[Day the Eighth]
CALANDRINO, BRUNO AND BUFFALMACCO GO COASTING ALONG THE
MUGNONE IN SEARCH OF THE HELIOTROPE AND CALANDRINO THINKETH
TO HAVE FOUND IT. ACCORDINGLY HE RETURNETH HOME, LADEN WITH
STONES, AND HIS WIFE CHIDETH HIM; WHEREUPON, FLYING OUT INTO
A RAGE, HE BEATETH HER AND RECOUNTETH TO HIS COMPANIONS THAT
WHICH THEY KNOW BETTER THAN HE
Pamfilo having made an end of his story, at which the ladies had
laughed so much that they laugh yet, the queen bade Elisa follow on,
who, still laughing, began, "I know not, charming ladies, if with a
little story of mine, no less true than pleasant, I shall succeed in
making you laugh as much as Pamfilo hath done with his; but I will do
my endeavor thereof.
In our city, then, which hath ever abounded in various fashions and
strange folk, there was once, no great while since, a painter called
Calandrino, a simple-witted man and of strange usances. He companied
most of his time with other two painters, called the one Bruno and the
other Buffalmacco, both very merry men, but otherwise well-advised and
shrewd, who consorted with Calandrino for that they ofttimes had great
diversion of his fashions and his simplicity. There was then also in
Florence a young man of a mighty pleasant humor and marvellously
adroit in all he had a mind to do, astute and plausible, who was
called Maso del Saggio, and who, hearing certain traits of
Calandrino's simplicity, determined to amuse himself at his expense
by putting off some cheat on him or causing him believe some strange
thing. He chanced one day to come upon him in the church of San
Giovanni and seeing him intent upon the carved work and paintings of
the pyx, which is upon the altar of the said church and which had then
not long been placed there, he judged the place and time opportune for
carrying his intent into execution. Accordingly, acquainting a friend
of his with that which he purposed to do, they both drew near unto the
place where Calandrino sat alone and feigning not to see him, fell
a-discoursing together of the virtues of divers stones, whereof Maso
spoke as authoritatively as if he had been a great and famous
lapidary.
Calandrino gave ear to their talk and presently, seeing that it was no
secret, he rose to his feet and joined himself to them, to the no
small satisfaction of Maso, who, pursuing his discourse, was asked by
Calandrino where these wonder-working stones were to be found. Maso
replied that the most of them were found in Berlinzone, a city of the
Basques, in a country called Bengodi,[371] where the vines are tied up
with sausages and a goose is to be had for a farthing[372] and a
gosling into the bargain, and that there was a mountain all of grated
Parmesan cheese, whereon abode folk who did nothing but make maccaroni
and ravioli[373] and cook them in capon-broth, after which they threw
them down thence and whoso got most thereof had most; and that hard by
ran a rivulet of vernage,[374] the best ever was drunk, without a drop
of water therein. 'Marry,' cried Calandrino, 'that were a fine
country; but tell me, what is done with the capons that they boil for
broth?' Quoth Maso, 'The Basques eat them all.' Then said Calandrino,
'Wast thou ever there?' 'Was I ever there, quotha!' replied Maso. 'If
I have been there once I have been there a thousand times.' 'And how
many miles is it distant hence?' asked Calandrino; and Maso, 'How
many? a million or more; you might count them all night and not know.'
'Then,' said Calandrino, 'it must be farther off than the Abruzzi?'
'Ay, indeed,' answered Maso; 'it is a trifle farther.'
[Footnote 371: _i.e._ Good cheer.]
[Footnote 372: A play upon the double meaning of _a denajo_, which
signifies also "for money."]
[Footnote 373: A kind of rissole made of eggs, sweet herbs and
cheese.]
[Footnote 374: _Vernaccia_, a kind of rich white wine like Malmsey.]
Calandrino, like a simpleton as he was, hearing Maso tell all this
with an assured air and without laughing, gave such credence thereto
as can be given to whatsoever verity is most manifest and so, holding
it for truth, said, 'That is overfar for my money; though, were it
nearer, I tell thee aright I would go thither with thee once upon a
time, if but to see the maccaroni come tumbling headlong down and take
my fill thereof. But tell me, God keep thee merry, is there none of
those wonder-working stones to be found in these parts?' 'Ay is
there,' answered Maso; 'there be two kinds of stones of very great
virtue found here; the first are the grits of Settignano and Montisci,
by virtue whereof, when they are wrought into millstones, flour is
made; wherefore it is said in those parts that grace cometh from God
and millstones from Montisci; but there is such great plenty of these
grits that they are as little prized with us as emeralds with the folk
over yonder, where they have mountains of them bigger than Mount
Morello, which shine in the middle of the night, I warrant thee. And
thou must know that whoso should cause set fine and perfect
millstones, before they are pierced, in rings and carry them to the
Soldan might have for them what he would. The other is what we
lapidaries call Heliotrope, a stone of exceeding great virtue, for
that whoso hath it about him is not seen of any other person whereas
he is not, what while he holdeth it.' Quoth Calandrino, 'These be
indeed great virtues; but where is this second stone found?' To which
Maso replied that it was commonly found in the Mugnone. 'What bigness
is this stone,' asked Calandrino, 'and what is its colour?' Quoth
Maso, 'It is of various sizes, some more and some less; but all are
well nigh black of colour.'
Calandrino noted all this in himself and feigning to have otherwhat to
do, took leave of Maso, inwardly determined to go seek the stone in
question, but bethought himself not to do it without the knowledge of
Bruno and Buffalmacco, whom he most particularly affected. Accordingly
he addressed himself to seek for them, so they might, without delay
and before any else, set about the search, and spent all the rest of
the morning seeking them. At last, when it was past none, he
remembered him that they were awork in the Ladies' Convent at Faenza
and leaving all his other business, he betook himself thither well
nigh at a run, notwithstanding the great heat. As soon as he saw them,
he called them and bespoke them thus: 'Comrades, an you will hearken
to me, we may become the richest men in all Florence, for that I have
learned from a man worthy of belief that in the Mugnone is to be found
a stone, which whoso carrieth about him is not seen of any; wherefore
meseemeth we were best go thither in quest thereof without delay, ere
any forestall us. We shall certainly find it, for that I know it well,
and when we have gotten it, what have we to do but put it in our poke
and getting us to the moneychangers' tables, which you know stand
still laden with groats and florins, take as much as we will thereof?
None will see us, and so may we grow rich of a sudden, without having
to smear walls all day long, snail-fashion.'
Bruno and Buffalmacco, hearing this, fell a-laughing in their sleeves
and eyeing each other askance, made a show of exceeding wonderment and
praised Calandrino's counsel, but Bruno asked how the stone in
question was called. Calandrino, who was a clod-pated fellow, had
already forgotten the name, wherefore quoth he, 'What have we to do
with the name, since we know the virtue of the stone? Meseemeth we
were best go about the quest without more ado.' 'Well, then,' said
Bruno, 'how is it fashioned?' 'It is of all fashions,' replied
Calandrino; 'but all are well nigh black; wherefore meseemeth that
what we have to do is to gather up all the black stones we see, till
we happen upon the right. So let us lose no time, but get us gone.'
Quoth Bruno, 'Wait awhile,' and turning to his comrade, said,
'Methinketh Calandrino saith well; but meseemeth this is no season
for the search, for that the sun is high and shineth full upon the
Mugnone, where it hath dried all the stones, so that certain of those
that be there appear presently white, which of a morning, ere the sun
have dried them, show black; more by token that, to-day being a
working day, there be many folk, on one occasion or another abroad
along the banks, who, seeing us, may guess what we are about and maybe
do likewise, whereby the stone may come to their hands and we shall
have lost the trot for the amble. Meseemeth (an you be of the same way
of thinking) that this is a business to be undertaken of a morning,
whenas the black may be the better known from the white, and of a
holiday, when there will be none there to see us.'
Buffalmacco commended Bruno's counsel and Calandrino fell in
therewith; wherefore they agreed to go seek for the stone all three on
the following Sunday morning, and Calandrino besought them over all
else not to say a word of the matter to any one alive, for that it had
been imparted to him in confidence, and after told them that which he
had heard tell of the land of Bengodi, affirming with an oath that it
was as he said. As soon as he had taken his leave, the two others
agreed with each other what they should do in the matter and
Calandrino impatiently awaited the Sunday morning, which being come,
he arose at break of day and called his friends, with whom he sallied
forth of the city by the San Gallo gate and descending into the bed of
the Mugnone, began to go searching down stream for the stone.
Calandrino, as the eagerest of the three, went on before, skipping
nimbly hither and thither, and whenever he espied any black stone, he
pounced upon it and picking it up, thrust it into his bosom. His
comrades followed after him picking up now one stone and now another;
but Calandrino had not gone far before he had his bosom full of
stones; wherefore, gathering up the skirts of his grown, which was not
cut Flanders fashion,[375] he tucked them well into his surcingle all
round and made an ample lap thereof. However, it was no great while
ere he had filled it, and making a lap on like wise of his mantle,
soon filled this also with stones. Presently, the two others seeing
that he had gotten his load and that dinner-time drew nigh, quoth
Bruno to Buffalmacco, in accordance with the plan concerted between
them, 'Where is Calandrino?' Buffalmacco, who saw him hard by, turned
about and looking now here and now there, answered, 'I know not; but
he was before us but now.' 'But now, quotha!' cried Bruno. 'I warrant
you he is presently at home at dinner and hath left us to play the
fool here, seeking black stones down the Mugnone.' 'Egad,' rejoined
Buffalmacco 'he hath done well to make mock of us and leave us here,
since we were fools enough to credit him. Marry, who but we had been
simple enough to believe that a stone of such virtue was to be found
in the Mugnone?'
[Footnote 375: _i.e._ not strait-cut.]
Calandrino, hearing this, concluded that the heliotrope had fallen
into his hands and that by virtue thereof they saw him not, albeit he
was present with them, and rejoiced beyond measure at such a piece of
good luck, answered them not a word, but determined to return;
wherefore, turning back, he set off homeward. Buffalmacco, seeing
this, said to Bruno, 'What shall we do? Why do we not get us gone?'
Whereto Bruno answered, 'Let us begone; but I vow to God that
Calandrino shall never again serve me thus, and were I presently near
him as I have been all the morning, I would give him such a clout on
the shins with this stone that he should have cause to remember this
trick for maybe a month to come.' To say this and to let fly at
Calandrino's shins with the stone were one and the same thing; and the
latter, feeling the pain, lifted up his leg and began to puff and
blow, but yet held his peace and fared on. Presently Buffalmacco took
one of the flints he had picked up and said to Bruno, 'Look at this
fine flint; here should go for Calandrino's loins!' So saying, he let
fly and dealt him a sore rap in the small of the back with the stone.
Brief, on this wise, now with one word and now with another, they went
pelting him up the Mugnone till they came to the San Gallo gate, where
they threw down the stones they had gathered and halted awhile at the
custom house.
The officers, forewarned by them, feigned not to see Calandrino and
let him pass, laughing heartily at the jest, whilst he, without
stopping, made straight for his house, which was near the Canto alla
Macina, and fortune so far favoured the cheat that none accosted him,
as he came up the stream and after through the city, as, indeed, he
met with few, for that well nigh every one was at dinner. Accordingly,
he reached his house, thus laden, and as chance would have it, his
wife, a fair and virtuous lady, by name Mistress Tessa, was at the
stairhead. Seeing him come and somewhat provoked at his long
tarriance, she began to rail at him, saying, 'Devil take the man! Wilt
thou never think to come home betimes? All the folk have already dined
whenas thou comest back to dinner.' Calandrino, hearing this and
finding that he was seen, was overwhelmed with chagrin and vexation
and cried out, 'Alack, wicked woman that thou art, wast thou there?
Thou hast undone me; but, by God His faith, I will pay thee therefor!'
Therewithal he ran up to a little saloon he had and there disburdened
himself of the mass of stones he had brought home; then, running in a
fury at his wife, he laid hold of her by the hair and throwing her
down at his feet, cuffed and kicked her in every part as long as he
could wag his arms and legs, without leaving a hair on her head or a
bone in her body that was not beaten to a mash, nor did it avail her
aught to cry him mercy with clasped hands.
Meanwhile Bruno and Buffalmacco, after laughing awhile with the
keepers of the gate, proceeded with slow step to follow Calandrino
afar off and presently coming to the door of his house, heard the
cruel beating he was in act to give his wife; whereupon, making a show
of having but then come back, they called Calandrino, who came to the
window, all asweat and red with anger and vexation, and prayed them
come up to him. Accordingly, they went up, making believe to be
somewhat vexed, and seeing the room full of stones and the lady, all
torn and dishevelled and black and blue in the face for bruises,
weeping piteously in one corner of the room, whilst Calandrino sat in
another, untrussed and panting like one forspent, eyed them awhile,
then said, 'What is this, Calandrino? Art thou for building, that we
see all these stones here? And Mistress Tessa, what aileth her? It
seemeth thou hast beaten her. What is all this ado?' Calandrino,
outwearied with the weight of the stones and the fury with which he
had beaten his wife, no less than with chagrin for the luck which
himseemed he had lost, could not muster breath to give them aught but
broken words in reply; wherefore, as he delayed to answer, Buffalmacco
went on, 'Harkye, Calandrino, whatever other cause for anger thou
mightest have had, thou shouldst not have fooled us as thou hast done,
in that, after thou hadst carried us off to seek with thee for the
wonder-working stone, thou leftest us in the Mugnone, like a couple of
gulls, and madest off home, without saying so much as God be with you
or devil; the which we take exceeding ill; but assuredly this shall be
the last trick thou shalt ever play us.'
Therewithal, Calandrino enforcing himself,[376] answered, 'Comrades,
be not angered; the case standeth otherwise than as you deem. I
(unlucky wretch that I am!) had found the stone in question, and you
shall hear if I tell truth. When first you questioned one another of
me, I was less than half a score yards distant from you; but, seeing
that you made off and saw me not, I went on before you and came back
hither, still keeping a little in front of you.' Then, beginning from
the beginning, he recounted to them all that they had said and done,
first and last, and showed them how the stones had served his back and
shins; after which, 'And I may tell you,' continued he, 'that, whenas
I entered in at the gate, with all these stones about me which you see
here, there was nothing said to me, albeit you know how vexatious and
tiresome these gatekeepers use to be in wanting to see everything;
more by token that I met by the way several of my friends and gossips,
who are still wont to accost me and invite me to drink; but none of
them said a word to me, no, nor half a word, as those who saw me not.
At last, being come home hither, this accursed devil of a woman
presented herself before me, for that, as you know, women cause
everything lose its virtue, wherefore I, who might else have called
myself the luckiest man in Florence, am become the most unlucky. For
this I have beaten her as long as I could wag my fists and I know not
what hindereth me from slitting her weasand, accursed be the hour when
first I saw her and when she came to me in this house.' Then, flaming
out into fresh anger, he offered to rise and beat her anew.
[Footnote 376: _Sforzandosi_, _i.e._ recovering his wind with an
effort.]
Bruno and Buffalmacco, hearing all this, made believe to marvel
exceedingly and often confirmed that which Calandrino said, albeit
they had the while so great a mind to laugh that they were like to
burst; but, seeing him start up in a rage to beat his wife again, they
rose upon him and withheld him, avouching that the lady was nowise at
fault, but that he had only himself to blame for that which had
happened, since he knew that women caused things to lose their virtue
and had not bidden her beware of appearing before him that day, and
that God had bereft him of foresight to provide against this, either
for that the adventure was not to be his or because he had had it in
mind to cozen his comrades, to whom he should have discovered the
matter, as soon as he perceived that he had found the stone. Brief,
after many words, they made peace, not without much ado, between him
and the woebegone lady and went their ways, leaving him disconsolate,
with the house full of stones."