A LITTLE
BIT OF FLUFF
A Farce in Three Acts
BY
WALTER W. ELLIS
COPYRIGHT 1922 BY SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD.
_All rights reserved_
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SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. | SAMUEL FRENCH
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THIS PLAY IS FULLY PROTECTED BY COPYRIGHT
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Made and Printed in Great Britain by Butler & Tanner Ltd., Frome and
London
A LITTLE BIT OF FLUFF
CHARACTERS
JOHN AYERS (_pronounced_ "_Airs_").
BERTRAM TULLY _His friend._
NIXON TRIPPETT _Inspector of Claims for the Motor 'Bus Company._
DR. BIGLAND _Also for the Motor 'Bus Company._
PAMELA _Mrs. John Ayers._
MAMIE SCOTT _From the Five Hundred Club._
AUNT HANNAH _Mr. Tully's Aunt._
URSULA _Mr. Tully's Maid._
CHALMERS _Mrs. Ayers' Maid._
ACT I
SCENE.--_John Ayers' Flat in Bayswater, No. 13 St. Mark's Mansions._
_Two weeks elapse._
ACT II
SCENE.--_The same._
ACT III
SCENE.--_Mr. Tully's Flat--next door--No. 14 St. Mark's Mansions._
A LITTLE BIT OF FLUFF
Produced at The Criterion Theatre, London, October 27, 1915, with the
following cast of Characters:--
JOHN AYERS Mr. George Desmond.
BERTRAM TULLY Mr. Ernest Thesiger.
NIXON TRIPPETT Mr. Stanley Lathbury.
DR. BIGLAND Mr. Alfred Drayton.
PAMELA AYERS Miss Marjorie Maxwell.
MAMIE SCOTT Miss Ruby Miller.
AUNT HANNAH Miss Lilian Talbot.
URSULA Miss Violet Gould.
CHALMERS Miss Dulcie Greatwich.
A LITTLE BIT OF FLUFF
ACT I
SCENE.--_JOHN AYERS' Flat in Bayswater._
_The scene represents a room in the well-to-do flat of MR. JOHN AYERS,
in the district of Bayswater. A door to the R. leads into the bedroom
and another door L. leads to the hall and street. There are two French
windows at the back with balconies beyond. A fireplace R. above door.
Mirror on mantelpiece. Easy chair R. Table up R.C. above door, with a
pot of marguerites upon it--a writing-desk up L.C. with telephone. A
fancy table down L. with papers on it. A plan of the scene will be
found at the end of the Play. Telegraph boy's Knock and Ring heard off
L. CHALMERS, a maid, enters at L. with one telegram on salver and
crossing, meets PAMELA C. who has entered by door R. PAMELA is a smart
woman of thirty-five, handsome and beautifully gowned._
PAMELA. What is it, Chalmers? (_Seeing telegram._) Oh!
CHALMERS. Telegram, madam.
PAMELA. Thank you. (_Opens and reads--gives vent to a sigh of
satisfaction._) Hah! (_She thinks._)
(_Exit CHALMERS L. Telegraph boy's knock and ring again off L.
CHALMERS enters with second telegram._)
What's that?
CHALMERS (_still holding salver_). Another one, madam.
PAMELA. Oh! (_Reads again._) Yes--all right.
(_CHALMERS is going._)
Oh--a--Chalmers--I'm expecting three more----
CHALMERS. Telegrams, madam?
PAMELA. Y--es. Bring them to me directly they arrive.
CHALMERS. Very good, madam.
(_Exits L._)
(_PAMELA glances again at telegrams, and then going up, places them
carefully on table R.C. Door slam is heard off L. PAMELA surveys the
room quickly and noticing her hat on table down L. crosses over and
conceals it with papers, runs up to window L.C. and withdraws behind
the window curtains. JOHN AYERS enters door L. He looks very smart in
evening dress with coat and crush hat. He yawns and gazes sleepily
around. Then crosses to arm-chair humming a tune and taking off coat,
which he places over back of arm-chair, goes to mantelpiece over
fireplace and looks in mirror._)
JOHN. What a face!
(_Pulls himself together, takes vase from mantelpiece, places against
his forehead and exits down R., slams the door after him. PAMELA comes
from hiding-place and listens at door R., then picks up JOHN'S coat,
comes C. and searches the inside pocket, takes out letters, but finds
nothing incriminating, puts them back again. She pulls the sleeves of
the coat out and sniffs twice, and along whole length of sleeve, then
pulls necklace out of side pocket._)
PAMELA. Oh! Oh!
(_She replaces necklace and puts coat on back of chair left of table
R. Coming to door R. she taps loudly on it._)
JOHN (_heard off, irritably_). What is it?
(_PAMELA repeats the knocking, then crosses to C._)
(_JOHN is obviously changing his clothes and enters just with morning
trousers and braces showing._)
What is it? What the devil----? (_Surprised._) Oh! it's you, Pam. I
didn't know you were home. Haven't you been to Folkestone?
PAMELA. Of course I have. Mother wasn't well, so we came back
yesterday.
JOHN. Yesterday? Oh! Oh! oh! (_Strolls off R. to get his waistcoat and
jacket. Heard off._) Did you sleep at a--at mother's last night?
(_PAMELA does not answer, but is apparently annoyed._)
(_Re-enter JOHN buttoning waistcoat._)
I say, I suppose you slept at your mother's last night.
PAMELA (_grimly_). Where did _you_ sleep?
JOHN. Where did I sleep?
PAMELA. I'm _asking_ you.
JOHN. What a funny question to ask anyone! I slept at home--in
there--of course . . . obviously . . . naturally.
PAMELA. Whenever you adopt that innocent attitude I always know you
are telling me a wilful lie.
JOHN. I couldn't tell you a lie if I tried. Do you remember that
phrenologist we went to at Eastbourne? He told me I had an enormous
bump of veracity.
PAMELA. This is nothing to do with phrenology. Am I to believe that
you slept at home last night?
JOHN (_guiltily_). Y--yes, of course. Why?
PAMELA. I slept at home, too. Strange we didn't meet.
JOHN. Yes, that _is_ funny.
PAMELA. I locked that bedroom door from half-past eleven last night
until nine o'clock this morning.
JOHN. Well, if you lock the bedroom door, how can you possibly expect
me to sleep at home? Absurd! (_Getting into jacket._) No, I'll tell
you the whole facts of the case, Pam. We went to the--er--opera last
night.
PAMELA. We?
JOHN. Yes. My friend Tully and I. Tully had some tickets given him.
PAMELA. And you came home together?
JOHN. Y-yes. And--er--I slept at Tully's.
PAMELA. What opera did you go to?
JOHN (_broad gestures_). The--a--a--the--a--that's rather a silly
question. No one ever goes to an opera and remembers anything about
the performance.
PAMELA. But the name of the opera?
JOHN. Oh!--o-h! The name! (_With assumed confidence._) You mean what
the opera was called?
PAMELA. Exactly.
JOHN. The--er--the title?
PAMELA. Yes.
JOHN. Well--er--you know the--the opera where the girl comes on with a
sewing machine--no, you know what I mean--a spinning wheel; two long
plaits--Marguerite--Faust, that's it!
PAMELA. Faust?
JOHN. Yes, Faust--with the devil in it.
(_Business of putting fingers to forehead._)
PAMELA. And so you both went to see Faust?
JOHN. After that we came home. (_Crosses to L. laughing_). I remember
making a joke to Tully----
PAMELA. Never mind the joke.
JOHN. Well, it was just then that I missed my latchkey.
PAMELA. You missed your latchkey?
JOHN. And it was rather late to rouse Chalmers, so Tully offered me a
shakedown at his place, and I stayed there.
PAMELA. There's a good deal of _Tully_ about it. But if you lost your
latch-key, how did you get in just now?
JOHN (_smiling_). Oh, I found the key afterwards.
PAMELA. Well, give it to me.
(_JOHN hesitates._)
Give it to me, please. (_JOHN obeys. She goes up to fireplace._) While
I pay the rent of the flat----
JOHN. Oh, don't say that. It isn't cricket, Pam, to throw the rent up
in my face. After all, it was you who made me give up my office in the
city.
PAMELA. For the simple reason you were making----
JOHN. I was making a profit of five pounds a week!
PAMELA. And it was costing me another fifteen pounds to keep the
office open. (_Coming down to JOHN._) Now look here. I have enough for
both, so long as you do not work in the City.
JOHN. Well, I can't grub along on five pounds a week like some people.
PAMELA. Must I remind you that I have been allowing you forty pounds a
month?
JOHN. No, excuse me, dear; it was agreed between us that my allowance
should be fifteen pounds only.
(_Telegraph knock and ring off L._)
PAMELA. I'm quite aware it was agreed. But you keep borrowing on
account. Even now you are two years ahead with your money.
JOHN (_faintly_). As much as that?
PAMELA. Two years!
JOHN. How time flies! But I shall pay it back.
PAMELA. But let us keep to the point.
(_CHALMERS enters with three telegrams on salver._)
About last night----
JOHN. For me?
CHALMERS. No, sir, for the mistress.
PAMELA. Oh--er--Chalmers (_reading telegrams_). Will you just knock at
the flat next door and ask if Mr.--Tully is at home, and if so, will
he kindly look in here for a moment?
CHALMERS (_going_). Very good, madam.
JOHN. Chalmers, Chalmers. (_Beckoning CHALMERS to stop. To PAMELA._)
You dare not do such a thing!
PAMELA (_to CHALMERS_). Do as I tell you, Chalmers.
(_Exit CHALMERS._)
JOHN (_as CHALMERS is going off_). Chalmers--Cha--Cha--(_Turns to
PAMELA._) You are not going to show me up before my friends?
PAMELA. There will be no showing up, John, if what you say is true.
(_Moves up to table R.C._).
JOHN. No, no, of course not. (_Moves to telephone._)
PAMELA. Besides, I don't suppose your friend Tully would give you
away. Men are such cunning brutes.
JOHN (_with a burst which he checks instantly_). Aha!
(_PAMELA looks round, then goes on reading telegrams. At back,
whispering into telephone._)
Give me Regent 346, Regent 346----
PAMELA (_without turning_). It's no use your 'phoning Mr. Tully. I
should be bound to hear what you said.
JOHN (_innocently_). I was only trying to get him to come up, dear.
PAMELA. Chalmers is quite capable of taking a message.
JOHN (_rising and crossing to PAMELA_). Hang it all, Pam, don't you
believe what I've told you.
PAMELA (_turning sharply to JOHN._) _Not--one--word!_
JOHN. Why not?
PAMELA. This morning I sent a reply-paid wire to your friends at Kew.
JOHN. Harry Crombeley?
PAMELA. Yes--asking if you stopped there last night. This is his
reply. (_Hands wire._) Read it. Read it out please.
JOHN (_takes wire gingerly. Reads_). "Yes, John stayed here last
night." (_Aside._) Silly owl!
PAMELA. Well?
JOHN. Dear old Harry! I expect he thought you would be worrying about
me. He's very thoughtful is Harry. (_Gives wire back._)
PAMELA. Wait! I also sent a wire to your friend Blakiston at
Kensington asking the same question. His reply--(_handing second wire
to JOHN._)
(_JOHN amazed._)
--read it--read _that_ out, please.
JOHN (_takes wire--reads_). "Yes, John stayed here last night."
(_Pauses._) Well now, I can tell how this happened. (_Gives back
wire._)
PAMELA. Wait! Don't commit yourself. I sent three other wires to Mr.
Marshall, Gus Stanhope and Drayling. They all reply that you stayed
with _them._ Read for yourself! (_Hands wires to JOHN, which he does
not take._)
JOHN. I can explain it all, dear! You see they were probably all
together, and they thought they would put a spoof up on dear old John.
They're all jolly good friends.
PAMELA. Yes--they must all be very very good friends, or else they
must have a shocking opinion of your habits.
JOHN. I can explain everything.
PAMELA. I believe you could explain the Tower of London away, but you
can't have slept in six different beds in one night, unless you were a
sleepwalker.
JOHN. I still maintain that I slept last night at Tully's.
PAMELA. We shall see. (_Places telegrams on table R.C._)
(_Enter CHALMERS._)
CHALMERS. Mr. Tully, madam.
(_Holds door open until TULLY is on, then exits, closing the door.
TULLY is rather a spare man--with drooping moustache and rather
sanctimonious and miserable-looking. He enters and stands just above
the small table down L., nervously twisting his hands._)
JOHN (_on TULLY'S entrance JOHN makes a dive for TULLY_). I say,
Tully--didn't I----
PAMELA (_catches JOHN by right arm and pulls him down R., advances to
TULLY._) How do you do, Mr. Tully? (_Shakes hands._)
TULLY. How d'ye do, Mrs. Ayers? Morning, John!
JOHN. Morning, Tully.
PAMELA. Good morning?
JOHN. Ah, you see he wasn't up when I left this morning, lazy beggar!
PAMELA (_centre--to TULLY_). I have to apologize, Mr. Tully, for
bringing you out----
TULLY. Oh, not at all.
PAMELA. But we--er--John and I are in a little difficulty, and if you
could see your way to answer a few questions, it would be doing us a
great favour, and it might save both of us lifelong misery.
JOHN. My wife won't believe that I----
PAMELA (_to JOHN_). Will you be quiet! You're breaking down the one
slender thread that holds our married life together--I want Mr.
Tully's version of last night without your assistance. (_Turning to
TULLY._) Now, may I ask, did you have anyone staying with you last
night at the flat?
TULLY (_shaking his head_). N--o--not to my knowledge.
(_JOHN is pointing to himself frantically._)
PAMELA. No one stayed at your place at all?
TULLY (_seeing JOHN_). Oh--er--(_with a gulp_)--John stayed there!
(_PAMELA turns quickly, almost catches JOHN pointing to himself. JOHN
makes a dive for book on table R.C., and turns pages over quickly._)
PAMELA (_turns again to TULLY_). But just now you said no one stayed
there.
TULLY. We--we never count John as anybody.
JOHN (_rubs hands with glee_). No, dear, I'm nobody.
PAMELA (_gives JOHN a freezing look--then again to TULLY_). Now would
you mind telling me how you passed the evening?
TULLY. Last night? (_Looking at JOHN._)
PAMELA. Last night.
TULLY. Well, we--er--let me think. We--er--yes--
(_JOHN points to window._)
--we went out.
PAMELA. And where did you go, might I ask?
(_JOHN is gesticulating with one hand on his chest and openmouthed as
in opera._)
TULLY (_failing to interpret JOHN'S signals_). It's rather difficult
to remember off-hand--one night is so very much like another.
PAMELA. Try to think.
(_JOHN still gesticulating and openmouthed._)
TULLY. I think we must have been in a boat on the Serpentine.
(_PAMELA turns quickly. JOHN goes up to table R.C. and smells
marguerites. TULLY very embarrassed._)
JOHN. These are very beautiful flowers, dear. Did these come from
_Covent Garden?_
PAMELA. Please don't interrupt.
TULLY. Oh, now I remember--it's about _last_ night you want to know?
PAMELA. Last night!
TULLY. Oh, last night we went to Covent--to--to--to the opera.
(_JOHN nods and smiles at TULLY._)
John had tickets given to him.
JOHN (_annoyed_). No, no--those tickets were given me to give to you.
They were a present from Mr. Baxter.
TULLY. Oh, I didn't quite understand. I must write and thank Mr.
Baster.
JOHN. Baxter! Baxter!!
TULLY. Baxter--Baxter----
PAMELA. Who _is_ Mr. Baxter?
JOHN. Don't you know, dear?
PAMELA. Do you?
JOHN. Of course--he's Mr. Baster--Baxter.
PAMELA (_to TULLY_). And did you enjoy the opera?
TULLY. Not very much. I really prefer the singing down at our chapel.
PAMELA. What opera was it?
TULLY. I don't think I noticed.
PAMELA. Didn't notice!
JOHN. Of course not, dear--no decent person ever does--it's bad form.
PAMELA. Silence! (_To TULLY._) Haven't you any idea of the name of the
opera?
TULLY. Not for the moment--er--er----
(_JOHN points to pot of marguerites._)
I--er--Daisy--Daisy Daydreams?
PAMELA. I can't say I have ever heard of an opera of the name of Daisy
Daydreams.
(_JOHN is now holding a plait made from his handkerchief to the back
of his head._)
TULLY (_watching JOHN_). Was it something to do with--er--something
hanging from the back of the head?
PAMELA. And you can't remember the name of the opera?
TULLY. Not for the moment.
(_JOHN points to marguerites again._)
_Are--you--sure_--it wasn't Daisy--or Daisies--or Marguerite--er--
(_JOHN nods his head._)
Marguerite!--er--er--_Faust_, of course!
JOHN. Yes, dear, Faust, of course!
(_PAMELA turns quickly to JOHN._)
JOHN (_just as quickly turns his back_). Now are you satisfied?
PAMELA. And after you left the opera? (_To TULLY._)
TULLY. We came home.
PAMELA. What induced John to sleep at your place, seeing your door is
next to ours?
(_JOHN signalling key in door and then lost._)
TULLY. Oh, he couldn't find his keyhole.
(_PAMELA turns quickly round to JOHN._)
JOHN. No, no, dear! We simply went to the opera and saw Daisy--Faust,
I mean--came out--had a drink--I told Tully I couldn't find my
_key_--I suppose he thought I said _key-hole_--he offered me a
shake-down and I stayed there. And I think such a clear explanation
ought to satisfy anyone.
PAMELA (_doubtfully_). Yes, I suppose so.
JOHN (_going to fireplace_). Then everything is quite in order? (_Very
satisfied._)
(_TULLY sighs._)
PAMELA (_doubtfully_). Y--y--es, y--y--es, except (_picking up JOHN'S
coat with left hand_) could either of you explain this?
JOHN (_coming down to PAMELA_). That's my coat!
PAMELA. No (_taking necklace from pocket with right hand and holding
it up_) _this!_
(_Pause--JOHN and TULLY both amazed._)
TULLY. Oh, that's nothing to do with _me._
JOHN. What is it, dear? What is it?
PAMELA. A pearl necklace. (_turning to TULLY_) I suppose _you_ don't
wear pearl necklaces, do you, Mr. Tully?
TULLY. No, no!
JOHN. I can tell you all about that, dear. I saw that in a shop window
and I picked it up very cheaply. I'm sure it's a bargain.
PAMELA. And who was it intended for, may I ask?
JOHN. Who should I buy pearl necklaces for?
PAMELA. For me--for me, I suppose. (_Boiling with rage and throwing
coat up to settee C._)
JOHN. Of course--naturally. Ask Tully!
(_TULLY goes to chair by telephone L.C., stands perfectly still,
unnerved--JOHN below table R.C. stands blinking and looking into
space._)
PAMELA (_goes to table down L., uncovers her hat, picks it up--goes
towards door R. As she passes JOHN_). Oh! (_Goes to door R., opens
door._) Oh! (_Exits door R. Bangs door after her._)
TULLY (_flopping into chair he is standing by_). Oh! I'm all of a
tremble!
JOHN (_crosses up to settee--puts coat on settee--then up to TULLY_).
You're a boiled-headed owl!
TULLY. If you had told me yesterday that you could lie like that I
should never have believed you.
JOHN (_coming down R._). You did your share very well.
TULLY. What's going to happen now?
JOHN. She'll probably pack up and go home to her mother's.
TULLY (_rising and crossing to JOHN_). John, where _did_ you go last
night?
JOHN. I took a little friend out to dinner and then we went on to the
Palace, and after that we had supper at the Five Hundred Club. We
watched them dancing and had a dance or two ourselves, but it's
perfectly absurd if a man can't have a little innocent enjoyment and a
couple of dances with a little bit of fluff without all this absurd
fuss.
TULLY. But the hour?
JOHN. At the Club we kept it up a bit late, that's all. We had
breakfast at Jimmy Dawson's flat and cooked bacon and eggs.
TULLY. Won't you promise never to do such a thing again?
JOHN (_crossing to L._). I'll promise never to poach an egg in an
opera hat again. I can't possibly live without some relaxation now and
then.
TULLY. But must you really go out and about with little bits of
flu--flu--fluff?
JOHN. Most certainly if I want to. What have you got to say to that?
TULLY. Oh, dear, dear, dear!
JOHN. Everything would have been all right only you were so infernally
stupid about the opera. I'm sure "Marguerite and plaits" was perfectly
clear. If you had only said "Faust" without any hesitation everything
would have been all right.
TULLY. But it's so risky. They play a different opera every night at
Covent Garden.
JOHN. I know they do. I wonder what they _did_ play? Where's the
newspaper? (_Looking round for paper--seeing paper on table R. below
door--crosses over--gets paper._) Here it is. (_Crosses to TULLY._)
Now if my luck's in they played "Faust" (_both look at paper
together_) last night--here we are--theatres--last night--Covent
Garden--Pictures!! (_JOHN tears the paper in two--gives half to
TULLY._) Here, tear that up (_handing other half_) and this bit
too--get rid of it somehow.
(_TULLY tears paper in pieces and puts bits in handkerchief pocket._)
(_JOHN crosses to door R._)
TULLY. How do you think you will get out of this?
JOHN (_crossing C._). Quite easily. Tact and diplomacy. (_Offering his
head to TULLY._) Feel that bump--they say I have a bigger bump of tact
than Lloyd George.
TULLY (_feeling head_). Oh, I say----
(_Both stand to attention as PAMELA re-enters R., wearing a hat and
carrying a small suitcase--the pearl necklace is also in her hand. She
crosses over to door R., not looking at either of the men and dabbing
her face with a handkerchief as if crying. She stops as JOHN speaks._)
JOHN. Pam--Pam----
PAMELA (_coming down to table L. and placing suitcase on table_). I am
going home to mother's. You'll hear from her later, and probably the
solicitors.
JOHN. Well, Pam. I think you're awfully silly, and after I've bought
you a pearl necklace too.
PAMELA. I doubt very much if the necklace _was_ intended for me.
JOHN. Oh, Tully, did you hear that? The only woman in the world I have
ever loved! (_Sinking into chair left of table R.C._)
TULLY (_who has been standing watching very nervously by table with
telephone L.C.: crosses to PAMELA_). I don't think you ought to say
such things, Mrs. Ayers. (_PAMELA shrugs shoulders and turns back on
him. He crosses to JOHN._) Do leave us for a few moments, John--I----
JOHN (_rising_). But, Tully, I----
TULLY. I'll put it all right.
JOHN. But, Tully. I----
(_JOHN is persuaded to go off R. by TULLY. JOHN exits muttering--TULLY
shuts door._)
TULLY (_crossing to PAMELA_). One moment, Mrs. Ayers. You know I feel
somehow that I am to blame for all this. I don't want to pose as a
hyper-religious man, but every one says I'm very good, and I wouldn't
deceive you for the world. I'm sure that necklace was intended for
you.
PAMELA (_opening suitcase_). Well, in any case, I value my feelings at
something more than a--a--a one-and-elevenpenny pearl necklace.
(_Drops necklace into case and shuts it._)
TULLY. Really I think you are doing John an injustice. I don't think
you quite understand his little ways.
PAMELA. I understand as much as is fit for me to understand.
TULLY. No, really, I know John doesn't behave in a conventional manner
as a rule, but he is quite harmless.
PAMELA (_raging--up to TULLY--then crossing down R._). Harmless!
Harmless! A man who can sleep in six different beds in one
night--harmless! (_Throwing arms up on last "harmless."_)
TULLY. Six! Impossible! It would be a record.
PAMELA (_up to table R.C., picks up bundle of telegrams--hands them to
TULLY_). Read for yourself.
TULLY. "John stayed here, Kew." (_Reading._) "John stayed here,
Bloomsbury." "John stayed, Barnes." Kensington--Bloomsbury to Kew--Kew
to Kensington--Kensington to Barnes. It couldn't be done in the time!
Oh, I can quite understand this. It's all John's friends--all anxious
to shield him from the fury of his wife.
PAMELA (_angrily_). I beg your pardon!
(_Snatches telegrams from TULLY._)
TULLY. I mean all anxious to shield him from your displeasure. John
has such a host of good friends. There isn't one who wouldn't lay down
his life for him. Why, John's one of the best in the world.
PAMELA (_crossing to L. by table down L._). I am quite a broad-minded
woman, Mr. Tully. I don't expect men to be angels. But there's a limit
to everything.
TULLY (_crossing to PAMELA_). I quite agree with you in that, Mrs.
Ayers, but as a broad-minded woman you must see that a man like John
wants a little relaxation, and there's really no harm if he does go
out to dinner occasionally with--what was it he called them?--little
pieces--no, little bits of fluff.
PAMELA (_madly_). What? What??? (_TULLY recoils--PAMELA follows him up
to C._). You expect _me_ to sit at home while my husband goes out with
little--bits--of--fluff!!!
TULLY (_pulls out handkerchief with pieces of paper_). Well--you
know--it's a term--a joke--(_Tries to conceal pieces of paper with his
feet._)
PAMELA. I'm surprised, Mr. Tully, that your mission teaching should
have put such ideas into your head--(_crossing to table picking up
case_) as little bits of--fluff!--Good day!
(_Exit PAMELA down L., banging door behind her. The front door is then
heard to slam. TULLY stands looking into space for a time--then
proceeds to pick up torn paper._)
JOHN (_cautiously peeping in door R._). What are you doing?
TULLY. Sweeping up "Covent Garden."
JOHN (_crossing to R.C._). Has she gone?
TULLY. Y-y-es. I'm so sorry, John.
JOHN (_crosses to TULLY_). That's all through your meddling in things
that don't concern you.
TULLY. Did you really sleep in six different beds?
JOHN. Oh, don't be silly.
TULLY. Is there any chance of her returning?
JOHN. Of course she'll come back! She does this sort of thing about
every fortnight.
TULLY. Do you sleep out as often as that?
JOHN. No! She does it with the idea that I shall go and fetch her
back.
TULLY. Well, why don't you?
JOHN. Because once I do that my authority will be gone. She'll treat
me like a child, and leave home two or three times a day. Things have
never gone so badly as this before.
TULLY. I think the pearl necklace did it, don't you?
JOHN (_suddenly aroused_). Hah, the necklace! Where is it? Where is
it? Have you got it?
TULLY. No, no. Why should I have it?
JOHN. Then where is it? Where is it? The necklace! (_Looks about
wildly for the necklace._) Look for it! Don't stand there like an
anæmic camel! Look for it!
TULLY (_jumping about in a silly fashion_). Where? Where?
JOHN. Everywhere--all over the place. Perhaps it's on the floor--look
for it. (_Both look about for the necklace._) Ah, it may be under the
table. (_They both dive under the table from opposite ends--their
heads collide--they both come up holding their heads in pain._) Can't
you see where you are going?
TULLY. I can only see stars.
JOHN. Your head's like iron. But where's the necklace? (_Moving
arm-chair from right of table R.C. to below table about 3 feet._)
That's the question.
TULLY. I've got it!
JOHN. Where?
TULLY. No--not the necklace--I've got an idea.
JOHN. Oh----
TULLY. I expect Mrs. Ayers took it. You practically gave it to her,
didn't you?
JOHN (_aghast_). You think she took it?
TULLY. Yes, I remember now--while I was talking to her just now I saw
her drop it into her bag.
JOHN. Are you sure? (_Crossing to L._)
TULLY. It doesn't matter--you can get it back from her.
JOHN (_still looking about for necklace_). She'll never part with
it--she loves jewellery.
TULLY. Well, you can easily buy another. (_Putting hand in pocket._)
I'll lend you the one-and-elevenpence.
JOHN. One-and-elevenpence! One-and-elevenpence! Do you know _that
necklace is worth five hundred_ pounds!!
TULLY. Five hundred pounds!!
JOHN. Yes. It was lent to little Mamie Scott by the Rajah of
Changpoor. She took a fancy to the necklace, and he lent it to her to
wear just for the evening. There was a big crush as we came out of the
club last night, and Mamie asked me to put the necklace in my pocket
for safety's sake, as the clasp was broken, which I did, of course.
Apparently we both forgot all about it. She'll be in an awful stew.
She promised faithfully to return the necklace to the Rajah to-day.
TULLY. Oh, dear, dear, dear!
JOHN. Oh, damn, damn, damn! What can I do? What can I say? What will
Mamie think of me.
(_TULLY is twiddling the chair R.C. about._)
Oh, don't footle about with that chair!
TULLY (_stops footling_). Is there no way of getting it back from Mrs.
Ayers.
JOHN. I tell you she'll never part with it, and she may not be home
for several days, possibly a week. In the meantime the Rajah will be
clamouring for his pearls . . . I shall be branded as a--well, there's
no telling what it may lead to. Great Heavens! What a hole to be in!
(_Crossing to chair L. down stage._)
TULLY. Couldn't you tell Miss Fluffie Scott you've lost it and buy her
another.
JOHN. Didn't you hear me say that necklace cost five hundred pounds?
TULLY (_twirling chair round on one leg_). Yes, that is awkward.
JOHN. Oh, do put that chair down! (_Advancing to TULLY._)
TULLY (_sits C._). Couldn't you borrow the money?
JOHN (_crossing, sits down L._). Don't be a fool.
TULLY. It's easy enough. I had a letter from someone only this
morning, offering to lend me any sum from £10 to £10,000, without any
security. He enclosed his photograph. Such a nice, kind, honest open
face.
JOHN. You innocent lamb! Well, I suppose if I can't give it back I
shall have to find the money.
TULLY. You will? Oh, it is a fix! (_Biting his nails._)
JOHN (_rises, goes up to TULLY_). I say, Tully, I suppose you don't
happen to have five hundred that you don't want.
TULLY. Not that I don't want.
JOHN. Poor old Tully! You never seem to have any money. I don't know
what you live on. Are you sure you get enough to eat?
TULLY. You know, John, if I had the money I couldn't refuse you. You
do know that, don't you, John?
JOHN (_patting TULLY on back_). Of course I do, dear old Tully! Dear
old Tully! (_Comes down L._)
TULLY (_rising_). Why do you always call me by my surname, when I call
you John. I do wish you'd call me Bertram. Do you know when anyone
calls me Bertram, I feel _I could do any mortal thing in the world for
them!_
JOHN. Well, you get me out of this hole and I'll call you Bertram till
I bust. (_Sits down L._)
TULLY. Will you? I think I know where you could get the money. (_Comes
down to JOHN._)
JOHN (_rising suddenly_). Where? Where?
TULLY. Sit down! (_JOHN sits._) Keep calm! Dick Turner thinks the
world of you. . . .
JOHN. Yes, I know, but he hasn't much money.
TULLY. I know, I know. But he was in a 'bus accident last Friday and
he's claiming £500 compensation from the Motor 'Bus company.
JOHN. He'll never get it.
TULLY. Oh, I think he will. In fact it's nearly settled. And if you
approach him in the matter, I feel sure he would lend you the £500.
JOHN. But _I_ was in that 'bus with him coming from Kew.
TULLY. That's right--coming from Kew.
JOHN. And if Dick Turner could get five hundred, I'm positive I could.
TULLY. Well, I'm sure he's going to get it.
JOHN. But there was scarcely any damage done. I didn't receive a
scratch, neither did Dick Turner. I was thrown forward on top of a fat
old woman sitting opposite.
TULLY. Still you can't always tell at the time of the
accident--injuries sometimes develop afterwards.
(_Business of drawing patterns on carpet with foot._)
JOHN (_rises and crosses slowly R._). Yes, of course, especially after
you've seen your solicitor.
TULLY. Er--I----
JOHN. Don't talk to me--my brain's working.
TULLY. You know, John, in all cases of 'bus accidents the 'Bus
Companies have to pay out according to what the doctors think.
JOHN. The question is to _make_ the doctors think. Why should Dick
Turner get five hundred, and I get nothing?
TULLY. I suppose he was really injured.
JOHN. Don't talk, don't talk! I've got the most wonderful brain.
(_Hand to forehead._)
TULLY. Have you?
JOHN. Yes. Feel that bump!
TULLY (_obeys_). Oh!--did you get that under the table?
JOHN. No, silly ass, it's a natural bump. (_Excited._) It's all so
simple. It's wonderful how I get myself out of every difficulty. Now,
will you run down to the doctor's for me! (_Going up to telephone._)
The last block of flats, you know?
TULLY. Doctor Green?
JOHN (_looking through Telephone Book for number_). Yes! That's it.
Ask him to call at once.
TULLY. John! You're not going to pretend to the doctor that you are
ill?
JOHN. Now don't ask any questions.
TULLY. Oh no, John! (_Working fingers along back of arm-chair._) I
couldn't do a thing like that. It's not fair--it's not honest.
(_Protests in action against the suggestion until JOHN says "BERTRAM,"
when a broad smile comes across his face._)
JOHN (_rising and crossing to TULLY--pleadingly_). Bertram!
(_Affectionately._) Bertram!!!
TULLY (_giggles affectedly_). Oh! John! (_Crossing to door L._) Oh!
John! (_Giggles._) Oh! John! (_Giggles till off door L. Quick exit._)
JOHN (_goes to telephone. At 'phone_). Give me Regent
one--four--three--six quickly, Miss, please. . . . Yes. . . . Hullo!
hullo! are you the Motor Omnibus Company? . . . Yes, yes. Mrs. John
Ayers speaking! (_Adopting a feminine voice._) _Mrs._ John Ayers.
. . . Yes . . . my husband was in that terrible 'bus accident you had
last Friday coming from Kew. Yes . . . my _husband!_ And he's very ill
indeed. Yes . . . eh? (_Dropping into his own voice._) Oh! speak up! I
can't hear a damned word you're saying. (_Hand over 'phone for a
second--then resuming in feminine voice._) Oh! He didn't notice it at
the time. He has witnesses to prove everything. Eh? I can't hear.
. . . Oh, you'll send your inspector round to look into it . . . eh?
You'll send your inspector round to look into it. Oh, very good, but
don't send him immediately as the patient is asleep. Eh? . . . yes, in
about half an hour's time . . . we're quite close to your depot . . .
we're quite close to your depot . . . number 13 St. Mark's Mansions.
Yes--very well--thank you--Good-bye! (_Puts up receiver. He looks
round and takes off jacket. CHALMERS enters L._) What is it? What is
it?
CHALMERS. A lady to see you, sir. (_She smiles._)
JOHN. To see me! What are you laughing at?
CHALMERS (_pulls herself together_). Miss Scott, I think she said.
JOHN. Good Lord! Oh--I'm busy--dressing for breakfast--not at home.
(_Crossing to door R._)
(_CHALMERS is going._)
Wait! I'd better see her. (_Opens door with right hand--holding it
open._) Show her in here.
CHALMERS (_in doubt_). In there, sir? (_Pointing to door R._)
JOHN (_pointing back into room with left hand_). No. Here! Here!
(_Exit down R._)
(_Exit CHALMERS door L._)
(_CHALMERS shows in MAMIE SCOTT. She is a girl about 27, petite but
pretty, dressed with many furbelows and other fluffy things. She looks
around, as she enters, with a swagger air, sees CHALMERS smiling,
freezes her with a look. CHALMERS straightens herself and goes off
door L. with nose in air. MAMIE looks round room humming or singing a
tune, places parasol on settee at back, and comes down C. Enter JOHN,
undoing collar and tie._)
MAMIE. Hullo, Jack!
JOHN. Hullo, you dear little thing! (_In a playful temper._) But you
mustn't come here--really.
MAMIE. Why not? I thought you said the cat was away at Folkestone?
JOHN. And please don't call my wife a cat.
(_Exit JOHN into room R._)
MAMIE (_with an elaborate curtsy_). Oh, I beg the cat's pardon.
(_Sweeping round room she sees photograph on table L.C._). Say Jack,
whose picture's this?
JOHN (_spoken off_). Which one?
MAMIE. This one, here, by the telephone!
JOHN (_spoken off_). Oh, that is my wife.
MAMIE. Your wife? Some girl! She's not the sort of first wife I'd pick
out if I was going to be your second.
JOHN (_spoken off_). Why not?
MAMIE. Looks too darned healthy--I'd have to wait too long for you.
(_Enter JOHN door R._)
JOHN. She's come home unexpectedly.
MAMIE (_jumps in terror, and makes a dive for vanity bag she has
placed on table L.C._) Jack!
JOHN. Oh, it's all right. She's out just now.
MAMIE. Phew! You _did_ give me a fright!
JOHN. But it's true--she _is_ home, all the same.
(_Exit into room R._)
MAMIE. Well, come out here and talk to me. I won't keep you long.
JOHN (_spoken off_). I can't--I'm only half dressed.
MAMIE. Well, I'll come in there. (_Crossing to door R._)
JOHN. No, no, this is a bedroom.
MAMIE. I'm not afraid of bedrooms!
JOHN (_spoken off_). Give me a minute--just a minute!
MAMIE. Come out as you are. I'm not particular.
JOHN (_spoken off_). I won't be two ticks.
MAMIE (_loudly_). Right-o! (_Sits in arm-chair down R.C. and commences
to powder her face._) I say, Jack! Do you know that you didn't give me
back the necklace last night!
(_JOHN enters and creeps off again._)
(_A little louder._) I say, Jacko! do--you--know--you didn't
give--me--back that necklace--last night? (_The words slightly
smothered by using powder puff on mouth._)
(_Enter JOHN in dressing-gown._)
JOHN. I say, Mamie, that hat does suit you! You look awfully sweet!
MAMIE. You go on, Jack. You're the champion long-distance kidder in
the universe.
JOHN (_crossing to left of MAMIE_). But I mean it. It suits you
awfully.
MAMIE. Oh, awfully! (_Mockingly._) Do you know you didn't give me back
the necklace last night--you know--the pearl necklace?
JOHN (_hesitating_). No, er--I know I didn't. We both forgot all about
it, didn't we?
MAMIE (_laughing_). We did. (_Both laugh amusedly, thinking it a great
joke._)
JOHN. I left it in my coat, and I left the coat at the club.
MAMIE (_rising--alarmed_). Jack. It isn't lost?
JOHN (_pressing her gently into chair_). Sit down. Sit down and don't
worry. It can't be lost. If it is, I'll buy you another, that's all.
MAMIE. Five--hundred--pounds!
JOHN. Yes. I can't forget that! But it's a mere flea-bite to me.
MAMIE. Jack, you don't understand, the Rajah looks on it as an
heirloom--he wouldn't part with it for the world--that's why I wanted
to wear it--it was such a cute idea. But I promised faithfully to
return it to the Rajah to-day.
JOHN. Can't you make some excuse?
MAMIE. How can I? Have you been to the Club?
JOHN. No, I can't possibly go down there for a day or two--for a
particular reason.
MAMIE. Oh, I _do_ hope it isn't lost. Can't you 'phone?
JOHN. Oh, yes. I _did_ 'phone, but the club 'phone seems to be out of
order.
MAMIE. That's torn it! What _will_ the Rajah think of me!
JOHN. Now don't worry. If you'll only wait everything will be all
right. In any case if it is lost, I'll buy you another exactly like
it. I can't say more, can I?
MAMIE. You really mean that?
JOHN. Of course I do--I never break my word. I'm even going to get
some money to-day--out of accidents--I mean, in case of accidents.
Now, listen! I'm awfully glad you've called. My wife's left me!
MAMIE (_rising and throwing arms round JOHN'S neck_). Jack--darling!
JOHN (_gently but firmly disengaging her arms_). Yes, but only for a
little while--and I want you to do me a favour.
MAMIE. Of course I will, Jack.
JOHN. I'm expecting a man here presently to examine me.
MAMIE. To examine you?
JOHN. Yes, I'm very ill, you know--I was in a 'bus accident the other
day, and--er--things have been getting worse.
MAMIE. Poor old Jack! I _am_ sorry. (_Pulling his face to her with
hand under his chin._) But you don't look ill.
JOHN (_turning face again to front_). No, I'm one of those who bear up
to the last! Now, listen, when this man calls I want you to pretend
that I'm bad. Of course I _am_ bad, but while he's here I am sure to
be a little worse. Mrs. Ayers--that is me--has been speaking to him on
the 'phone and naturally when he comes he'll expect to see me--that
is--Mrs. Ayers--I--I see, you don't understand.
MAMIE (_very sympathetically_). Jack, dear, you haven't injured your
head, have you?
JOHN. No, it's quite all right. Nothing to do, but--er--don't say
you're my wife. Just pat me on the head now and then and moan "Poor
John"--you understand? . . .
MAMIE. Yes, I understand. "Poor John." But say, this is spoof, you're
not really ill, Jack, are you?
JOHN. Of course not--oh, yes, I am--but don't worry, I'm going to get
better. Just "poor John!" Lay it on thick!
MAMIE. I see--"Poor John." (_Crosses up to mantelpiece, removes hat
and tidies her hair at glass._)
(_TULLY enters hurriedly, sees MAMIE, makes a bolt for door L. JOHN
catches him by coat and pulls him back._)
TULLY. It's all right, John--(_as he enters_).
JOHN (_to MAMIE_). Excuse me a moment.
TULLY (_to JOHN_). Doctor Green was out, but they'll send him round
directly he comes back. He's out on a case--about a poor little
woman--a poor little woman--(_whispers in JOHN'S ear_) who . . .
(_then aloud_) both--both doing well.
JOHN. Well, that's more than we can say. Now I must go and finish
dressing, or rather undressing. (_Sees MAMIE._) Oh, let me introduce
you to little Mamie Scott.
TULLY (_alarmed_). Is she--is she--fast!
JOHN. Fast?
TULLY. Is she a hussy?
JOHN. You'll like her immensely, come on.
TULLY (_in terror_). No, no! I couldn't. I've never spoken to anyone
like that in my life.
JOHN (_taking hold of TULLY_). Don't be a fool.
TULLY. Oh, no, no! What would they think of me down at the
Mission--besides I wouldn't know what to say to her.
JOHN. Why not?
TULLY. I've never met a fluff.
JOHN. You do get hold of the most extraordinary expressions. (_Calling
to MAMIE._) Mamie! Let me introduce you to a very old chum of mine.
Mr. Bertram Tully--Miss Mamie Scott.
(_JOHN crosses to door R. MAMIE crosses over to TULLY._)
MAMIE (_taking TULLY'S hand_). Oh, what a beautiful boy! (_Pulls a
long face._)
JOHN. Talk to him, Mamie. He has a wonderful flow of conversation. I
shan't be long.
(_Exit JOHN door R._)
(_MAMIE beckons TULLY with head and eyes--and edges down to arm-chair
R. Sits. TULLY, very nervous, edges down to chair L. Sits._)
TULLY (_playing with bottoms of his trouser legs and trying to make
conversation_). Do you ever go--er--go--go---- No! (_Tries again._)
Would you like to--to--to---- No! (_Has another try._) It's--it's
wonderful how the fine weather lasts!
MAMIE (_very amused all the time_). Ripping, isn't it?
TULLY. Yes, isn't it?
MAMIE. Are you married?
TULLY. No, I regret to say.
MAMIE. A bit of luck in store for some one.
TULLY. Oh, thank you!
MAMIE. I expect you have a gay old time.
TULLY (_twiddling his fingers down his leg_). No, not so very gay.
. . .
MAMIE. I know--you're a fly-by-night.
TULLY. No, I assure you all my people are most respectable.
MAMIE. Well then, you're a dark horse.
TULLY (_mystified_). A dark--horse?
MAMIE. You know, one of those outsiders who comes up with a rush on
the rails at the last minute, and wins by a short head. Do you get me?
TULLY. I don't quite understand what you mean.
MAMIE. I mean you _can_ go the pace when you like. (_She raises her
dress and picks a piece of fluff from the hem--blows it into space._)
TULLY. No, I don't go. . . . (_Sees MAMIE exposing a deal of leg--he
is very embarrassed--wipes his forehead with handkerchief._) No, I
don't go at all! (_Rising, and backing away from her._)
MAMIE. What do you do to amuse yourself?
TULLY. I go to chapel on Wednesdays and Saturdays (_doing a sort of
Skating Act with legs and twisting backwards and forwards_) and I
attend the Mission on Tuesdays and Fridays. (_Again down to her and
seeing leg, stumbles backwards and wiping forehead with handkerchief
keeps up this business, doing a sort of skating waltz._)
MAMIE. Did they teach you that ragtime down at the Mission? (_Jumping
up._) I like your drunken step--I must get hold of that! (_Catches
TULLY and forces him round the room as if dancing a ragtime--MAMIE
sings and dances as well._)
TULLY (_breaks away from MAMIE and rushes to door R. and knocking on
door--feverishly_). John! John!
JOHN (_spoken off_). What is it? What is it?
TULLY. I'm being tempted!
JOHN (_spoken off_). Well, stick it! Don't be a fool!
(_TULLY rushes up to window R. then down again to arm-chair. MAMIE
follows him up and down on L. side of table. She motions to him with
her eyes, coyly, to sit in arm-chair, he succumbs. Sits gingerly on
front of chair. MAMIE sits on arm of chair and puts right arm round
his neck. TULLY snatches it away nervously._)
MAMIE. Now tell me, what's this Mission for?
TULLY. It's for the poor people. (_Sees MAMIE'S exposed ankle--turns
away nervously._) We give them musical evenings to keep them out of
the public-houses. I play the flute.
MAMIE. You do what?
TULLY. I play the flute.
MAMIE. Oh, help!
TULLY. Oh, they like it!
(_Bell heard outside door L._)
MAMIE (_starting_). I wonder what that is? (_Goes to door R. calling
to JOHN._) Jack! Jack! There's a ring at the bell--do you think it can
be the cat?
TULLY (_rising and going up C._). A cat wouldn't ring the bell surely.
(_Enter JOHN dressed in pyjamas and dressing-gown, from door R._)
JOHN. She couldn't possibly be here yet awhile whatever happened.
(_Enter CHALMERS L. with card on salver--and crosses to JOHN._)
And please don't call my wife a cat!
MAMIE. I'm sorry. (_Sits in arm-chair._)
JOHN (_reading card_). Good! Show him in at once. (_To CHALMERS._)
(_Exit CHALMERS door L._)
It's Mr. Nixon Trippett!
MAMIE. Mr. How Much?
JOHN. Mr. Nixon Trippett--the Inspector from the Motor 'Bus
Company--the man I told you about who's going to examine me. Sit down,
and ask him to wait. Say I shan't be long.
TULLY (_perplexed_). What have we got to do?
JOHN. Mamie will tell you all about it.
(_Exit JOHN R._)
MAMIE. Now, listen here, Bertie Brighteyes.
TULLY. Oh, stop it! (_Down C._).
MAMIE. All we've got to do is to keep on saying "Poor John!"
TULLY. Poor John!
MAMIE. I'm to pretend I'm John's wife.
TULLY. Poor John!
MAMIE (_rising_). What do you mean?
(_NIXON TRIPPETT enters, shown on by CHALMERS. He is a very ugly man
of forty, dressed in frock coat and wearing spectacles. He is almost
shabby genteel. CHALMERS retires--TULLY nervously retreats from MAMIE
and seeing TRIPPETT advances with uncertainty._)
TULLY (_to TRIPPETT_). Poor John! I mean Mr. Ayers won't be a minute.
Will you take a seat. (_Brings chair down from table L.C. and places
it C. in a line with arm-chair R. and small chair L._)
TRIPPETT (_places hat on table L.C. and coming down to chair C._).
Thank you, sir. (_All sit. MAMIE in arm-chair. TRIPPETT chair C. TULLY
chair L._) Thank you, sir. (_Removes gloves._)
(_JOHN groans loudly off R._)
(_All rise slowly and simultaneously with eyes fixed on door R., then
sit again._)
(_JOHN groans again very loudly. All rise. MAMIE gets behind
arm-chair. TRIPPETT drags chair up to table L.C. keeping eyes on door
R. all the time. TULLY stands by chair L. gazing at door R._)
(_JOHN enters groaning from door R.; he is in pyjamas, with a blanket
wrapped round him. MAMIE assists him into arm-chair, JOHN groaning all
the time._)
TRIPPETT (_advancing timidly to JOHN_). Er--Mr. Ayers--are you the
injured person?
JOHN. Oh--oh--oh oh!! (_Groans._)
TRIPPETT (_again advancing cautiously_). Might I ask if you are the
injured person?
JOHN. Don't I look like it. Do you think I'm doing this to be funny?
MAMIE (_patting JOHN'S head_). P-o-or John!
TULLY. Poor John!
TRIPPETT (_glares at TULLY--then over to him_). Do you think it would
be advisable for me to call another day?
JOHN. No, it's all right, I can stick it.
MAMIE. He's awfully brave, you know.
TRIPPETT. You ought to have kept in bed. (_Going to table R.C._) It
would have been better if I hadn't let you know I was coming. (_Places
gloves on table._)
JOHN. Oh no, it wouldn't.
MAMIE. Poor John!
TULLY. Poor John!
TRIPPETT (_gazes first at MAMIE and then at TULLY_). Well now, may I
ask a few questions that will help me to make out my report? (_Pulls
notebook and pencil out and looks round for something to write on._)
JOHN. Yes, ask as many as you like. (_To TULLY._) Bring that table
over for Mr. Stickson Triplets.
TRIPPETT. _Not_ Stickson Triplets! _Nixon Trippett!_
(_TULLY brings small table from down L. and places it on left of
arm-chair. TRIPPETT brings chair from left of table R.C. and places it
on left of small table._)
JOHN. I beg your pardon.
(_TULLY moves round to back of arm-chair on left of MAMIE._)
TRIPPETT (_sits and preparing to write in notebook_). Now then,
Mr.--_John_ Ayers, isn't it?
JOHN. Yes, John Ayers.
(_TRIPPETT writes._)
Oh, my back! Oh!
MAMIE. Poor John!
TULLY. Poor John!
TRIPPETT (_looks at TULLY, then writing again_). Tell me, Mr. Ayers,
are you married?
JOHN. Of course! (_Absent-mindedly taking TULLY'S hand in mistake for
MAMIE'S and places it by his face. Realizing his mistake he throws it
away calling him a "silly ass" and then taking MAMIE'S hand._) Yes, of
course!
TRIPPETT. Any--family?
MAMIE. Yes.
JOHN. No!!
TRIPPETT (_writing in book_). Yes _and_ no. What is your height?
JOHN. Four feet four and a bit.
TRIPPETT. Age?
JOHN. Forty-two.
TRIPPETT. Chest measurement?
JOHN. Forty-two, too.
TRIPPETT. Ever been vaccinated?
JOHN. Well, my godfather was Mr. Tully and my godmother was----
TRIPPETT. I said vaccinated----
JOHN. Oh, I beg----
TULLY. Oh no, he never catches anything!
TRIPPETT (_writing again_). Now, Mr. Ayers, you say you were
travelling in one of the company's 'buses when this accident took
place.
JOHN. Of course I was--last Friday--coming from Kew. Oh! (_Groans._)
MAMIE. Poor John!
TULLY. Poor John!
JOHN (_to MAMIE_). I'm afraid you won't have me with you much longer,
darling!
MAMIE. A-a-h! O-w-h! (_Cries aloud._)
TULLY (_leaning over and looking into TRIPPETT'S face_). It's hard to
see him struck down like this!
(_TRIPPETT rises slightly annoyed. TULLY retreats to window R., then
out of window and in by window L., starts back when he sees TRIPPETT
still watching and pointing at him with his pencil._)
TRIPPETT (_resuming_). Could you tell me who was inside the 'bus, or
describe the people in any way?
JOHN. There was a Mr. Richard Turner----
TRIPPETT (_breaking in_). Yes, we have acknowledged _his_ claim. A
cheque for five hundred was sent him this morning.
JOHN (_jumping up and leaning over to TRIPPETT_). What!!! (_Recovering
himself and sitting again._) Oh, it's only a spasm, that's all, oh, I
_am_ bad!
TRIPPETT. Could you describe anyone else who was in the 'bus?
JOHN. There were two soldiers in khaki and a _very fat old woman._
(_TRIPPETT writes. TULLY sidles round to back of arm-chair again._)
TRIPPETT. Did these people make any statement or pass any remark?
JOHN. When the collision occurred some one said it was like being out
at the front.
TRIPPETT. The stout lady said that.
(_MAMIE turns away smiling. TULLY shows surprise and disgust._)
JOHN. No, Mr. Trippett. The soldier!
MAMIE. Poor John!
TULLY (_who is now on left of TRIPPETT--pats TRIPPETT'S head_). Poor
John!
TRIPPETT (_turns on TULLY very annoyed, then back to JOHN_). Now may I
ask--why didn't you report this at the time?
JOHN. How could I? I was too stunned, I suppose.
TRIPPETT. I quite appreciate what you say, Mr. Ayers, but it's one of
our rules that you should have lodged your complaint at the time the
accident occurred.
JOHN. I suppose if a man was killed stone dead, he ought to leave his
name and address.
TRIPPETT. If he knew where he was going. But in this case the
situation is rather difficult. The Mr. Turner you mentioned just now
informed us that he was the only passenger injured in the accident and
the other occupants of the 'bus rather bear out his statement.
JOHN. How does he know? He couldn't see my back!
TRIPPETT. You see, you have no witnesses. (_Shrugs._)
JOHN. No witnesses indeed! Oh yes, I have. Don't you run away with any
idea like that. My friend Tully here was sitting next to me in the
'bus the whole of the time!
(_TULLY almost collapses._)
TRIPPETT. Oh, indeed--indeed!
TULLY (_quickly and very agitated--down to L. of TRIPPETT_). But I
make no claim! Indeed I don't. No. I make no claim! I make no claim at
all!
TRIPPETT. I don't think I have your name and address?
TULLY. Mr. Bertram Josiah Tully. (_Very important._) Number 14 Saint
Mark's Mansions.
TRIPPETT (_writing--then to TULLY_). And you yourself were not
injured?
TULLY. Not at present--I mean, not a scratch!
MAMIE. Poor John!
TULLY. Poor John!
TRIPPETT (_looks at JOHN_). How do you account for that, if he was
sitting next to you, Mr. Ayers?
JOHN. When the collision came I fell forward on the two soldiers--they
had been in training for months and were as hard as nails, and
naturally I sprained my back, while Mr. Tully here shot forward right
on top of _the fat old woman!_
TRIPPETT. And not hurt?
JOHN. She was _enormously fat!_
TRIPPETT (_to TULLY, who is now up again behind arm-chair_). And did
_you_ pass any comment at the time?
JOHN. No, but the woman did!
TULLY. I think I said, "Oh, dear, dear, (_pause_) dear!"
JOHN. Of course I shall have to take proceedings against your company
if it costs me every penny my wife's got. I mean, that I've got!
TRIPPETT. I don't think that will be necessary, Mr. Ayers, our company
is a very generous one, and although we cannot acknowledge any legal
obligation we like to treat our passengers as fairly as we can----
JOHN. I'm sure you do.
TRIPPETT. We like to make friends----
JOHN. You have a friendly face, Mr. Trippett.
TRIPPETT. We want to see you riding in our 'buses again.
JOHN. Mind you, I like your 'buses.
TULLY. They're such a pretty colour.
(_MAMIE digs TULLY in ribs._)
TRIPPETT. And if this matter could be settled at once, I'm sure you
would be most satisfied.
JOHN. I'm sure I should.
TRIPPETT. Now speaking without prejudice, what sum of money do you
fancy would compensate you?
JOHN (_to MAMIE_). What do you think, dear?
(_TULLY signalling five hundred on fingers._)
You see, there'll be all the doctor's expenses, a terrible loss of
time and money--probably funeral expenses----
MAMIE. Ah--a--a--h. (_Sobs._)
TULLY. Ah--a--a--h. (_Sobs._)
MAMIE (_sobs_). I can't bear it!
JOHN (_to TRIPPETT_). Suppose we say five hundred--without prejudice,
as you say.
TRIPPETT (_raises his eyebrows_). I'm afraid that's quite out of the
question. Do you realize what five hundred means? I'm afraid we
couldn't entertain anything like that. But I'll tell you what I _will_
do. If you like to settle the matter off-hand now and give me your
signature. I'll pay down at once, the sum of--(_taking note from
pocket and presenting it to JOHN_)--five pounds.
JOHN. Don't be absurd!
TRIPPETT. A five-pound Bank of England note, Mr. Ayers; you could go
away for a nice little holiday on a five-pun' note.
JOHN (_rises, anger rising_). Really I think you've come here to
insult me.
TRIPPETT. Certainly not, Mr. Ayers--and without prejudice I think you
would be well advised to accept my offer.
JOHN (_up to TRIPPETT_). And without prejudice I think you're a silly
ass! (_TRIPPETT rises._)
MAMIE (_comforting JOHN_). Don't upset yourself, John.
JOHN. Why doesn't he offer me a bag of nuts or a balloon!!
TRIPPETT (_getting gloves from table R.C._). I'm sorry you look at
things in that light, Mr. Ayers. (_TULLY during this speech gets
TRIPPETT'S hat and holds it perched high up on his right hand, with
his other hand he holds the door L. open._) All I can do is to hand in
my report. (_Going left._) The company's doctor will come and examine
you, and the matter will be out of my hands. (_Knocks into TULLY, sees
hat, takes it, bows to TULLY, goes to door L., turns._) I wish you
good-day, sir, (_to JOHN_) and I hope you'll soon get better.
(_Exit L. TRIPPETT, followed by TULLY._)
JOHN. I don't think I shall--£5 for a broken back!
TULLY (_rushing on from door L._). It's all right, John--Mrs. Ayers
has come back.
JOHN. What!!
MAMIE. Your wife, Jack! Hide me!
JOHN (_MAMIE tries to get under table R.C. JOHN pulls her back_). No,
that way! Hide her, Tully. (_TULLY wandering aimlessly about. JOHN
pushes him up to window R.C. MAMIE gathers up hat, etc., and goes
window R.C. TULLY gets MAMIE'S parasol from settee and JOHN pushes him
out of window._) Quick behind those curtains and take those things
away. (_Throwing MAMIE'S gloves after TULLY._)
(_JOHN gets into easy chair quickly, with blanket still round
him--groans._)
(_Enter PAMELA door L._)
PAMELA (_seeing JOHN, alarmed_). John! John! I didn't expect to find
you like this.
JOHN. And I didn't expect to see you back _quite_ so soon.
PAMELA. I've come to say I'm sorry. Mother has seen that necklace you
gave me--(_placing her bag on table down C._)--and she says it's worth
five hundred pounds----
JOHN. Mother knows!
PAMELA. But it _is_ valuable.
JOHN. Of course it is. Instead of spending my money on riotous living
I've been spending it on you.
PAMELA. How good of you! But do tell me, what has happened?
JOHN. Don't be alarmed. You know I was in a 'bus accident the other
day?
PAMELA. You were not hurt.
JOHN. Things have developed since. I think they are going to
compensate me.
PAMELA (_joyfully_). Then, you are not really ill? (_Goes down below
table._)
JOHN (_rising_). That depends--I am going into that bedroom (_pointing
R._), and I'm not coming out until that 'bus company gives me five
hundred pounds, not if I've got to lie there for a month!
PAMELA. Oh, don't say that, John!
JOHN. I know what I'm doing--I'll teach them to offer me a balloon--I
mean a five-pound nut--no, not nut--note. Now please go and get the
bed ready. (_Leading PAMELA to door R._)
PAMELA. But John----?
JOHN. Do go--to oblige me--I'm expecting the doctor here at any
minute. (_Pushes PAMELA off door R._)
(_JOHN signals to TULLY, who drags MAMIE out by the hand--they come
down a few steps._)
Quick--quick as you can----
(_PAMELA re-enters. TULLY and MAMIE get behind curtains again
quickly._)
PAMELA. But, John, it may be weeks and weeks before these people pay
out the money----
JOHN (_holding blanket high up to obscure PAMELA'S view of the room_).
Now, do please, do as I ask you, if the doctor finds me out of bed,
it'll ruin me.
PAMELA (_going back into room R._). Oh, very well!
(_Exit PAMELA._)
(_JOHN signals and TULLY drags MAMIE across to door L._)
JOHN. Go on! Hurry up! Hurry up!
(_They are nearly across to door when PAMELA re-enters._)
PAMELA (_enters_). But, John, it's just occurred to me----
(_TULLY and MAMIE turn and PAMELA faces them. JOHN falls over blanket
down R. TULLY still holds MAMIE'S hand, in his other hand he has
MAMIE'S parasol._)
JOHN. Oh--er--I don't think you have met before.
PAMELA (_slowly_). I--don't--think--we--have.
JOHN. Let me introduce you. This is my wife (_pointing to PAMELA_),
and this is (_pointing to MAMIE_)--this is--this is Mrs. Tully!
TULLY (_drops MAMIE'S hand--thunderstruck_). What!!
PAMELA (_doubtfully_). Mrs.--Tully?
JOHN. Yes, he was married _secretly_ a week ago.
TULLY (_boiling with rage_). Oh--I say!!
(_MAMIE turns her ring round to look like wedding ring and holds hand
up conspicuously._)
JOHN. I'm sorry to let the cat out of the bag, old man, but it can't
be helped!
TULLY (_rushes across stage in front of table and arm-chair, with
MAMIE'S sunshade raised in a threatening manner_). John! John!
JOHN (_kneeling to TULLY--pleadingly_). _Bertram! Bertram!!_
TULLY (_TULLY'S face relaxes and develops into a broad smile_). Oh,
John! John!! (_Giggles._)
(_PAMELA and MAMIE shake hands C._)
CURTAIN.