This, sir, is one among the Seignory,
Has wealth at will, and will to use his wealth,
And wit to increase it. Marry, his worst folly
Lies in a thriftless sort of charity,
That goes a-gadding sometimes after objects,
Which wise men will not see when thrust upon them.
_The Old Couple._
The ancient gentleman bustled about his shop, in pettish displeasure
at being summoned hither so hastily, to the interruption of his more
abstract studies; and, unwilling to renounce the train of calculation
which he had put in progress, he mingled whimsically with the fragments
of the arithmetical operation, his oratory to the passengers, and angry
reflections on his idle apprentices. "What d'ye lack, sir? Madam,
what d'ye lack--clocks for hall or table--night-watches--day
watches?--_Locking wheel being 48--the power of retort 8--the striking
pins are 48_--What d'ye lack, honoured sir?--_The quotient--the
multiplicand_--That the knaves should have gone out this blessed
minute!--_the acceleration being at the rate of 5 minutes, 55 seconds,
53 thirds, 59 fourths_--I will switch them both when they come back--I
will, by the bones of the immortal Napier!"
Here the vexed philosopher was interrupted by the entrance of a grave
citizen of a most respectable appearance, who, saluting him familiarly
by the name of "Davie, my old acquaintance," demanded what had put him
so much out of sorts, and gave him at the same time a cordial grasp of
his hand.
The stranger's dress was, though grave, rather richer than usual. His
paned hose were of black velvet, lined with purple silk, which garniture
appeared at the slashes. His doublet was of purple cloth, and his
short cloak of black velvet, to correspond with his hose; and both were
adorned with a great number of small silver buttons richly wrought in
filigree. A triple chain of gold hung round his neck; and, in place of
a sword or dagger, he wore at his belt an ordinary knife for the purpose
of the table, with a small silver case, which appeared to contain
writing materials. He might have seemed some secretary or clerk engaged
in the service of the public, only that his low, flat, and unadorned
cap, and his well-blacked, shining shoes, indicated that he belonged to
the city. He was a well-made man, about the middle size, and seemed in
firm health, though advanced in years. His looks expressed sagacity and
good-humour: and the air of respectability which his dress announced,
was well supported by his clear eye, ruddy cheek, and grey hair. He used
the Scottish idiom in his first address, but in such a manner that it
could hardly be distinguished whether he was passing upon his friend a
sort of jocose mockery, or whether it was his own native dialect, for
his ordinary discourse had little provincialism.
In answer to the queries of his respectable friend, Ramsay groaned
heavily, answering by echoing back the question, "What ails me, Master
George? Why, every thing ails me! I profess to you that a man may
as well live in Fairyland as in the Ward of Farringdon-Without. My
apprentices are turned into mere goblins--they appear and disappear like
spunkies, and have no more regularity in them than a watch without a
scapement. If there is a ball to be tossed up, or a bullock to be driven
mad, or a quean to be ducked for scolding, or a head to be broken,
Jenkin is sure to be at the one end or the other of it, and then
away skips Francis Tunstall for company. I think the prize-fighters,
bear-leaders, and mountebanks, are in a league against me, my dear
friend, and that they pass my house ten times for any other in the city.
Here's an Italian fellow come over, too, that they call Punchinello;
and, altogether----"
"Well," interrupted Master George, "but what is all this to the present
case?"
"Why," replied Ramsay, "here has been a cry of thieves or murder, (I
hope that will prove the least of it amongst these English pock-pudding
swine!) and I have been interrupted in the deepest calculation ever
mortal man plunged into, Master George."
"What, man!" replied Master George, "you must take patience--You are a
man that deals in time, and can make it go fast and slow at pleasure;
you, of all the world, have least reason to complain, if a little of it
be lost now and then.--But here come your boys, and bringing in a slain
man betwixt them, I think--here has been serious mischief, I am afraid."
"The more mischief the better sport," said the crabbed old
watchmaker. "I am blithe, though, that it's neither of the twa loons
themselves.--What are ye bringing a corpse here for, ye fause villains?"
he added, addressing the two apprentices, who, at the head of a
considerable mob of their own class, some of whom bore evident marks of
a recent fray, were carrying the body betwixt them.
"He is not dead yet, sir," answered Tunstall.
"Carry him into the apothecary's, then," replied his master. "D'ye
think I can set a man's life in motion again, as if he were a clock or a
timepiece?"
"For godsake, old friend," said his acquaintance, "let us have him here
at the nearest--he seems only in a swoon."
"A swoon?" said Ramsay, "and what business had he to swoon in the
streets? Only, if it will oblige my friend Master George, I would take
in all the dead men in St. Dunstan's parish. Call Sam Porter to look
after the shop." So saying, the stunned man, being the identical
Scotsman who had passed a short time before amidst the jeers of the
apprentices, was carried into the back shop of the artist, and there
placed in an armed chair till the apothecary from over the way came to
his assistance. This gentleman, as sometimes happens to those of the
learned professions, had rather more lore than knowledge, and began to
talk of the sinciput and occiput, and cerebrum and cerebellum, until he
exhausted David Ramsay's brief stock of patience.
"Bell-um! bell-ell-um!" he repeated, with great indignation; "What
signify all the bells in London, if you do not put a plaster on the
child's crown?"
Master George, with better-directed zeal, asked the apothecary whether
bleeding might not be useful; when, after humming and hawing for a
moment, and being unable, upon the spur of the occasion, to suggest any
thing else, the man of pharmacy observed, that it would, at all events,
relieve the brain or cerebrum, in case there was a tendency to the
depositation of any extravasated blood, to operate as a pressure upon
that delicate organ.
Fortunately he was adequate to performing this operation; and, being
powerfully aided by Jenkin Vincent (who was learned in all cases of
broken heads) with plenty of cold water, and a little vinegar, applied
according to the scientific method practised by the bottle-holders in a
modern ring, the man began to raise himself on his chair, draw his cloak
tightly around him, and look about like one who struggles to recover
sense and recollection.
"He had better lie down on the bed in the little back closet," said Mr.
Ramsay's visitor, who seemed perfectly familiar with the accommodations
which the house afforded.
"He is welcome to my share of the truckle," said Jenkin,--for in
the said back closet were the two apprentices accommodated in one
truckle-bed,--"I can sleep under the counter."
"So can I," said Tunstall, "and the poor fellow can have the bed all
night."
"Sleep," said the apothecary, "is, in the opinion of Galen,
a restorative and febrifuge, and is most naturally taken in a
truckle-bed."
"Where a better cannot be come by,"--said Master George; "but these are
two honest lads, to give up their beds so willingly. Come, off with his
cloak, and let us bear him to his couch--I will send for Dr. Irving, the
king's chirurgeon--he does not live far off, and that shall be my share
of the Samaritan's duty, neighbour Ramsay."
"Well, sir," said the apothecary, "it is at your pleasure to send for
other advice, and I shall not object to consult with Dr. Irving or any
other medical person of skill, neither to continue to furnish such drugs
as may be needful from my pharmacopeia. However, whatever Dr. Irving,
who, I think, hath had his degrees in Edinburgh, or Dr. Any-one-beside,
be he Scottish or English, may say to the contrary, sleep, taken
timeously, is a febrifuge, or sedative, and also a restorative."
He muttered a few more learned words, and concluded by informing
Ramsay's friend in English far more intelligible than his Latin, that he
would look to him as his paymaster, for medicines, care, and attendance,
furnished, or to be furnished, to this party unknown.
Master George only replied by desiring him to send his bill for what he
had already to charge, and to give himself no farther trouble unless he
heard from him. The pharmacopolist, who, from discoveries made by the
cloak falling a little aside, had no great opinion of the faculty of
this chance patient to make reimbursement, had no sooner seen his case
espoused by a substantial citizen, than he showed some reluctance to
quit possession of it, and it needed a short and stern hint from Master
George, which, with all his good-humour, he was capable of expressing
when occasion required, to send to his own dwelling this Esculapius of
Temple Bar.
When they were rid of Mr. Raredrench, the charitable efforts of Jenkin
and Francis, to divest the patient of his long grey cloak, were firmly
resisted on his own part.--"My life suner--my life suner," he muttered
in indistinct murmurs. In these efforts to retain his upper garment,
which was too tender to resist much handling, it gave way at length with
a loud rent, which almost threw the patient into a second syncope,
and he sat before them in his under garments, the looped and repaired
wretchedness of which moved at once pity and laughter, and had certainly
been the cause of his unwillingness to resign the mantle, which, like
the virtue of charity, served to cover so many imperfections.
The man himself cast his eyes on his poverty-struck garb, and seemed so
much ashamed of the disclosure, that, muttering between his teeth, that
he would be too late for his appointment, he made an effort to rise and
leave the shop, which was easily prevented by Jenkin Vincent and his
comrade, who, at the nod of Master George, laid hold of and detained him
in his chair.
The patient next looked round him for a moment, and then said faintly,
in his broad northern language--"What sort of usage ca' ye this,
gentlemen, to a stranger a sojourner in your town? Ye hae broken my
head--ye hae riven my cloak, and now ye are for restraining my personal
liberty! They were wiser than me," he said, after a moment's pause,
"that counselled me to wear my warst claithing in the streets of
London; and, if I could have got ony things warse than these mean
garments,"--("which would have been very difficult," said Jin Vin, in a
whisper to his companion,)--"they would have been e'en ower gude for the
grips o' men sae little acquented with the laws of honest civility."
"To say the truth," said Jenkin, unable to forbear any longer, although
the discipline of the times prescribed to those in his situation a
degree of respectful distance and humility in the presence of parents,
masters, or seniors, of which the present age has no idea--"to say the
truth, the good gentleman's clothes look as if they would not brook much
handling."
"Hold your peace, young man," said Master George, with a tone of
authority; "never mock the stranger or the poor--the black ox has not
trod on your foot yet--you know not what lands you may travel in, or
what clothes you may wear, before you die."
Vincent held down his head and stood rebuked, but the stranger did not
accept the apology which was made for him.
"I _am_ a stranger, sir," said he, "that is certain; though methinks,
that, being such, I have been somewhat familiarly treated in this town
of yours; but, as for my being poor, I think I need not be charged with
poverty, till I seek siller of somebody."
"The dear country all over," said Master George, in a whisper, to David
Ramsay, "pride and poverty."
But David had taken out his tablets and silver pen, and, deeply immersed
in calculations, in which he rambled over all the terms of arithmetic,
from the simple unit to millions, billions, and trillions, neither heard
nor answered the observation of his friend, who, seeing his abstraction,
turned again to the Scot.
"I fancy now, Jockey, if a stranger were to offer you a noble, you would
chuck it back at his head?"
"Not if I could do him honest service for it, sir," said the Scot; "I
am willing to do what I may to be useful, though I come of an honourable
house, and may be said to be in a sort indifferently weel provided for."
"Ay!" said the interrogator, "and what house may claim the honour of
your descent?"
"An ancient coat belongs to it, as the play says," whispered Vincent to
his companion.
"Come, Jockey, out with it," continued Master George, observing that the
Scot, as usual with his countrymen, when asked a blunt, straightforward
question, took a little time before answering it.
"I am no more Jockey, sir, than you are John," said the stranger, as if
offended at being addressed by a name, which at that time was used, as
Sawney now is, for a general appellative of the Scottish nation. "My
name, if you must know it, is Richie Moniplies; and I come of the old
and honourable house of Castle Collop, weel kend at the West-Port of
Edinburgh."
"What is that you call the West-Port?" proceeded the interrogator.
"Why, an it like your honour," said Richie, who now, having recovered
his senses sufficiently to observe the respectable exterior of Master
George, threw more civility into his manner than at first, "the
West-Port is a gate of our city, as yonder brick arches at Whitehall
form the entrance of the king's palace here, only that the West-Port is
of stonern work, and mair decorated with architecture and the policy of
bigging."
"Nouns, man, the Whitehall gateways were planned by the great Holbein,"
answered Master George; "I suspect your accident has jumbled your
brains, my good friend. I suppose you will tell me next, you have
at Edinburgh as fine a navigable river as the Thames, with all its
shipping?"
"The Thames!" exclaimed Richie, in a tone of ineffable contempt--"God
bless your honour's judgment, we have at Edinburgh the Water-of-Leith
and the Nor-loch!"
"And the Pow-Burn, and the Quarry-holes, and the Gusedub, ye fause
loon!" answered Master George, speaking Scotch with a strong and natural
emphasis; "it is such land-loupers as you, that, with your falset and
fair fashions, bring reproach on our whole country."
"God forgie me, sir," said Richie, much surprised at finding the
supposed southron converted into a native Scot, "I took your honour for
an Englisher! But I hope there was naething wrang in standing up for
ane's ain country's credit in a strange land, where all men cry her
down?"
"Do you call it for your country's credit, to show that she has a lying,
puffing rascal, for one of her children?" said Master George. "But come,
man, never look grave on it,--as you have found a countryman, so you
have found a friend, if you deserve one--and especially if you answer me
truly."
"I see nae gude it wad do me to speak ought else but truth," said the
worthy North Briton.
"Well, then--to begin," said Master George, "I suspect you are a son of
old Mungo Moniplies, the flesher, at the West-Port."
"Your honour is a witch, I think," said Richie, grinning.
"And how dared you, sir, to uphold him for a noble?"
"I dinna ken, sir," said Richie, scratching his head; "I hear muckle
of an Earl of Warwick in these southern parts,--Guy, I think his name
was,--and he has great reputation here for slaying dun cows, and boars,
and such like; and I am sure my father has killed more cows and boars,
not to mention bulls, calves, sheep, ewes, lambs, and pigs, than the
haill Baronage of England."
"Go to! you are a shrewd knave," said Master George; "charm your tongue,
and take care of saucy answers. Your father was an honest burgher, and
the deacon of his craft: I am sorry to see his son in so poor a coat."
"Indifferent, sir," said Richie Moniplies, looking down on his
garments--"very indifferent; but it is the wonted livery of poor
burghers' sons in our country--one of Luckie Want's bestowing upon
us--rest us patient! The king's leaving Scotland has taken all custom
frae Edinburgh; and there is hay made at the Cross, and a dainty crop
of fouats in the Grass-market. There is as much grass grows where my
father's stall stood, as might have been a good bite for the beasts he
was used to kill."
"It is even too true," said Master George; "and while we make fortunes
here, our old neighbours and their families are starving at home. This
should be thought upon oftener.--And how came you by that broken head,
Richie?--tell me honestly."
"Troth, sir, I'se no lee about the matter," answered Moniplies. "I was
coming along the street here, and ilk ane was at me with their jests and
roguery. So I thought to mysell, ye are ower mony for me to mell with;
but let me catch ye in Barford's Park, or at the fit of the Vennel, I
could gar some of ye sing another sang. Sae ae auld hirpling deevil of
a potter behoved just to step in my way and offer me a pig, as he
said, just to put my Scotch ointment in, and I gave him a push, as but
natural, and the tottering deevil coupit ower amang his ain pigs, and
damaged a score of them. And then the reird raise, and hadna these twa
gentlemen helped me out of it, murdered I suld hae been, without remeid.
And as it was, just when they got haud of my arm to have me out of the
fray, I got the lick that donnerit me from a left-handed lighterman."
Master George looked to the apprentices as if to demand the truth of
this story.
"It is just as he says, sir," replied Jenkin; "only I heard nothing
about pigs.--The people said he had broke some crockery, and that--I beg
pardon, sir--nobody could thrive within the kenning of a Scot."
"Well, no matter what they said, you were an honest fellow to help the
weaker side.--And you, sirrah," continued Master George, addressing his
countryman, "will call at my house to-morrow morning, agreeable to this
direction."
"I will wait upon your honour," said the Scot, bowing very low; "that
is, if my honourable master will permit me."
"Thy master?" said George,--"Hast thou any other master save Want, whose
livery you say you wear?"
"Troth, in one sense, if it please your honour, I serve twa masters,"
said Richie; "for both my master and me are slaves to that same beldam,
whom we thought to show our heels to by coming off from Scotland. So
that you see, sir, I hold in a sort of black ward tenure, as we call it
in our country, being the servant of a servant."
"And what is your master's name?" said Master George; and observing that
Richie hesitated, he added, "Nay, do not tell me, if it is a secret."
"A secret that there is little use in keeping," said Richie; "only ye
ken that our northern stomachs are ower proud to call in witnesses to
our distress. No that my master is in mair than present pinch, sir," he
added, looking towards the two English apprentices, "having a large sum
in the Royal Treasury--that is," he continued, in a whisper to Master
George,--"the king is owing him a lot of siller; but it's ill getting at
it, it's like.--My master is the young Lord Glenvarloch."
Master George testified surprise at the name.--"_You_ one of the young
Lord Glenvarloch's followers, and in such a condition?"
"Troth, and I am all the followers he has, for the present that is; and
blithe wad I be if he were muckle better aff than I am, though I were to
bide as I am."
"I have seen his father with four gentlemen and ten lackeys at his
heels," said Master George, "rustling in their laces and velvets. Well,
this is a changeful world, but there is a better beyond it.--The good
old house of Glenvarloch, that stood by king and country five hundred
years!"
"Your honour may say a thousand," said the follower.
"I will say what I know to be true, friend," said the citizen, "and not
a word more.--You seem well recovered now--can you walk?"
"Bravely, sir," said Richie; "it was but a bit dover. I was bred at the
West-Port, and my cantle will stand a clour wad bring a stot down."
"Where does your master lodge?"
"We pit up, an it like your honour," replied the Scot, "in a sma' house
at the fit of ane of the wynds that gang down to the water-side, with
a decent man, John Christie, a ship-chandler, as they ca't. His father
came from Dundee. I wotna the name of the wynd, but it's right anent the
mickle kirk yonder; and your honour will mind, that we pass only by our
family-name of simple Mr. Nigel Olifaunt, as keeping ourselves retired
for the present, though in Scotland we be called the Lord Nigel."
"It is wisely done of your master," said the citizen. "I will find
out your lodgings, though your direction be none of the clearest."
So saying, and slipping a piece of money at the same time into Richie
Moniplies's hand, he bade him hasten home, and get into no more affrays.
"I will take care of that now, sir," said Richie, with a look of
importance, "having a charge about me. And so, wussing ye a' weel, with
special thanks to these twa young gentlemen----"
"I am no gentleman," said Jenkin, flinging his cap on his head; "I am
a tight London 'prentice, and hope to be a freeman one day. Frank may
write himself gentleman, if he will."
"I _was_ a gentleman once," said Tunstall, "and I hope I have done
nothing to lose the name of one."
"Weel, weel, as ye list," said Richie Moniplies; "but I am mickle
beholden to ye baith--and I am not a hair the less like to bear it in
mind that I say but little about it just now.--Gude-night to you, my
kind countryman." So saying, he thrust out of the sleeve of his ragged
doublet a long bony hand and arm, on which the muscles rose like
whip-cord. Master George shook it heartily, while Jenkin and Frank
exchanged sly looks with each other.
Richie Moniplies would next have addressed his thanks to the master of
the shop, but seeing him, as he afterwards said, "scribbling on his
bit bookie, as if he were demented," he contented his politeness
with "giving him a hat," touching, that is, his bonnet, in token of
salutation, and so left the shop.
"Now, there goes Scotch Jockey, with all his bad and good about him,"
said Master George to Master David, who suspended, though unwillingly,
the calculations with which he was engaged, and keeping his pen within
an inch of the tablets, gazed on his friend with great lack-lustre eyes,
which expressed any thing rather than intelligence or interest in the
discourse addressed to him.--"That fellow," proceeded Master George,
without heeding his friend's state of abstraction, "shows, with great
liveliness of colouring, how our Scotch pride and poverty make liars
and braggarts of us; and yet the knave, whose every third word to an
Englishman is a boastful lie, will, I warrant you, be a true and tender
friend and follower to his master, and has perhaps parted with his
mantle to him in the cold blast, although he himself walked _in cuerpo,_
as the Don says.--Strange! that courage and fidelity--for I will warrant
that the knave is stout--should have no better companion than this
swaggering braggadocio humour.--But you mark me not, friend Davie."
"I do--I do, most heedfully," said Davie.--"For, as the sun goeth round
the dial-plate in twenty-four hours, add, for the moon, fifty minutes
and a half----"
"You are in the seventh heavens, man," said his companion.
"I crave your pardon," replied Davie.--"Let the wheel A go round in
twenty-four hours--I have it--and the wheel B in twenty-four hours,
fifty minutes and a half--fifty-seven being to fifty-four, as fifty-nine
to twenty-four hours, fifty minutes and a half, or very nearly,--I crave
your forgiveness, Master George, and heartily wish you good-even."
"Good-even?" said Master George; "why, you have not wished me good-day
yet. Come, old friend, lay by these tablets, or you will crack the inner
machinery of _your_ skull, as our friend yonder has got the outer-case
of his damaged.--Good-night, quotha! I mean not to part with you so
easily. I came to get my four hours' nunchion from you, man, besides a
tune on the lute from my god-daughter, Mrs. Marget."
"Good faith! I was abstracted, Master George--but you know me. Whenever
I get amongst the wheels," said Mr. Ramsay, "why, 'tis----"
"Lucky that you deal in small ones," said his friend; as, awakened from
his reveries and calculations, Ramsay led the way up a little back-stair
to the first storey, occupied by his daughter and his little household.
The apprentices resumed their places in the front-shop, and relieved
Sam Porter; when Jenkin said to Tunstall--"Didst see, Frank, how the old
goldsmith cottoned in with his beggarly countryman? When would one
of his wealth have shaken hands so courteously with a poor
Englishman?--Well, I'll say that for the best of the Scots, that they
will go over head and ears to serve a countryman, when they will not
wet a nail of their finger to save a Southron, as they call us, from
drowning. And yet Master George is but half-bred Scot neither in that
respect; for I have known him do many a kind thing to the English too."
"But hark ye, Jenkin," said Tunstall, "I think you are but half-bred
English yourself. How came you to strike on the Scotsman's side after
all?"
"Why, you did so, too," answered Vincent.
"Ay, because I saw you begin; and, besides, it is no Cumberland fashion
to fall fifty upon one," replied Tunstall.
"And no Christ Church fashion neither," said Jenkin. "Fair play and Old
England for ever!--Besides, to tell you a secret, his voice had a twang
in it--in the dialect I mean--reminded me of a little tongue, which I
think sweeter--sweeter than the last toll of St. Dunstan's will sound,
on the day that I am shot of my indentures--Ha!--you guess who I mean,
Frank?"
"Not I, indeed," answered Tunstall.--"Scotch Janet, I suppose, the
laundress."
"Off with Janet in her own bucking-basket!--No, no, no!--You blind
buzzard,--do you not know I mean pretty Mrs. Marget?"
"Umph!" answered Tunstall, dryly.
A flash of anger, not unmingled with suspicion, shot from Jenkin's keen
black eyes.
"Umph!--and what signifies umph? I am not the first 'prentice has
married his master's daughter, I suppose?"
"They kept their own secret, I fancy," said Tunstall, "at least till
they were out of their time."
"I tell you what it is, Frank," answered Jenkin, sharply, "that may
be the fashion of you gentlefolks, that are taught from your biggin to
carry two faces under the same hood, but it shall never be mine."
"There are the stairs, then," said Tunstall, coolly; "go up and ask Mrs.
Marget of our master just now, and see what sort of a face he will wear
under _his_ hood."
"No, I wonnot," answered Jenkin; "I am not such a fool as that neither.
But I will take my own time; and all the Counts in Cumberland shall not
cut my comb, and this is that which you may depend upon."
Francis made no reply; and they resumed their usual attention to the
business of the shop, and their usual solicitations to the passengers.