as handsome a boy as ever was seen, but it must be acknowledged that he
was not very clever. Nature is, in most instances, very impartial; she
has given plumage to the peacock, but, as everyone knows, not the
slightest ear for music. Throughout the feathered race it is almost
invariably the same; the homeliest clad are the finest songsters. Among
animals the elephant is certainly the most intelligent, but, at the same
time, he cannot be considered as a beauty. Acting upon this well
ascertained principle, nature imagined, that she had done quite enough
for Jack when she endowed him with such personal perfection; and did not
consider it was at all necessary that he should be very clever; indeed,
it must be admitted not only that he was not very clever, but (as the
truth must be told) remarkably dull and stupid. However, the
Littlebrains have been for a long while a well-known, numerous, and
influential family, so that, if it were possible that Jack could have
been taught anything, the means were forthcoming: he was sent to every
school in the country; but it was in vain; at every following vacation,
he was handed over from the one pedagogue to the other, of those whose
names were renowned for the Busbian system of teaching by stimulating
both ends: he was horsed every day and still remained an ass, and at the
end of six months, if he did not run away before that period was over,
he was invariably sent back to his parents as incorrigible and
unteachable. What was to be done with him? The Littlebrains had always
got on in the world, somehow or another, by their interest and
connections; but here was one who might be said to have no brains at
all. After many _pros_ and _cons_, and after a variety of consulting
letters had passed between the various members of his family, it was
decided, that as his maternal uncle, Sir Theophilus Blazers, G.C.B., was
at that time the second in command in the Mediterranean, he should be
sent to sea under his command; the Admiral, having in reply to a letter
on the subject, answered that it was hard indeed if he did not lick him
into some shape or another; and that, at all events, he'd warrant that
Jack should be able to box the compass before he had been three months
nibbling the ship's biscuit; further, that it was very easy to get over
the examination necessary to qualify him for lieutenant, as a turkey and
a dozen of brown stout sent in the boat with him on the passing day, as
a present to each of the passing captains, would pass him, even if he
were as incompetent as a camel (or, as they say at sea, a cable,) to
pass through the eye of a needle; that having once passed, he would soon
have him in command of a fine frigate, with a good nursing first
lieutenant; and that if he did not behave himself properly, he would
make his signal to come on board of the flag-ship, take him into the
cabin, and give him a sound horsewhipping, as other admirals have been
known to inflict upon their own sons under similar circumstances. The
reader must be aware that, from the tenour of Sir Theophilus's letter,
the circumstances which we are narrating must have occurred some fifty
years ago.
When Jack was informed that he was to be a midshipman, he looked up in
the most innocent way in the world (and innocent he was, sure enough),
turned on his heels, and whistled as he went for want of thought. For
the last three months he had been at home, and his chief employment was
kissing and romping with the maids, who declared him to be the
handsomest Littlebrain that the country had ever produced. Our hero
viewed the preparations made for his departure with perfect
indifference, and wished everybody good-bye with the utmost composure.
He was a happy, good-tempered fellow who never calculated, because he
could not; never decided, for he had not wit enough to choose; never
foresaw, although he could look straight before him; and never
remembered, because he had no memory. The line, "If ignorance is bliss,
'tis folly to be wise," was certainly made especially for Jack:
nevertheless he was not totally deficient: he knew what was good to eat
or drink, for his taste was perfect, his eyes were very sharp, and he
could discover in a moment if a peach was ripe on the wall; his hearing
was quick, for he was the first in the school to detect the footsteps of
his pedagogue; and he could smell anything savoury nearly a mile off, if
the wind lay the right way. Moreover, he knew that if he put his fingers
in the fire that he would burn himself; that knives cut severely; that
birch tickled, and several other little axioms of this sort which are
generally ascertained by children at an early age, but which Jack's
capacity had not received until at a much later date. Such as he was,
our hero went to sea; his stock in his sea-chest being very abundant,
while his stock of ideas was proportionally small.
We will pass over all the trans-shipments of Jack until he was
eventually shipped on board of the _Mendacious_, then lying at Malta
with the flag of Sir Theophilus Blazers at the fore--a splendid ship,
carrying 120 guns, and nearly 120 midshipmen of different calibres. (I
pass over captain, lieutenant, and ship's company, having made mention
of her most valuable qualifications.) Jack was received with a hearty
welcome by his uncle, for he came in pudding-time, and was invited to
dinner; and the Admiral made the important discovery, that if his nephew
was a fool in other points, he was certainly no fool at his knife and
fork. In a short time his messmates found out that he was no fool at his
fists, and his knock-down arguments ended much disputation. Indeed, as
the French would say, Jack was perfection in the _physique_, although so
very deficient in the _morale_.
But if Pandora's box proved a plague to the whole world, Jack had his
individual portion of it, when he was summoned to _box_ the compass by
his worthy uncle Sir Theophilus Blazers; who in the course of six months
discovered that he could not make his nephew box it in the three, which
he had warranted in his letter; every day our hero's ears were boxed,
but the compass never. It required all the cardinal virtues to teach him
the cardinal points during the forenoon, and he made a point of
forgetting them before the sun went down. Whenever they attempted it
(and various were the teachers employed to drive the compass into Jack's
head) his head drove round the compass; and try all he could, Jack never
could compass it. It appeared, as some people are said only to have one
idea, as if Jack could only have one _point_ in his head at a time, and
to that point he would stand like a well-broken pointer. With him the
wind never changed until the next day. His uncle pronounced him to be a
fool, but that did not hurt his nephew's feelings; he had been told so
too often already.
I have said that Jack had a great respect for good eating and drinking,
and, moreover, was blessed with a good appetite: every person has his
peculiar fancies, and if there was anything which more titillated the
palate and olfactory nerves of our hero, it was a roast goose with sage
and onions. Now it so happened, that having been about seven months on
board of the _Mendacious_, Jack had one day received a summons to dine
with the Admiral, for the steward had ordered a roast goose for dinner,
and knew not only that Jack was partial to it, but also that Jack was
the Admiral's nephew, which always goes for something on board of a
flag-ship. Just before they were sitting down to table, the Admiral
wishing to know how the wind was, and having been not a little vexed
with the slow progress of his nephew's nautical acquirements, said,
"Now, Mr Littlebrain, go up, and bring me down word how the wind is; and
mark me, as, when you are sent, nine times out of ten you make a
mistake, I shall now bet you five guineas against your dinner, that you
make a mistake this time: so now be off and we will soon ascertain
whether you lose your dinner or I lose my money. Sit down, gentlemen; we
will not wait for Mr Littlebrain."
Jack did not much admire this bet on the part of his uncle, but still
less did he like the want of good manners in not waiting for him. He had
just time to see the covers removed, to scent a whiff of the goose, and
was off.
"The Admiral wants to know how the wind is, sir," said Jack to the
officer of the watch.
The officer of the watch went to the binnacle, and setting the wind as
nearly as he could, replied, "Tell Sir Theophilus that it is _S.W. and
by W. 3/4 W._"
"That's one of those confounded long points that I never can remember,"
cried Jack, in despair.
"Then you'll '_get goose_,' as the saying is," observed one of the
midshipmen.
"No; I'm afraid that I sha'n't get any," replied Jack, despondingly.
"What did he say, S.W. and by N. 3/4 E.?"
"Not exactly," replied his messmate, who was a good-natured lad, and
laughed heartily at Jack's version. "S.W. and by W. 3/4 W."
"I never can remember it," cried Jack. "I'm to have five guineas if I
do, and no dinner if I don't; and if I stay here much longer, I shall
get no dinner at all events, for they are all terribly peckish, and
there will be none left."
"Well, if you'll give me one of the guineas, I'll show you how to manage
it," said the midshipman.
"I'll give you two, if you'll only be quick and the goose a'n't all
gone," replied Jack.
The midshipman wrote down the point from which the wind blew, at full
length, upon a bit of paper, and pinned it to the rim of Jack's hat.
"Now," said he, "when you go into the cabin, you can hold your hat so as
to read it, without their perceiving you."
"Well, so I can; I never should have thought of that," said Jack.
"You hav'n't wit enough," replied the midshipman.
"Well, I see no wit in the compass," replied Jack.
"Nevertheless, it's full of point," replied the midshipman; "now be
quick."
Our hero's eyes served him well, if his memory was treacherous; and as
he entered the cabin door he bowed over his hat very politely, and said,
as he read it off, "S.W. and by W. 3/4 W.," and then he added, without
reading at all, "if you please, Sir Theophilus."
"Steward," said the Admiral, "tell the officer of the watch to step
down."
"How's the wind, Mr Growler?"
"S.W. and by W. 3/4 W.," replied the officer.
"Then, Mr Littlebrain, you have won your five guineas, and may now sit
down and enjoy your dinner."
Our hero was not slow in obeying the order, and ventured, upon the
strength of his success, to send his plate twice for goose. Having eaten
their dinner, drunk their wine, and taken their coffee, the officers, at
the same time, took the hint which invariably accompanies the latter
beverage, made their bows and retreated. As Jack was following his
seniors out of the cabin, the Admiral put the sum which he had staked
into his hands, observing, that "it was an ill wind that blew nobody
good."
So thought Jack, who, having faithfully paid the midshipman the two
guineas for his assistance, was now on the poop keeping his watch, as
midshipmen usually do; that is, stretched out on the signal lockers, and
composing himself to sleep after the most approved fashion, answering
the winks of the stars by blinks of his eyes, until at last he shut them
to keep them warm. But, before he had quite composed himself, he thought
of the goose and the five guineas. The wind was from the same quarter,
blowing soft and mild; Jack lay in a sort of reverie, as it fanned his
cheek, for the weather was close and sultry.
"Well," muttered Jack to himself, "I do love that point of the compass,
at all events, and I think that I never shall forget S.W. and by W. 3/4
W. No I never--never liked one before, though----"
"Is that true?" whispered a gentle voice in his ear; "do you love 'S.W.
and by W. 3/4 W.,' and will you, as you say, never forget her?"
"Why, what's that?" said Jack, opening his eyes, and turning half round
on his side.
"It's me--'S.W. and by W. 3/4 W.,' that you say you love."
Littlebrain raised himself and looked round;--there was no one on the
poop except himself and two or three of the after-guard, who were lying
down between the guns. "Why, who was it that spoke?" said Jack, much
astonished.
"It was the wind you love, and who has long loved you," replied the same
voice; "do you wish to see me?"
"See you,--see the wind?--I've been already sent on that message by the
midshipmen," thought Jack.
"Do you love me as you say, and as I love you?" continued the voice.
"Well, I like you better than any other point of the compass, and I'm
sure I never thought I should like one of them," replied Jack.
"That will not do for me; will you love only me?"
"I'm not likely to love the others," replied Jack, shutting his eyes
again; "I _hate_ them all."
"And love me?"
"Well, I do love you, that's a fact," replied Jack, as he thought of the
goose and the five guineas.
"Then look round, and you shall see me," said the soft voice.
Jack, who hardly knew whether he was asleep or awake, did at this
summons once more take the trouble to open his eyes, and beheld a fairy
female figure, pellucid as water, yet apparently possessing substance;
her features were beautifully soft and mild, and her outline trembled
and shifted as it were, waving gently to and fro. It smiled sweetly,
hung over him, played with his chestnut curls, softly touched his lips
with her own, passed her trembling fingers over his cheeks, and its warm
breath appeared as if it melted into his. Then it grew more
bold,--embraced his person, searched into his neck and collar, as if
curious to examine him.
Jack felt a pleasure and gratification which he could not well
comprehend: once more the charmer's lips trembled upon his own, now
remaining for a moment, now withdrawing, again returning to kiss and
kiss again, and once more did the soft voice put the question--
"Do you love me?"
"Better than goose," replied Jack.
"I don't know who goose may be," replied the fairy form, as she tossed
about Jack's waving locks; "you must love only me, promise me that
before I am relieved."
"What, have you got the first watch, as well as me?" replied Jack.
"I am on duty just now, but I shall not be so long. We southerly winds
are never kept long in one place; some of my sisters will probably be
sent here soon."
"I don't understand what you talk about," replied Jack. "Suppose you
tell me who you are, and what you are, and I'll do all I can to keep
awake; I don't know how it is, but I've felt more inclined to go to
sleep since you have been fanning me about, than I did before."
"Then I will remain by your side while you listen to me. I am, as I told
you, a wind----"
"That's puzzling," said Jack, interrupting her.
"My name is 'S.W. and by W. 3/4 W.'"
"Yes, and a very long name it is. If you wish me to remember you, you
should have had a shorter one."
This ruffled the wind a little, and she blew rather sharp into the
corner of Jack's eye,--however, she proceeded--
"You are a sailor, and of course you know all the winds on the compass
by name."
"I wish I did; but I don't," replied Littlebrain, "I can recollect you,
and not one other."
Again the wind trembled with delight on his lips, and she
proceeded:--"You know that there are thirty-two points on the compass,
and these points are divided into quarters; so that there are, in fact,
128 different winds."
"There are more than I could ever remember; I know that," said Jack.
"Well, we are in all 128. All the winds which have northerly in them,
are coarse and ugly; all the southern winds are pretty."
"You don't say so?" replied our hero.
"We are summoned to blow, as required, but the hardest duty generally
falls to the northerly winds, as it should do, for they are the
strongest; although we southerly winds can blow hard enough when we
choose. Our characters are somewhat different. The most unhappy in
disposition, and I may say, the most malevolent, are the north and
easterly winds; the N.W. winds are powerful, but not unkind; the S.E.
winds vary, but, at all events, we of the S.W. are considered the
mildest and most beneficent. Do you understand me?"
"Not altogether. You're going right round the compass, and I never could
make it out, that's a fact. I hear what you say, but I cannot promise to
recollect it; I can only recollect S.W. and by W. 3/4 W."
"I care only for your recollecting me; if you do that, you may forget
all the rest. Now you see we South Wests are summer winds, and are
seldom required but in this season; I have often blown over your ship
these last three months, and I always have lingered near you, for I
loved you."
"Thank you--now go on, for seven bells have struck some time, and I
shall be going to turn in. Is your watch out?"
"No, I shall blow for some hours longer. Why will you leave me--why
wo'n't you stay on deck with me?"
"What, stay on deck after my watch is out! No, if I do, blow me! We
midshipmen never do that--but I say, why can't you come down with me,
and turn in my hammock; it's close to the hatchway, and you can easily
do it."
"Well, I will, upon one promise. You say that you love me, now I'm very
jealous, for we winds are always supplanting one another. Promise me
that you will never mention any other wind in the compass but me, for if
you do, they may come to you, and if I hear of it I'll blow the masts
out of your ship, that I will."
"You don't say so?" replied Jack, surveying her fragile, trembling form.
"Yes, I will, and on a lee shore too; so that the ship shall go to
pieces on the rocks, and the Admiral and every soul on board her be
drowned."
"No, you wouldn't, would you?" said our hero, astonished.
"Not if you promise me. Then I'll come to you and pour down your
windsails, and dry your washed clothes as they hang on the rigging, and
just ripple the waves as you glide along, and hang upon the lips of my
dear love, and press him in my arms. Promise me, then, on no account
ever to recollect or mention any other wind but me."
"Well, I think I may promise that," replied Jack, "for I'm very clever
at forgetting; and then you'll come to my hammock, wo'n't you, and sleep
with me? you'll be a nice cool bedfellow these warm nights."
"I can't sleep on my watch as midshipmen do; but I'll watch you while
you sleep, and I'll fan your cheeks, and keep you cool and comfortable,
till I'm relieved."
"And when you go, when will you come again?"
"That I cannot tell--when I'm summoned; and I shall wait with
impatience, that you may be sure of."
"There's eight bells," said Jack, starting up; "I must go down and call
the officer of the middle watch; but I'll soon turn in, for my relief is
not so big as myself, and I can thrash him."
Littlebrain was as good as his word; he cut down his relief, and then
thrashed him for venturing to expostulate. The consequence was, that in
ten minutes he was in his hammock, and "S.W. and by W. 3/4 W." came
gently down the hatchway, and rested in his arms. Jack soon fell fast
asleep, and when he was wakened up the next morning by the
quarter-master, his bedfellow was no longer there. A mate inquiring how
the wind was, was answered by the quarter-master that they had a fresh
breeze from the N.N.W., by which Jack understood that his sweetheart was
no longer on duty.
Our hero had passed such a happy night with his soft and kind companion,
that he could think of nothing else; he longed for her to come again,
and, to the surprise of everybody, was now perpetually making inquiries
as to the wind which blew. He thought of her continually; and in fact
was as much in love with "S.W. and by W. 3/4 W." as he possibly could
be. She came again--once more did he enjoy her delightful company; again
she slept with him in his hammock, and then, after a short stay, she was
relieved by another.
We do not intend to accuse the wind of inconstancy, as that was not her
fault; nor of treachery, for she loved dearly; nor of violence, for she
was all softness and mildness; but we do say, that "S.W. and by W. 3/4
W." was the occasion of Jack being very often in a scrape, for our hero
kept his word; he forgot all other wind, and, with him, there was not
other except his dear "S.W. and by W. 3/4 W." It must be admitted of
Jack, that, at all events, he showed great perseverance, for he stuck to
his point.
Our hero would argue with his messmates, for it is not those who are
most capable of arguing who are most fond of it; and, like all arguers
not very brilliant, he would flounder and diverge away right and left,
just as the flaws of ideas came into his head.
"What nonsense it is your talking that way," would his opponent say,
"Why don't you come to the point?"
"And so I do," cried Jack.
"Well then, what is your point?"
"S.W. and by W. 3/4 W.," replied our hero.
Who could reply to this? But in every instance, and through every
difficulty, our hero kept his promise, until his uncle Sir Theophilus
was very undecided, whether he should send him home to be locked up in a
Lunatic Asylum, or bring him on in the service to the rank of
post-captain. Upon mature consideration, however, as a man in Bedlam is
a very useless member of society, and a tee-total non-productive,
whereas a captain in the navy is a responsible agent, the Admiral came
to the conclusion, that Littlebrain must follow up his destiny.
At last, Jack was set down as the greatest fool in the ship, and was
pointed out as such. The ladies observed, that such might possibly be
the case, but at all events he was the handsomest young man in the
Mediterranean fleet. We believe that both parties were correct in their
assertions.
Time flies--even a midshipman's time, which does not fly quite so fast
as his money--and the time came for Mr Littlebrain's examination. Sir
Theophilus, who now commanded the whole fleet, was almost in despair.
How was it possible that a man could navigate a ship, with only one
quarter point of the compass in his head?
Sir Theophilus scratched his wig; and the disposition of the
Mediterranean fleet, so important to the country, was altered according
to the dispositions of the captains who commanded the ships. In those
days, there were martinets in the service; officers who never overlooked
an offence, or permitted the least deviation from strict duty; who were
generally hated, but at the same time were most valuable to the service.
As for his nephew passing his examination before any of those of the
first, or second, or even of the third degree, the Admiral knew that it
was impossible. The consequence was, that one was sent away on a mission
to Genoa, about nothing; another to watch for vessels never expected,
off Sardinia; two more to cruise after a French frigate which had never
been built: and thus, by degrees, did the Admiral arrange, so as to
obtain a set of officers sufficiently pliant to allow his nephew to
creep under the gate which barred his promotion, and which he never
could have vaulted over. So the signal was made--our hero went on
board--his uncle had not forgotten the propriety of a little _douceur_
on the occasion; and, as the turkeys were all gone, three couple of
geese were sent in the same boat, as a present to each of the three
passing captains. Littlebrain's heart failed him as he pulled to the
ship; even the geese hissed at him, as much as to say, "If you were not
such a stupid ass, we might have been left alive in our coops." There
was a great deal of truth in that remark, if they did say so.
Nothing could have been made more easy for Littlebrain than his
examination. The questions had all been arranged beforehand; and some
kind friend had given him all the answers written down. The passing
captains apparently suffered from the heat of the weather, and each had
his hand on his brow, looking down on the table at the time that
Littlebrain gave his answers, so that of course they did not observe
that he was reading them off. As soon as Littlebrain had given his
answer, and had had sufficient time to drop his paper under the table,
the captains felt better and looked up again.
There were but eight questions for our hero to answer. Seven had been
satisfactorily got through; then came the eighth, a very simple
one:--"What is your course and distance from Ushant to the Start?" This
question having been duly put, the captains were again in deep
meditation, shrouding their eyes with the palms of their hands.
Littlebrain had his answer--he looked at the paper. What could be more
simple than to reply?--and then the captains would have all risen up,
shaken him by the hand, complimented him upon the talent he had
displayed, sent their compliments to the commander-in-chief, and their
thanks for the geese. Jack was just answering, "North----"
"Recollect your promise!" cried a soft voice, which Jack well
recollected.
Jack stammered--the captains were mute--and waited patiently.
"I must say it," muttered Jack.
"You shan't," replied the little Wind.
"Indeed I must," said Jack, "or I shall be turned back."
The captains, surprised at this delay and the muttering of Jack, looked
up, and one of them gently inquired if Mr Littlebrain had not dropped
his handkerchief or something under the table? and then they again fixed
their eyes upon the green cloth.