hunting-field he will be taken on a hurdle to the nearest house:
usually, by a strange coincidence, the heroine's home. And he will be
said to have sustained "a compound fracture"--a vague description which
will quite satisfy your readers.
GOUT. An invaluable disease to the humorist. Remember that heroes and
heroines are entirely immune from it, but every rich old uncle is bound
to suffer from it. The engagement of his niece to an impecunious young
gentleman invariably coincides with a sharp attack of gout. The humour
of it all is, perhaps, a little difficult to see, but it never fails to
tickle the public.
[Illustration]
HEART DISEASE. An excellent complaint for killing off a villain. If you
wish to pave the way for it artistically, this is the recognised method:
On page 100 he will falter in the middle of a sentence, grow pale, and
press his hand sharply to his side. In a moment he will have recovered,
and will assure his anxious friends that it is nothing. But the reader
knows better. He has met the same premonitory symptoms in scores of
novels, and he will not be in the least surprised when, on the middle of
page 250, the villain suddenly drops dead.
[Illustration]
* * * * *
UNPOPULAR GAME AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.--"High-sky-high!"
* * * * *
A ROUGH WINE.--Rude-sheimer.
* * * * *
NERVOUS.--Mrs. Malaprop was induced to go to a music hall the other
evening. She never means to set foot in one again. The extortions some
of the performers threw themselves into quite upset her.
* * * * *
MOTTO FOR A MODEL MUSIC-HALL ENTERTAINMENT.--"Everything in its 'turn'
and nothing long."
* * * * *
[Illustration: BREAKING IT GENTLY.--_His Cousins._ "We sent off the wire
to stop your model coming. But you had put one word too many--so we
struck it out."
_Real Artist._ "Oh, indeed. What word did you strike out?"
_His Cousins._ "You had written 'he wasn't to come, as you had only just
discovered you couldn't paint to-day.' So we crossed out '_to-day_.'"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE STATE OF THE MARKET.--_Artist_ (_to customer_, _who
has come to buy on behalf of a large furnishing firm in Tottenham Court
Road_): "How would this suit you? 'Summer'!"
_Customer_: "H'm--'Summer.' Well, sir, the fact is we find there's very
little demand for _green_ goods just now. If you had a line of _autumn
tints_ now--that's the article we find most sale for among our
customers!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Our Amateur Romeo_ (_who has taken a cottage in the
country, so as to be able to study without interruption_). "Arise, fair
sun, and kill the envious moon----"
_Owner of rubicund countenance_ (_popping head over the hedge_), "Beg
pardon, zur! Be you a talkin' to Oi, zur?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BITTERS AT THE CLUB
_MacStodge_ (_Pictor ignotus_). "Who's that going out?"
_O'Duffer_ (_Pictor ignotissimus_). "One Ernest Raphael Sopely, who
painted Lady Midas!"
_MacStodge._ "Oh, the artist!"
_O'Duffer._ "No. _The Royal Academician!_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: LA VIE DE BOHEME.--_First Bohemian_ (_to second ditto_).
"I can't for the life of me think why you wasted all that time haggling
with that tailor chap, and beating him down, when you know, old chap,
you won't be able to pay him at all."
_Second Bohemian._ "Ah, that's _it_! _I_ have a conscience. I want the
poor chap to lose as little as possible!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Little Guttersnipe_ (_who is getting quite used to
posing_). "Will yer want me ter tike my bun down?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Genial Doctor_ (_after laughing heartily at a joke of
his patient's_). "Ha! ha! ha! There's not much the matter with _you_!
Though I do believe that if you were on your death-bed you'd make a
joke!"
_Irrepressible Patient._ "Why, of course I should. It would be my last
chance!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _She_ (_to Raphael Greene_, _who paints gems for the R.A.
that are never accepted_). "I _do_ hope you'll be hung this year. I'm
sure you deserve to be!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: ART INTELLIGENCE
_She_ (_reads_). "There are upwards of fifty English painters and
sculptors now in Rome----"
_He_ (_British Philistine--served on a late celebrated jury!_). "Ah! no
wonder we couldn't get that scullery white-washed!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Devoted little wife_ (_to hubbie, who has been late at
the club_). "Now, dear, see, your breakfast is quite ready. A nice
kipper, grilled chicken and mushrooms with bacon, poached eggs on
toast--tea and coffee. Anything else you'd like, dearie?"
_Victim of last night_ (_groans_). "Yes--an appetite!" [_Collapses._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AFTER FEEDING-TIME.--_Showman of Travelling Menagerie._
"Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the most interesting part of the
'ole exhibition! Seven different species of hanimals, in the same cage,
dwellin' in 'armony. You could see them with the naked heye, only you
have come too late. They are all now inside the lion!"]
* * * * *
TO BILLIARD PLAYERS.--If you would obey the _rules_ of billiards, always
attend to the _cannons_ of the game.
* * * * *
THE SUSPENSORY ACT.--Hanging the Academy exhibition.
* * * * *
IN THE BILLIARD ROOM.--_Major Carambole._ I never give any bribes to the
club servants on principle.
_Captain Hazard._ Then I suppose the marker looks on the tip of your cue
without interest.
[Illustration]
* * * * *
[Illustration: IN A BAR, NEWMARKET.--_Seedy Individual_ (_to Knowing
One_). "D'yer want to buy a diamond pin cheap?"
_Knowing One._ "'Ere, get out of this! What d'you take me for? A
juggins?"
_S. I._ "Give yer my word it's worth sixty quid if it's worth a penny.
And you can 'ave it for a tenner."
_K. O._ "Let's 'ave a look at it. Where is it?"
_S. I._ "In that old gent's tie. _Will yer 'ave it?_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS
"Yew harxed me woy hoi larved when larve should be
A thing hun-der-eamed hof larve twixt yew han me.
Yew moight hin-tereat the sun tew cease tew she-oine
Has seek tew sty saw deep a larve has moine."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED
"Oh, my prophetic soul! My uncle!"
_Hamlet_, Act I., Sc. 5.]
* * * * *
A BROTHER ARTIST
["We have regularly attended the Academy now for many years,
but never do we remember such a poor show of portraits;
they cannot prove to be otherwise than the laughing-stock
of tailors and their customers."--_Tailor and Cutter._]
The tailor leaned upon his goose,
And wiped away a tear:
"What portraits painting-men produce,"
He sobbed, "from year to year!
These fellows make their sitters smile
In suits that do not fit,
They're wrongly buttoned, and the style
Is not the thing a bit.
"Oh, artist, I'm an artist too!
I bid you use restraint,
And only show your sitters, do,
In fitting coats of paint;
In vain you crown those errant seams
With smiles that look ethereal,
For man may be the stuff of dreams--
But dreams are not material."
* * * * *
MEDICAL.--A sculptor friend, who has strabismus, consoles himself with
the thought that he can always keep his profession in view through
having a cast in his eye.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Frame-maker_ (_to gifted amateur, who is ordering frames
for a few prints and sketches_). "Ah, I suppose you want something cheap
an' ordinary for _this_?"
[_N.B._--_"This" was a cherished little sketch by our amateur himself._]
* * * * *
NOT QUITE THE SAME.--Scene: _Exhibition of Works of Art._
_Dealer_ (_to friend, indicating stout person closely examining a
Vandyke_). Do you know who _that_ is? I so often see him about.
_Friend._ I know him. He's a collector.
_Dealer_ (_much interested_). Indeed! What does he collect? Pictures?
_Friend._ No. Income tax.
[_Exeunt severally._
* * * * *
ART CLASS.--_Inspector._ What is a "landscape painter"?
_Student._ A painter of landscapes.
_Inspector._ Good. What is an "animal painter"?
_Student._ A painter of animals.
_Inspector._ Excellent. What is a "marine painter"?
_Student._ A painter of marines.
_Inspector._ Admirable! Go and tell it them. Call next class.
[_Exeunt students._
* * * * *
THE BEST "PUBLISHER'S CIRCULAR."--A round dining-table.
* * * * *
[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.--_Anxious Musician_ (_in a whisper_, _to
Mrs. Lyon Hunter's butler_). "Where's my cello?"
_Butler_ (_in stentorian tones_, _to the room_). "Signor Weresmicello!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Brown._ "Pity Jones has lost--his figure!"
_Robinson._ "Not _lost_, but gone before!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Briton_ (_to seedy American_, _who has been
running down all our national monuments_). "But even if our Houses of
Parliament 'aren't in it,' as you say, with the Masonic Temple of
Chicago, surely, sir, you will admit the Thames Embankment, for
instance----"
_Seedy American._ "Waal, _guess_ I don't think so durned much of your
Thames Embankment, neither. It _rained_ all the blarmed time the night I
_slep on it_."]
* * * * *
A PROFESSIONAL VIEW OF THINGS.--Old Paynter never neglects any
opportunity for advancing art. Every evening he has the cloth drawn.
* * * * *
BEVERAGE FOR A MUSICIAN.--Thorough bass.
* * * * *
POETICAL LICENCE.--A music-hall's.
* * * * *
TURF REFORM.--Mowing your lawn.
* * * * *
A MONSTER MEETING..--A giant and a dwarf.
* * * * *
THE SOAKER'S PARADISE.--Dropmore.
* * * * *
[Illustration: FINIS]
* * * * *
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.