(_At the Middlesex Hospital._)
Just been given what the newspapers call "the privileges and status of a
true Collegian,"--in other words find I'm no longer to be allowed to
live in the jolly old free-and-easy way, in one's own diggings, but am
to be boxed up inside the Hospital instead! Hang the Authorities! Should
like to cup them all.
Anyhow, got a decent room: can show it off to visitors. Visit from
Oxbridge friend. Seems surprised at smallness of my apartment. Says it's
"not _his_ idea of living in College: more like living in _Quad_," he
adds, humorously. "Do I really mean to say," he asks, "that I am to
sleep in same room I live in, with only a curtain between?" Have to
confess such is the intention of the architect. He says, "if he was me,
he'd complain to the Dean." Don't like to show ignorance--so don't ask
him if he means Dean of WESTMINSTER or ST. PAUL'S. Oxbridge friend
declines my invitation to "dine in Hall," and disappears.
Ah! They've given us a Smoking-room, anyhow. Is it a smoking-room? No--a
"Library and Reading-room." Disgusting! Ring for brandy-and-soda. Nobody
answers the bell! It seems the "Collegiate servants" go out of College
between meals. Nothing to do, so amuse myself for an hour in
Dissecting-room. Pine for freedom. Go to entrance and am stopped by
Porter. Porter says, "Gentlemen not allowed to leave Hospital after dark
without leave of House Surgeon." Tell Porter I'm a child of nature, and
that I want to visit a dying relative. Porter incredulous--proposes
sending one of the resident Physicians instead. No, thanks! Retire to
room and think of old rollicking days. Nothing to do. Wonder if Porter
would let me bleed him. No, perhaps he's not in the vein.
_Hall Dinner._--Hate dining in common--reminds one of the Zoo. Student
next to me very sloppy. Brings a bone in with him, and puts it on table,
studying it between courses. Tell him, pleasantly, it'll be a bone of
contention if he does not remove it. He doesn't understand. Replies,
quite seriously, that it's the "_os humeri_."
_After Dinner._--Tedious. Just the time when the "Lion Comique" is
"coming on" at the Parthenon Music Hall. And I can't get out to hear
him!
_Later._--Had jolly spree, after all--also after Hall. Tied new curtains
together and let myself down into street, amid yells of large crowd.
Rather damaged right scapula, but can't be helped. Went to Gaiety; jolly
supper, met Ben Allen and a lot of chappies, who are at Bart's and
haven't any of these ridiculous Collegiate regulations, and had high old
time. How to get back, though? Ay, "there's the rub,"--worse than
rubbing scapula, too.
Boldest plan best. Rap Porter up. Porter surprised to see me. Says it's
"past one o'clock," and wants to know how I got out. Tell him I'm a
child of nature, and if he reports me to House Surgeon I shall certainly
cup him to-morrow. Porter asserts, quite untruly, that I am intoxicated.
_Next Day._--Authorities have heard how I escaped from Hospital last
night. Also Porter--the idiot!--has complained that he goes in fear of
his life because of my threats. On the whole, Hospital Authorities come
to conclusion to ask me to leave, as "they think I am not fitted for
Collegiate life," and I quite agree with them. Pack up, and pack off.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "UNCO GUID!"
_Southerner (in Glasgow, to Friend)._ "BY THE WAY, DO YOU KNOW MCSCREW?"
_Northerner._ "KEN MCSCREW? Oo' FINE! A GRAUND MAN, MCSCREW! KEEPS THE
SAWBATH,--AN' EVERYTHING ELSE HE CAN LAY HIS HANDS ON!"]
* * * * *
QUITE A LITTLE HOLIDAY.--The unfortunate Vacation Judge this year has
been detained at Court or Chambers five times a week instead of (as in
the olden days) thrice a fortnight. He must appreciate the meaning of
"getting his head into Chancery"--and his wig too!
* * * * *