augustinian monks? That was
my first step in religious life. Subsequently, partly through lassitude,
partly through habit, partly through submission, I proceeded to
consecrate myself to this gloomy and sterile life. I bowed before the
paternal will. Thus goes the world! To my elder brother freedom to
choose his career and a wife; to him the hereditary patrimony; to him
family joys; to me the cloister; to me the vows that shackle me to
celibacy and poverty! Such are the iniquities of the Catholics."
* * * * *
"A slow fever undermines and consumes me. I am only the shadow of my
former self.
"The religious education that every day I impart to Hena in the shadow
of the confessional is torture to me. I have become so nervously
sensitive that the sweet sound of my penitent's voice makes every fiber
of my brain to twitch. Her breath, that occasionally reaches my face
through the grating of the confessional, makes my forehead to be bathed
in perspiration that burns, and then freezes my temples. I have not the
courage to endure this torture any longer. I shall go crazy. To see, to
feel near me the young girl the thought of whom fills my soul, and to be
forever on guard, in order to restrain myself, to watch every single
word I utter, its inflection, my hardly repressed sighs, the tears that
her sorrows and my own draw from my eyes in order to conceal my secret
from her! I am at the end of my strength. Fever and sleeplessness have
used up my life. I can hardly drag myself from my cell to the church of
the Augustinian monks. Call me to Your bosom, O Lord God! Have pity upon
me. Mercy! Shorten my torments!"
* * * * *
"There is no longer any doubt. Hena will be forced to take the vows.
Yesterday I went to the convent of the Augustinian sisters to inform the
Mother Superior that my weakened health commanded me absolute rest, and
I could not continue the religious education of the young novice.
"'Is Hena Lebrenn at last in a condition to take the veil?' she asked
me.
"'Not yet,' I answered.
"'In that case,' replied the Mother Superior, 'the Lord will enlighten
her with His grace when it shall please Him. It is His concern. Obedient
to the orders I have from my ecclesiastical superiors, the girl must
take the veil within a week. Some other of our Augustinian brothers will
take charge of completing the education of the novice, somehow or other.
It is the reverend Father Lefevre who sent her here. She has a brother
who also was snatched from perdition. The task was easy with him. So far
from refusing to take the vows, he requested to be allowed to enter the
Order of the Cordeliers, and has been taken to their convent and placed
near Fra Girard. The father and mother are devil-possessed heretics. A
curse upon them.'
"And thus, in violation of all law and equity the two children have been
wrested from their family, and will evermore be separated from it. I
would give my life to inform Christian Lebrenn and his wife of the fate
that is reserved for his daughter. Alas, there is no means of seeing
them."
* * * * *
"To-morrow Hena takes the vows at the convent of the Augustinian
sisters. I was informed of it by the monk who replaced me as her
catechiser. My God! The poor girl is lost forever to her family.
"And yet a glimmer of hope remains. The surveillance at first exercised
over me becomes less rigorous, now that my life is ebbing away, and I
hardly leave my couch. If this evening, to-night, I can leave the
convent, I shall notify Monsieur Lebrenn of the imminent danger that
threatens his daughter. Perchance, thanks to the influence of Robert
Estienne, the Princess Marguerite may yet be able to obtain the freedom
of Hena before she has taken the veil.
"My God! Vouchsafe my prayer and deliver me speedily of life. I shall
ask to be buried in my frock, where I keep hidden these leaves, the only
confidants of my love."