TRYING TO ENDURE.
OF course there were other contrasts than those suggested by the two
churches which persisted in presenting themselves to this lonely girl.
How could she help remembering that in the old home she had been Sidney
Benedict's daughter? A fact which of itself gave her place and power in
all the doings of the sanctuary. Alas for the changes that a few brief
months can make!
Sidney Benedict lying in his grave, and his daughter an obscure
music-teacher in an obscure boarding and day school; an object to be
stared at, and pointed out by the villagers as the new teacher.
But for another contrast, which from some divine source stole over
her just then, the hot tears which burned her eyes would surely
have fallen. Sidney Benedict was not sleeping in the grave; that was
only the house of clay in which he had lived. She knew, and suddenly
remembered it with a thrill, that his freed soul was in Heaven. What
did that mean? she wondered. In vain her imagination tried to paint the
contrast. There had been times since his going when she had longed with
all the passion of her intense nature to know by actual experience just
what Heaven is. But these were cowardly moments. Generally, she had
been able to feel thankful that she was here to help mamma and Dora.
She remembered this now, along with the memory of her father's joy, and
it helped her to choke back the tears, and struggle bravely with her
homesickness.
Meantime, it was hard for her to forget that she was the observed
of all observers. But she did not half understand why this was so.
She could not know what a rare bit of beauty she looked in the dingy
church; almost like a ray of brightness astray from another world.
From her standpoint, her dress was simplicity itself; and she had
not lived long enough in this outer circle of society to understand
that there are different degrees of simplicity, as well as different
opinions concerning the meaning of the word.
Her black silk dress was very plainly made, and her seal sacque had
been so long worn, that Claire, the millionnaire's daughter, had
remarked only last winter that it had served its time and must be
supplanted by a new one; the present Claire, of course, did not think
of such a thing, but meekly accepted it as part of her cross!
Her plain black velvet hat had no other trimming than the long plume
which swept all around it, and had been worn the winter before. How
could she be expected to have any conception of the effect of her
toilet on the country people by whom she was surrounded. Her world had
been so far removed from theirs, that had one told her that to them
she seemed dressed like a princess, she would have been bewildered and
incredulous.
Her dress was very far from suiting herself. Her mood had been to
envelop herself in heaviest black, and shroud her face from curious
gaze behind folds of crape. The only reason she had not done so, had
been because the strict sense of honor which governed the fallen family
would not allow them to add thus heavily to their expenses. Indeed, to
have dressed in such mourning as would have alone appeared suitable to
them, would have been impossible. The mother had not seemed to feel
this much. "It doesn't matter, children," she had said gently; "they
know we miss papa; we have no need of crape to help us tell that story,
and for ourselves it would not make our sorrow any less heavy." But the
girls had shrunk painfully from curious eyes and conjectured curious
remarks, and had shed tears in secret over even this phase of the
trouble.
The bell whose sharp clang was a continued trial to her cultured ears,
ceased its twanging at last, and then it was the wheezy little cabinet
organ's turn; and, indeed, those who do not know the capabilities for
torture that some of those instruments have, are fortunate. Claire
Benedict set her teeth firmly. This was an hundred degrees more painful
than the bell, for the name of this was music. How could any person be
so depraved in taste as to believe it other than a misnomer!
While the choir of seven voices roared through the hymn, Claire shut
her eyes, grasped her hymn-book tightly with both hands, set her lips,
and endured. What a tremendous bass it was! How fearfully the leading
soprano "sang through her nose," in common parlance, though almost
everybody understands that we mean precisely opposite! How horribly the
tenor flatted, and how entirely did the alto lose the key more than
once during the infliction of those six verses!
The hymn was an old one, a favorite with Claire, as it had been with
her father; but as that choir shrieked out the familiar words--
I love her gates, I love the road,
The church adorned with grace,
Stands like a palace built for God,
To show his milder face,
it seemed hardly possible for one reared as she had been, to turn
from her surroundings and lose herself in the deep spiritual meaning
intended. Nay, when the line,
Stands like a palace built for God,
was triumphantly hurled at her through those discordant voices, she
could hardly keep her sad lips from curling into a sarcastic smile, as
she thought of the cracked and smoky walls, the dreadful curtains, the
dust and disorder.
"A palace built for God!" her heart said in disdain, almost in disgust.
"It isn't a decent stopping-place for a respectable man."
Then her momentary inclination to smile yielded to genuine indignation.
What possible excuse could be offered for such a state of things? Why
did respectable people permit such a disgrace? She had seen at least
the outside of several of the homes in South Plains, and nothing like
the disorder and desolation which reigned here, was permitted about
those homes. How could Christian people think they were honoring God
by meeting for his worship in a place that would have made the worst
housekeeper among them blush for shame had it been her own home.
Indignation helped her through the hymn, and with bowed head and
throbbing heart, she tried, during the prayer, to come into accord with
the spirit of worship.
But the whole service was one to be remembered as connected with a
weary and nearly fruitless struggle with wayward thoughts. What was the
burden of the sermon? She tried in vain afterwards to recall it.
A series of well-meant and poorly expressed platitudes. "Nothing wrong
about it," thought poor Claire, "except the sin of calling it the
gospel, and reading it off to these sleepy people as though he really
thought it might do them some good!"
Indeed, the minister was almost sleepy himself, or else utterly
discouraged. Claire tried to rouse herself to a little interest in him,
to wonder whether he were a down-hearted, disappointed man. His coat
was seedy, his collar limp and his cuffs frayed at the edges.
Yes, these were actually some of the things she thought while he said
his sermon over to them!
She brought her thoughts with sharp reprimand back to the work of the
hour, but they roved again almost as quickly as recalled. At last
she gave over the struggle, and set herself to the dangerous work
of wondering what Doctor Ellis was saying this morning in the dear
old pulpit; whether mamma and Dora missed him as much as she did;
whether he looked over occasionally to their vacant seat and missed
all the absent ones, papa most of all. But the seat was not vacant,
probably; already somebody sat at the head of the pew in papa's place,
and somebody's daughters, or sisters, or friends, had her place, and
mamma's and Dora's. The niches were filled, doubtless, and the work of
the church was going on just the same, and it was only they who were
left out in the cold, their hearts bleeding over a gap that would never
be filled. Dangerous thoughts, these!
One little strain in another key came in again to help her: Papa was
not left out; he had gone up higher. What was the old church to him now
that he had entered into the church triumphant? He might love it still,
but there must be a little pity mingled with the love, and a wistful
looking forward to the time when they would all reach to his height,
and at that time, mamma and Dora and she would not be left out.
If this mood had but lasted, it would have been well; but her
undisciplined heart was too much for her, and constantly she wandered
back to the thoughts which made the sense of desolation roll over her.
She was glad when at last the dreary service was concluded, and she
could rush away from the dreary church to the privacy of her small,
plain room in the academy, and throw herself on the bed, and indulge to
the utmost the passionate burst of sorrow.
The tears spent their first force soon, but they left their victim
almost sullen. She allowed herself to go over, in imagination, the
Sundays which were to come, and pictured all their unutterable
dreariness.
Did I tell you about the rusty stoves, whose rusty and cobwebby pipes
seemed to wander at their own erratic will about that church? It was
curious how poor Claire's excited brain fastened upon those stovepipes
as the drop too much in her accumulation of horrors. It seemed to
her that she could not endure to sit under them, no, not for another
Sabbath; and here was a long winter and spring stretching out before
her! She was not even to go home for the spring vacation; her poor,
ruined purse would not admit of any such extravagance. It would be
almost midsummer before she could hope to see mamma and Dora again. And
in the meantime, how many Sundays there were! She vexed herself trying
to make out the exact number and their exact dates.
This mood, miserable as it was, possessed her all the afternoon. It
seemed not possible to get away from it. She crept forlornly from her
bed presently, because of the necessity of seeing to her expiring fire.
She was shivering with the cold; but as she struggled with the damp
wood, trying to blow the perverse smoke into a flame, she went on with
her indignant, not to say defiant thoughts. She went back again to that
dreadful church, and the fires in those neglected stoves.
She determined resolutely that her hours spent in that building should
be as few as possible. Of course, she must attend the morning service;
but nothing could induce her to spend her evenings there.
"I might much better sit in my room and read my Bible, and write good
Sunday letters to mamma and Dora," she told herself, grimly, as the
spiteful smoke suddenly changed its course and puffed in her face.
"At least, I shall not go to church. I don't belong to that church,
I am thankful to remember, and never shall; I have no special duties
toward it; I shall just keep away from it and from contact with the
people here, as much as possible. It is enough for me if I do my duty
toward those giggling girls who think they are to become musicians
under my tuition. I will do my best for them, and I shall certainly
earn all the salary I am offered here; then my work in this place
will be accomplished. I have nothing to do with the horrors of that
church. If the people choose to insult God by worshiping him in such an
abomination of desolations as that, it is nothing to me. I must just
endure so much of it as I am obliged to, until I can get away from
here. I am not to spend my life in South Plains, I should hope."
She shuddered over the possibility of this. She did not understand her
present state of mind. She seemed to herself not Claire Benedict at
all, but a miserable caricature of her. What had become of the strong,
bright, willing spirit with which she had been wont to take hold of
life? Energetic she had always been called; "self-reliant," she had
heard that word applied to herself almost from childhood. "A girl who
had a great deal of executive talent." Yes, she used to have; but she
seemed now to have no talent of any sort. She felt crushed; as though
the motive power had been removed from her.
She had borne up bravely while with her mother and younger sister. She
had felt the necessity for doing so; her mother's last earthly prop
must not fail her, and therefore Claire had done her best. But now
there was no more need for endurance. Her tears could not pain mamma or
Dora; she had a right to give her grief full sway. She felt responsible
to nobody. Her work in the world was done. Not by any intention of
hers, she told herself drearily; she had been willing and glad to work;
she had rejoiced in it, and had planned for a vigorous and aggressive
future, having to do with the best interests of the church. Only think
how full of work her hours had been, that day when the clouds shut down
on her and set her aside! There was nothing more for her to do. Her
plans were shattered, her opportunities swept away, everything had been
cruelly interrupted; she could not help it, and she knew no reason for
it; certainly she had tried to do her best. But, at least, with her
opportunities closed, her responsibility was gone; nothing more could
be expected of her; henceforth she must just _endure_.
This is just the way life looked to the poor girl on this sad Sabbath.
She was still trying to rely on herself; and because herself was found
to be such a miserable source of reliance, she gloomily blamed her hard
fate, and said that at least her responsibility was over. She did not
say in words--"God has taken away all my chances, and he must just be
willing to bear the consequences of my enforced idleness;" she would
have been shocked had she supposed that such thoughts were being nursed
in her heart; but when you look the matter over, what else was she
saying? A great many of our half-formed thoughts on which we brood,
will not bear the clear gaze of a quiet hour when we mean honest work.