"Well, I walked away, cursing all the Eton boys and all their tutors,
who did not teach them honesty as well as Latin and Greek, and put up at
a very humble sort of abode, where they sold small beer, and gave beds
at two-pence per night, and I may add, with plenty of fleas in the
bargain. There I fell in with some ballad singers and mumpers, who were
making very merry, and who asked me what was the matter. I told them
how I had been treated, and they laughed at me, but gave me some supper,
so I forgave them. An old man, who governed the party, then asked me
whether I had any money. I produced my enormous capital of eight-pence.
`Quite enough, if you are clever,' said he; `quite enough--many a man
with half that sum has ended in rolling in his carriage. A man with
thousands has only the advance of you a few years. You will pay for
your lodging and then spend this sixpence in matches, and hawk them
about the town. If you are lucky, it will be a shilling by to-morrow
night. Besides, you go down into areas, and sometimes enter a kitchen,
when the cook is above stairs. There are plenty of things to be picked
up.' `But I am not dishonest,' said I. `Well, then, every man to his
liking; only if you were, you would ride in your own coach the sooner.'
`And suppose I should lose all this, or none would buy my matches, what
then?' replied I; `I shall starve.' `Starve--no, no--no one starves in
this country; all you have to do is to get into gaol--committed for a
month--you will live better perhaps than you ever did before. I have
been in every gaol in England, and I know the good ones, for even in
gaols there is a great difference. Now the one in this town is one of
the best in all England, and I patronises it during the winter.' I was
much amused with the discourse of this mumper, who appeared to be one of
the merriest old vagabonds in England. I took his advice, bought six
pennyworth of matches, and commenced my new vagrant speculation.
"The first day I picked up three-pence, for one quarter of my stock, and
returned to the same place where I had slept the night before, but the
fraternity had quitted on an expedition. I spent my two-pence in bread
and cheese, and paid one penny for my lodging, and again I started the
next morning, but I was very unsuccessful; nobody appeared to want
matches that day; and after walking from seven o'clock in the morning,
to past seven in the evening, without selling one farthing's worth, I
sat down at the porch of a chapel, quite tired and worn out. At last I
fell asleep, and how do you think I was awoke? by a strong sense of
suffocation, and up I sprang, coughing, and nearly choked, surrounded
with smoke. Some mischievous boys perceiving that I was fast asleep,
had set fire to my matches, as I held them in my hand between my legs,
and I did not wake until my fingers were severely burnt. There was an
end of my speculation in matches, because there was an end of all my
capital."
"My poor Timothy, I really feel for you."
"Not at all, my dear Japhet; I never, in all my distress, was sentenced
to execution--my miseries were trifles, to be laughed at. However, I
felt very miserable at the time, and walked off, thinking about the
propriety of getting into gaol as soon as I could, for the beggar had
strongly recommended it. I was at the outskirts of the town, when I
perceived two men tussling with one another, and I walked towards them.
`I says,' says one, who appeared to be a constable, `you must come along
with I. Don't you see that 'ere board? All wagrants shall be taken up,
and dealt with according to _la_.' `Now may the devil hold you in his
claws, you old psalm-singing thief--an't I a sailor--and an't I a
wagrant by profession, and all according to law?' `That won't do,' says
the other; `I commands you in the king's name, to let me take you to
prison, and I commands you also, young man,' says he--for I had walked
up to them--`I commands you, as a lawful subject, to assist me.' `What
will you give the poor fellow for his trouble?' said the sailor. `It's
his duty, as a lawful subject, and I'll give him nothing; but I'll put
him in prison if he don't.' `Then, you old Rhinoceros, I'll give him
five shillings if he'll help me, and so now he may take his choice.' At
all events, thought I, this will turn out lucky one way or the other;
but I will support the man who is most generous; so I went up to the
constable, who was a hurley sort of a fellow, and tripped up his heels,
and down he came on the back of his head. You know my old trick,
Japhet?"
"Yes; I never knew you fail at that."
"`Well,' the sailor says to me, `I've a notion you've damaged his upper
works, so let us start off, and clap on all sail for the next town. I
know where to drop an anchor. Come along with me, and, as long as I've
a shot in the locker, damn me if I won't share it with one who has
proved a friend in need.' The constable did not come to his senses; he
was very much stunned, but we loosened his neckcloth, and left him
there, and started off as fast as we could. My new companion, who had a
wooden leg, stopped by a gate, and clambered over it. `We must lose no
time,' said he; `and I may just as well have the benefit of both legs.'
So saying, he took off his wooden stump, and let down his real leg,
which was fixed up just as you saw mine. I made no comments; but off we
set, and at a good round pace gained a village about five miles distant.
`Here we will put up for the night; but they will look for us to-morrow
at daylight, or a little after, therefore we must be starting early. I
know the law beggars well; they won't turn out afore sunrise.' He
stopped at a paltry alehouse, where we were admitted, and soon were busy
with a much better supper than I had ever imagined they could have
produced; but my new friend ordered right and left, with a tone of
authority, and everybody in the house appeared at his beck and command.
After a couple of glasses of grog, we retired to our beds.
"The next morning we started before break of day, on our road to another
town, where my companion said the constables would never take the
trouble to come after him. On our way he questioned me as to my mode of
getting my livelihood, and I narrated how unfortunate I had been. `One
good turn deserves another,' replied the sailor; `and now I'll set you
up in trade. Can you sing? Have you anything of a voice?' `I can't
say that I have,' replied I. `I don't mean whether you can sing in
tune, or have a good voice, that's no consequence; all I want to know
is, have you a good loud one?' `Loud enough, if that's all.' `That's
all that's requisite; so long as you can make yourself heard--you may
then howl like a jackall or bellow like a mad buffalo, no matter which--
as many pay us for to get rid of us, as out of charity; and so long as
the money comes, what's the odds? Why, I once knew an old chap, who
could only play one tune on the clarionet, and that tune out of all
tune, who made his fortune in six or seven streets, for everyone gave
him money, and told him to go away. When he found out that, he came
every morning as regular as clock-work. Now there was one of the
streets which was chiefly occupied by music sellers and Italian
singers--for them foreigners always herd together--and this tune, "which
the old cow died of," as the saying is, used to be their horror, and out
came the halfpence to send him away. There was a sort of club also in
that street, of larking sort of young men; and when they perceived that
the others gave the old man money to get rid of his squeaking, they sent
him out money, with orders to stay and play to them, so then the others
sent out more for him to go away, and between the two, the old fellow
brought home more money than all the cadgers and mumpers in the
district. Now if you have a loud voice, I can provide you with all the
rest.'--`Do you gain your livelihood by that?'--`To be sure I do; and I
can tell you, that of all the trades going, there is none equal to it.
You see, my hearty, I have been on board of a man-of-war--not that I'm a
sailor, or was ever bred to the sea--but I was shipped as a landsman,
and did duty in the waist and afterguard. I know little or nothing of
my duty as a seaman, nor was it required in the station I was in, so I
never learnt, although I was four years on board; all I learnt was the
lingo and slang--and that you must contrive to learn from me. I bolted,
and made my way good to Lunnun, but I should soon have been picked up
and put on board the Tender again, if I hadn't got this wooden stump
made, which I now carry in my hand. I had plenty of songs, and I
commenced my profession, and a real good 'un it is, I can tell you.
Why, do you know, that a'ter a good victory, I have sometimes picked up
as much as two pounds a day, for weeks running; as it is, I averages
from fifteen shillings to a pound. Now, as you helped me away from that
land shark, who would soon have found out that I had two legs, and have
put me into limbo as an impostor, I will teach you to arn your
livelihood after my fashion. You shall work with me until you are fit
to start alone, and then there's plenty of room in England for both of
us; but mind, never tell anyone what you pick up, or every mumper in the
island will put on a suit of sailor's clothes, and the thing will be
blown upon.' Of course, this was too good an offer to be rejected, and
I joyfully acceded. At first, I worked with him as having only one arm,
the other being tied down to my side, and my jacket sleeve hanging loose
and empty, and we roared away right and left, so as to bring down a
shower of coppers wherever we went. In about three weeks my friend
thought I was able to start by myself; and giving me half of the
ballads, and five shillings to start with, I shook hands and parted
with, next to you, the best friend that I certainly ever had. Ever
since I have been crossing the country in every direction, with plenty
of money in my pocket, and always with one eye looking sharp out for
you. My beautiful voice fortunately attracted your attention, and here
I am, and at an end of my history; but if ever I am away from you, and
in distress again, depend upon it I shall take to my wooden leg and
ballads for my support."
Such were the adventures of Timothy, who was metamorphosed into a
precise Quaker.
"I do not like the idea of your taking up a system of deceit, Timothy.
It may so happen--for who knows what may occur?--that you may again be
thrown upon your own resources. Now, would it not be better that you
should obtain a more intimate knowledge of the profession which we are
now in, which is liberal, and equally profitable? By attention and
study you will be able to dispense medicines and make up prescriptions
as well as myself, and who knows but that some day you may be the owner
of a shop like this?"
"Verily, verily, thy words do savour of much wisdom," replied Tim, in a
grave voice; "and I will even so follow thy advice."