[Day the Ninth]
MASTER SIMONE, AT THE INSTANCE OF BRUNO AND BUFFALMACCO AND
NELLO, MAKETH CALANDRINO BELIEVE THAT HE IS WITH CHILD;
WHEREFORE HE GIVETH THEM CAPONS AND MONEY FOR MEDICINES AND
RECOVERETH WITHOUT BRINGING FORTH
After Elisa had finished her story and all the ladies had returned
thanks to God, who had with a happy issue delivered the young nun from
the claws of her envious companions, the queen bade Filostrato follow
on, and he, without awaiting further commandment, began, "Fairest
ladies, the unmannerly lout of a Marchegan judge, of whom I told you
yesterday, took out of my mouth a story of Calandrino and his
companions, which I was about to relate; and for that, albeit it hath
been much discoursed of him and them, aught that is told of him cannot
do otherwise than add to our merriment, I will e'en tell you that
which I had then in mind.
It hath already been clearly enough shown who Calandrino was and who
were the others of whom I am to speak in this story, wherefore,
without further preface, I shall tell you that an aunt of his chanced
to die and left him two hundred crowns in small coin; whereupon he
fell a-talking of wishing to buy an estate and entered into treaty
with all the brokers in Florence, as if he had ten thousand gold
florins to expend; but the matter still fell through, when they came
to the price of the estate in question. Bruno and Buffalmacco, knowing
all this, had told him once and again that he were better spend the
money in making merry together with them than go buy land, as if he
had had to make pellets;[426] but, far from this, they had never even
availed to bring him to give them once to eat. One day, as they were
complaining of this, there came up a comrade of theirs, a painter by
name Nello, and they all three took counsel together how they might
find a means of greasing their gullets at Calandrino's expense;
wherefore, without more delay, having agreed among themselves of that
which was to do, they watched next morning for his coming forth of his
house, nor had he gone far when Nello accosted him, saying, 'Good-day,
Calandrino.' Calandrino answered God give him good day and good year,
and Nello, halting awhile, fell to looking him in the face; whereupon
Calandrino asked him, 'At what lookest thou?' Quoth the painter, 'Hath
aught ailed thee this night? Meseemeth thou are not thyself this
morning.' Calandrino incontinent began to quake and said, 'Alack, how
so? What deemest thou aileth me?' 'Egad,' answered Nello, 'as for that
I can't say; but thou seemest to me all changed; belike it is
nothing.' So saying, he let him pass, and Calandrino fared on, all
misdoubtful, albeit he felt no whit ailing; but Buffalmacco, who was
not far off, seeing him quit of Nello, made for him and saluting him,
enquired if aught ailed him. Quoth Calandrino, 'I know not; nay, Nello
told me but now that I seemed to him all changed. Can it be that aught
aileth me?' 'Ay,' rejoined Buffalmacco, 'there must e'en be something
or other amiss with thee, for thou appearest half dead.'
[Footnote 426: _i.e._ balls for a pellet bow, usually made out of
clay. Bruno and Buffalmacco were punning upon the double meaning, land
and earth (or clay), of the word _terra_.]
By this time it seemed to Calandrino that he had the fevers, when, lo,
up came Bruno and the first thing he said was, 'Calandrino, what
manner of face is this?' Calandrino, hearing them all in the same
tale, held it for certain that he was in an ill way and asked them,
all aghast, 'what shall I do?' Quoth Bruno, 'Methinketh thou wert best
return home and get thee to bed and cover thyself well and send thy
water to Master Simone the doctor, who is, as thou knowest, as our
very creature and will tell thee incontinent what thou must do. We
will go with thee and if it behoveth to do aught, we will do it.'
Accordingly, Nello having joined himself to them, they returned home
with Calandrino, who betook himself, all dejected, into the bedchamber
and said to his wife, 'Come, cover me well, for I feel myself sore
disordered.' Then, laying himself down, he despatched his water by a
little maid to Master Simone, who then kept shop in the Old Market, at
the sign of the Pumpkin, whilst Bruno said to his comrades, 'Abide you
here with him, whilst I go hear what the doctor saith and bring him
hither, if need be.' 'Ay, for God's sake, comrade mine,' cried
Calandrino, 'go thither and bring me back word how the case standeth,
for I feel I know not what within me.'
Accordingly, Bruno posted off to Master Simone and coming thither
before the girl who brought the water, acquainted him with the case;
wherefore, the maid being come and the physician, having seen the
water, he said to her, 'Begone and bid Calandrino keep himself well
warm, and I will come to him incontinent and tell him that which
aileth him and what he must do.' The maid reported this to her master
nor was it long before the physician and Bruno came, whereupon the
former, seating himself beside Calandrino, fell to feeling his pulse
and presently, the patient's wife being there present, he said,
'Harkye, Calandrino, to speak to thee as a friend, there aileth thee
nought but that thou art with child.' When Calandrino heard this, he
fell a-roaring for dolour and said, 'Woe's me! Tessa, this is thy
doing, for that thou wilt still be uppermost; I told thee how it would
be.' The lady, who was a very modest person, hearing her husband speak
thus, blushed all red for shamefastness and hanging her head, went out
of the room, without answering a word; whilst Calandrino, pursuing his
complaint, said, 'Alack, wretch that I am! How shall I do? How shall I
bring forth this child? Whence shall he issue? I see plainly I am a
dead man, through the mad lust of yonder wife of mine, whom God make
as woeful as I would fain be glad! Were I as well as I am not, I would
arise and deal her so many and such buffets that I would break every
bone in her body; albeit it e'en serveth me right, for that I should
never have suffered her get the upper hand; but, for certain, an I
come off alive this time, she may die of desire ere she do it again.'
Bruno and Buffalmacco and Nello were like to burst with laughter,
hearing Calandrino's words; however, they contained themselves, but
Doctor Simple-Simon[427] laughed so immoderately that you might have
drawn every tooth in his head. Finally, Calandrino commending himself
to the physician and praying him give him aid and counsel in this his
strait, the latter said to him, 'Calandrino, I will not have thee lose
heart; for, praised be God, we have taken the case so betimes that, in
a few days and with a little trouble, I will deliver thee thereof; but
it will cost thee some little expense.' 'Alack, doctor mine,' cried
Calandrino, 'ay, for the love of God, do it! I have here two hundred
crowns, wherewith I was minded to buy me an estate; take them all, if
need be, so I be not brought to bed; for I know not how I should do,
seeing I hear women make such a terrible outcry, whereas they are
about to bear child, for all they have ample commodity therefor, that
methinketh, if I had that pain to suffer, I should die ere I came to
the bringing forth.' Quoth the doctor, 'Have no fear of that; I will
let make thee a certain ptisan of distilled waters, very good and
pleasant to drink, which will in three mornings' time carry off
everything and leave thee sounder than a fish; but look thou be more
discreet for the future and suffer not thyself fall again into these
follies. Now for this water it behoveth us have three pairs of fine
fat capons, and for other things that are required thereanent, do thou
give one of these (thy comrades) five silver crowns, so he may buy
them, and let carry everything to my shop; and to-morrow, in God's
name, I will send thee the distilled water aforesaid, whereof thou
shalt proceed to drink a good beakerful at a time.' 'Doctor mine,'
replied Calandrino, 'I put myself in your hands'; and giving Bruno
five crowns and money for three pairs of capons, he besought him to
oblige him by taking the pains to buy these things.
[Footnote 427: _Scimmione_ (lit. ape), a contemptuous distortion of
_Simone_.]
The physician then took his leave and letting make a little
clary,[428] despatched it to Calandrino, whilst Bruno, buying the
capons and other things necessary for making good cheer, ate them in
company with his comrades and Master Simone. Calandrino drank of his
clary three mornings, after which the doctor came to him, together
with his comrades, and feeling his pulse, said to him, 'Calandrino,
thou art certainly cured; wherefore henceforth thou mayst safely go
about thine every business nor abide longer at home for this.'
Accordingly, Calandrino arose, overjoyed, and went about his
occasions, mightily extolling, as often as he happened to speak with
any one, the fine cure that Master Simone had wrought of him, in that
he had unbegotten him with child in three days' time, without any
pain; whilst Bruno and Buffalmacco and Nello abode well pleased at
having contrived with this device to overreach his niggardliness,
albeit Dame Tessa, smoking the cheat, rated her husband amain
thereanent."
[Footnote 428: _Chiarea._ According to the commentators, the
composition of this drink is unknown, but that of clary, a sort of
hippocras or spiced wine _clear-strained_ (whence the name), offers no
difficulty to the student of old English literature.]