ACT IV

SCENE I.--AN APARTMENT IN THE PALACE.

ENTER PHANTASTE, PHILAUTIA, ARGURION, MORIA, AND CUPID.

PHA. I would this water would arrive once, our travelling friend

so commended to us.

ARG. So would I, for he has left all us in travail with

expectation of it.

PHA. Pray Jove, I never rise from this couch, if ever I thirsted

more for a thing in my whole time of being a courtier.

PHI Nor I, I'll be sworn: the very mention of it sets my lips in a

worse heat, than if he had sprinkled them with mercury. Reach me

the glass, sirrah.

CUP. Here, lady.

MOR. They do not peel, sweet charge, do they?

PHI. Yes, a little, guardian.

MOR. O, 'tis an eminent good sign. Ever when my lips do so, I am

sure to have some delicious good drink or other approaching.

ARG. Marry, and this may be good for us ladies, for it seems 'tis

far fet by their stay.

MOR. My palate for yours, dear Honour, it shall prove most elegant

I warrant you. O, I do fancy this gear that's long a coming, with

an unmeasurable strain.

PHA. Pray thee sit down, Philautia; that rebatu becomes thee

singularly.

PHI. Is it not quaint?

PHA. Yes faith. Methinks, thy servant Hedon is nothing so

obsequious to thee, as he was wont to be: I know not how, he is

grown out of his garb a-late, he's warp'd.

MOR. In trueness, and so methinks too; he is much converted.

PHI. Tut; let him be what he will, 'tis an animal I dream not of.

This tire, methinks, makes me look very ingeniously, quick, and

spirited; I should be some Laura, or some Delia, methinks.

MOR. As I am wise, fair Honours, that title she gave him, to be

her Ambition, spoil'd him: before, he was the most propitious and

observant young novice--

PHA. No, no, you are the whole heaven awry, guardian; 'tis the

swaggering coach-horse Anaides draws with him there, has been the

diverter of him.

PHI. For Cupid's sake speak no more of him; would I might never

dare to look in a mirror again, if I respect ever a marmoset of 'em

all, otherwise than I would a feather, or my shuttle-cock, to make

sport with now and then.

PHA. Come sit down: troth, and you be good beauties, let's run

over them all now: Which is the properest man amongst them? I

say, the traveller, Amorphus.

PHI. O, fie on him, he looks like a Venetian trumpeter in the

battle of Lepanto, in the gallery yonder; and speaks to the tune of

a country lady that comes ever in the rearward or train of a

fashion.

MOR. I should have judgment in a feature, sweet beauties.

PHA. A body would think so, at these years.

MOR. And I prefer another now, far before him, a million at least.

PHA. Who might that be, guardian?

MOR. Marry, fair charge, Anaides.

PHA. Anaides! you talk'd of a tune, Philautia; there's one speaks

in a key, like the opening of some justice's gate, or a postboy's

horn, as if his voice feared an arrest for some ill words it should

give, and were loth to come forth.

PHI. Ay, and he has a very imperfect face.

PHA. Like a sea-monster, that were to ravish Andromeda from the

rock.

PHI. His hands too great too, by at least a straw's breadth.

PHA. Nay, he has a worse fault than that too.

PHI. A long heel?

PHA. That were a fault in a lady, rather than him: no, they say

he puts off the calves of his legs, with his stockings, every

night.

PHI. Out upon him! Turn to another of the pictures, for love's

sake. What says Argurion? Whom does she commend afore the rest?

CUP. I hope I have instructed her sufficiently for an answer.

[ASIDE.]

MOR. Troth, I made the motion to her ladyship for one to-day,

i'the presence, but it appear'd she was otherways furnished before:

she would none.

PHA. Who was that Argurion?

MOR. Marry, the poor plain gentleman in the black there.

PHA. Who, Crites?

ARG. Ay, ay, he: a fellow that nobody so much as look'd upon, or

regarded; and she would have had me done him particular grace.

PHA. That was a true trick of yourself, Moria, to persuade

Argurion to affect the scholar.

ARG. Tut, but she shall be no chooser for me. In good faith, I

like the citizen's son there, Asotus; methinks none of them all

come near him.

PHA. Not Hedon?

ARG. Hedon! In troth no. Hedon's a pretty slight courtier, and he

wears his clothes well, and sometimes in fashion; marry, his face

is but indifferent, and he has no such excellent body. No, the

other is a most delicate youth; a sweet face, a straight body, a

well-proportion'd leg and foot, a white hand, a tender voice.

PHI. How now, Argurion!

PHA. O, you should have let her alone, she was bestowing a copy of

him upon us. Such a nose were enough to make me love a man, now.

PHI. And then his several colours he wears; wherein he flourisheth

changeably, every day.

PHA. O, but his short hair, and his narrow eyes!

PHI. Why she doats more palpably upon him than ever his father did

upon her.

PHA. Believe me, the young gentleman deserves it. If she could

doat more, 'twere not amiss. He is an exceeding proper youth, and

would have made a most neat barber surgeon, if he had been put to

it in time.

PHI. Say you so? Methinks he looks like a tailor already.

PHA. Ay, that had sayed on one of his customer's suits. His face

is like a squeezed orange, or--

ARG. Well ladies, jest on: the best of you both would be glad of

such a servant.

MOR. Ay, I'll be sworn would they, though he be a little

shame-faced.

PHA. Shame-faced, Moria! out upon him. Your shame-faced servant

is your only gull.

MOR. Go to, beauties, make much of time, and place, and occasion,

and opportunity, and favourites, and things that belong to them,

for I'll ensure you they will all relinquish; they cannot endure

above another year; I know it out of future experience; and

therefore take exhibition, and warning: I was once a reveller

myself, and though I speak it, as mine own trumpet, I was then

esteem'd--

PHI. The very march-pane of the court, I warrant you.

PHA. And all the gallants came about you like flies, did they not?

MOR. Go to, they did somewhat; that's no matter now.

PHA. Nay, good Moria, be not angry. Put case, that we four now

had the grant from Juno, to wish ourselves into what happy estate

we could, what would you wish to be, Moria?

MOR. Who, I! let me see now. I would wish to be a wise woman,

and know all the secrets of court, city, and country. I would know

what were done behind the arras, what upon the stairs, what in the

garden, what in the nymphs' chamber, what by barge, and what by

coach. I would tell you which courtier were scabbed and which not;

which lady had her own face to lie with her a-nights and which not;

who put off their teeth with their clothes in court, who their

hair, who their complexion; and in which box they put it. There

should not a nymph, or a widow, be got with child in the verge, but

I would guess, within one or two, who was the right father, and in

what month it was gotten; with what words, and which way. I would

tell you which madam loved a monsieur, which a player, which a

page; who slept with her husband, who with her friend, who with her

gentleman-usher, who with her horse-keeper, who with her monkey,

and who with all; yes, and who jigg'd the cock too.

PHA. Fie, you'd tell all, Moria! If I should wish now, it should

be to have your tongue out. But what says Philautia? Who should

she be?

PHI. Troth, the very same I am. Only I would wish myself a little

more command and sovereignty; that all the court were subject to my

absolute beck, and all things in it depending on my look; as if

there were no other heaven but in my smile, nor other hell but in

my frown; that I might send for any man I list, and have his head

cut off when I have done with him, or made an eunuch if he denied

me; and if I saw a better face than mine own, I might have my

doctor to poison it. What would you wish, Phantaste?

PHA. Faith, I cannot readily tell you what: but methinks I should

wish myself all manner of creatures. Now I would be an empress,

and by and by a duchess; then a great lady of state, then one of

your miscellany madams, then a waiting-woman, then your citizen's

wife, then a coarse country gentlewoman, then a dairy-maid, then a

shepherd's lass, then an empress again, or the queen of fairies:

and thus I would prove the vicissitudes and whirl of pleasures

about and again. As I were a shepherdess, I would be piped and

sung to; as a dairy-wench, I would dance at maypoles, and make

syllabubs; as a country gentlewoman, keep a good house, and come up

to term to see motions; as a citizen's wife, to be troubled with a

jealous husband, and put to my shifts; others' miseries should be

my pleasures. As a waiting-woman, I would taste my lady's delights

to her; as a miscellany madam, invent new tires, and go visit

courtiers; as a great lady, lie a-bed, and have courtiers visit me;

as a duchess, I would keep my state; and as an empress, I would do

any thing. And, in all these shapes, I would ever be follow'd with

the affections of all that see me. Marry, I myself would affect

none; or if I did, it should not be heartily, but so as I might

save myself in them still, and take pride in tormenting the poor

wretches. Or, now I think on't, I would, for one year, wish myself

one woman; but the richest, fairest, and delicatest in a kingdom,

the very centre of wealth and beauty, wherein all lines of love

should meet; and in that person I would prove all manner of

suitors, of all humours, and of all complexions, and never have any

two of a sort. I would see how love, by the power of his object,

could work inwardly alike, in a choleric man and a sanguine, in a

melancholic and a phlegmatic, in a fool and a wise man, in a clown

and a courtier, in a valiant man and a coward; and how he could

vary outward, by letting this gallant express himself in dumb gaze;

another with sighing and rubbing his fingers; a third with

play-ends and pitiful verses; a fourth, with stabbing himself, and

drinking healths, or writing languishing letters in his blood; a

fifth, in colour'd ribands and good clothes; with this lord to

smile, and that lord to court, and the t'other lord to dote, and

one lord to hang himself. And, then, I to have a book made of all

this, which I would call the "Book of Humours," and every night

read a little piece ere I slept, and laugh at it.--Here comes

Hedon.

ENTER HEDON, ANAIDES, AND MERCURY, WHO RETIRES WITH CUPID TO THE

BACK OF THE STAGE, WHERE THEY CONVERSE TOGETHER.

HED. Save you sweet and clear beauties! By the spirit that moves

in me, you are all most pleasingly bestow'd, ladies. Only I can

take it for no good omen, to find mine Honour so dejected.

PHI. You need not fear, sir; I did of purpose humble myself

against your coming, to decline the pride of my Ambition.

HED. Fair Honour, Ambition dares not stoop; but if it be your

sweet pleasure, I shall lose that title, I will, as I am Hedon,

apply myself to your bounties.

PHI. That were the next way to dis-title myself of honour. O, no,

rather be still Ambitious, I pray you.

HED. I will be any thing that you please, whilst it pleaseth you

to be yourself, lady. Sweet Phantaste, dear Moria, most beautiful

Argurion--

ANA. Farewell, Hedon.

HED. Anaides, stay, whither go you?

ANA. 'Slight, what should I do here? an you engross them all for

your own use, 'tis time for me to seek out.

HED. I engross them! Away, mischief; this is one of your

extravagant jests now, because I began to salute them by their

names.

ANA. Faith, you might have spared us madam Prudence, the guardian

there, though you had more covetously aim'd at the rest.

HED. 'Sheart, take them all, man: what speak you to me of aiming

or covetous?

ANA. Ay, say you so! nay, then, have at them: Ladies, here's one

hath distinguish'd you by your names already: It shall only become

me to ask how you do.

HED. Ods so, was this the design you travail'd with?

PHA. Who answers the brazen head? it spoke to somebody.

ANA. Lady Wisdom, do you interpret for these puppets?

MOR. In truth, and sadness, honours, you are in great offence for

this. Go to; the gentleman (I'll undertake with him) is a man of

fair living, and able to maintain a lady in her two coaches a day,

besides pages, monkeys, and paraquettoes, with such attendants as

she shall think meet for her turn; and therefore there is more

respect requirable, howso'er you seem to connive. Hark you, sir,

let me discourse a syllable with you. I am to say to you, these

ladies are not of that close and open behaviour as haply you may

suspend; their carriage is well known to be such as it should be,

both gentle and extraordinary.

MER. O, here comes the other pair.

ENTER AMORPHUS AND ASOTUS.

AMO. That was your father's love, the nymph Argurion. I would

have you direct all your courtship thither; if you could but endear

yourself to her affection, you were eternally engallanted.

ASO. In truth, sir! pray Phoebus I prove favoursome in her fair

eyes.

AMO. All divine mixture, and increase of beauty to this bright

bevy of ladies; and to the male courtiers, compliment and courtesy.

HED. In the behalf of the males, I gratify you, Amorphus.

PHA. And I of the females.

AMO. Succinctly return'd. I do vail to both your thanks, and kiss

them; but primarily to yours, most ingenious, acute, and polite

lady.

PHI. Ods my life, how he does all-to-bequalify her! "ingenious,

acute", and "polite!" as if there was not others in place as

ingenious, acute, and polite as she.

HED Yes, but you must know, lady, he cannot speak out of a

dictionary method.

PHA. Sit down, sweet Amorphus. When will this water come, think

you?

AMO. It cannot now be long, fair lady.

CUP. Now observe, Mercury.

ASO. How, most ambiguous beauty! love you? that I will, by this

handkerchief.

MER. 'Slid, he draws his oaths out of his pocket.

ARG. But will you be constant?

ASO. Constant, madam! I will not say for constantness; but by

this purse, which I would be loth to swear by, unless it were

embroidered, I protest, more than most fair lady, you are the only

absolute, and unparallel'd creature, I do adore, and admire, and

respect, and reverence in this court, corner of the world, or

kingdom. Methinks you are melancholy.

ARG. Does your heart speak all this?

ASO. Say you?

MER. O, he is groping for another oath.

ASO. Now by this watch--I marle how forward the day is--I do

unfeignedly avow myself--'slight, 'tis deeper than I took it, past

five--yours entirely addicted, madam.

ARG. I require no more, dearest Asotus; henceforth let me call you

mine, and in remembrance of me, vouchsafe to wear this chain and

this diamond.

ASO. O lord, sweet lady!

CUP. There are new oaths for him. What! doth Hermes taste no

alteration in all this?

MER. Yes, thou hast strook Argurion enamour'd on Asotus, methinks.

CUP. Alas, no; I am nobody, I; I can do nothing in this disguise.

MER. But thou hast not wounded any of the rest, Cupid.

CUP. Not yet; it is enough that I have begun so prosperously.

ARG. Nay, these are nothing to the gems I will hourly bestow upon

thee; be but faithful and kind to me, and I will lade thee with my

richest bounties: behold, here my bracelets from mine arms.

ASO. Not so, good lady, by this diamond.

ARG. Take 'em, wear 'em; my jewels, chain of pearl pendants, all I

have.

ASO. Nay then, by this pearl you make me a wanton.

CUP. Shall not she answer for this, to maintain him thus in

swearing?

MER. O no, there is a way to wean him from this, the gentleman may

be reclaim'd.

CUP. Ay, if you had the airing of his apparel, coz, I think.

ASO. Loving! 'twere pity an I should be living else, believe me.

Save you, sir, save you, sweet lady, save you, monsieur Anaides,

save you, dear madam.

ANA. Dost thou know him that saluted thee, Hedon?

HED. No, some idle Fungoso, that hath got above the cupboard since

yesterday.

ANA. 'Slud, I never saw him till this morning, and he salutes me

as familiarly as if we had known together since the deluge, or the

first year of Troy action.

AMO. A most right-handed and auspicious encounter. Confine

yourself to your fortunes.

PHI. For sport's sake let's have some Riddles or Purposes, ho!

PHA. No, faith, your Prophecies are best, the t'other are stale.

PHI. Prophecies! we cannot all sit in at them; we shall make a

confusion. No; what call'd you that we had in the forenoon?

PHA. Substantives, and adjectives, is it not, Hedon?

PHI. Ay that. Who begins?

PHA. I have thought; speak your adjectives, sirs.

PHI. But do not you change then.

PHA. Not I. Who says?

MOR. Odoriferous.

PHI. Popular.

ARG. Humble.

ANA. White-liver'd.

HED. Barbarous.

AMO. Pythagorical.

HED. Yours, signior.

ASO. What must I do, sir?

AMO. Give forth your adjective with the rest; as prosperous, good,

fair, sweet, well--

HED. Anything that hath not been spoken.

ASO. Yes, sir, well-spoken shall be mine.

PHA. What, have you all done?

ALL. Ay.

PHA. Then the substantive is Breeches. Why "odoriferous"

breeches, guardian?

MOR. Odoriferous,--because odoriferous: that which contains most

variety of savour and smell we say is most odoriferous; now

breeches, I presume, are incident to that variety, and therefore

odoriferous breeches.

PHA. Well, we must take it howsoever. Who's next? Philautia?

PHI. Popular.

PHA. Why "popular" breeches?

PHA. Marry, that is, when they are not content to be generally

noted in court, but will press forth on common stages and brokers'

stalls, to the public view of the world.

PHA. Good. Why "humble" breeches, Argurion?

ARG. Humble! because they use to be sat upon; besides, if you tie

them not up, their property is to fall down about your heels.

MER. She has worn the breeches, it seems, which have done so.

PHA. But why "white-liver'd?"

ANA. Why! are not their linings white? Besides, when they come

in swaggering company, and will pocket up any thing, may they not

properly be said to be white-liver'd?

PHA. O yes, we must not deny it. And why "barbarous," Hedon?

HED. Barbarous! because commonly, when you have worn your

breeches sufficiently, you give them to your barber.

AMO. That's good; but how "Pythagorical?"

PHI. Ay, Amorphus, why Pythagorical breeches?

AMO. O most kindly of all; 'tis a conceit of that fortune, I am

bold to hug my brain for.

PHA. How is it, exquisite Amorphus?

AMO. O, I am rapt with it, 'tis so fit, so proper, so happy--

PHI. Nay, do not rack us thus.

AMO. I never truly relish'd myself before. Give me your ears.

Breeches Pythagorical, by reason of their transmigration into

several shapes.

MOR. Most rare, in sweet troth. Marry this young gentleman, for

his well-spoken--

PHA. Ay, why "well-spoken" breeches?

ASO. Well-spoken! Marry, well-spoken, because--whatsoever they

speak is well-taken; and whatsoever is well-taken is well-spoken.

MOR. Excellent! believe me.

ASO. Not so, ladies, neither.

HED. But why breeches, now?

PHA. Breeches, "quasi" bear-riches; when a gallant bears all his

riches in his breeches.

AMO. Most fortunately etymologised.

PHA. 'Nay, we have another sport afore this, of A thing done, and

who did it, etc.

PHI. Ay, good Phantaste, let's have that: distribute the places.

PHA. Why, I imagine, A thing done; Hedon thinks, who did it;

Moria, with what it was done; Anaides, where it was done; Argurion,

when it was done; Amorphus, for what cause was it done; you,

Philautia, what followed upon the doing of it; and this gentleman,

who would have done it better. What? is it conceived about?

ALL. Yes, yes.

PHA. Then speak you, sir. "Who would have done it better?"

ASO. How! does it begin at me?

PHA. Yes, sir: this play is called the Crab, it goes backward.

ASO. May I not name myself?

PHI. If you please, sir, and dare abide the venture of it.

ASO. Then I would have done it better, whatever it is.

PHA. No doubt on't, sir: a good confidence. "What followed upon

the act," Philautia?

PHI. A few heat drops, and a month's mirth.

PHA. "For what cause," Amorphus?

AMO. For the delight of ladies.

PHA. "When," Argurion?

ARG. Last progress.

PHA. "Where," Anaides?

ANA. Why, in a pair of pain'd slops.

PHA. "With what," Moria?

MOR. With a glyster.

PHA. "Who," Hedon?

HED. A traveller.

PHA. Then the thing done was, "An oration was made." Rehearse.

An oration was made--

HED. By a traveller--

MOR. With a glyster--

ANA. In a pair of pain'd slops--

ARG. Last progress--

AMO. For the delight of ladies--

PHI. A few heat drops, and a month's mirth followed.

PHA. And, this silent gentleman would have done it better.

ASO. This was not so good, now.

PHI. In good faith, these unhappy pages would be whipp'd for

staying thus.

MOR. Beshrew my hand and my heart else.

AMO. I do wonder at their protraction.

ANA. Pray Venus my whore have not discover'd herself to the

rascally boys, and that be the cause of their stay.

ASO. I must suit myself with another page: this idle Prosaites

will never be brought to wait well.

MOR. Sir, I have a kinsman I could willingly wish to your service,

if you will deign to accept of him.

ASO. And I shall be glad, most sweet lady, to embrace him: Where

is he?

MOR. I can fetch him, sir, but I would be loth to make you turn

away your other page.

ASO. You shall not most sufficient lady; I will keep both: pray

you let's go see him.

ARG. Whither goes my love?

ASO. I'll return presently, I go but to see a page with this lady.

[EXEUNT ASOTUS AND MORIA.]

ANA. As sure as fate, 'tis so: she has opened all: a pox of all

cockatrices! D--n me, if she have play'd loose with me, I'll cut

her throat within a hair's breadth, so it may be heal'd again.

MER. What, is he jealous of his hermaphrodite?

CUP. O, ay, this will be excellent sport.

PHI. Phantaste, Argurion! what, you are suddenly struck, methinks!

For love's sake let's have some music till they come: Ambition,

reach the lyra, I pray you.

HED. Anything to which my Honour shall direct me.

PHI. Come Amorphus, cheer up Phantaste.

AMO. It shall be my pride, fair lady, to attempt all that is in my

power. But here is an instrument that alone is able to infuse soul

into the most melancholic and dull-disposed creature upon earth.

O, let me kiss thy fair knees. Beauteous ears attend it.

HED. Will you have "the Kiss" Honour?

PHI. Ay, good Ambition.

HEDON SINGS.

O, that joy so soon should waste!

Or so sweet a bliss

As a kiss

Might not for ever last!

So sugar'd, so melting, so soft, so delicious,

The dew that lies on roses,

When the morn herself discloses,

Is not so precious.

O rather than I would it smother,

Were I to taste such another;

It should be my wishing

That I might die with kissing.

HED. I made this ditty, and the note to it, upon a kiss that my

Honour gave me; how like you it, sir?

AMO. A pretty air; in general, I like it well: but in particular,

your long die-note did arride me most, but it was somewhat too

long. I can show one almost of the same nature, but much before

it, and not so long, in a composition of mine own. I think I have

both the note and ditty about me.

HED. Pray you, sir, see.

AMO. Yes, there is the note; and all the parts, if I misthink not.

I will read the ditty to your beauties here; but first I am to

make you familiar with the occasion, which presents itself thus.

Upon a time, going to take my leave of the emperor, and kiss his

great hands, there being then present the kings of France and

Arragon, the dukes of Savoy, Florence, Orleans, Bourbon, Brunswick,

the Landgrave, Count Palatine; all which had severally feasted me;

besides infinite more of inferior persons, as counts and others: it

was my chance (the emperor detained by some exorbitant affair) to

wait him the fifth part of an hour, or much near it. In which

time, retiring myself into a bay-window, the beauteous lady

Annabel, niece to the empress, and sister to the king of Arragon,

who having never before eyed me, but only heard the common report

of my virtue, learning, and travel, fell into that extremity of

passion for my love, that she there immediately swooned:

physicians were sent for, she had to her chamber, so to her bed;

where, languishing some few days, after many times calling upon me,

with my name in her lips, she expired. As that (I must mourningly

say) is the only fault of my fortune, that, as it hath ever been my

hap to be sued to, by all ladies and beauties, where I have come;

so I never yet sojourn'd or rested in that place or part of the

world, where some high-born, admirable, fair feature died not for

my love.

MER. O, the sweet power of travel!--Are you guilty of this,

Cupid?

CUP. No, Mercury; and that his page Cos knows, if he were here

present to be sworn.

PHI. But how doth this draw on the ditty, sir?

MER. O, she is too quick with him; he hath not devised that yet.

AMO. Marry, some hour before she departed, she bequeath'd to me

this glove: which golden legacy, the emperor himself took care to

send after me, in six coaches, cover'd all with black-velvet,

attended by the state of his empire; all which he freely presented

me with: and I reciprocally (out of the same bounty) gave to the

lords that brought it: only reserving the gift of the deceased

lady, upon which I composed this ode, and set it to my most

affected instrument, the lyra.

Thou more then most sweet glove,

Unto my more sweet love,

Suffer me to store with kisses

This empty lodging, that now misses

The pure rosy hand, that wear thee,

Whiter than the kid that bare thee:

Thou art soft, but that was softer;

Cupid's self hath kiss'd it ofter

Than e'er he did his mother's doves.

Supposing her the queen of loves

That was thy mistress, BEST OF GLOVES.

MER. Blasphemy, blasphemy, Cupid!

CUP. I'll revenge it time enough, Hermes.

PHI. Good Amorphus, let's hear it sung.

AMO. I care not to admit that, since it pleaseth Philautia to

request it.

HED. Here, sir.

AMO. Nay, play it, I pray you; you do well, you do well.

[HE SINGS IT.]--How like you it, sir?

HED. Very well, in troth.

AMO. But very well! O, you are a mere mammothrept in judgment,

then. Why, do not observe how excellently the ditty is affected in

every place? that I do not marry a word of short quantity to a

long note? nor an ascending syllable to a descending tone?

Besides, upon the word "best" there, you see how I do enter with an

odd minum, and drive it through the brief; which no intelligent

musician, I know, but will affirm to be very rare, extraordinary,

and pleasing.

MER. And yet not fit to lament the death of a lady, for all this.

CUP. Tut, here be they will swallow anything.

PHA. Pray you, let me have a copy of it, Amorphus.

PHI. And me too; in troth I like it exceedingly.

AMO. I have denied it to princes; nevertheless to you, the true

female twins of perfection, I am won to depart withal.

HED. I hope, I shall have my Honour's copy.

PHA. You are Ambitious in that, Hedon.

RE-ENTER ANAIDES.

AMO. How now, Anaides! what is it hath conjured up this

distemperature in the circle of your face?

ANA. Why, what have you to do? A pox upon your filthy travelling

face! hold your tongue.

HED. Nay, dost hear, Mischief?

ANA. Away, musk-cat!

AMO. I say to thee thou art rude, debauch'd, impudent, coarse,

unpolish'd, a frapler, and base.

HED. Heart of my father, what a strange alteration has half a

year's haunting of ordinaries wrought in this fellow! that came

with a tufftaffata jerkin to town but the other day, and a pair of

pennyless hose, and now he is turn'd Hercules, he wants but a club.

ANA. Sir, you with the pencil on your chin; I will garter my hose

with your guts, and that shall be all. [EXIT.]

MER. 'Slid, what rare fireworks be here? flash, flash.

PHA. What is the matter Hedon? can you tell?

HED. Nothing, but that he lacks crowns, and thinks we'll lend him

some to be friends.

RE-ENTER ASOTUS AND MORIA, WITH MORUS.

ASO. Come sweet lady, in good truth I'll have it, you shall not

deny me. Morus, persuade your aunt I may have her picture, by any

means.

MORUS. Yea, sir: good aunt now, let him have it; he will use me

the better; if you love me do, good aunt.

MOR. Well, tell him he shall have it.

MORUS. Master, you shall have it, she says.

ASO. Shall I? thank her, good page.

CUP. What, has he entertained the fool?

MER. Ay, he'll wait close, you shall see, though the beggar hang

off a while.

MORUS. Aunt, my master thanks you.

MOR. Call him hither.

MORUS. Yes; master.

MOR. Yes, in verity, and gave me this purse, and he has promised

me a most fine dog; which he will have drawn with my picture, he

says: and desires most vehemently to be known to your ladyships.

PHA. Call him hither, 'tis good groping such a gull.

MORUS. Master Asotus, master Asotus!

ASO. For love's sake, let me go: you see I am call'd to the

ladies.

ARG. Wilt thou forsake me, then?

ASO. Od so! what would you have me do?

MOR. Come hither, master Asotus.--I do ensure your ladyships, he

is a gentleman of a very worthy desert: and of a most bountiful

nature.--You must shew and insinuate yourself responsible, and

equivalent now to my commendment.--Good honours grace him.

ASO. I protest, more then most fair ladies, "I do wish all variety

of divine pleasures, choice sports, sweet music, rich fare, brave

attire, soft beds, and silken thoughts, attend these fair

beauties". Will it please your ladyship to wear this chain of

pearl, and this diamond, for my sake?

ARG. O!

ASO. And you, madam, this jewel and pendants?

ARG. O!

PHA. We know not how to deserve these bounties, out of so slight

merit, Asotus.

PHI. No, in faith, but there's my glove for a favour.

PHA. And soon after the revels, I will bestow a garter on you.

ASO. O lord, ladies! it is more grace than ever I could have

hoped, but that it pleaseth your ladyships to extend. I protest

it is enough, that you but take knowledge of my--if your

ladyships want embroidered gowns, tires of any fashion, rebatues,

jewels, or carcanets, any thing whatsoever, if you vouchsafe to

accept--

CUP. And for it they will help you to shoe-ties, and devices.

ASO. I cannot utter myself, dear beauties, but; you can conceive--

ARG. O!

PHA. Sir, we will acknowledge your service, doubt not--

henceforth, you shall be no more Asotus to us, but our goldfinch,

and we your cages.

ASO. O Venus! madams! how shall I deserve this? if I were but

made acquainted with Hedon, now,--I'll try: pray you, away.

[TO ARGURION.]

MER. How he prays money to go away from him.

ASO. Amorphus, a word with you; here's a watch I would bestow upon

you, pray you make me known to that gallant.

AMO. That I will, sir.--Monsieur Hedon, I must entreat you to

exchange knowledge with this gentleman.

HED. 'Tis a thing, next to the water, we expect, I thirst after,

sir. Good monsieur Asotus.

ASO. Good monsieur Hedon, I would be glad to be loved of men of

your rank and spirit, I protest. Please you to accept this pair of

bracelets, sir; they are not worth the bestowing--

MER. O Hercules, how the gentleman purchases, this must needs

bring Argurion to a consumption.

HED. Sir, I shall never stand in the merit of such bounty, I fear.

ASO. O Venus, sir; your acquaintance shall be sufficient. And if

at any time you need my bill, or my bond--

ARG. O! O! [SWOONS.]

AMO. Help the lady there!

MOR. Gods-dear, Argurion! madam, how do you?

ARG. Sick.

PHA. Have her forth, and give her air.

ASO. I come again straight, ladies.

[EXEUNT ASOTUS, MORUS, AND ARGURION.]

MER. Well, I doubt all the physic he has will scarce recover her;

she's too far spent.

RE-ENTER ANAIDES WITH GELAIA, PROSAITES, AND COS, WITH THE BOTTLES.

PHI. O here's the water come; fetch glasses, page.

GEL. Heart of my body, here's a coil, indeed, with your jealous

humours! nothing but whore and bitch, and all the villainous

swaggering names you can think on! 'Slid, take your bottle, and put

it in your guts for me, I'll see you pox'd ere I follow you any

longer.

ANA. Nay, good punk, sweet rascal; d--n me, if I am jealous now.

GEL. That's true, indeed, pray let's go.

MOR. What's the matter there?

GEL. 'Slight, he has me upon interrogatories, (nay, my mother

shall know how you use me,) where I have been? and why I should

stay so long? and how is't possible? and withal calls me at his

pleasure I know not how many cockatrices, and things.

MOR. In truth and sadness, these are no good epitaphs Anaides, to

bestow upon any gentlewoman; and I'll ensure you if I had known you

would have dealt thus with my daughter, she should never have

fancied you so deeply as she has done. Go to.

ANA. Why, do you hear, mother Moria? heart!

MOR. Nay, I pray you, sir, do not swear.

ANA. Swear! why? 'sblood, I have sworn afore now, I hope. Both

you and your daughter mistake me. I have not honour'd Arete, that

is held the worthiest lady in the court, next to Cynthia, with half

that observance and respect, as I have done her in private,

howsoever outwardly I have carried myself careless, and negligent.

Come, you are a foolish punk, and know not when you are well

employed. Kiss me, come on; do it, I say.

MOR. Nay, indeed, I must confess, she is apt to misprision. But I

must have you leave it, minion.

RE-ENTER ASOTUS.

AMO. How now, Asotus! how does the lady?

ASO. Faith, ill. I have left my page with her, at her lodging.

HED. O, here's the rarest water that ever was tasted: fill him

some.

PRO. What! has my master a new page?

MER. Yes, a kinsman of the lady Moria's: you must wait better

now, or you are cashiered, Prosaites.

ANA. Come, gallants; you must pardon my foolish humour; when I am

angry, that any thing crosses me, I grow impatient straight. Here,

I drink to you.

PHI. O, that we had five or six bottles more of this liquor!

PHA. Now I commend your judgment, Amorphus:--

[KNOCKING WITHIN.]

Who's that knocks? look, page. [EXIT COS.]

MOR. O, most delicious; a little of this would make Argurion well.

PHA. O, no, give her no cold drink, by any means.

ANA. 'Sblood, this water is the spirit of wine, I'll be hang'd

else.

RE-ENTER COS WITH ARETE.

COS. Here's the lady Arete, madam.

ARE. What, at your bever, gallants?

MOR. Will't please your ladyship to drink? 'tis of the New

Fountain water.

ARE. Not I, Moria, I thank you.--Gallants, you are for this

night free to your peculiar delights; Cynthia will have no sports:

when she is pleased to come forth, you shall have knowledge. In

the mean time, I could wish you did provide for solemn revels, and

some unlooked for device of wit, to entertain her, against she

should vouchsafe to grace your pastimes with her presence.

AMO. What say you to a masque?

HED. Nothing better, if the project were new and rare.

ARE. Why, I'll send for Crites, and have his advice: be you ready

in your endeavours: he shall discharge you of the inventive part.

PHA. But will not your ladyship stay?

ARE. Not now, Phantaste. [EXIT.]

PHI. Let her go, I pray you, good lady Sobriety, I am glad we are

rid of her.

PHA. What a set face the gentlewoman has, as she were still going

to a sacrifice!

PHI. O, she is the extraction of a dozen of Puritans, for a look.

MOR. Of all nymphs i' the court, I cannot away with her; 'tis the

coarsest thing!

PHI. I wonder how Cynthia can affect her so above the rest. Here

be they are every way as fair as she, and a thought, fairer, I

trow.

PHA. Ay, and as ingenious and conceited as she.

MOR. Ay, and as politic as she, for all she sets such a forehead

on't.

PHI. Would I were dead, if I would change to be Cynthia.

PHA. Or I.

MOR. Or I.

AMO. And there's her minion, Crites: why his advice more than

Amorphus? Have I not invention afore him? Learning to better

that invention above him? and infanted with pleasant travel--

ANA. Death, what talk you of his learning? he understands no more

than a schoolboy; I have put him down myself a thousand times, by

this air, and yet I never talk'd with him but twice in my life:

you never saw his like. I could never get him to argue with me but

once; and then because I could not construe an author I quoted at

first sight, he went away, and laughed at me. By Hercules, I scorn

him, as I do the sodden nymph that was here even now; his mistress,

Arete: and I love myself for nothing else.

HED. I wonder the fellow does not hang himself, being thus

scorn'd and contemn'd of us that are held the most accomplish'd

society of gallants.

MER. By yourselves, none else.

HED. I protest, if I had no music in me, no courtship; that I were

not a reveller and could dance, or had not those excellent

qualities that give a man life and perfection, but a mere poor

scholar as he is, I think I should make some desperate way with

myself; whereas now,--would I might never breathe more, if I do

know that creature in this kingdom with whom I would change.

CUP. This is excellent! Well, I must alter all this soon.

MER. Look you do, Cupid. The bottles have wrought, it seems.

ASO. O, I am sorry the revels are crost. I should have tickled it

soon. I did never appear till then. 'Slid, I am the neatliest-made

gallant i' the company, and have the best presence; and my dancing

--well, I know what our usher said to me last time I was at the

school: Would I might have led Philautia in the measures, an it

had been the gods' will! I am most worthy, I am sure.

RE-ENTER MORUS.

MORUS. Master, I can tell you news; the Lady kissed me yonder, and

played with me, and says she loved you once as well as she does me,

but that you cast her off.

ASO. Peace, my most esteemed page.

MORUS. Yes.

ASO. What luck is this, that our revels are dash'd, now was I

beginning to glister in the very highway of preferment. An Cynthia

had but seen me dance a strain, or do but one trick, I had been

kept in court, I should never have needed to look towards my

friends again.

AMO. Contain yourself, you were a fortunate young man, if you knew

your own good; which I have now projected, and will presently

multiply upon you. Beauties and valours, your vouchsafed applause

to a motion. The humorous Cynthia hath, for this night, withdrawn

the light of your delight.

PHA. 'Tis true, Amorphus: what may we do to redeem it?

AMO. Redeem that we cannot, but to create a new flame is in our

power. Here is a gentleman, my scholar, whom, for some private

reasons me specially moving, I am covetous to gratify with title of

master in the noble and subtile science of courtship: for which

grace, he shall this night, in court, and in the long gallery, hold

his public act, by open challenge, to all masters of the mystery

whatsoever, to play at the four choice and principal weapons

thereof, viz., "the Bare Accost, the Better Regard, the Solemn

Address," and "the Perfect Close." What say you?

ALL. Excellent, excellent, Amorphus.

AMO. Well, let us then take our time by the forehead: I will

instantly have bills drawn, and advanced in every angle of the

court.--Sir, betray not your too much joy.--Anaides, we must

mix this gentleman with you in acquaintance, monsieur Asotus.

ANA. I am easily entreated to grace any of your friends, Amorphus.

ASO. Sir, and his friends shall likewise grace you, sir. Nay, I

begin to know myself now.

AMO. O, you must continue your bounties.

ASO. Must I? Why, I'll give him this ruby on my finger. Do you

hear sir? I do heartily wish your acquaintance, and I partly know

myself worthy of it; please you, sir, to accept this poor ruby in a

ring, sir. The poesy is of my own device, "Let this blush for me,"

sir.

ANA. So it must for me too, for I am not asham'd to take it.

MORUS. Sweet man! By my troth, master, I love you; will you love

me too, for my aunt's sake? I'll wait well, you shall see. I'll

still be here. Would I might never stir, but you are a fine man in

these clothes; master, shall I have them when you have done with

them?

ASO. As for that, Morus, thou shalt see more hereafter; in the

mean time, by this air, or by this feather, I'll do as much for

thee, as any gallant shall do for his page, whatsoever, in this

court, corner of the world, or kingdom.

[EXEUNT ALL BUT THE PAGES.]

MER. I wonder this gentleman should affect to keep a fool:

methinks he makes sport enough with himself.

CUP. Well, Prosaites, 'twere good you did wait closer.

PRO. Ay, I'll look to it; 'tis time.

COS. The revels would have been most sumptuous to-night, if they

had gone forward. [EXIT.]

MER. They must needs, when all the choicest singularities of the

court were up in pantofles; ne'er a one of them but was able to

make a whole show of itself.

ASO. [WITHIN.] Sirrah, a torch, a torch!

PRO. O, what a call is there! I will have a canzonet made, with

nothing in it but sirrah; and the burthen shall be, I come.

[EXIT.]

MER. How now, Cupid, how do you like this change?

CUP. Faith, the thread of my device is crack'd, I may go sleep

till the revelling music awake me.

MER. And then, too, Cupid, without you had prevented the fountain.

Alas, poor god, that remembers not self-love to be proof against

the violence of his quiver! Well, I have a plot against these

prizers, for which I must presently find out Crites, and with his

assistance pursue it to a high strain of laughter, or Mercury hath

lost of his metal.

[EXEUNT.]

ACT V

SCENE I.--THE SAME.

ENTER MERCURY AND CRITES.

MER. It is resolved on, Crites, you must do it.

CRI. The grace divinest Mercury hath done me,

In this vouchsafed discovery of himself,

Binds my observance in the utmost term

Of satisfaction to his godly will:

Though I profess, without the affectation

Of an enforced and form'd austerity,

I could be willing to enjoy no place

With so unequal natures.

MER. We believe it.

But for our sake, and to inflict just pains

On their prodigious follies, aid us now:

No man is presently made bad with ill.

And good men, like the sea, should still maintain

Their noble taste, in midst of all fresh humours

That flow about them, to corrupt their streams,

Bearing no season, much less salt of goodness.

It is our purpose, Crites, to correct,

And punish, with our laughter, this night's sport,

Which our court-dors so heartily intend:

And by that worthy scorn, to make them know

How far beneath the dignity of man

Their serious and most practised actions are.

CRI. Ay, but though Mercury can warrant out

His undertakings, and make all things good,

Out of the powers of his divinity,

Th' offence will be return'd with weight on me,

That am a creature so despised and poor;

When the whole court shall take itself abused

By our ironical confederacy.

MER. You are deceived. The better race in court,

That have the true nobility call'd virtue,

Will apprehend it, as a grateful right

Done to their separate merit; and approve

The fit rebuke of so ridiculous heads,

Who, with their apish customs and forced garbs,

Would bring the name of courtier in contempt,

Did it not live unblemish'd in some few,

Whom equal Jove hath loved, and Phoebus form'd

Of better metal, and in better mould.

CRI. Well, since my leader-on is Mercury,

I shall not fear to follow. If I fall,

My proper virtue shall be my relief,

That follow'd such a cause, and such a chief.

[EXEUNT.]

SCENE II.--ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.

ENTER ASOTUS AND AMORPHUS.

ASO. No more, if you love me, good master; you are incompatible to

live withal: send me for the ladies!

AMO. Nay, but intend me.

ASO. Fear me not; I warrant you, sir.

AMO. Render not yourself a refractory on the sudden. I can allow,

well, you should repute highly, heartily, and to the most, of your

own endowments; it gives you forth to the world the more assured:

but with reservation of an eye, to be always turn'd dutifully back

upon your teacher.

ASO. Nay, good sir, leave it to me. Trust me with trussing all

the points of this action, I pray. 'Slid, I hope we shall find wit

to perform the science as well as another.

AMO. I confess you to be of an apted and docible humour. Yet

there are certain punctilios, or (as I may more nakedly insinuate

them) certain intrinsecate strokes and wards, to which your

activity is not yet amounted, as your gentle dor in colours. For

supposition, your mistress appears here in prize, ribanded with

green and yellow; now, it is the part of every obsequious servant,

to be sure to have daily about him copy and variety of colours, to

be presently answerable to any hourly or half-hourly change in his

mistress's revolution--

ASO. I know it, sir.

AMO. Give leave, I pray you--which, if your antagonist, or

player against you, shall ignorantly be without, and yourself can

produce, you give him the dor.

ASO. Ay, ay, sir.

AMO. Or, if you can possess your opposite, that the green your

mistress wears, is her rejoicing or exultation in his service; the

yellow, suspicion of his truth, from her height of affection: and

that he, greenly credulous, shall withdraw thus, in private, and

from the abundance of his pocket (to displace her jealous conceit)

steal into his hat the colour, whose blueness doth express

trueness, she being not so, nor so affected; you give him the dor.

ASO. Do not I know it, sir?

AMO. Nay, good--swell not above your understanding. There is

yet a third dor in colours.

ASO. I know it too, I know it.

AMO. Do you know it too? what is it? make good your knowledge.

ASO. Why it is--no matter for that.

AMO. Do it, on pain of the dor.

ASO. Why; what is't, say you?

AMO. Lo, you have given yourself the dor. But I will remonstrate

to you the third dor, which is not, as the two former dors,

indicative, but deliberative: as how? as thus. Your rival is,

with a dutiful and serious care, lying in his bed, meditating how

to observe his mistress, dispatcheth his lacquey to the chamber

early, to know what her colours are for the day, with purpose to

apply his wear that day accordingly: you lay wait before,

preoccupy the chamber-maid, corrupt her to return false colours; he

follows the fallacy, comes out accoutred to his believed

instructions; your mistress smiles, and you give him the dor.

ASO. Why, so I told you, sir, I knew it.

AMO. Told me! It is a strange outrecuidance, your humour too much

redoundeth.

ASO. Why, sir, what, do you think you know more?

AMO. I know that a cook may as soon and properly be said to smell

well, as you to be wise. I know these are most clear and clean

strokes. But then, you have your passages and imbrocatas in

courtship; as the bitter bob in wit; the reverse in face or

wry-mouth; and these more subtile and secure offenders. I will

example unto you: Your opponent makes entry as you are engaged

with your mistress. You seeing him, close in her ear with this

whisper, "Here comes your baboon, disgrace him"; and withal

stepping off, fall on his bosom, and turning to her, politely,

aloud say, Lady, regard this noble gentleman, a man rarely parted,

second to none in this court; and then, stooping over his shoulder,

your hand on his breast, your mouth on his backside, you give him

the reverse stroke, with this sanna, or stork's-bill, which makes

up your wit's bob most bitter.

ASO. Nay, for heaven's sake, teach me no more. I know all as well

--'Slid, if I did not, why was I nominated? why did you choose me?

why did the ladies prick out me? I am sure there were other

gallants. But me of all the rest! By that light, and, as I am a

courtier, would I might never stir, but 'tis strange. Would to the

lord the ladies would come once!

ENTER MORPHIDES.

MORP. Signior, the gallants and ladies are at hand. Are you

ready, sir?

AMO. Instantly. Go, accomplish your attire: [EXIT ASOTUS.]

Cousin Morphides, assist me to make good the door with your

officious tyranny.

CITIZEN. [WITHIN.] By your leave, my masters there, pray you

let's come by.

PAGES. [WITHIN.] You by! why should you come by more than we?

CITIZEN'S WIFE. [WITHIN.] Why, sir! because he is my brother

that plays the prizes.

MORP. Your brother!

CITIZEN. [WITHIN.] Ay, her brother, sir, and we must come in.

TAILOR. [WITHIN.] Why, what are you?

CITIZEN. [WITHIN.] I am her husband, sir.

TAILOR. [WITHIN.] Then thrust forward your head.

AMO. What tumult is there?

MORP. Who's there? bear back there! Stand from the door!

AMO. Enter none but the ladies and their hang-byes.--

ENTER PHANTASTE, PHILAUTIA, ARGURION, MORIA, HEDON, AND ANAIDES,

INTRODUCING TWO LADIES.

Welcome beauties, and your kind shadows.

HED. This country lady, my friend, good signior Amorphus.

ANA. And my cockatrice here.

AMO. She is welcome.

THE CITIZEN, AND HIS WIFE, PAGES, ETC., APPEAR AT THE DOOR.

MORP. Knock those same pages there; and, goodman coxcomb the

citizen, who would you speak withal?

WIFE. My brother.

AMO. With whom? your brother!

MORP. Who is your brother?

WIFE. Master Asotus.

AMO. Master Asotus! is he your brother? he is taken up with

great persons; he is not to know you to-night.

RE-ENTER ASOTUS HASTILY.

ASO. O Jove, master! an there come e'er a citizen gentlewoman in

my name, let her have entrance, I pray you: it is my sister.

WIFE. Brother!

CIT. [THRUSTING IN.] Brother, master Asotus!

ASO. Who's there?

WIFE. 'Tis I, brother.

ASO. Gods me, there she is! good master, intrude her.

MORP. Make place! bear back there!

ENTER CITIZEN'S WIFE.

AMO. Knock that simple fellow there.

WIFE. Nay, good sir, it is my husband.

MORP. The simpler fellow he.--Away! back with your head, sir!

[PUSHES THE CITIZEN BACK.]

ASO. Brother, you must pardon your non-entry: husbands are not

allow'd here, in truth. I'll come home soon with my sister: pray

you meet us with a lantern, brother. Be merry, sister: I shall

make you laugh anon. [EXIT.]

PHA. Your prizer is not ready, Amorphus.

AMO. Apprehend your places; he shall be soon, and at all points.

ANA. Is there any body come to answer him? shall we have any

sport?

AMO. Sport of importance; howsoever, give me the gloves.

HED. Gloves! why gloves, signior?

PHI. What's the ceremony?

AMO. [DISTRIBUTING GLOVES.] Beside their received fitness, at all

prizes, they are here properly accommodate to the nuptials of my

scholar's 'haviour to the lady Courtship. Please you apparel your

hands. Madam Phantaste, madam Philautia, guardian, signior Hedon,

signior Anaides, gentlemen all, ladies.

ALL. Thanks, good Amorphus.

AMO. I will now call forth my provost, and present him.

[EXIT.]

ANA. Heart! why should not we be masters as well as he?

HED. That's true, and play our masters' prizes as well as the

t'other?

MOR. In sadness, for using your court-weapons, methinks you may.

PHA. Nay, but why should not we ladies play our prizes, I pray? I

see no reason but we should take them down at their own weapons.

PHI. Troth, and so we may, if we handle them well.

WIFE. Ay, indeed, forsooth, madam, if 'twere in the city, we would

think foul scorn but we would, forsooth.

PHA. Pray you, what should we call your name?

WIFE. My name is Downfall.

HED. Good mistress Downfall! I am sorry your husband could not

get in.

WIFE. 'Tis no matter for him, sir.

ANA. No, no, she has the more liberty for herself.

[A FLOURISH.]

PHA. Peace, peace! they come.

RE-ENTER AMORPHUS, INTRODUCING ASOTUS IN A FULL-DRESS SUIT.

AMO. So, keep up your ruff; the tincture of your neck is not all

so pure, but it will ask it. Maintain your sprig upright; your

cloke on your half-shoulder falling; so: I will read your bill,

advance it, and present you.--Silence!

"Be it known to all that profess courtship, by these presents (from

the white satin reveller, to the cloth of tissue and bodkin) that

we, Ulysses-Polytropus-Amorphus, master of the noble and subtile

science of courtship, do give leave and licence to our provost,

Acolastus-Polypragmon-Asotus, to play his master's prize, against

all masters whatsoever, in this subtile mystery, at these four, the

choice and most cunning weapons of court-compliment, viz. the BARE

ACCOST; the BETTER REGARD; the SOLEMN ADDRESS; and the

PERFECT CLOSE. These are therefore to give notice to all comers,

that he, the said Acolastus-Polypragmon-Asotus, is here present (by

the help of his mercer, tailor, milliner, sempster, and so forth)

at his designed hour, in this fair gallery, the present day of this

present month, to perform and do his uttermost for the achievement

and bearing away of the prizes, which are these: viz. For the

Bare Accost, two wall-eyes in a face forced: for the Better

Regard, a face favourably simpering, with a fan waving: for the

Solemn Address, two lips wagging, and never a wise word: for the

Perfect Close, a wring by the hand, with a banquet in a corner.

And Phoebus save Cynthia!"

Appeareth no man yet, to answer the prizer? no voice?--Music,

give them their summons.

[MUSIC.]

PHA. The solemnity of this is excellent.

AMO. Silence! Well, I perceive your name is their terror, and

keepeth them back.

ASO. I'faith, master, let's go; no body comes. 'Victus, victa,

victum; victi, victae, victi--let's be retrograde.

AMO. Stay. That were dispunct to the ladies. Rather ourself

shall be your encounter. Take your state up to the wall; and,

lady, [LEADING MORIA TO THE STATE.] may we implore you to stand

forth, as first term or bound to our courtship.

HED. 'Fore heaven, 'twill shew rarely.

AMO. Sound a charge. [A CHARGE.]

ANA. A pox on't! Your vulgar will count this fabulous and

impudent now: by that candle, they'll never conceit it.

[THEY ACT THEIR ACCOST SEVERALLY TO MORIA.]

PHA. Excellent well! admirable!

PHI. Peace!

HED. Most fashionably, believe it.

PHI. O, he is a well-spoken gentleman.

PHA. Now the other.

PHI. Very good.

HED. For a scholar, Honour.

ANA. O, 'tis too Dutch. He reels too much. [A FLOURISH.]

HED. This weapon is done.

AMO. No, we have our two bouts at every weapon; expect.

CRI. [WITHIN.] Where be these gallants, and their brave prizer

here?

MORP. Who's there? bear back; keep the door.

ENTER CRITES, INTRODUCING MERCURY FANTASTICALLY DRESSED.

AMO. What are you, sir?

CRI. By your license, grand-master.--Come forward, sir.

[TO MERCURY.]

ANA. Heart! who let in that rag there amongst us? Put him out,

an impecunious creature.

HED. Out with him.

MORP. Come, sir.

AMO. You must be retrograde.

CRI. Soft, sir, I am truchman, and do flourish before this

monsieur, or French-behaved gentleman, here; who is drawn hither by

report of your chartels, advanced in court, to prove his fortune

with your prizer, so he may have fair play shewn him, and the

liberty to choose his stickler.

AMO. Is he a master?

CRI. That, sir, he has to shew here; and confirmed under the hands

of the most skilful and cunning complimentaries alive: Please you

read, sir. [GIVES HIM A CERTIFICATE.]

AMO. What shall we do?

ANA. Death! disgrace this fellow in the black stuff, whatever you

do.

AMO. Why, but he comes with the stranger.

HED. That's no matter: he is our own countryman.

ANA. Ay, and he is a scholar besides. You may disgrace him here

with authority.

AMO. Well, see these first.

ASO. Now shall I be observed by yon scholar, till I sweat again; I

would to Jove it were over.

CRI. [TO MERCURY.] Sir, this is the wight of worth, that dares

you to the encounter. A gentleman of so pleasing and ridiculous a

carriage; as, even standing, carries meat in the mouth, you see;

and, I assure you, although no bred courtling, yet a most

particular man, of goodly havings, well-fashion'd 'haviour, and of

as hardened and excellent a bark as the most naturally qualified

amongst them, inform'd, reform'd, and transform'd, from his

original citycism; by this elixir, or mere magazine of man. And,

for your spectators, you behold them what they are: the most

choice particulars in court: this tells tales well; this provides

coaches; this repeats jests; this presents gifts; this holds up the

arras; this takes down from horse; this protests by this light;

this swears by that candle; this delighteth; this adoreth: yet all

but three men. Then, for your ladies, the most proud, witty

creatures, all things apprehending, nothing understanding,

perpetually laughing, curious maintainers of fools, mercers, and

minstrels, costly to be kept, miserably keeping, all disdaining but

their painter and apothecary, 'twixt whom and them there is this

reciprock commerce, their beauties maintain their painters, and

their painters their beauties.

MER. Sir, you have plaid the painter yourself, and limn'd them to

the life. I desire to deserve before them.

AMO. [RETURNING THE CERTIFICATE.] This is authentic. We must

resolve to entertain the monsieur, howsoever we neglect him.

HED. Come, let's all go together, and salute him.

ANA. Content, and not look on the other.

AMO. Well devised; and a most punishing disgrace.

HED. On.

AMO. Monsieur, we must not so much betray ourselves to

discourtship, as to suffer you to be longer unsaluted: please you

to use the state ordain'd for the opponent; in which nature,

without envy, we receive you.

HED. And embrace you.

ANA. And commend us to you, sir.

PHI. Believe it, he is a man of excellent silence.

PHA. He keeps all his wit for action.

ANA. This hath discountenanced our scholaris, most richly.

HED. Out of all emphasis. The monsieur sees we regard him not.

AMO. Hold on; make it known how bitter a thing it is not to be

look'd on in court.

HED. 'Slud, will he call him to him yet! Does not monsieur

perceive our disgrace?

ANA. Heart! he is a fool, I see. We have done ourselves wrong to

grace him.

HED. 'Slight, what an ass was I to embrace him!

CRI. Illustrious and fearful judges--

HED. Turn away, turn away.

CRI. It is the suit of the strange opponent (to whom you ought not

to turn your tails, and whose noses I must follow) that he may have

the justice, before he encounter his respected adversary, to see

some light stroke of his play, commenced with some other.

HED. Answer not him, but the stranger: we will not believe him.

AMO. I will demand him, myself.

CRI. O dreadful disgrace, if a man were so foolish to feel it.

AMO. Is it your suit, monsieur, to see some prelude of my scholar?

Now, sure the monsieur wants language--

HED. And take upon him to be one of the accomplished! 'Slight,

that's a good jest; would we could take him with that nullity.--

"Non sapete voi parlar' Italiano?"

ANA. 'Sfoot, the carp has no tongue.

CRI. Signior, in courtship, you are to bid your abettors forbear,

and satisfy the monsieur's request.

AMO. Well, I will strike him more silent with admiration, and

terrify his daring hither. He shall behold my own play with my

scholar. Lady, with the touch of your white hand, let me reinstate

you. [LEADS MORIA BACK TO THE STATE.] Provost, [TO ASOTUS.] begin

to me at the "Bare Accost". [A CHARGE.] Now, for the honour of my

discipline.

HED. Signior Amorphus, reflect, reflect; what means he by that

mouthed wave?

CRI. He is in some distaste of your fellow disciple.

MER. Signior, your scholar might have played well still, if he

could have kept his seat longer; I have enough of him, now. He is

a mere piece of glass, I see through him by this time.

AMO. You come not to give us the scorn, monsieur?

MER. Nor to be frighted with a face, signior. I have seen the

lions. You must pardon me. I shall be loth to hazard a reputation

with one that has not a reputation to lose.

AMO. How!

CRI. Meaning your pupil, sir.

ANA. This is that black devil there.

AMO. You do offer a strange affront, monsieur.

CRI. Sir, he shall yield you all the honour of a competent

adversary, if you please to undertake him.

MER. I am prest for the encounter.

AMO. Me! challenge me!

ASO. What, my master, sir! 'Slight, monsieur, meddle with me, do

you hear: but do not meddle with my master.

MER. Peace, good squib, go out.

CRI. And stink, he bids you.

ASO. Master!

AMO. Silence! I do accept him. Sit you down and observe. Me!

he never profest a thing at more charges.--Prepare yourself sir.

--Challenge me! I will prosecute what disgrace my hatred can

dictate to me.

CRI. How tender a traveller's spleen is! Comparison to men that

deserve least, is ever most offensive.

AMO. You are instructed in our chartel, and know our weapons?

MER. I appear not without their notice, sir.

ASO. But must I lose the prizes, master?

AMO. I will win them for you; be patient.--Lady, [TO MORIA.]

vouchsafe the tenure of this ensign.--Who shall be your stickler?

MER. Behold him. [POINTS TO CRITES.]

AMO. I would not wish you a weaker.--Sound, musics.--I provoke

you at the Bare Accost. [A CHARGE.]

PHA. Excellent comely!

CRI. And worthily studied. This is the exalted foretop.

HED. O, his leg was too much produced.

ANA. And his hat was carried scurvily.

PHI. Peace; let's see the monsieur's Accost: Rare!

PHA. Sprightly and short.

ANA. True, it is the French courteau: he lacks but to have his

nose slit.

HED. He does hop. He does bound too much. [A FLOURISH.]

AMO. The second bout, to conclude this weapon. [A CHARGE.]

PHA. Good, believe it!

PHI. An excellent offer!

CRI. This is called the solemn band-string.

HED. Foh, that cringe was not put home.

ANA. He makes a face like a stabb'd Lucrece.

ASO. Well, he would needs take it upon him, but would I had done

it for all this. He makes me sit still here, like a baboon as I

am.

CRI. Making villainous faces.

PHI. See, the French prepares it richly.

CRI. Ay, this is ycleped the Serious Trifle.

ANA. 'Slud, 'tis the horse-start out o' the brown study.

CRI. Rather the bird-eyed stroke, sir. Your observance is too

blunt, sir. [A FLOURISH.]

AMO. Judges, award the prize. Take breath, sir. This bout hath

been laborious.

ASO. And yet your critic, or your besongno, will think these

things foppery, and easy, now!

CRI. Or rather mere lunacy. For would any reasonable creature

make these his serious studies and perfections, much less, only

live to these ends? to be the false pleasure of a few, the true

love of none, and the just laughter of all?

HED. We must prefer the monsieur, we courtiers must be partial.

ANA. Speak, guardian. Name the prize, at the Bare Accost.

MOR. A pair of wall-eyes in a face forced.

ANA. Give the monsieur. Amorphus hath lost his eyes.

AMO. I! Is the palate of your judgment down? Gentles, I do

appeal.

ASO. Yes, master, to me: the judges be fools.

ANA. How now, sir! tie up your tongue, mungrel. He cannot

appeal.

ASO. Say, you sir?

ANA. Sit you still, sir.

ASO. Why, so I do; do not I, I pray you?

MER. Remercie, madame, and these honourable censors.

AMO. Well, to the second weapon, the "Better Regard". I will

encounter you better. Attempt.

HED. Sweet Honour.

PHI. What says my good Ambition?

HED. Which take you at this next weapon? I lay a Discretion with

you on Amorphus's head.

PHI. Why, I take the French-behaved gentleman.

HED. 'Tis done, a Discretion.

CRI. A Discretion! A pretty court-wager! Would any discreet

person hazard his wit so?

PHA. I'll lay a Discretion with you, Anaides.

ANA. Hang 'em, I'll not venture a doit of Discretion on either of

their heads.

CRI. No, he should venture all then.

ANA. I like none of their plays. [A CHARGE.]

HED. See, see! this is strange play!

ANA. 'Tis too full of uncertain motion. He hobbles too much.

CRI. 'Tis call'd your court-staggers, sir.

HED. That same fellow talks so now he has a place!

ANA. Hang him! neglect him.

MER. "Your good ladyship's affectioned."

WIFE. Ods so! they speak at this weapon, brother.

ASO. They must do so, sister; how should it be the Better Regard,

else?

PHA. Methinks he did not this respectively enough.

PHI. Why, the monsieur but dallies with him.

HED. Dallies! 'Slight, see! he'll put him to't in earnest.--

Well done, Amorphus!

ANA. That puff was good indeed.

CRI. Ods me! this is desperate play: he hits himself o' the

shins.

HED. An he make this good through, he carries it, I warrant him.

CRI. Indeed he displays his feet rarely.

HED. See, see! he does the respective leer damnably well.

AMO. "The true idolater of your beauties shall never pass their

deities unadored: I rest your poor knight."

HED. See, now the oblique leer, or the Janus: he satisfies all

with that aspect most nobly. [A FLOURISH.]

Cri. And most terribly he comes off; like your rodomontado.

PHA. How like you this play, Anaides?

ANA. Good play; but 'tis too rough and boisterous.

AMO. I will second it with a stroke easier, wherein I will prove

his language. [A CHARGE.]

ANA. This is filthy, and grave, now.

HED. O, 'tis cool and wary play. We must not disgrace our own

camerade too much.

AMO. "Signora, ho tanto obligo per le favore resciuto da lei; che

veramente desidero con tutto il core, a remunerarla in parte: e

sicurative, signora mea cara, che io sera sempre pronto a servirla,

e honorarla. Bascio le mane de vo' signoria."

CRI. The Venetian dop this.

PHA. Most unexpectedly excellent! The French goes down certain.

ASO. As buckets are put down into a well;

Or as a school-boy--

CRI. Truss up your simile, jack-daw, and observe.

HED. Now the monsieur is moved.

ANA. Bo-peep!

HED. O, most antick.

CRI. The French quirk, this sir.

ANA. Heart, he will over-run her.

MER. "Madamoyselle, Je voudroy que pouvoy monstrer mon affection,

mais je suis tant malhereuse, ci froid, ci layd, ci--Je ne scay

qui de dire--excuse moi, Je suis tout vostre." [A FLOURISH.]

PHI. O brave and spirited! he's a right Jovialist.

PHA. No, no: Amorphus's gravity outweighs it.

CRI. And yet your lady, or your feather, would outweigh both.

ANA. What's the prize, lady, at this Better Regard?

MOR. A face favourably simpering, and a fan waving.

ANA. They have done doubtfully. Divide. Give the favourable face

to the signior, and the light wave to the monsieur.

AMO. You become the simper well, lady.

MER. And the wag better.

AMO. Now, to our "Solemn Address." Please the well-graced

Philautia to relieve the lady sentinel; she hath stood long.

PHI. With all my heart; come, guardian, resign your place.

[MORIA COMES FROM THE STATE.]

AMO. Monsieur, furnish yourself with what solemnity of ornament

you think fit for this third weapon; at which you are to shew all

the cunning of stroke your devotion can possibly devise.

MER. Let me alone, sir. I'll sufficiently decipher your amorous

solemnities.--Crites, have patience. See, if I hit not all their

practic observance, with which they lime twigs to catch their

fantastic lady-birds.

CRI. Ay, but you should do more charitably to do it more openly,

that they might discover themselves mock'd in these monstrous

affections. [A CHARGE.]

MER. Lackey, where's the tailor?

ENTER TAILOR, BARBER, PERFUMER, MILLINER, JEWELLER, AND

FEATHER-MAKER.

TAI. Here, sir.

HED. See, they have their tailor, barber, perfumer, milliner,

jeweller, feather-maker, all in common!

[THEY MAKE THEMSELVES READY ON THE STAGE.]

ANA. Ay, this is pretty.

AMO. Here is a hair too much, take it off. Where are thy mullets?

MER. Is this pink of equal proportion to this cut, standing off

this distance from it?

TAI. That it is, sir.

MER. Is it so, sir? You impudent poltroon, you slave, you list,

you shreds, you--[BEATS THE TAILOR.]

HED. Excellent! This was the best yet.

ANA. Why, we must use our tailors thus: this is our true

magnanimity.

MER. Come, go to, put on; we must bear with you for the times'

sake.

AMO. Is the perfume rich in this jerkin?

PER. Taste, smell; I assure you, sir, pure benjamin, the only

spirited scent that ever awaked a Neapolitan nostril. You would

wish yourself all nose for the love on't. I frotted a jerkin for a

new-revenued gentleman yielded me three-score crowns but this

morning, and the same titillation.

AMO. I savour no sampsuchine in it.

PER. I am a Nulli-fidian, if there be not three-thirds of a

scruple more of sampsuchinum in this confection, than ever I put in

any. I'll tell you all the ingredients, sir.

AMO. You shall be simple to discover your simples.

PER. Simple! why, sir? What reck I to whom I discover? I have

it in musk, civet, amber, Phoenicobalanus, the decoction of

turmerick, sesana, nard, spikenard, calamus odoratus, stacte,

opobalsamum, amomum, storax, ladanum, aspalathum, opoponax,

oenanthe. And what of all these now? what are you the better?

Tut, it is the sorting, and the dividing, and the mixing, and the

tempering, and the searching, and the decocting, that makes the

fumigation and the suffumigation.

AMO. Well, indue me with it.

PER. I will, sir.

HED. An excellent confection.

CRI. And most worthy a true voluptuary, Jove! what a coil these

musk-worms take to purchase another's delight? for themselves, who

bear the odours, have ever the least sense of them. Yet I do like

better the prodigality of jewels and clothes, whereof one passeth

to a man's heirs; the other at least wears out time. This

presently expires, and, without continual riot in reparation, is

lost: which whoso strives to keep, it is one special argument to

me, that, affecting to smell better than other men, he doth indeed

smell far worse.

MER. I know you will say, it sits well, sir.

TAI. Good faith, if it do not, sir, let your mistress be judge.

MER. By heaven, if my mistress do not like it, I'll make no more

conscience to undo thee, than to undo an oyster.

TAI. Believe it, there's ne'er a mistress in the world can mislike

it.

MER. No, not goodwife tailor, your mistress; that has only the

judgment to heat your pressing-tool. But for a court-mistress that

studies these decorums, and knows the proportion of every cut to a

hair, knows why such a colour is cut upon such a colour, and when a

satin is cut upon six taffataes, will look that we should dive into

the depth of the cut--Give me my scarf. Shew some ribands,

sirrah. Have you the feather?

FEAT. Ay, sir.

MER. Have you the jewel?

JEW. Yes, sir.

MER. What must I give for the hire on't?

JEW. You shall give me six crowns, sir.

MER. Six crowns! By heaven, 'twere a good deed to borrow it of

thee to shew, and never let thee have it again.

JEW. I hope your worship will not do so, sir.

MER. By Jove, sir, there be such tricks stirring, I can tell you,

and worthily too. Extorting knaves, that live by these

court-decorums, and yet--What's your jewel worth, I pray?

JEW. A hundred crowns, sir.

MER. A hundred crowns, and six for the loan on't an hour! what's

that in the hundred for the year? These impostors would not be

hang'd! Your thief is not comparable to them, by Hercules. Well,

put it in, and the feather; you will have it and you shall, and the

pox give you good on't!

AMO. Give me my confects, my moscadini, and place those colours in

my hat.

MER. These are Bolognian ribands, I warrant you.

MIL. In truth, sir, if they be not right Granado silk--

MER. A pox on you, you'll all say so.

MIL. You give me not a penny, sir.

MER. Come, sir, perfume my devant;

"May it ascend, like solemn sacrifice,

Into the nostrils of the Queen of Love!"

HED. Your French ceremonies are the best.

ANA. Monsieur, signior, your Solemn Address is too long; the

ladies long to have you come on.

AMO. Soft, sir, our coming on is not so easily prepared. Signior

Fig!

PER. Ay, sir.

AMO. Can you help my complexion, here?

PER. O yes, sir, I have an excellent mineral fucus for the

purpose. The gloves are right, sir; you shall bury them in a

muck-hill, a draught, seven years, and take them out and wash them,

they shall still retain their first scent, true Spanish. There's

ambre in the umbre.

MER. Your price, sweet Fig?

PER. Give me what you will, sir; the signior pays me two crowns a

pair; you shall give me your love, sir.

MER. My love! with a pox to you, goodman Sassafras.

PER. I come, sir. There's an excellent diapasm in a chain, too,

if you like it.

AMO. Stay, what are the ingredients to your fucus?

PER. Nought but sublimate and crude mercury, sir, well prepared

and dulcified, with the jaw-bones of a sow, burnt, beaten, and

searced.

AMO. I approve it. Lay it on.

MER. I'll have your chain of pomander, sirrah; what's your price?

PER. We'll agree, monsieur; I'll assure you it was both decocted

and dried where no sun came, and kept in an onyx ever since it was

balled.

MER. Come, invert my mustachio, and we have done.

AMO. 'Tis good.

BAR. Hold still, I pray you, sir.

PER. Nay, the fucus is exorbitant, sir.

MER. Death, dost thou burn me, harlot!

BAR. I beseech you, sir.

MER. Beggar, varlet, poltroon. [BEATS HIM.]

HED. Excellent, excellent!

ANA. Your French beat is the most natural beat of the world.

ASO. O that I had played at this weapon. [A CHARGE.]

PHA. Peace, now they come on; the second part.

AMO. "Madam, your beauties being so attractive, I muse you are

left thus alone."

PHI. "Better be alone, sir, than ill accompanied."

AMO. "Nought can be ill, lady, that can come near your goodness."

MER. "Sweet madam, on what part of you soever a man casts his eye,

he meets with perfection; you are the lively image of Venus

throughout; all the graces smile in your cheeks; your beauty

nourishes as well as delights; you have a tongue steeped in honey,

and a breath like a panther; your breasts and forehead are whiter

than goats' milk, or May blossoms; a cloud is not so soft as your

skin--"

HED. Well strook, monsieur! He charges like a Frenchman indeed,

thick and hotly.

MER. "Your cheeks are Cupid's baths, wherein he uses to steep

himself in milk and nectar: he does light all his torches at your

eyes, and instructs you how to shoot and wound with their beams.

Yet I love nothing in you more than your innocence; you retain so

native a simplicity, so unblamed a behaviour! Methinks, with such

a love, I should find no head, nor foot of my pleasure: you are

the very spirit of a lady."

ANA. Fair play, monsieur, you are too hot on the quarry; give your

competitor audience.

AMO. "Lady, how stirring soever the monsieur's tongue is, he will

lie by your side more dull than your eunuch."

ANA. A good stroke; that mouth was excellently put over.

AMO. "You are fair, lady--"

CRI. You offer foul, signior, to close; keep your distance; for

all your bravo rampant here.

AMO. "I say you are fair, lady, let your choice be fit, as you are

fair."

MER. "I say ladies do never believe they are fair, till some fool

begins to doat upon them."

PHI. You play too rough, gentlemen.

AMO. "Your frenchified fool is your only fool, lady: I do yield

to this honourable monsieur in all civil and humane courtesy."

[A FLOURISH.]

MER. Buz!

ANA. Admirable. Give him the prize, give him the prize: that

mouth again was most courtly hit, and rare.

AMO. I knew I should pass upon him with the bitter bob.

HED. O, but the reverse was singular.

PHA. It was most subtile, Amorphus.

ASO. If I had done't, it should have been better.

MER. How heartily they applaud this, Crites!

CRI. You suffer them too long.

MER. I'll take off their edge instantly.

ANA. Name the prize, at the "Solemn Address."

PHI. Two lips wagging.

CRI. And never a wise word, I take it.

ANA. Give to Amorphus. And, upon him again; let him not draw free

breath.

AMO. Thanks, fair deliverer, and my honourable judges. Madam

Phantaste, you are our worthy object at this next weapon.

PHA. Most covetingly ready, Amorphus.

[SHE TAKES THE STATE INSTEAD OF PHILAUTIA.]

HED. Your monsieur is crest-fallen.

ANA. So are most of them once a year.

AMO. You will see, I shall now give him the gentle Dor presently,

he forgetting to shift the colours, which are now changed with

alteration of the mistress. At your last weapon, sir. "The

Perfect Close." Set forward. [A CHARGE.] Intend your approach,

monsieur.

MER. 'Tis yours, signior.

AMO. With your example, sir.

MER. Not I, sir.

AMO. It is your right.

MER. By no possible means.

AMO. You have the way.

MER. As I am noble--

AMO. As I am virtuous--

MER. Pardon me, sir.

AMO. I will die first.

MER. You are a tyrant in courtesy.

AMO. He is removed.--[STAYS MERCURY ON HIS MOVING.]--Judges,

bear witness.

MER. What of that, sir?

AMO. You are removed, sir.

MER. Well.

AMO. I challenge you; you have received the Dor. Give me the

prize.

MER. Soft, sir. How, the Dor?

AMO. The common mistress, you see, is changed.

MER. Right, sir.

AMO. And you have still in your hat the former colours.

MER. You lie, sir, I have none: I have pulled them out. I meant

to play discoloured. [A FLOURISH.]

CRI. The Dor, the Dor, the Dor, the Dor, the Dor, the palpable

Dor!

ANA. Heart of my blood, Amorphus, what have you done? stuck a

disgrace upon us all, and at your last weapon!

ASO. I could have done no more.

HED. By heaven, it was most unfortunate luck.

ANA. Luck! by that candle, it was mere rashness, and oversight;

would any man have ventured to play so open, and forsake his ward?

D--n me, if he have not eternally undone himself in court, and

discountenanced us that were his main countenance, by it.

AMO. Forgive it now: it was the solecism of my stars.

CRI. The wring by the hand, and the banquet, is ours.

MER. O, here's a lady feels like a wench of the first year; you

would think her hand did melt in your touch; and the bones of her

fingers ran out at length when you prest 'em, they are so gently

delicate! He that had the grace to print a kiss on these lips,

should taste wine and rose-leaves. O, she kisses as close as a

cockle. Let's take them down, as deep as our hearts, wench, till

our very souls mix. Adieu, signior: good faith I shall drink to

you at supper, sir.

ANA. Stay, monsieur. Who awards you the prize?

CRI. Why, his proper merit, sir; you see he has played down your

grand garb-master, here.

ANA. That's not in your logic to determine, sir: you are no

courtier. This is none of your seven or nine beggarly sciences, but

a certain mystery above them, wherein we that have skill must

pronounce, and not such fresh men as you are.

CRI. Indeed, I must declare myself to you no profest courtling;

nor to have any excellent stroke at your subtile weapons; yet if

you please, I dare venture a hit with you, or your fellow, sir

Dagonet, here.

ANA. With me!

CRI. Yes, sir.

ANA. Heart, I shall never have such a fortune to save myself in a

fellow again, and your two reputations, gentlemen, as in this.

I'll undertake him.

HED. Do, and swinge him soundly, good Anaides.

ANA. Let me alone; I'll play other manner of play, than has been

seen yet. I would the prize lay on't.

MER. It shall if you will, I forgive my right.

ANA. Are you so confident! what's your weapon?

CRI. At any, I, sir.

MER. The Perfect Close, that's now the best.

ANA. Content, I'll pay your scholarity. Who offers?

CRI. Marry, that will I: I dare give you that advantage too.

ANA. You dare! well, look to your liberal sconce.

AMO. Make your play still, upon the answer, sir.

ANA. Hold your peace, you are a hobby-horse.

ASO. Sit by me, master.

MER. Now, Crites, strike home. [A CHARGE.]

CRI. You shall see me undo the assured swaggerer with a trick,

instantly: I will play all his own play before him; court the wench

in his garb, in his phrase, with his face; leave him not so much as

a look, an eye, a stalk, or an imperfect oath, to express himself

by, after me. [ASIDE TO MERCURY.]

MER. Excellent, Crites.

ANA. When begin you, sir? have you consulted?

CRI. To your cost, sir. Which is the piece stands forth to be

courted? O, are you she? [TO PHILAUTIA.] "Well, madam, or sweet

lady, it is so, I do love you in some sort, do you conceive? and

though I am no monsieur, nor no signior, and do want, as they say,

logic and sophistry, and good words, to tell you why it is so; yet

by this hand and by that candle it is so: and though I be no

book-worm, nor one that deals by art, to give you rhetoric and

causes, why it should be so, or make it good it is so? yet, d--n

me, but I know it is so, and am assured it is so, and I and my

sword shall make it appear it is so, and give you reason sufficient

how it can be no otherwise but so--"

HED. 'Slight, Anaides, you are mocked, and so we are all.

MER. How now, signior! what, suffer yourself to be cozened of

your courtship before your face?

HED. This is plain confederacy to disgrace us: let's be gone, and

plot some revenge.

AMO. "When men disgraces share,

The lesser is the care."

CRI. Nay, stay, my dear Ambition, [TO HEDON.] I can do you over

too. You that tell your mistress, her beauty is all composed of

theft; her hair stole from Apollo's goldy-locks; her white and red,

lilies and roses stolen out of paradise; her eyes two stars,

pluck'd from the sky; her nose the gnomon of Love's dial, that

tells you how the clock of your heart goes: and for her other

parts, as you cannot reckon them, they are so many; so you cannot

recount them, they are so manifest. Yours, if his own, unfortunate

Hoyden, instead of Hedon. [A FLOURISH.]

ASO. Sister, come away, I cannot endure them longer.

[EXEUNT ALL BUT MERCURY AND CRITES.]

MER. Go, Dors, and you, my madam Courting-stocks,

Follow your scorned and derided mates;

Tell to your guilty breasts, what mere gilt blocks

You are, and how unworthy human states.

CRI. Now, sacred God of Wit, if you can make

Those, whom our sports tax in these apish graces,

Kiss, like the fighting snakes, your peaceful rod,

These times shall canonise you for a god.

MER. Why, Crites, think you any noble spirit,

Or any, worth the title of a man,

Will be incensed to see the enchanted veils

Of self-conceit, and servile flattery,

Wrapt in so many folds by time and custom,

Drawn from his wronged and bewitched eyes?

Who sees not now their shape and nakedness,

Is blinder than the son of earth, the mole;

Crown'd with no more humanity, nor soul.

CRI. Though they may see it, yet the huge estate

Fancy, and form, and sensual pride have gotten,

Will make them blush for anger, not for shame,

And turn shewn nakedness to impudence.

Humour is now the test we try things in:

All power is just: nought that delights is sin.

And yet the zeal of every knowing man

Opprest with hills of tyranny, cast on virtue

By the light fancies of fools, thus transported.

Cannot but vent the Aetna of his fires,

T'inflame best bosoms with much worthier love

Than of these outward and effeminate shades;

That these vain joys, in which their wills consume

Such powers of wit and soul as are of force

To raise their beings to eternity,

May be converted on works fitting men:

And, for the practice of a forced look,

An antic gesture, or a fustian phrase,

Study the native frame of a true heart,

An inward comeliness of bounty, knowledge,

And spirit that may conform them actually

To God's high figures, which they have in power;

Which to neglect for a self-loving neatness,

Is sacrilege of an unpardon'd greatness.

MER. Then let the truth of these things strengthen thee,

In thy exempt and only man-like course;

Like it the more, the less it is respected:

Though men fail, virtue is by gods protected.--

See, here comes Arete; I'll withdraw myself. [EXIT.]

ENTER ARETE.

ARE. Crites, you must provide straight for a masque,

'Tis Cynthia's pleasure.

CRI. How, bright Arete!

Why, 'twere a labour more for Hercules:

Better and sooner durst I undertake

To make the different seasons of the year,

The winds, or elements, to sympathise,

Than their unmeasurable vanity

Dance truly in a measure. They agree!

What though all concord's born of contraries;

So many follies will confusion prove,

And like a sort of jarring instruments,

All out of tune; because, indeed, we see

There is not that analogy 'twixt discords,

As between things but merely opposite.

ARE. There is your error: for as Hermes' wand

Charms the disorders of tumultuous ghosts;

And as the strife of Chaos then did cease,

When better light than Nature's did arrive:

So, what could never in itself agree,

Forgetteth the eccentric property,

And at her sight turns forth with regular,

Whose sceptre guides the flowing ocean:

And though it did not, yet the most of them

Being either courtiers, or not wholly rude,

Respect of majesty, the place, and presence,

Will keep them within ring; especially

When they are not presented as themselves,

But masqued like others: for, in troth, not so

To incorporate them, could be nothing else,

Than like a state ungovern'd, without laws;

Or body made of nothing but diseases:

The one, through impotency, poor and wretched;

The other, for the anarchy, absurd.

CRI. But, lady, for the revellers themselves,

It would be better, in my poor conceit,

That others were employ'd; for such as are

Unfit to be in Cynthia's court, can seem

No less unfit to be in Cynthia's sports.

ARE. That, Crites, is not purposed without

Particular knowledge of the goddess' mind;

Who holding true intelligence, what follies

Had crept into her palace, she resolved

Of sports and triumphs; under that pretext,

To have them muster in their pomp and fulness,

That so she might more strictly, and to root,

Effect the reformation she intends.

CRI. I now conceive her heavenly drift in all;

And will apply my spirits to serve her will.

O thou, the very power by which I am,

And but for which it were in vain to be,

Chief next Diana, virgin heavenly fair,

Admired Arete, of them admired

Whose souls are not enkindled by the sense,

Disdain not my chaste fire, but feed the flame

Devoted truly to thy gracious name.

ARE. Leave to suspect us: Crites well shall find,

As we are now most dear, we'll prove most kind.

[WITHIN.] Arete!

ARE. Hark, I am call'd. [EXIT.]

CRI. I follow instantly.

Phoebus Apollo, if with ancient rites,

And due devotions, I have ever hung

Elaborate Paeans on thy golden shrine,

Or sung thy triumphs in a lofty strain,

Fit for a theatre of gods to hear:

And thou, the other son of mighty Jove,

Cyllenian Mercury, sweet Maia's joy,

If in the busy tumults of the mind

My path thou ever hast illumined,

For which thine altars I have oft perfumed,

And deck'd thy statues with discolour'd flowers:

Now thrive invention in this glorious court,

That not of bounty only, but of right,

Cynthia may grace, and give it life by sight. [EXIT.]

SCENE III.

ENTER HESPERUS, CYNTHIA, ARETE, TIME, PHRONESIS, AND THAUMA.

MUSIC ACCOMPANIED. HESPERUS SINGS.

Queen and huntress, chaste and fair,

Now the sun is laid to sleep,

Seated in thy silver chair,

State in wonted manner keep:

Hesperus entreats thy light,

Goddess, excellently bright.

Earth, let not thy envious shade

Dare itself to interpose;

Cynthia's shining orb was made

Heav'n to clear, when day did close:

Bless us then with wished sight,

Goddess excellently bright.

Lay thy bow of pearl apart,

And thy crystal shining quiver;

Give unto the flying hart

Space to breathe, how short soever:

Thou, that mak'st a day of night,

Goddess excellently bright.

CYN. When hath Diana, like an envious wretch,

That glitters only to his soothed self,

Denying to the world the precious use

Of hoarded wealth, withheld her friendly aid?

Monthly we spend our still-repaired shine,

And not forbid our virgin-waxen torch

To burn and blaze, while nutriment doth last:

That once consumed, out of Jove's treasury

A new we take, and stick it in our sphere,

To give the mutinous kind of wanting men

Their look'd-for light. Yet what is their desert?

Bounty is wrong'd, interpreted as due;

Mortals can challenge not a ray, by right,

Yet do expect the whole of Cynthia's light.

But if that deities withdrew their gifts

For human follies, what could men deserve

But death and darkness? It behoves the high,

For their own sakes, to do things worthily.

ARE. Most true, most sacred goddess; for the heavens

Receive no good of all the good they do:

Nor Jove, nor you, nor other heavenly Powers,

Are fed with fumes, which do from incense rise,

Or sacrifices reeking in their gore;

Yet, for the care which you of mortals have,

(Whose proper good it is that they be so;)

You well are pleased with odours redolent:

But ignorant is all the race of men,

Which still complains, not knowing why, or when.

CYN. Else, noble Arete, they would not blame,

And tax, or for unjust, or for as proud,

Thy Cynthia, in the things which are indeed

The greatest glories in our starry crown;

Such is our chastity, which safely scorns,

Not love, for who more fervently doth love

Immortal honour, and divine renown?

But giddy Cupid, Venus' frantic son.

Yet, Arete, if by this veiled light

We but discover'd (what we not discern)

Any the least of imputations stand

Ready to sprinkle our unspotted fame

With note of lightness, from these revels near:

Not, for the empire of the universe,

Should night, or court, this whatsoever shine,

Or grace of ours, unhappily enjoy.

Place and occasion are two privy thieves;

And from poor innocent ladies often steal

The best of things, an honourable name;

To stay with follies, or where faults may be,

Infers a crime, although the party free.

ARE. How Cynthianly, that is, how worthily

And like herself, the matchless Cynthia speaks!

Infinite jealousies, infinite regards,

Do watch about the true virginity:

But Phoebe lives from all, not only fault,

But as from thought, so from suspicion free.

Thy presence broad-seals our delights for pure;

What's done in Cynthia's sight, is done secure.

CYN. That then so answer'd, dearest Arete,

What th' argument, or of what sort our sports

Are like to be this night, I not demand.

Nothing which duty, and desire to please,

Bears written in the forehead, comes amiss.

But unto whose invention must we owe

The complement of this night's furniture?

ARE. Excellent goddess, to a man's, whose worth,

Without hyperbole, I thus may praise;

One at least studious of deserving well,

And, to speak truth, indeed deserving well.

Potential merit stands for actual,

Where only opportunity doth want,

Not will, nor power; both which in him abound,

One whom the Muses and Minerva love;

For whom should they, than Crites, more esteem,

Whom Phoebus, though not Fortune, holdeth dear?

And, which convinceth excellence in him,

A principal admirer of yourself:

Even through the ungentle injuries of Fate,

And difficulties, which do virtue choke,

Thus much of him appears. What other things

Of farther note do lie unborn in him,

Them I do leave for cherishment to shew,

And for a goddess graciously to judge.

CYN. We have already judged him, Arete,

Nor are we ignorant how noble minds

Suffer too much through those indignities

Which times and vicious persons cast on them.

Ourself have ever vowed to esteem

As virtue for itself, so fortune, base;

Who's first in worth, the same be first in place.

Nor farther notice, Arete, we crave

Then thine approval's sovereign warranty:

Let 't be thy care to make us known to him;

Cynthia shall brighten what the world made dim.

[EXIT ARETE.]

THE FIRST MASQUE.

ENTER CUPID, DISGUISED AS ANTEROS, FOLLOWED BY STORGE, AGLAIA,

EUPHANTASTE, AND APHELEIA.

CUP. Clear pearl of heaven, and, not to be farther ambitious in

titles, Cynthia! the fame of this illustrious night, among others,

hath also drawn these four fair virgins from the palace of their

queen Perfection, (a word which makes no sufficient difference

betwixt her's and thine,) to visit thy imperial court: for she,

their sovereign, not finding where to dwell among men, before her

return to heaven, advised them wholly to consecrate themselves to

thy celestial service, as in whose clear spirit (the proper element

and sphere of virtue) they should behold not her alone, their

ever-honoured mistress, but themselves (more truly themselves) to

live enthronised. Herself would have commended them unto thy

favour more particularly, but that she knows no commendation is

more available with thee, than that of proper virtue. Nevertheless

she willed them to present this crystal mound, a note of monarchy,

and symbol of perfection, to thy more worthy deity; which, as here

by me they most humbly do, so amongst the rarities thereof, that is

the chief, to shew whatsoever the world hath excellent, howsoever

remote and various. But your irradiate judgment will soon

discover the secrets of this little crystal world. Themselves,

to appear more plainly, because they know nothing more odious then

false pretexts, have chosen to express their several qualities

thus in several colours.

The first, in citron colour, is natural affection, which, given us

to procure our good, is sometime called Storge; and as every one is

nearest to himself, so this handmaid of reason, allowable

Self-love, as it is without harm, so are none without it: her

place in the court of Perfection was to quicken minds in the

pursuit of honour. Her device is a perpendicular level, upon a

cube or square; the word, "se suo modulo"; alluding to that true

measure of one's self, which as every one ought to make, so is it

most conspicuous in thy divine example.

The second, in green is Aglaia, delectable and pleasant

conversation, whose property it is to move a kindly delight, and

sometime not without laughter: her office to entertain assemblies,

and keep societies together with fair familiarity. Her device,

within a ring of clouds, a heart with shine about it; the word,

'curarum nubila pello': an allegory of Cynthia's light, which no

less clears the sky then her fair mirth the heart.

The third, in the discoloured mantle spangled all over, is

Euphantaste, a well-conceited Wittiness, and employed in honouring

the court with the riches of her pure invention. Her device, upon

a Petasus, or Mercurial hat, a crescent; The word; "sic laus

ingenii"; inferring that the praise and glory of wit doth ever

increase, as doth thy growing moon.

The fourth, in white, is Apheleia, a nymph as pure and simple as the

soul, or as an abrase table, and is therefore called Simplicity;

without folds, without plaits, without colour, without counterfeit;

and (to speak plainly) plainness itself. Her device is no device.

The word under her silver shield, "omnis abest fucus"; alluding to

thy spotless self, who art as far from impurity as from mortality.

Myself, celestial goddess, more fit for the court of Cynthia than

the arbours of Cytherea, am called Anteros, or Love's enemy; the

more welcome therefore to thy court, and the fitter to conduct this

quaternion, who, as they are thy professed votaries, and for that

cause adversaries to Love, yet thee, perpetual virgin, they both

love, and vow to love eternally.

RE-ENTER ARETE, WITH CRITES.

CYN. Not without wonder, nor without delight

Mine eyes have view'd, in contemplation's depth,

This work of wit, divine and excellent:

What shape, what substance, or what unknown power,

In virgin's habit, crown'd with laurel leaves,

And olive-branches woven in between,

On sea-girt rocks, like to a goddess shines!

O front! O face! O all celestial, sure,

And more than mortal! Arete, behold

Another Cynthia, and another queen,

Whose glory, like a lasting plenilune,

Seems ignorant of what it is to wane.

Nor under heaven an object could be found

More fit to please. Let Crites make approach.

Bounty forbids to pall our thanks with stay,

Or to defer our favour, after view:

The time of grace is, when the cause is new.

ARE. Lo, here the man, celestial Delia,

Who (like a circle bounded in itself)

Contains as much as man in fulness may.

Lo, here the man; who not of usual earth,

But of that nobler and more precious mould

Which Phoebus' self doth temper, is composed;

And who, though all were wanting to reward,

Yet to himself he would not wanting be:

Thy favours gain is his ambition's most,

And labour's best; who (humble in his height)

Stands fixed silent in thy glorious sight.

CYN. With no less pleasure than we have beheld

This precious crystal work of rarest wit,

Our eye doth read thee, now instiled, our Crites;

Whom learning, virtue, and our favour last,

Exempteth from the gloomy multitude.

With common eye the Supreme should not see:

Henceforth be ours, the more thyself to be.

CRI. Heaven's purest light, whose orb may be eclipsed,

But not thy praise; divinest Cynthia!

How much too narrow for so high a grace,

Thine (save therein) the most unworthy Crites

Doth find himself! for ever shine thy fame;

Thine honours ever, as thy beauties do.

In me they must, my dark world's chiefest lights,

By whose propitious beams my powers are raised

To hope some part of those most lofty points,

Which blessed Arete hath pleased to name,

As marks, to which my endeavour's steps should bend:

Mine, as begun at thee, in thee must end.

THE SECOND MASQUE.

ENTER MERCURY AS A PAGE, INTRODUCING EUCOSMOS, EUPATHES, EUTOLMOS,

AND EUCOLOS.

MER. Sister of Phoebus, to whose bright orb we owe, that we not

complain of his absence; these four brethren (for they are

brethren, and sons of Eutaxia, a lady known, and highly beloved of

your resplendent deity) not able to be absent, when Cynthia held a

solemnity, officiously insinuate themselves into thy presence: for,

as there are four cardinal virtues, upon which the whole frame of

the court doth move, so are these the four cardinal properties,

without which the body of compliment moveth not. With these four

silver javelins, (which they bear in their hands) they support in

princes' courts the state of the presence, as by office they are

obliged: which, though here they may seem superfluous, yet, for

honour's sake, they thus presume to visit thee, having also been

employed in the palace of queen Perfection. And though to them

that would make themselves gracious to a goddess, sacrifices were

fitter than presents, or impresses, yet they both hope thy favour,

and (in place of either) use several symbols, containing the

titles of thy imperial dignity.

First, the hithermost, in the changeable blue and green robe, is

the commendably-fashioned gallant Eucosmos; whose courtly habit is

the grace of the presence, and delight of the surveying eye; whom

ladies understand by the names of Neat and Elegant. His symbol

is, "divae virgini," in which he would express thy deity's

principal glory, which hath ever been virginity.

The second, in the rich accoutrement, and robe of purple, empaled

with gold, is Eupathes; who entertains his mind with an harmless,

but not incurious variety; all the objects of his senses are

sumptuous, himself a gallant, that, without excess, can make use

of superfluity, go richly in embroideries, jewels, and what not,

without vanity, and fare delicately without gluttony; and

therefore (not without cause) is universally thought to be of fine

humour. His symbol is, "divae optimae"; an attribute to express

thy goodness, in which thou so resemblest Jove thy father.

The third, in the blush-coloured suit, is Eutolmos, as duly

respecting others, as never neglecting himself; commonly known by

the title of good Audacity; to courts and courtly assemblies a

guest most acceptable. His symbol is, "divae viragini"; to

express thy hardy courage in chase of savage beasts, which harbour

in woods and wildernesses.

The fourth, in watchet tinsel, is the kind and truly benefique

Eucolos, who imparteth not without respect, but yet without

difficulty, and hath the happiness to make every kindness seem

double, by the timely and freely bestowing thereof. He is the

chief of them, who by the vulgar are said to be of good nature.

His symbol is, "divae maximae"; an adjunct to signify thy

greatness, which in heaven, earth, and hell, is formidable.

MUSIC. A DANCE BY THE TWO MASQUES JOINED, DURING WHICH CUPID AND

MERCURY RETIRE TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE.

CUP. Is not that Amorphus, the traveller?

MER. As though it were not! do you not see how his legs are in

travail with a measure?

CUP. Hedon, thy master is next.

MER. What, will Cupid turn nomenclator, and cry them?

CUP. No, faith, but I have a comedy toward, that would not be lost

for a kingdom.

MER. In good time, for Cupid will prove the comedy.

CUP. Mercury, I am studying how to match them.

MER. How to mismatch them were harder.

CUP. They are the nymphs must do it; I shall sport myself with

their passions above measure.

MER. Those nymphs would be tamed a little indeed, but I fear thou

has not arrows for the purpose.

CUP. O yes, here be of all sorts, flights, rovers, and

butt-shafts. But I can wound with a brandish, and never draw bow

for the matter.

MER. I cannot but believe it, my invisible archer, and yet

methinks you are tedious.

CUP. It behoves me to be somewhat circumspect, Mercury; for if

Cynthia hear the twang of my bow, she'll go near to whip me with

the string; therefore, to prevent that, I thus discharge a brandish

upon--it makes no matter which of the couples. Phantaste and

Amorphus, at you. [WAVES HIS ARROW AT THEM.]

MER. Will the shaking of a shaft strike them into such a fever of

affection?

CUP. As well as the wink of an eye: but, I pray thee, hinder me

not with thy prattle.

MER. Jove forbid I hinder thee; Marry, all that I fear is

Cynthia's presence, which, with the cold of her chastity, casteth

such an antiperistasis about the place, that no heat of thine will

tarry with the patient.

CUP. It will tarry the rather, for the antiperistasis will keep it

in.

MER. I long to see the experiment.

CUP. Why, their marrow boils already, or they are all turn'd

eunuchs.

MER. Nay, an't be so, I'll give over speaking, and be a spectator

only.

[THE FIRST DANCE ENDS.]

AMO. Cynthia, by my bright soul, is a right exquisite and

spendidious lady; yet Amorphus, I think, hath seen more fashions, I

am sure more countries; but whether I have or not, what need we

gaze on Cynthia, that have ourself to admire?

PHA. O, excellent Cynthia! yet if Phantaste sat where she does,

and had such attire on her head, (for attire can do much,) I say

no more--but goddesses are goddesses, and Phantaste is as she is!

I would the revels were done once, I might go to my school of glass

again, and learn to do myself right after all this ruffling.

[MUSIC; THEY BEGIN THE SECOND DANCE.]

MER. How now Cupid? here's a wonderful change with your brandish!

do you not hear how they dote?

CUP. What prodigy is this? no word of love, no mention, no

motion!

MER. Not a word my little ignis fatue, not a word.

CUP. Are my darts enchanted? is their vigour gone? is their

virtue--

MER. What! Cupid turned jealous of himself? ha, ha, ha!

CUP. Laughs Mercury?

MER. Is Cupid angry?

CUP. Hath he not cause, when his purpose is so deluded?

MER. A rare comedy, it shall be entitled Cupid's?

CUP. Do not scorn us Hermes.

MER. Choler and Cupid are two fiery things; I scorn them not.

But I see that come to pass which I presaged in the beginning.

CUP. You cannot tell: perhaps the physic will not work so soon

upon some as upon others. It may be the rest are not so resty.

MER. "Ex ungue"; you know the old adage; as these so are the

remainder.

CUP. I'll try: this is the same shaft with which I wounded

Argurion. [WAVES HIS ARROW AGAIN.]

MER. Ay, but let me save you a labour, Cupid: there were certain

bottles of water fetch'd, and drunk off since that time, by these

gallants.

CUP. Jove strike me into the earth! the Fountain of Self-love!

MER. Nay faint not Cupid.

CUP. I remember'd it not.

MER. Faith, it was ominous to take the name of Anteros upon you;

you know not what charm or enchantment lies in the word: you saw,

I durst not venture upon any device in our presentment, but was

content to be no other then a simple page. Your arrows'

properties, (to keep decorum,) Cupid, are suited, it should seem,

to the nature of him you personate.

CUP. Indignity not to be borne!

MER. Nay rather, an attempt to have been forborne.

[THE SECOND DANCE ENDS.]

CUP. How might I revenge myself on this insulting Mercury?

there's Crites, his minion, he has not tasted of this water?

[WAVES HIS ARROW AT CRITES.] It shall be so. Is Crites

turn'd dotard on himself too?

MER. That follows not, because the venom of your shafts cannot

pierce him, Cupid.

CUP. As though there were one antidote for these, and another

for him?

MER. As though there were not; or, as if one effect might not

arise of diverse causes? What say you to Cynthia, Arete,

Phronesis, Time, and others there?

CUP. They are divine.

MER. And Crites aspires to be so.

[MUSIC; THEY BEGIN THE THIRD DANCE.]

CUP. But that shall not serve him.

MER. 'Tis like to do it, at this time. But Cupid is grown too

covetous, that will not spare one of a multitude.

CUP. One is more than a multitude.

MER. Arete's favour makes any one shot-proof against thee, Cupid.

I pray thee, light honey-bee, remember thou art not now in Adonis'

garden, but in Cynthia's presence, where thorns lie in garrison

about the roses. Soft, Cynthia speaks.

CYN. Ladies and gallants of our court, to end,

And give a timely period to our sports,

Let us conclude them, with declining night;

Our empire is but of the darker half.

And if you judge it any recompence

For your faire pains, t' have earn'd Diana's thanks,

Diana grants them, and bestows their crown

To gratify your acceptable zeal.

For you are they, that not, as some have done,

Do censure us, as too severe and sour,

But as, more rightly, gracious to the good;

Although we not deny, unto the proud,

Or the profane, perhaps indeed austere:

For so Actaeon, by presuming far,

Did, to our grief, incur a fatal doom;

And so, swoln Niobe, comparing more

Than he presumed, was trophaeed into stone.

But are we therefore judged too extreme?

Seems it no crime to enter sacred bowers,

And hallowed places, with impure aspect,

Most lewdly to pollute? Seems it no crime

To brave a deity? Let mortals learn

To make religion of offending heaven.

And not at all to censure powers divine.

To men this argument should stand for firm,

A goddess did it, therefore it was good:

We are not cruel, nor delight in blood.--

But what have serious repetitions

To do with revels, and the sports of court?

We not intend to sour your late delights

With harsh expostulation. Let it suffice

That we take notice, and can take revenge

Of these calumnious and lewd blasphemies.

For we are no less Cynthia than we were,

Nor is our power, but as ourself, the same:

Though we have now put on no tire of shine,

But mortal eyes undazzled may endure.

Years are beneath the spheres, and time makes weak

Things under heaven, not powers which govern heaven.

And though ourself be in ourself secure,

Yet let not mortals challenge to themselves

Immunity from thence. Lo, this is all:

Honour hath store of spleen, but wanteth gall.

Once more we cast the slumber of our thanks

On your ta'en toil, which here let take an end:

And that we not mistake your several worths,

Nor you our favour, from yourselves remove

What makes you not yourselves, those clouds of masque

Particular pains particular thanks do ask.

[THE DANCERS UNMASK.]

How! let me view you. Ha! are we contemn'd?

Is there so little awe of our disdain,

That any (under trust of their disguise)

Should mix themselves with others of the court,

And, without forehead, boldly press so far,

As farther none? How apt is lenity

To be abused! severity to be loath'd!

And yet, how much more doth the seeming face

Of neighbour virtues, and their borrow'd names,

Add of lewd boldness to loose vanities!

Who would have thought that Philautia durst

Or have usurped noble Storge's name,

Or with that theft have ventured on our eyes?

Who would have thought, that all of them should hope

So much of our connivence, as to come

To grace themselves with titles not their own?

Instead of med'cines, have we maladies?

And such imposthumes as Phantaste is

Grow in our palace? We must lance these sores,

Or all will putrify. Nor are these all,

For we suspect a farther fraud than this:

Take off our veil, that shadows many depart,

And shapes appear, beloved Arete--So,

Another face of things presents itself,

Than did of late. What! feather'd Cupid masqued,

And masked like Anteros? And stay! more strange!

Dear Mercury, our brother, like a page,

To countenance the ambush of the boy!

Nor endeth our discovery as yet:

Gelaia, like a nymph, that, but erewhile,

In male attire, did serve Anaides?--

Cupid came hither to find sport and game,

Who heretofore hath been too conversant

Among our train, but never felt revenge:

And Mercury bare Cupid company.

Cupid, we must confess, this time of mirth,

Proclaim'd by us, gave opportunity

To thy attempts, although no privilege:

Tempt us no farther; we cannot endure

Thy presence longer; vanish hence, away!

[EXIT CUPID.]

You Mercury, we must entreat to stay,

And hear what we determine of the rest;

For in this plot we well perceive your hand.

But, (for we mean not a censorian task,

And yet to lance these ulcers grown so ripe,)

Dear Arete, and Crites, to you two

We give the charge; impose what pains you please:

Th' incurable cut off, the rest reform,

Remembering ever what we first decreed,

Since revels were proclaim'd, let now none bleed.

ARE. How well Diana can distinguish times,

And sort her censures, keeping to herself

The doom of gods, leaving the rest to us!

Come, cite them, Crites, first, and then proceed.

CRI. First, Philautia, for she was the first,

Then light Gelaia in Aglaia's name,

Thirdly, Phantaste, and Moria next,

Main Follies all, and of the female crew:

Amorphus, or Eucosmos' counterfeit,

Voluptuous Hedon ta'en for Eupathes,

Brazen Anaides, and Asotus last,

With his two pages, Morus, and Prosaites;

And thou, the traveller's evil, Cos, approach,

Impostors all, and male deformities--

ARE. Nay, forward, for I delegate my power.

And will that at thy mercy they do stand,

Whom they so oft, so plainly scorn'd before.

'Tis virtue which they want, and wanting it,

Honour no garment to their backs can fit.

Then, Crites, practise thy discretion.

CRI. Adored Cynthia, and bright Arete,

Another might seem fitter for this task,

Than Crites far, but that you judge not so:

For I (not to appear vindicative,

Or mindful of contempts, which I contemn'd,

As done of impotence) must be remiss:

Who, as I was the author, in some sort,

To work their knowledge into Cynthia's sight,

So should be much severer to revenge

The indignity hence issuing to her name:

But there's not one of these who are unpain'd,

Or by themselves unpunished; for vice

Is like a fury to the vicious mind,

And turns delight itself to punishment.

But we must forward, to define their doom.

You are offenders, that must be confess'd;

Do you confess it?

ALL. We do.

CRI. And that you merit sharp correction?

ALL. Yes.

CRI. Then we (reserving unto Delia's grace

Her farther pleasure, and to Arete

What Delia granteth) thus do sentence you:

That from this place (for penance known of all,

Since you have drunk so deeply of Self-love)

You, two and two, singing a Palinode,

March to your several homes by Niobe's stone,

And offer up two tears a-piece thereon,

That it may change the name, as you must change,

And of a stone be called Weeping-cross:

Because it standeth cross of Cynthia's way,

One of whose names is sacred Trivia.

And after penance thus perform'd you pass

In like set order, not as Midas did,

To wash his gold off into Tagus' stream;

But to the Well of knowledge, Helicon;

Where, purged of your present maladies,

Which are not few, nor slender, you become

Such as you fain would seem, and then return,

Offering your service to great Cynthia.

This is your sentence, if the goddess please

To ratify it with her high consent;

The scope of wise mirth unto fruit is bent.

CYN. We do approve thy censure belov'd Crites;

Which Mercury, thy true propitious friend,

(A deity next Jove beloved of us,)

Will undertake to see exactly done.

And for this service of discovery,

Perform'd by thee, in honour of our name,

We vow to guerdon it with such due grace

As shall become our bounty, and thy place.

Princes that would their people should do well,

Must at themselves begin, as at the head;

For men, by their example, pattern out

Their imitations, and regard of laws:

A virtuous court, a world to virtue draws.

[EXEUNT CYNTHIA AND HER NYMPHS, FOLLOWED BY ARETE AND CRITES:--

AMORPHUS, PHANTASTE, ETC., GO OFF THE STAGE IN PAIRS, SINGING THE

FOLLOWING]

PALINODE.

AMO. From Spanish shrugs, French faces, smirks, irpes, and all

affected humours,

CHORUS. Good Mercury defend us.

PHA. From secret friends, sweet servants, loves, doves, and such

fantastic humours,

CHORUS. Good Mercury defend us.

AMO. From stabbing of arms, flap-dragons, healths, whiffs, and all

such swaggering humours,

CHORUS. Good Mercury defend us.

PHA. From waving fans, coy glances, glicks, cringes, and all such

simpering humours,

CHORUS. Good Mercury defend us.

AMO. From making love by attorney, courting of puppets, and paying

for new acquaintance.

CHORUS. Good Mercury defend us.

PHA. From perfumed dogs, monkies, sparrows, dildoes, and

paraquettoes.

CHORUS. Good Mercury defend us.

AMO. From wearing bracelets of hair, shoe-ties, gloves, garters,

and rings with poesies.

CHORUS. Good Mercury defend us.

PHA. From pargetting, painting, slicking, glazing, and renewing

old rivelled faces.

CHORUS. Good Mercury defend us.

AMO. From 'squiring to tilt yards, play-houses, pageants, and all

such public places.

CHORUS. Good Mercury defend us.

PHA. From entertaining one gallant to gull another, and making

fools of either,

CHORUS. Good Mercury defend us.

AMO. From belying ladies' favours, noblemen's countenance, coining

counterfeit employments, vain-glorious taking to them other men's

services, and all self-loving humours,

CHORUS. Good Mercury defend us.

MERCURY AND CRITES SING.

Now each one dry his weeping eyes,

And to the Well of Knowledge haste;

Where, purged of your maladies,

You may of sweeter waters taste:

And, with refined voice, report

The grace of Cynthia, and her court.

[EXEUNT.

THE EPILOGUE.

Gentles, be't known to you, since I went in

I am turn'd rhymer, and do thus begin.

The author (jealous how your sense doth take

His travails) hath enjoined me to make

Some short and ceremonious epilogue;

But if I yet know what, I am a rogue:

He ties me to such laws as quite distract

My thoughts, and would a year of time exact.

I neither must be faint, remiss, nor sorry,

Sour, serious, confident, nor peremptory:

But betwixt these. Let's see; to lay the blame

Upon the children's action, that were lame.

To crave your favour, with a begging knee,

Were to distrust the writer's faculty.

To promise better at the next we bring,

Prorogues disgrace, commends not any thing.

Stiffly to stand on this, and proudly approve

The play, might tax the maker of Self-love.

I'll only speak what I have heard him say,

"By--'tis good, and if you like't, you may."

"Ecce rubet quidam, pallet, stupet, oscitat, odit

Hoc volo: nunc nobis carmina nostra placent."

GLOSSARY

ABATE, cast down, subdue.

ABHORRING, repugnant (to), at variance.

ABJECT, base, degraded thing, outcast.

ABRASE, smooth, blank.

ABSOLUTE(LY), faultless(ly).

ABSTRACTED, abstract, abstruse.

ABUSE, deceive, insult, dishonour, make ill use of.

ACATER, caterer.

ACATES, cates.

ACCEPTIVE, willing, ready to accept, receive.

ACCOMMODATE, fit, befitting. (The word was a fashionable

one and used on all occasions. See "Henry IV.," pt. 2,

iii. 4).

ACCOST, draw near, approach.

ACKNOWN, confessedly acquainted with.

ACME, full maturity.

ADALANTADO, lord deputy or governor of a Spanish province.

ADJECTION, addition.

ADMIRATION, astonishment.

ADMIRE, wonder, wonder at.

ADROP, philosopher's stone, or substance from which obtained.

ADSCRIVE, subscribe.

ADULTERATE, spurious, counterfeit.

ADVANCE, lift.

ADVERTISE, inform, give intelligence.

ADVERTISED, "be--," be it known to you.

ADVERTISEMENT, intelligence.

ADVISE, consider, bethink oneself, deliberate.

ADVISED, informed, aware; "are you--?" have you found that out?

AFFECT, love, like; aim at; move.

AFFECTED, disposed; beloved.

AFFECTIONATE, obstinate; prejudiced.

AFFECTS, affections.

AFFRONT, "give the--," face.

AFFY, have confidence in; betroth.

AFTER, after the manner of.

AGAIN, AGAINST, in anticipation of.

AGGRAVATE, increase, magnify, enlarge upon.

AGNOMINATION. See Paranomasie.

AIERY, nest, brood.

AIM, guess.

ALL HID, children's cry at hide-and-seek.

ALL-TO, completely, entirely ("all-to-be-laden").

ALLOWANCE, approbation, recognition.

ALMA-CANTARAS (astronomy), parallels of altitude.

ALMAIN, name of a dance.

ALMUTEN, planet of chief influence in the horoscope.

ALONE, unequalled, without peer.

ALUDELS, subliming pots.

AMAZED, confused, perplexed.

AMBER, AMBRE, ambergris.

AMBREE, MARY, a woman noted for her valour at the

siege of Ghent, 1458.

AMES-ACE, lowest throw at dice.

AMPHIBOLIES, ambiguities.

AMUSED, bewildered, amazed.

AN, if.

ANATOMY, skeleton, or dissected body.

ANDIRONS, fire-dogs.

ANGEL, gold coin worth 10 shillings, stamped with the

figure of the archangel Michael.

ANNESH CLEARE, spring known as Agnes le Clare.

ANSWER, return hit in fencing.

ANTIC, ANTIQUE, clown, buffoon.

ANTIC, like a buffoon.

ANTIPERISTASIS, an opposition which enhances the quality

it opposes.

APOZEM, decoction.

APPERIL, peril.

APPLE-JOHN, APPLE-SQUIRE, pimp, pander.

APPLY, attach.

APPREHEND, take into custody.

APPREHENSIVE, quick of perception; able to perceive and appreciate.

APPROVE, prove, confirm.

APT, suit, adapt; train, prepare; dispose, incline.

APT(LY), suitable(y), opportune(ly).

APTITUDE, suitableness.

ARBOR, "make the--," cut up the game (Gifford).

ARCHES, Court of Arches.

ARCHIE, Archibald Armstrong, jester to James I. and Charles I.

ARGAILE, argol, crust or sediment in wine casks.

ARGENT-VIVE, quicksilver.

ARGUMENT, plot of a drama; theme, subject; matter in question;

token, proof.

ARRIDE, please.

ARSEDINE, mixture of copper and zinc, used as an imitation of

gold-leaf.

ARTHUR, PRINCE, reference to an archery show by a society who

assumed arms, etc., of Arthur's knights.

ARTICLE, item.

ARTIFICIALLY, artfully.

ASCENSION, evaporation, distillation.

ASPIRE, try to reach, obtain, long for.

ASSALTO (Italian), assault.

ASSAY, draw a knife along the belly of the deer, a

ceremony of the hunting-field.

ASSOIL, solve.

ASSURE, secure possession or reversion of.

ATHANOR, a digesting furnace, calculated to keep up a

constant heat.

ATONE, reconcile.

ATTACH, attack, seize.

AUDACIOUS, having spirit and confidence.

AUTHENTIC(AL), of authority, authorised, trustworthy, genuine.

AVISEMENT, reflection, consideration.

AVOID, begone! get rid of.

AWAY WITH, endure.

AZOCH, Mercurius Philosophorum.

BABION, baboon.

BABY, doll.

BACK-SIDE, back premises.

BAFFLE, treat with contempt.

BAGATINE, Italian coin, worth about the third of a farthing.

BAIARD, horse of magic powers known to old romance.

BALDRICK, belt worn across the breast to support bugle, etc.

BALE (of dice), pair.

BALK, overlook, pass by, avoid.