IN WHICH TIMOTHY MAKES A GRAND SPEECH, QUITE AS TRUE AS THOSE DELIVERED
FROM THE HUSTINGS--MELCHIOR, LIKE THE CANDIDATE, STATES HIS PRETENSIONS
FOR PUBLIC FAVOUR, AND THE PUBLIC, AS USUAL, SWALLOW THE BAIT.
Fortunately for poor Num, we were not far from the market town at which
we intended to open our campaign, which we did the next morning by Num
and Timothy sallying forth, the former with a large trumpet in his hand,
and the latter riding on a donkey. On their arrival at the
market-place, Num commenced blowing it with all his might, while
Timothy, in his spangled dress, as soon as they had collected a crowd,
stood upon his saddle, and harangued the people as follows:--
"Gentlemen and ladies--I have the honour to announce to you the arrival
in this town of the celebrated Doctor Appallacheosmo Commetico, who has
travelled farther than the sun and faster than a comet. He hath visited
every part of the globe. He has smoked the calumet with the Indians of
North America--he has hunted with the Araucas in the South--galloped on
wild horses over the plains of Mexico, and rubbed noses with the
Esquimaux. He hath used the chopsticks with the Chinese, swung the
Cherok pooga with the Hindoos, and put a new nose on the Great Cham of
Tartary. He hath visited and been received in every court of Europe:
danced on the ice of the Neva with the Russians--led the mazurka with
the Poles--waltzed with the Germans--tarantulaed with the Italians--
fandangoed with the Spanish--and quadrilled with the French. He hath
explored every mine in the universe, walked through every town on the
Continent, examined every mountain in the world, ascended Mont Blanc,
walked down the Andes, and run up the Pyrenees. He has been into every
volcano in the globe, and descending by Vesuvius has been thrown up by
Stromboli. He has lived more than a thousand years, and is still in the
flower of his youth. He has had one hundred and forty sets of teeth one
after another, and expects a new set next Christmas. His whole life has
been spent in the service of mankind, and in doing good to his
fellow-creatures; and having the experience of more than a thousand
years, he cures more than a thousand diseases. Gentlemen, the wonderful
doctor will present himself before you this evening, and will then tell
you what his remedies are good for, so that you may pick and choose
according to your several complaints. Ladies, the wonderful doctor can
greatly assist you: he has secrets by which you may have a family if you
should so wish--philters to make husbands constant, and salve to make
them blind--cosmetics to remove pimples and restore to youth and beauty,
and powders to keep children from squalling. Sound the trumpet,
Philotas; sound, and let everybody know that the wonderful Doctor
Appallacheosmo Commetico has vouchsafed to stop here and confer his
blessings upon the inhabitants of this town." Hereupon Num again blew
the trumpet till he was black in the face; and Timothy, dropping on his
donkey, rode away to other parts of the town, where he repeated his
grandiloquent announcement, followed, as may be supposed, by a numerous
cortege of little ragged boys.
About four o'clock in the afternoon. Melchior made his appearance in
the market-place, attended by me, dressed as a German student, Timothy
and Num in their costumes. A stage had been already prepared, and the
populace had crowded round it more with the intention of laughing than
of making purchases. The various packets were opened and arranged in
front of the platform, I standing on one side of Melchior, Timothy on
the other, and Num with his trumpet, holding on by one of the scaffold
poles at the corner.
"Sound the trumpet, Philotas," said Melchior, taking off his
three-cornered hat, and making a low bow to the audience, at every
blast. "Pray, Mr Fool, do you know why you sound the trumpet?"
"I'm sure I don't know," replied Num, opening his goggle eyes.
"Do you know, Mr Dionysius?"
"Yes, sir, I can guess."
"Explain, then, to the gentlemen and ladies who have honoured us with
their presence."
"Because, sir, trumpets are always sounded before great conquerors."
"Very true, sir; but how am I a great conqueror?"
"You have conquered death, sir; and he's a very rum customer to have to
deal with."
"Dionysius, you have answered well, and shall have some bullock's liver
for your supper--don't forget to remind me, in case I forget it."
"No, that I won't, sir," replied Timothy, rubbing his stomach, as if
delighted with the idea.
"Ladies and gentlemen," said Melchior to the audience, who were on the
broad grin, "I see your souths are all open, and are waiting for the
pills; but a lot too impatient--I cannot part with my medicine unless
you have diseases which require their aid; and I should, indeed, be a
sorry doctor, if I prescribed without knowing your complaints. _Est
neutrale genus signans rem non animatam_, says Herodotus, which in
English means, what is one man's meat is another man's poison; and
further, he adds, _Ut jecur, ut onus, put ut occiput_, which is as much
as to say, that what agrees with one temperament, will be injurious to
another. Caution, therefore, becomes very necessary in the use of
medicine; and my reputation depends upon my not permitting anyone to
take what is not good for him. And now, my very dear friends, I will
first beg you to observe the peculiar qualities of the contents of this
little phial. You observe, that there is not more than sixty drops in
it, yet will these sixty drops add ten years to a man's life--for it
will cure him of almost as many diseases. In the first place, are any
of you troubled with the _ascites_, or dropsy, which, as the celebrated
Galen hath declared, may be divided into three parts, the _ascites_, the
_anasarca_, and the _tympanites_. The diagnostics of this disease are,
swelling of the abdomen or stomach, difficulty of breathing, want of
appetite, and a teazing cough. I say, have any of you this disease?
None. Then I thank Heaven that you are not so afflicted.
"The next disease it is good for, is the _peripneumonia_, or
inflammation on the lungs--the diagnostics or symptoms of which are, a
small pulse, swelling of the eyes, and redness of the face. Say, have
any of you these symptoms--if so, you have the disease. No one. I
thank Heaven that you are none of you so afflicted.
"It is also a sovereign remedy for the _diarrhoea_, the diagnostics of
which are, faintness, frequent gripings, rumbling in the bowels, cold
sweats, and spasm."
Here one man came forward and complained of frequent gripings--another
of rumbling in the bowels, and two or three more of cold sweats.
"It is well. O I thank Heaven that I am here to administer to you
myself! for what says Hippocrates? _Relativum cum antecedente
concordat_, which means, that remedies quickly applied, kill the disease
in its birth. Here, my friends, take it--take it--pay me only one
shilling, and be thankful. When you go to rest, fail not to offer up
your prayers. It is also a sovereign remedy for the dreadful _chiragra_
or gout. I cured the whole corporation of city aldermen last week, by
their taking three bottles each, and they presented me with the freedom
of the city of London, in a gold box, which I am sorry that I have
forgotten to bring with me. Now the _chiragra_ may be divided into
several varieties. _Gonagra_, when it attacks the knees--_chiragra_, if
in the hands--_onagra_, if in the elbow--_omagra_, if in the shoulder,
and _lumbago_, if in the back. All these are varieties of gout, and for
all these the contents of this little bottle is a sovereign remedy; and,
observe, it will keep for ever. Twenty years hence, when afflicted in
your old age--and the time will come, my good people--you may take down
this little phial from the shelf, and bless the hour in which you spent
your shilling; for, as Eusebius declares, `_Verbum personate concordat
cum nominativo_,' which is as much as to say, the active will grow old,
and suffer from pains in their limbs. Who, then, has pains in his
limbs, or lumbago? Who, indeed, can say that he will not have them?"
After this appeal, the number of those who had pains in their limbs, or
who wished to provide against such a disease, proved so great, that all
our phials were disposed of, and the doctor was obliged to promise that
in a few days he would have some more of this invaluable medicine ready.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I shall now offer to your notice a valuable
plaster, the effects of which are miraculous. Dionysius, come hither,
you have felt the benefit of this plaster; tell your case to those who
are present, and mind you tell the truth."
Hereupon Timothy stepped forward. "Ladies and gentlemen, _upon my
honour_, about three weeks back I fell off the scaffold, broke my back
bone into three pieces, and was carried off to a surgeon, who looked at
me, and told the people to take measure for my coffin. The great doctor
was not there at the time, having been sent for to consult with the
king's physicians upon the queen's case, of _Cophagus_, or intermitting
mortification of the great toe; but fortunately, just as they were
putting me into a shell, my master came back, and immediately applying
his sovereign plaster to my back, in five days I was able to sit up, and
in ten days I returned to my duty."
"Are you quite well now, Dionysius?"
"Quite well, sir, and my back is like whalebone."
"Try it."
Hereupon Dionysius threw two somersets forward, two backward, walked
across the stage on his hands, and tumbled in every direction.
"You see, gentlemen, I'm quite well now, and what I have said, I assure
you, _on my honour_, to be a fact."
"I hope you'll allow that to be a very pretty cure," said the doctor,
appealing to the audience; "and I hardly need say, that for sprains,
bruises, contusions, wrenches, and dislocations, this plaster is
infallible; and I will surprise you more by telling you, that I can sell
it for eight-pence a sheet."
The plaster went off rapidly, and was soon expended. The doctor went on
describing his other valuable articles, and when he came to his
cosmetics, etcetera, for women, we could not hand them out fast enough.
"And now," said the doctor. "I must bid you farewell for this evening."
"I'm glad of that," said Timothy, "for now I mean to sell my own
medicine."
"Your medicine, Mr Dionysius! what do you mean by that?"
"Mean, sir; I mean to say that I've got a powder of my own contriving,
which is a sovereign remedy."
"Remedy, sir, for what?"
"Why, it's a powder to kill fleas, and what's more, it's just as
infallible as your own."
"Have you, indeed; and pray, sir, how did you hit upon the invention?"
"Sir, I discovered it in my sleep by accident; but I have proved it, and
I will say, if properly administered, it is quite as infallible as any
of yours. Ladies and gentlemen, I pledge you my honour that it will
have the effect desired, and all I ask is sixpence a powder."
"But how is it to be used, sir?"
"Used--why, like all other powders; but I won't give the directions
till I have sold some; promising, however, if my method does not
succeed, to return the money."
"Well, that is fair, Mr Dionysius; and I will take care that you keep
your bargain. Will anybody purchase the fool's powder for killing
fleas."
"Yes, I will," replied a man on the broad grin, "here's sixpence. Now,
then, fool, how am I to use it?"
"Use it," said Timothy, putting the sixpence in his pocket; "I'll
explain to you. You must first catch the flea, hold him so tight
between the forefinger and thumb as to force him to open his mouth; when
his mouth is open you must put a very little of this powder into it, and
it will kill him directly."
"Why, when I have the flea as tight as you state, I may as well kill him
myself."
"Very true, so you may, if you prefer it; but if you do not, you may use
this powder, which upon my honour is infallible."
This occasioned a great deal of mirth among the bystanders. Timothy
kept his sixpence, and our exhibition for this day ended, very much to
the satisfaction of Melchior, who declared he had taken more than ever
he had done before in a whole week. Indeed, the whole sum amounted to
17 pounds, 10 shillings, all taken in shillings and sixpences, for
articles hardly worth the odd shillings in the account; so we sat down
to supper with anticipations of a good harvest, and so it proved. We
stayed four days at this town, and then proceeded onwards, when the like
success attended us, Timothy and I being obliged to sit up nearly the
whole night to label and roll up pills, and mix medicines, which we did
in a very scientific manner. Nor was it always that Melchior presided;
he would very often tell his audience that business required his
attendance elsewhere, to visit the sick, and that he left the
explanation of his medicines and their properties to his pupil, who was
far advanced in knowledge. With my prepossessing appearance, I made a
great effect, more especially among the ladies, and Timothy exerted
himself so much when with me, that we never failed to bring home to
Melchior a great addition to his earnings--so much so, that at last he
only showed himself, pretended that he was so importuned to visit sick
persons, that he could stay no longer, and then leave us after the first
half hour, to carry on the business for him. After six weeks of
uninterrupted success, we returned to the camp which, as usual, was not
very very far off.