(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY
OF TOBY, M.P.)
_House of Commons, Tuesday, April 14._--Back to grindstone after so-called
Easter recess. Divisions reveal presence of aggregate of something less
than 200 Members. Watchful Whip, ever suspicious of ambush, succeeded in
mustering four-fifths of the whole. Ministerial majority maintained at
average of six-score.
Increased by a unit consequent on return of PREMIER after re-election by
faithful Fife. Towards close of Questions was discovered standing at Bar
awaiting SPEAKER'S call.
"Members desiring to take their seats will please come to the Table."
As he advanced, escorted by CHIEF WHIP and Scottish colleague, Liberals and
Irish Nationalists leaped to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs in
loyal greeting. Only the haughty Labour Member remained seated. Not for him
to pay court to chiefs of other parties, howsoever friendly. He is there as
representative of the Working Man; is neither to be bought nor sold, cowed
nor cajoled.
A fine spectacle. Pity Strangers' Galleries almost empty.
In process of swearing-in new Member nothing taken for granted. HALSBURY
discovered this when, far back in the last century, he, known at the time
as HARDINGE GIFFARD, came up to take his seat for Launceston. Challenged by
the Clerk for production of writ of return, made painful discovery that it
was not at hand. Sure he put it in his pocket when he left home; but which
pocket?
In full gaze of four hundred quizzical Members he proceeded to search. Was
there ever mortal man with so many pockets stuffed with such miscellaneous
contents as DISRAELI'S Solicitor-General littered the Table withal? In the
end--and its coming seemed interminable--the desired document was found
coyly hidden in his hat left on the seat he had occupied under the Gallery
awaiting summons to the Table.
The PRIME MINISTER, cool and businesslike as usual, had necessary document
ready. Handing it to the Clerk, he once more signed the roll of Parliament.
Then came critical moment, awaited with keen interest by House. The roll
signed, it is duty of Clerk to conduct new Member to SPEAKER and introduce
him by name.
"Mr. ASQUITH!" the Clerk announced.
[Illustration: THE NEW MEMBER.
_Mr. SPEAKER._ "Pleased to make your acquaintance, Sir. Somehow I seem to
know your face."]
With half start of surprise SPEAKER regarded newcomer; thought he
recognised him as he stood at the Table. All doubt now removed. Yes, it was
ASQUITH. With genial smile and friendly grip of the hand he welcomed the
new Member. Delighted Ministerialists cheered again at this happy
conclusion of the episode.
_Business done._--Committee stage of Bill pledging national credit for loan
to East African Protectorates entered upon. Not without opposition from
Ministerial benches. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS MORTON, of whom we hear little in
these degenerate days, insisted that this kind of charity should begin at
home--that is in the Highlands of Scotland. WEDGWOOD and THORNE thought
Government had gone far enough in the way of lavish expenditure of
tax-payers' money by providing them and others with salaries of L400 a
year. From other side of House BANBURY made several speeches in succession.
Division called and opposition swamped.
_Wednesday._--"Such larks!" as _Joe Gargery_ used to say to _Pip_ when they
met for confidential confabulation. Of all men it was COUSIN HUGH began
them. At first sight difficult to associate tendency to larkiness with
austerity of Member for Oxford University. But human nature is complex,
and, after all, COUSIN HUGH is only human.
In a former Parliament he was convicted of what was officially known as
loitering in the Lobby. It was a Wednesday afternoon, and in those days
debate automatically stood adjourned at half-past five. Business to the
fore related to Marriage with a Deceased Wife's Sister. Every prospect of
Resolution being approved if there were opportunity for division. The thing
to do was to prevent one taking place. Accordingly, when House divided on
Closure motion, COUSIN HUGH and his confederates were such an
unconscionably long time returning to their places that half-past five
struck before main question could be put from Chair. Debate accordingly
stood adjourned for indefinite period.
A fortnight ago another of those domestic questions which stir COUSIN
HUGH'S soul to the depths came up. At the ballot-box a Member secured
favourable position for motion relating to Divorce. COUSIN HUGH straightway
blocked it by a bogus Bill. Last Wednesday Opposition proposed on motion
for adjournment for Easter to attack Government from divers points of
compass. Ministerialists, taking leaf out of COUSIN HUGH'S book, put down
notices that blocked the whole lot. To-day PREMIER'S attention called to
the matter. Admits "situation is scandalous"; undertakes forthwith to
submit Resolution dealing with it.
Characteristically odd feature in case is that it was BROTHER BOB who
brought matters to a head by tabling a Resolution making impossible in
future the vagaries of COUSIN HUGH.
Which shows afresh how remarkable are the resources of a family rooted in
the spacious times of QUEEN ELIZABETH.
_Business done._--Criminal Justice Administration Bill read a second time.
_Thursday._--As at approach of Spring the time of the singing of birds
comes, and the voice of the turtle is heard in the land, so thus early in
the session the voice of the objector is heard in the House of Commons. On
days when Private Bills come up for consideration, there is a scene which
interests while it perplexes occupants of Ladies' Gallery, in whose full
view it is set. As soon as SPEAKER takes the Chair, before galleries are
open to male strangers, there enters from hidden staircase leading to
gallery over clock a procession of businesslike gentlemen. Silently,
swiftly, they flood what is known as Distinguished Strangers' Gallery.
Clerk at Table reads list of Private Bills awaiting second reading: (1)
Middlesbrough Corporation Bill, (2) Lurgan Gas and Electricity Bill, (3)
Northwich Urban District Council Bill. From one side or other of benches
below Gangway sounds a single word: "Object!" Title of next Bill on list
recited. Again the cabalistic word, and so on to end of catalogue. This
reached, anonymous Strangers in gallery rise and depart as swiftly, as
silently, as they came, and what is still known as Question-hour (though it
is limited to forty-five minutes) opens.
Whisper runs round Ladies' Gallery that mysterious Strangers are detachment
of Ulster volunteers out on drill. As a matter of fact they are solicitors
concerned for fate of private measures. With extreme rarity is a Private
Bill debated on second reading. As a rule that stage is formally conceded,
real work being done in select committees upstairs. One of the archaic
absurdities of legislative practice remaining in Commons is that a single
Member has autocratic power to delay progress of particular Bills
approaching Committee stage by murmuring or shouting a magic dissyllable.
Last Session TIM HEALY, offended at certain course taken by Board of Trade
in respect of Private Bill for which he was concerned, held up for a
fortnight the whole course of private legislation. At the end of that time
Government with a majority still a hundred strong capitulated. It was an
exceptionally weary time for solicitors filing in and filing out of the
Gallery, day by day passing and their Bill "getting no forrarder."
Fortunately in these cases there are two Bills that run concurrently. One
is the legislative measure to which a Member objects; the other the bill of
costs in which these daily attendances at the opening of successive
sittings, this mounting and descending of unsympathetic stairways, are
doubtless duly noted.
_Business done._--Irish Votes in Committee of Supply.
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[Illustration: THE THIRD TIME OF ASKING.]
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The POSTMASTER-GENERAL is making heroic efforts to improve the telephone
service. According to the current Post Office Circular the name of the
"Coed Talon" exchange has been altered to "Pontybodkin."
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