PRIDE AND LOVE AT ISSUE--THE LATTER IS VICTORIOUS--I TURN QUAKER, AND
RECOMMENCE MY OLD PROFESSION.
If the reader will recall my narrative to his recollection, he must
observe, that religion had had hitherto but little of my thoughts. I
had lived the life of most who live in this world; perhaps not quite so
correct in morals as many people, for my code of morality was suited to
circumstances; as to religion, I had none. I had lived in the world,
and for the world. I had certainly been well instructed in the tenets
of our faith when I was at the Asylum, but there, as in most other
schools, it is made irksome, as a task, and is looked upon with almost a
feeling of aversion. No proper religious sentiments are, or can be,
inculcated to a large number of scholars; it is the parent alone who can
instil, by precept and example, that true sense of religion, which may
serve as a guide through life. I had not read the Bible from the time
that I quitted the Foundling Hospital. It was new to me, and when I now
heard read, by that beautiful creature, passages equally beautiful, and
so applicable to my situation, weakened by disease, and humbled in
adversity, I was moved, even unto tears.
Susannah closed the book and came to the bedside. I thanked her: she
perceived my emotion, and when I held out my hand she did not refuse
hers. I kissed it, and it was immediately withdrawn, and she left the
room. Shortly afterwards Ephraim made his appearance. Cophagus and his
wife also came that evening, but I saw no more of Susannah Temple until
the following day, when I again requested her to read to me.
I will not detain the reader by an account of my recovery. In three
weeks I was able to leave the room; during that time, I had become very
intimate with the whole family, and was treated as if I belonged to it.
During my illness I had certainly shown more sense of religion than I
had ever done before, but I do not mean to say that I was really
religious. I liked to hear the Bible read by Susannah, and I liked to
talk with her upon religious subjects; but had Susannah been an ugly old
woman, I very much doubt if I should have been so attentive. It was her
extreme beauty--her modesty and fervour, which so became her, which
enchanted me. I felt the beauty of religion, but it was through an
earthly object; it was beautiful in her. She looked an angel, and I
listened to her precepts as delivered by one. Still, whatever may be
the cause by which a person's attention can be directed to so important
a subject, so generally neglected, whether by fear of death, or by love
towards an earthly object, the advantages are the same; and although
very far from what I ought to have been, I certainly was, through my
admiration of her, a better man. As soon as I was on the sofa wrapped
up in one of the dressing-gowns of Mr Cophagus, he told me that the
clothes in which I had been picked up were all in tatters, and asked me
whether I would like to have others made according to the usual fashion,
or like those with whom I should, he trusted, in future reside. I had
already debated this matter in my mind. Return to the world I had
resolved not to do; to follow up the object of my search appeared to me
only to involve me in difficulties; and what were the intentions of
Cophagus with regard to me, I knew not. I was hesitating, for I knew
not what answer to give, when I perceived the pensive, deep-blue eye of
Susannah fixed upon me, watching attentively, if not eagerly, for my
response.
It decided the point. "If," replied I, "you do not think that I should
disgrace you, I should wish to wear the dress of the Society of Friends,
although not yet one of your body."
"But soon to be, I trust," replied Mrs Cophagus.
"Alas!" replied I, "I am an outcast;" and I looked at Susannah Temple.
"Not so, Japhet Newland," replied she, mildly: "I am pleased that thou
hast of thy own accord rejected vain attire. I trust that thou wilt not
find that thou art without friends."
"While I am with you," replied I, addressing myself to them all, "I
consider it my duty to conform to your manners in every way, but
by-and-by, when I resume my search--"
"And why shouldst thou resume a search which must prove unavailing, and
but leads thee into error and misfortune? I am but young, Japhet
Newland, and not perhaps so able to advise, yet doth it appear to me,
that the search can only be availing when made by those who left thee.
When they wish for you they will seek thee, but thy seeking them is vain
and fruitless."
"But," replied I, "recollect that inquiries have already been made at
the Foundling, and those who inquired have been sent away disappointed--
they will inquire no more."
"And is a parent's love so trifling, that one disappointment will drive
him from seeking of his child? No, no, Japhet; if thou art yearned for,
thou wilt be found, and fresh inquiries will be made; but thy search is
unavailing, and already hast thou lost much time."
"True, Susannah, thy advise is good," replied Mrs Cophagus; "in
following a shadow Japhet hath much neglected the substance; it is time
that thou shouldst settle thyself, and earn thy livelihood."
"And do thy duty in that path of life to which it hath pleased God to
call thee," continued Susannah, who with Mrs Cophagus walked out of the
room.
Cophagus then took up the conversation, and pointing out the uselessness
of my roving about, and the propriety of my settling in life, proposed
that I should take an apothecary's shop, for which he would furnish the
means, and that he could insure me the custom, of the whole Society of
Friends in Reading, which was very large, as there was not one of the
sect in that line of business. "Become one of us, Japhet--good
business--marry by-and-by--happy life--little children--and so on." I
thought of Susannah, and was silent. Cophagus then said, I had better
reflect upon his offer, and make up my determination. If that did not
suit me, he would still give me all the assistance in his power.
I did reflect long before I could make up my mind. I was still worldly
inclined; still my fancy would revel in the idea of finding out my
father in high life, and, as once more appearing as a star of fashion,
of returning with interest the contumely I had lately received, and
re-assuming as a right that position in society which I had held under
false colours.
I could not bear the idea of sinking at once into a tradesman, and
probably ending my days in obscurity. Pride was still my ruling
passion. Such were my first impulses, and then I looked upon the other
side of the picture. I was without the means necessary to support
myself; I could not return to high life without I discovered my parents
in the first place, and in the second, found them to be such as my warm
imagination had depicted. I had no chance of finding them. I had
already been long seeking in vain. I had been twice taken up to Bow
Street--nearly lost my life in Ireland--had been sentenced to death--had
been insane, and recovered by a miracle, and all in prosecuting this
useless search. All this had much contributed to cure me of the
monomania. I agreed with Susannah that the search must be made by the
other parties, and not by me. I recalled the treatment I had received
from the world--the contempt with which I had been treated--the
heartlessness of high life, and the little chance of my ever again being
admitted into fashionable society.
I placed all this in juxtaposition with the kindness of those with whom
I now resided--what they had done already for me, and what they now
offered, which was to make me independent by my own exertions. I
weighed all in my mind; was still undecided, for my pride still carried
its weight; when I thought of the pure, beautiful Susannah Temple, and--
my decision was made. I would not lose the substance by running after
shadows.
That evening, with many thanks, I accepted the kind offers of Mr
Cophagus, and expressed my determination of entering into the Society of
Friends.
"Thou hast chosen wisely," said Mrs Cophagus, extending her hand to me,
"and it is with pleasure that we shall receive thee."
"I welcome thee, Japhet Newland," said Susannah, also offering her hand,
"and I trust that thou wilt find more happiness among those with whom
thou art about to sojourn, than in the world of vanity and deceit, in
which thou hast hitherto played thy part. No longer seek an earthly
father, who hath deserted thee, but a heavenly Father, who will not
desert thee in thy afflictions."
"You shall direct me into the right path, Susannah," replied I.
"I am too young to be a guide, Japhet," replied she, smiling; "but not
too young, I hope, to be a friend."
The next day my clothes came home, and I put them on. I looked at
myself in the glass, and was anything but pleased; but as my head was
shaved, it was of little consequence what I wore; so I consoled myself.
Mr Cophagus sent for a barber and ordered me a wig, which was to be
ready in a few days; when it was ready I put it on, and altogether did
not dislike my appearance. I flattered myself that if I was a Quaker,
at all events I was a very good looking and a very smart one; and when,
a day or two afterwards a reunion of friends took place at Mr
Cophagus's house to introduce me to them, I perceived, with much
satisfaction, that there was no young man who could compete with me.
After this, I was much more reconciled to my transformation.