THE WIFE
Nature's Intention in Marriage--The Woman's Crime in Marrying for
Support--Her Blunder in Marrying an Inefficient Man for Love--The
Proper Union--Mutual Aid of Husband and Wife--Manipulating a Husband--By
Deceit--By Tact--Confidence Between Man and Wife.
"Her very soul is in home, and in the discharge of all those quiet
virtues of which home is the centre. Her husband will be to her the
object of all her care, solicitude and affection. She will see nothing
but by him, and through him. If he is a man of sense and virtue, she
will sympathize in his sorrows, divert his fatigue, and share his
pleasures. If she becomes the property of a churlish or negligent
husband, she will suit his taste also, for she will not long survive
his unkindness."--SIR WALTER SCOTT--_Waverley._
Marriage is the crown of woman's life, a dignity that is all the more
honorable because it is of general expectation and realization. There
is a presumption that the unmarried woman has missed the central and
significant reason for her existence, the perpetuation and nurture of
the race, and that the burden is upon her for compensating society by
other services for this lost opportunity. Marriage for a woman means
attainment first and fulfilment after, the reward given in advance of
labor, and therefore entailing a special moral obligation that it be
justified in its fruits. Nature gives the future mother peace of mind,
rest from doubt as to career and from responsibility as to breadwinning,
in order that she may tranquilly devote herself to her special function
as the maker of the home.
The fact that in the normal home the wife is relieved from the necessity
of earning the living of the home sometimes has the effect of making her
careless about expenditure. The thoughtless wife, and here thoughtless
means selfish, assumes that the problem of providing is "up to" the
husband and takes no care to aid him in its solution. If the suggestion
of her being a burden to him ever does cross her mind, she is ready to
excuse herself by consolatory sayings such as "Two can live cheaper than
one," the truth of which, though universal when every wife was a
producer of such things as clothing that are now bought is now the case
only in agricultural homes, and even there has lost a great deal of its
force. Men do not marry now, as they once did, for economic reasons,
but rather in spite of them, for the higher rewards of love and
companionship of wife and children, and this the wife should recognize
by giving her husband the things for which he has made his economic
sacrifice. In the old days a man who did not marry paid for his liberty
by loss of physical comfort and wealth. Thus Hesiod, one of the earliest
Greek poets, in his Farmer's Almanac called "Works and Days," coupled
the marrying of a wife with the purchase of a yoke of oxen and a plow
as the first things needful in beginning to farm, and this in despite
of the fact that he was a woman-hater.
Now it is the woman who is tempted to marry for economic reasons, to
be certain of material support while she exercises herself in those
household avocations and social pleasures which constitute the main
activities of women. This is a legitimate consideration only when the
interest of the man is also taken into account. Marriage to a man whom
she does not love is a crime for any woman; giving falsely the offerings
of love for material things is harlotry even though legitimated by vows
and ceremonies.
On the other hand, marriage for love to a man who cannot support her is
a sad mistake for a woman who is not able or willing to take the place
of breadwinner, for such a union defeats its own purpose. Therefore,
in kindness to the man as well as to herself, such a woman should satisfy
herself that he can support her, not necessarily in "the style to which
she has been accustomed," but in the style necessary for her to perform
the duties of homemaker and mother. Those marriages are the happiest
where a wife can also enter into sympathy with her husband's business
ambitions in particular and ideals of life in general. Here she is
peculiarly his helpmate. He can hire a housekeeper, but not a companion
of his bosom.
A girl properly reared will naturally be drawn to a man complementary
to her in character--not "opposite," as is so often said. Opposition
implies antagonism, which would be the ruin of home life. The term
complementary implies similarity in the main elements of character with
adaptable differences. Good qualities, such as strength and delicacy,
may complement each other, but not evil and good qualities, such as
brutality and tenderness. As Scott says in the quotation at the head
of this chapter, a tender wife may suit the taste of a churlish husband,
but only by not long surviving his unkindness. While such opposition may
not result in actual death, it certainly leads to the demise of all that
makes life worth living.
A woman should not expect to find a perfect husband. Indeed, her chief
usefulness to him will be in her strengthening his weak points, and
cultivating his right inclinations until they are confirmed habits.
Yet in this work she should realize the imperfections in herself, and
respond to the similar aid he gives her by his example and suggestions.
Mutual aid is the great bond of marriage, as it is of all human
relations.
Women, from their weaker condition, have from ages past been trained to
gain their desires from men by indirection. In the worst form, this
appears as deceit; in the best, as tact. Laying aside the moral aspect,
deceit is always unwise in a wife, since, in time, it defeats its own
end. Many a woman thinks that she is deceiving her husband, since she
wins her points, when he thoroughly recognizes her machinations, and
accedes to them without contest simply for peace in the household,
acquiring a feeling of moral superiority to her which, though it may be
tolerant, is nevertheless contemptuous. But when she employs loving
tact, especially in the improvement of her husband's habits and traits,
even though he realizes it, he is at heart grateful for it, and proud
of his wife's superiority in these points.
In those matters where the characters of husband and wife are strong
enough to permit frankness, this should always be employed. In all the
grave problems of life there should be perfect confidence between the
pair who have taken the solemn vows of wedlock. Any third party that
enjoys a superior confidence with one of them, whether relative or
friend, even the pastor or family physician, is the man invoked against
in the marriage charge, who "puts them asunder." Where unhappily the
husband is irreligious and the wife is forced to seek confidential help
and consolation of her spiritual adviser, she should strictly limit
these to religious matters, else she will grow apart from her husband.
George Moore, in his collection of stories entitled, "The Untilled
Field," presents the propensity of women in Ireland to run to the priest
for guidance on every question, as the chief cause of their domestic
tragedies. In America the family physician is as apt as the pastor to be
made the recipient of such confidences, with evil results where he is
not wise enough to advise that the husband is the proper person to whom
the wife should go.