_Corelli Parade, Stratford-on-Avon._
DEAR SIR,--I seem to have read somewhere of the extreme sagacity and
intelligence shown by the baboons of South Africa, some of whom, as well
as I remember, are employed as porters and, I think, station-masters on
the railways in the interior of Cape Colony. My gardener and coachman
having both been called up, it has occurred to me that I might find
efficient substitutes for them in these excellent animals.
Perhaps you or some of your readers would kindly inform me what it would
cost to import two trustworthy baboons, also what would be a fair wage
to give them; whether they would come under the provisions of the
National Insurance Act, and whether they are vegetarians or carnivorous?
Any other information bearing on their tastes and habits would be
gratefully received by
Yours faithfully, (MRS.) AMANDA BLEEK.
[You should communicate with the Director of the Zoological
Gardens, Regent's Park. We believe that baboons can be booked at
special rates. Possibly they might be allowed to work their passage
over as stokers? As regards wages, payment in kind is generally
preferred to money. The baboon is a vegetarian but no bigot, and
will eat mutton chops without protest. The great American nature
historian, WARD, tells us that we should not give the elephant
tobacco, but lays no embargo on its being offered to baboons. They
are addicted to spirituous liquors, and on the whole it is best to
get them to take the pledge. A valued correspondent of ours, Canon
Phibbs, once had a tame gorilla which invariably accompanied Mrs.
Phibbs at Penny Readings; but this interesting animal died suddenly
from a surfeit of mushrooms, and Canon Phibbs has also joined the
majority.--ED. _Daily Swallow._]
* * * * *
POODLES ON THE LAND.
_Kimono Cottage, Camberley._
DEAR SIR,--Poodles have from time immemorial been employed to hunt for
and dig out truffles in France. May I suggest to all owners of dogs of
this highly intelligent breed that they should use them (1) for digging
in gardens and allotments; (2) in place of caddies on golf links? May I
add that poodles ought not to be shaved with a safety-razor, but should
be trimmed by a topiary expert?
I am, Sir,
Yours faithfully, MAISIE MIMRAM.
[We are most grateful to our correspondent for her information and
the humane suggestion with which it is coupled. Truffle-hunting is
indeed a noble sport.--ED. _Daily Scoop._]
* * * * *
"KILL THAT FLY."
_Limejuice Villa, Leighton Buzzard._
DEAR SIR,--As a dead set is being made against dogs by some
uncompromising food economists, may I point out on behalf of our
four-footed friends what admirable service they render the community by
the destruction of flies? My Irish terrier, Patsy, spends half his time
catching blue-bottles--indeed, my husband, who is of a mathematical
turn, estimates that he accounts for several hundreds every day.
Faithfully yours, VERAX.
[Patsy has indeed deserved well of the commonwealth. Some official
recognition is clearly called for, preferably a special
collar--unstarched, of course--recording his services.--ED. _Weekly
Simpleton_]
* * * * *
HOW TO PROVIDE FOR POMS.
_Mazawattee Mansions, Matlock._
DEAR SIR,--I have had since 1912 a Pomeranian dog of good pedigree.
Wishing to give him a chance, I changed his name from Fritz to Jock, but
he refuses to answer to the new title. As it is impossible to deport him
to his native land, I think of presenting him to a German Prisoners'
Camp in the neighbourhood, but before doing so should be glad of your
advice. Yours anxiously, PUZZLED.
[The problem is a difficult one, but we see no reason for vetoing
our correspondent's generous proposal. The position of neutral dogs
is also puzzling. Only the other day we heard of a Great Dane who
could not be taught to "die for the King"--doubtless on
conscientious grounds. The feelings of the mites in a Dutch cheese,
again, ought to be considered.--ED. _Conscience._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: PLAYING SMALLER.