"Look in my face: my name is Might-have-been,
And I am also called No-more, Too-late, Farewell."
DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI.
The days following Barbara's return to Chancton Priory went slowly by,
and she received no sign, no word from Berwick. She had felt quite sure
that he would come--if not that same evening of her leaving Fletchings,
then the next morning; if not in the morning, then in the afternoon.
During those days she went through every phase of feeling. She learnt
the lesson most human beings learn at some time of their lives--how to
listen without appearing to do so for the sounds denoting arrival, how
to hunger for the sound of a voice which to the listener brings
happiness, however indifferently these same accents fall on the ears of
others. She schooled herself not to flinch when the days went by
bringing no successor to that letter in which Berwick had promised her
so much more than she had ever asked of him.
Even in the midst of her restless self-questioning and unhappiness, she
was touched and pleased at the gladness with which she had been welcomed
home again by Madame Sampiero, and even by Doctor McKirdy. It seemed
strange that neither of them spoke of the man who now so wholly occupied
her thoughts; no one, with the exception perhaps of his old nurse, noted
Berwick's absence, or seemed to find it untoward. Barbara had at first
been nervously afraid that Madame Sampiero would make some allusion to
the few moments they had spent together that Sunday morning, that she
would perhaps ask her what had induced her eager wish to leave
Fletchings; but no such word was said, and Barbara could not even
discover whether Doctor McKirdy was aware that her sudden return to the
Priory had been entirely voluntary.
And then, as the short winter days seemed to drag themselves along, Mrs.
Rebell, almost in spite of herself, again began to see a great deal of
Oliver Boringdon. There was something in his matter-of-fact eagerness
for her society which soothed her sore heart; her manner to him became
very gracious, more what it had been before Berwick had come into her
life; and again she found herself taking the young man's part with
Madame Sampiero and the old Scotchman. Boringdon soon felt as happy as
it was in his nature to be. He told himself he had been a jealous fool,
for Barbara spoke very little of her visit to Fletchings, and not at all
of Berwick; perhaps she had seen him when there at a disadvantage.
As Oliver happened to know, Berwick had left Sussex; he was now in
London, and doubtless they would none of them see anything of him till
Easter. The young man took the trouble to go down to the Grange and tell
Mrs. Kemp that he had been mistaken in that matter of which he had
spoken to her. He begged her, rather shamefacedly, to forget what he had
said. Lucy's mother heard him in silence, but she did not repeat her
call on Mrs. Rebell. So it was that during those days which were so full
of dull wretchedness and suspense to Barbara Rebell, Oliver Boringdon
also went through a mental crisis of his own, the upshot of which was
that he wrote a long and explicit letter to Andrew Johnstone.
They were both men to whom ambiguous situations were utterly alien.
Boringdon told himself that Johnstone might not understand, or might
understand and not approve, his personal reason for interference; but
Johnstone would certainly agree that Mrs. Rebell's present position was
intolerable from every point of view, and that some effort should be
made to set her legally free from such a man as was this Pedro Rebell.
Once Barbara was free,--Oliver thrust back the leaping rapture of the
thought--
After much deliberation he had added, as a postscript: "I have no
objection to your showing this letter to Grace."
Doctor McKirdy watched Mrs. Rebell very narrowly during these same early
December days, and as he did so he became full of wrath against James
Berwick. He and Madame Sampiero had few secrets from one another. The
old Scotchman had heard of Barbara's sudden Sunday morning appearance at
the Priory, and of her appeal--was it for protection against herself? He
made up his mind that she and Berwick must have had, if not a quarrel,
then one of those encounters which leave deeper marks on the combatants
than mere quarrels are apt to do.
More than once the rough old fellow was strongly tempted to say to her:
"If you wish to make yourself ill, you are just going the way to do it!"
but Mrs. Rebell's determination to go on as usual, to allow no one to
divine the state of her mind, aroused his unwilling admiration, nay
more, his sympathy. He had known, so he told himself, what it was to
feel as Barbara felt now, but in his case jealousy, an agony of
jealousy, had been added to his other torments, and shame too for the
futility of it all.
* * * * *
Nine days after Barbara had left Fletchings she received a letter from
Berwick. It bore the London postmark, but was dated the evening of the
day they had parted,--of that day when she had successfully eluded his
desire, his determination, to see her alone.
A certain savagery of anger, hurt pride, over-mastering passion breathed
in the few lines of the short note which began abruptly, "I have no wish
to force my presence on you," and ended "Under the circumstances perhaps
it were better that we should not meet for a while." Something had been
added, and then erased; most women would have tried to find out what
that hasty scrawl concealed, but if it hid some kinder sentiment the
writer, before despatching his missive, had repented, and to Barbara the
fact that he did not wish her to read what he had added was enough to
prevent her trying to do so.
With deep trouble and self-reproach she told herself that perhaps she
had been wrong in taking to flight--nay, more, that she had surely owed
Berwick an explanation. No wonder he was hurt and angry! And he would
never know, that was the pity of it, that it was of herself she had been
afraid--
Then those about her suddenly began to tell Mrs. Rebell that which would
have made such a difference before the arrival of Berwick's letter. "I
suppose you know that James Berwick is in London? He was sent for
suddenly," and Boringdon mentioned the name of the statesman who had
been Prime Minister when Berwick held office.
"Has he been gone long?"--Barbara's voice sounded indifferent.
"Yes, he seems to have had a wire on a Sunday, on the day you came back
from Fletchings."
And Boringdon had never told her this all-important fact! Barbara felt a
sudden secret resentment against the young man. So it had lain with him
to spare her those days of utter wretchedness; of perpetually waiting
for one whom she believed to be in the near neighbourhood; nay more,
those moments of sick anxiety, for at times she had feared that Berwick
might be ill, physically unable to leave Fletchings or Chillingworth.
But this most unreasonable resentment against Oliver she kept in her own
heart.
The next to speak to her of Berwick had been Mrs. Turke. "So our Mr.
Berwick's in London? But he'll be back soon, for he hasn't taken Dean
with him. Sometimes months go by without our seeing the dear lad, and
then all in a minute he's here again. That's the way with gentlemen; you
never know when you have 'em!" And she had given Barbara a quick,
meaning look, as if the remark had a double application.
* * * * *
Then came a day, the 8th of December, which Mrs. Rebell became aware was
not like other days. For the first time since she had been at the Priory
Madame Sampiero inquired as to the day of the month. Doctor McKirdy was
more odd, more abrupt even than usual, and she saw him turn Boringdon
unceremoniously from the door with the snarling intimation that Madame
Sampiero did not wish to-day to be troubled with business matters. Mrs.
Turke also was more mysterious, less talkative than usual; she went
about her own quarters sighing and muttering to herself.
A sudden suspicion came into Barbara's heart; could it be that James
Berwick was coming back, that they expected him to-day, and that none of
them liked to tell her? If so, how wise of McKirdy to have sent away
Oliver Boringdon! But then cold reason declared that if such was indeed
the case, to make so great a mystery of the matter would be an insult to
her, surely the last thing that any of them, with the exception perhaps
of the old housekeeper, would dare to do?
Still, when at last, late in the morning, she was sent for by Doctor
McKirdy, and informed curtly that someone was waiting for her in the
grass walk, she made no doubt of who it could be. In her passion of
relief, in her desire to bear herself well, to return, if it might be
possible, to the old ideal terms on which she and Berwick had been
before he had been seized with what she to herself now characterised as
a passing madness, Barbara hardly noticed how moved, how unlike himself
the old Scotchman seemed to be, and how, again and again, he opened his
lips as if to tell her something which native prudence thrust back into
his heart.
So great, so overwhelming was Barbara's disappointment when she saw that
the man leaning on the iron gate leading to the now leafless rosery was
Lord Bosworth, and not James Berwick, that she had much ado to prevent
herself from bursting into tears. But she saw the massive figure before
she herself was seen, and so was able to make a determined effort to
conceal both her bitter deception, and also her great surprise at
finding him there.
"As you are doubtless aware," Lord Bosworth began abruptly, "I come here
three or four times a year, and McKirdy is good enough to arrange that
on those occasions I can visit my child's grave without fear of
interruption. I ventured to ask that you might be told that I wished to
see you here, because I have a request to make you--"
He hesitated, and with eyes cast down began tracing with the heavy stick
he bore in his hand imaginary geometrical patterns on the turf.
"If my daughter Julia had lived, she would have been seventeen to-day,
and so it seemed to me--perhaps I was wrong--to be a good opportunity to
make another effort to soften Barbara's heart." He put his hand on Mrs.
Rebell's shoulder, and smiled rather strangely as he quickly added, "You
understand? I mean my own poor Barbara's heart, not that of this kind
young Barbara, who I am hoping will intercede for me, on whom I am
counting to help me in this matter. I do not know how far I should be
justified in letting her know what is undoubtedly the truth, namely,
that I have not very long to live. McKirdy absolutely refuses to tell
her; but perhaps, if she knew this fact, it would alter her feeling, and
make her more willing to consider the question of--of--our marriage."
And then, as Barbara started and looked at him attentively, he went on
slowly, and with a quiet dignity which moved his listener deeply: "Of
course you know our story? Sometimes I think there is no one in the
whole world who does not know it. There were years, especially after the
birth of our little Julia, when I think I may say we both had marriage
on the brain. And then, when at last Barbara was free, when Napoleone
Sampiero"--his face contracted when he uttered the name--"was dead, she
would not hear of it. She seemed to think--perhaps at the time it was
natural she should do so--that the death of our poor child had been a
judgment on us both. But now, after all these years, I think she might
do as I ask. I even think--perhaps you might put that to her--that she
owes me something. No husband was ever more devoted to a wife than I
have been to her. Now, and Heaven knows how many years it is since we
last met, I think of her constantly. She is there!--there!" He struck
his breast, then went on more calmly: "My niece knows my wishes, there
would be no trouble with her; and as for my nephew, James Berwick, you
know how attached he has always been to Barbara. Why, I'm told he's much
more here now than he is at Chillingworth!"
He turned abruptly, and they walked slowly, side by side, down the broad
grass path till there came a spot where it became merged in the road
under the beeches. Here he stopped her.
"You are surely not going to walk back all the way alone!" she cried,
for she saw with emotion that he looked older even in the few days which
had elapsed since he had bade her good-bye at Fletchings.
"No, the carriage is waiting for me down there. I only walked up through
the park. Then I have your promise to speak to Madame Sampiero?" he held
her hand, and looked down with peculiar earnestness into her face. As
she bent her head, he added, "You'll let me have word when you can? Of
course, if she's still of the same mind, I'll not trouble her." He
walked on, and then turned suddenly back and grasped Barbara's hand once
more. "Better not use the health argument," he said, "doctors do make
mistakes--an old friend of mine married his cook on, as he thought, his
death-bed, and then got quite well again!" He smiled at her rather
deprecatingly, "I know my cause is in good hands," and she watched him
walk with heavy, deliberate steps down the leaf-strewn way.
For the first time Barbara drew the parallel those about her had so
often drawn. Was James Berwick capable of such constancy, of such long
devotion as his uncle had shown? Something whispered yes; but even if
so, how would that affect her, how would that make her conduct less
reprehensible, were she ever to fall short of what had been her own
mother's standard?
* * * * *
Before her interview with Lord Bosworth, it had seemed to Barbara that
she constantly spent long hours alone with her god-mother; but, after
that memorable eighth of December, she felt as if those about Madame
Sampiero had entered into a conspiracy to prevent her being ever left
alone with her god-mother for more than a very few moments at a time.
Doctor McKirdy suddenly decided to have his house repapered, and he
accordingly moved himself bodily over to the Priory, where Barbara could
not complain of his constant presence in "Madam's" room, for he always
found something to amuse or interest his patient.
Twice he spoke to Barbara of Lord Bosworth, each time with strange
bitterness and dislike. "No doubt his lordship was after seeing Madam?"
and, as Barbara hesitated: "Fine I knew it!--but he might just as well
go and kill her outright. I've had to tell him so again and again"--
Barbara kept her own counsel, but she could not resist the question,
"Then he comes often?"
"Often?--that he does not! He's never been one to put himself out, he's
far too high! He just sends for me over to Fletchings, and I just go,
though I've felt more than once minded to tell him that I'm not his
servant. Madam's determined that he shall never see her as she is now,
and who can blame her? Not I, certainly! Besides, he hasn't a bit of
right to insist on such a thing." And he looked fiercely at Barbara as
he spoke, as if daring her to contradict him.
"I think he has a right," she said in a low tone--then with more
courage, "Of course he has a right, Doctor McKirdy! I'm sure if my
god-mother could see Lord Bosworth, could hear him----" her voice broke,
and she bit her lip, sorry at having said so much.
But the interview with Madame Sampiero's old friend, and the little
encounters with Doctor McKirdy, did Barbara good. They forced her to
think of something else than of herself, of another man than James
Berwick; and at last she made up her mind that she would tell her
god-mother she wished to speak to her without this dread of constant,
futile interruption. At once her wish was granted, for the paralysed
mistress of the Priory could always ensure privacy when she chose.
But, alas for Barbara, the result of the painful talk was not what she
had perhaps been vain enough to think herself capable of achieving on
behalf of Lord Bosworth: indeed, for a moment she had been really
frightened, on the point of calling Doctor McKirdy, so terrible, so
physically injurious had been Madame Sampiero's agitation.
"I cannot see him! He must not see me in this state--he should not ask
it of me." Such, Mrs. Rebell had divined, were the words her god-mother
struggled over and over again to utter. "Marriage?"--a lightning flash
of horror, revolt, bitter sarcasm, had illumined for a moment the
paralysed woman's face. Then, softening, she had added words signifying
that she was not angry, that she forgave--Barbara!
Very sadly, with a heart full of pain at the disappointment she knew she
was about to inflict, Mrs. Rebell wrote to Lord Bosworth. She softened
the refusal she had to convey by telling, with tenderness and
simplicity, how much the man to whom she was writing seemed to be ever
in her god-mother's thoughts, how often Madame Sampiero spoke of him,
how eagerly she had cross-questioned her god-daughter as to the days
Barbara had spent at Fletchings and her conversations with her host.
Mrs. Rebell wrote this difficult letter in the drawing-room, sitting at
the beautiful bureau which had been the gift of the man to whom she was
writing, and which even now contained hundreds of his letters. Suddenly,
and while she was hesitating as to how she should sign herself, James
Berwick walked, unannounced, into the room, coming so quietly that for a
moment he stood looking at Barbara before she herself became aware that
he was there. So had Barbara looked, on that first evening he had seen
her; but then he had been outside the window and gazing at the woman
bending over the bureau with cool, critical eyes.
Now, he was aware of nothing, save that the hunger of his eyes was
appeased, and that he had come to eat humble pie and make his peace, for
in his case that prescription which is said to be so excellent for
lovers--absence--had only made him feel, more than he had done before,
that he could not and would not live without her.
* * * * *
An hour later Berwick was gone, as Barbara believed in all sincerity,
for ever. He knew better, but even he felt inclined to try another dose
of that absence, of that absorption in the business that he loved, to
compel forgetfulness. It was clear--so he told himself when rushing back
to Chillingworth through the December night air--it was clear that what
this woman wanted was a stone image, not a man, for her friend!
For a while, perhaps for half the time he had been with her, standing by
the mantel-piece while she sat two or three yards off, there had been a
truce of God. Berwick had thought out a certain line of action, and he
tried to be, as some hidden instinct told him she wished to see him,
once more the tender, self-less, sexless friend. He even brought his
lips to mutter something like a prayer for forgiveness, and the tears
came into her eyes as with uplifted hand she checked the words. Poor
Barbara! She was so divinely happy, for his mere presence satisfied her
heart. She had never known him quite so gentle, quite so submissive, as
to-day. So glad had she been to see him that for a moment she had felt
tempted to show him how welcome he was! But he had chosen,--and she was
deeply grateful to him for this--to behave as if he had only parted from
her the day before. Fletchings, all that happened there, was to be as if
it had not been--as if the scene in the music gallery had been blotted
out from their memories.
Then came an allusion on his part to his forthcoming visit to Scotland,
and to the invitation which he knew his sister had been at some pains to
procure for Mrs. Rebell, and which Barbara would receive the next
morning.
"I cannot accept it; it is very kind of Miss Berwick, but how could I
leave my god-mother again so soon?"
"Is that the only reason?" he said, and she heard with beating heart the
under-current of anger, of suppressed feeling in his voice. "If so, I am
sure I can make it all right. It would only be ten days, and Madame
Sampiero would like you to meet the people who will be there. But
perhaps"--he came nearer and stood glowering down at her--"perhaps that
is not your only reason!"
And Barbara, looking up at him with beseeching eyes, shook her head.
"Do you mean"--Berwick spoke so quietly that his tone deceived her, and
made her think him in amicable agreement with herself--"Do you mean that
you do not wish to find yourself again under the same roof with me? Did
what happened at Fletchings make that difference?"
She hesitated most painfully. "I have been very unhappy," she whispered
at last, "I know we have both regretted----"
"By God, I have regretted nothing--excepting your coldness!" He grasped
her hands not over-gently, and the look came into his eyes which had
come there in the music room at Fletchings. "Do you wish us to go back
to coldly-measured friendship?" Then he bent down and gathered her into
his arms, even now not daring to kiss her. "Tell me," he said with
sudden gentleness, "am I--am I--disagreeable to you, my dearest? I shall
not be angry if you say yes." And Barbara, lying trembling, and as he
thought inertly, unresponsively, in his arms, found the courage to
answer, "I do care--but not as you wish me to do. Why cannot we go back
to where we were?"
On hearing the whispered words he quickly released her, and, turning,
made his way to the door. Barbara, for an agonised moment, nearly called
out to him to come back and learn from her arms--her lips--how untrue
were the words which were driving him away.
But in a moment, or so it seemed to her, he had thrust her from him and
had gone, hastening down the great hall, and out through the porch into
the air.
* * * * *
By the morning she had taught herself to think it was better he should
never come back, for never would she find the strength to send him away
again as she had done last night.