Fury imaginable; the Silence of the Night and Want of Sleep, as I have
heard those skilled in Love Affairs say, are great Advantages to an
invading Lover; these are the best Times in which to storm a Lady's
Fortress: This, I suppose, the Doctor well enough knew, and therefore
carried on the Siege with Vigour, and, before Three in the Morning, the
young Lady had capitulated, and surrendered upon Articles; which the
Doctor tells the old Man of with abundance of Pleasure, who, you may be
sure, bids the Doctor Joy: The Doctor desires the old Man to get him a
Pillion, which, indeed, the old Man had before provided; and away goes
the Doctor and his Lady, and were that Day married.
The Doctor did not stay long at the Place of Marriage, but privately
returns to his own House, where he acquainted some of his Friends of his
Enterprise, who highly applauded his Ingenuity; but he enjoined them all
to Secrecy for some Time. The Doctor daily expected a Hue and Cry after
Mrs. _Anne_; but, hearing nothing of it, he concluded the Servants had
some how or other concealed the Story from her Father; but his Friends
advised him by all Means to go to the Justice, and acquaint him with
what he had done with his Daughter, and beg his Pardon for so doing, as
a Means of Reconciliation.
The Doctor understanding the Justices of the Peace were to meet that Day
about some particular Business in the Town; he went to enquire for the
Justice, whom he only knew by Sight, and the Justice had no other
Knowledge of the Doctor. The Doctor, in his best _Pontificalibus_'s,
comes to the Place of Meeting, which was an Inn, and asks the Drawer,
whether Esquire ---- was there; who answered, he was: He bids him shew
him a Room, and go tell the Esquire, that Doctor ---- desired to speak
with him; the Esquire desires the Doctor to come to him and the rest of
the Gentlemen, they having at that Juncture no Business before them; but
the Doctor sends Word again that his Business was private, and he
heartily intreated the Esquire to come to him, upon which the Esquire
comes: The Doctor he falls on his Knees, and begs his Pardon; the
Esquire was surprised, as knowing nothing of the Matter, and, being
unwilling to be homaged by the Church, he desires the Doctor to rise, or
otherwise he would talk no farther with him; the Doctor refused to do it
till such Time as he had his Pardon: The Esquire, knowing of no Offence,
freely gave him a Pardon; which done, the Doctor arises, telling him, he
was sorry that one in his Coat should be guilty of such a Crime: The
Esquire, being still in the Dark, replied, he knew no Crime he was
guilty of: Sir, says the Doctor, I have married your Daughter: Married
my Daughter, says the Esquire, you are certainly mistaken, Doctor. It is
certainly true, says the Doctor. Says the Esquire in a great Passion,
How long have you been married to my Daughter? I have lain with her
these three Nights, says the Doctor: Says the Esquire, you are strangely
mistaken, Doctor, for I left my Daughter at Home this Morning. Says the
Doctor, you are strangely imposed upon by your Servants, therefore be so
kind as to go to my House and see your Daughter, who is there at this
present. The Esquire, in an odd Sort of Confusion, goes along with him
to the House, and, being conducted into the Parlour where Madam sat in
State on her Couch, the Esquire burst out into a Fit of Laughter, and,
going to the Lady, salutes her, and wishes her much Joy, and then told
the Doctor the Mistake; for, says he, this Lady is my Servant ---- the
Hedger's Daughter _Joan_, dressed in my Daughter's Cloaths. The Doctor,
being astonished for some Time, recovers himself, comes up to her, takes
her in his Arms, and, kissing her, says, If thou art _Joan_, I will love
thee as well as if thou hadst been Mrs. _Anne_. And, for aught I know,
she made him as good a Wife; for, though she perfectly kidnapped the old
Child, yet they lived very comfortably together.
_Politica._ I can nick your Story with one of a Clergyman, that was as
indifferent about a Portion as yours was curious. Mr. _G----_, a
Minister in _Suffolk_, and of a considerable Estate, lived without
Thoughts of Marriage, till the Age of fifty Years; at which Time one of
his Parishioners put him in Thoughts of Matrimony. He said he had been
so intent on his Studies, that he never thought of a Wife; but that now,
if he could find out a good one, he would marry. The Gentleman told him,
such a Person about twelve Miles off had three Daughters, either of
which would make him a good Wife, but their Fortunes were but small; the
Parson said, he knew the Gentleman very well, but did not know he had
any Daughters; and, as for Money, that was a Thing he did not value. The
Parson in a short Time gives the Gentleman a Visit, who made him very
welcome, not knowing the Design of his Coming; but the Parson told him,
that he heard he had three Daughters, and one of them would make him a
good Wife. The Gentleman replied, he had three Daughters, and that he
hoped they would prove to the Satisfaction of any Person who should
marry them, and told him either of them was at his Service: The Parson
said, they were all alike to him; but, since it was usual to marry the
Eldest first, he would take her; the Gentleman replied with all his
Heart. Upon which the eldest Daughter was called in. The Parson, sitting
in his Chair, and smoaking his Pipe, told her, he had heard she would
make him a good Wife: The young Lady, surprised, told him, she did not
know that, but did believe she should be a good Wife to any one that
should marry her. The Parson put the grand Question, Whether she would
have him? She told him, Matrimony was a Thing of that Moment, as
required a great deal of Consideration, and not to be so speedily
determined. He told her, his Studies would not allow him a long
Courtship; and, pulling out his Watch, laid it on the Table, and told
her, he would give her an Hour's Time to consider of it. Away goes the
Girl, but, believing it to be a Banter, she thought very little on that
Subject; the Parson having looked on his Watch, and finding the Hour was
gone, he desired the young Lady might be again called in: When she came,
the Parson shewed her the Watch, telling her the Hour was past, and that
he hoped she had considered of what he had spoke to her about; she told
him, that, it being a Matter of such great Consequence, it required a
much longer Time than he had set for that Purpose: The Parson hereupon
began to fret, and told her further, He found she would not have him,
and therefore he desired his Horse to be brought out, for he would be
going Homewards. The Gentleman pressed him to continue longer;
withall, telling him, though the Eldest required so much Time for
Consideration, perhaps the Second might not.
The Parson was hereby prevailed upon to smoak another Pipe, and the
Second Daughter was brought in, to whom he carried himself as to the
former, and also allowed her an Hour's Time to consider of it. You may
be sure, during this Time, the Father and Mother worked the Girl to say,
Yes, as plain as if she had been in the Church: The Time being elapsed,
the Parson was impatient to go Home, Wife or no Wife, he was so
indifferent. The Girl was now called in, and the Parson asked her,
Whether she had considered of the Matter? She answered, Yes. Then will
you have me? She answers, Yes. Very well then, says the Parson to the
Father, all is done but Matrimony; and when shall that be? When you
please, says the Father. Then, says the Parson, let it be on _Tuesday_
next. But, says the Father, who shall get the Licence? I will take Care
of that, says the Parson; and so, taking Leave of the Father, away he
goes. When he had gone about three or four Miles, and thinking of the
Licence, he remembered he had not taken his Wife's Christian Name, and
so he rode back again as hard as he could drive, and, riding up to the
House, he found the eldest Daughter standing at the Door, so he asked
her what was her Christian Name? She told him; he bid her a Good-Night,
and away he goes.
The Day being come, and the Licence being got ready, the Parson comes to
fetch his Wife; away goes the Father with him, and his three Daughters,
and two or three other Relations, to the Church, where the Parson and
Clerk were ready to make Matrimonial Execution: The Parson asked the
Father and Parson _G----_, which of the Daughters was to be married;
they answered the second Daughter; but the Parson told them the first
Daughter's Name was in the Licence, and therefore he could not marry
them till they had got another Licence. Parson _G----_ told them, he
could not defer it any longer, and therefore he would be dispatched
somehow or other, and told them it was all one to him which of them he
had, and so he goes to the Eldest, and asks her whether she would have
him? And she, having better considered of the Point, answered Yes, and
so they were married.
From Church they went Home to her Father's House, where, having dined,
he tells his Wife she must put up such Things as she designed to carry
Home with her, for he would quickly be going Homewards: The Relations
begged of him to stay all Night, and bed his Wife at her Father's House,
it being the usual Custom so to do; he told them, he would lie no where
but at his own House, and that he would be going presently. The
Relations finding no Arguments would prevail upon him to tarry, they got
Mrs. _Bride_ ready; and the Parson, coming to the Door, espied several
Horses ready saddled and bridled; he asked, what the Meaning of those
Horses Was? They told him, for some of his Wife's Relations, to
accompany him Home; he said, no Body should go along with him but his
Wife; and so they were forced to stable their Horses, and let the
married Couple go Home by themselves.
When they came Home, he conducted her into the House, and saluted her,
which was the first Time; and, after he had bid her Welcome, and they
had sat about Half an Hour, the Parson calls the old Maid, and bids her
bring the Spinning wheel, and told his Wife, he did not doubt but she
was a good Housewife, and knew how to make Use of that Instrument: She
told him, Yes; then he tells her, he did expect she would work while he
was at Work, and no longer; so away goes he to his Study, and Mrs.
_Bride_ to Working with the Whirling-engine; about an Hour after he
comes down and tells her, now she must leave Work, and bids the old Maid
get Supper ready. After they had supped, he goes into his Study, and she
to her Spinning-wheel; when he returns again from his Study, he tells
her, now she must leave Work; after a short Discourse, he went to
Prayers with the Family, and then orders the old Maid to light her
Mistress up Stairs, and put her to Bed.
Away goes Madam _Bride_ to Bed, without any Ceremony of eating
Sack-posset, or throwing the Stocking; and, as soon as she was in Bed,
in comes the Parson, and to Bed goes he; but, sitting up in it, he bids
the Maid bring him the little Table, a great Candle, and such a Book
from the Study, which she did, and the Parson went to his Reading; upon
which, the Bride calls to the Maid: The Parson asked her, what she
wanted? She told him, Something: The Maid coming, he bid her speak to
her Mistress, who bids her bring up the Spinning-wheel, and a great
Candle in the long Candlestick, which the Maid having done, Mrs. _Bride_
went to Whirling it about as hard as ever she could drive; at which the
Parson could hardly forbear Bursting out into Laughter, and, finding
that Spinning and Reading did not agree well together, he put out his
Candle, and laid him down in Bed like a good Husband.
The next Morning he told her, that he found her a Wife of a suitable
Temper to himself, and that, for the Future, she might work or play when
she pleased; that he left all his temporal Concerns to her Management,
and they lived a very happy Couple together, till Death parted them.
This, Madam, is indeed a very comical Story; however, the young Woman
got a good Husband by the Bargain: Humours are indeed very uneasy
Companions, but the whole Course of human Life is attended with Mixtures
of Pleasure and Pain, and it is but common Prudence for us to overlook a
few Impertinences, rather than lose the most necessary Comforts of Life.
We have all of us our Whims and Humours in Relation to Matrimony;
sometimes they abound in the Parents, and sometimes in the Children,
sometimes in the Husband, sometimes in the Wife; for my Part I do not
know who is clear of them. We are now fallen into the Humour of telling
Stories under this green Bower, as if we were in a Chimney-corner at
_Christmas_, which is a Sort of Impertinence, pardonable in those who
have Nothing to do but pass away their Time in Tattle, and Reading of
Books; however, it is more commendable than to gossip, as the _London_
Ladies do, over Sack and Walnuts, cool Tankards, and cold Tea, and all
the Time rail at their Husbands for being at the Tavern; I will
propagate the Humour we are fallen into, by telling you a true Story of
a miserly old Humourist.
A certain Country Gentleman of about one-thousand Pounds _per Annum_,
having buried his Wife and all his Children, took a Brother's Son into
the House, as his Heir, and gave him the best Education that Country
would afford; the Boy being a Youth of clean Parts, and good Ingenuity,
he improved to an extraordinary Degree in so barren a Soil, and so very
dutiful withal, that the old Man perfectly doated on him, and was uneasy
when he was out of his Company. When he came to Years of Maturity, was
grown ripe, and ready to be shaken into the Matrimonial Bed, the old
Gentleman asked him, Whether he was inclined to marry? The young Man,
with an unwilling Modesty, told him, what he pleased; he wholly referred
that, and every Thing else relating to himself, to his Care, thinking
himself always happy and safe under his Conduct. Says the old Cuff, Thou
hast been a very dutiful Child to me, and therefore, says he, I am
willing to please thee: Shall I look thee out a Wife? The young Man (who
without Doubt would have been better pleased to have looked out a Wife
for himself) answered, With all his Heart.
The old Gentleman looks out accordingly, and, being well known in the
Country, was not long in Pursuit of a Wife for his Nephew, which
happened to be a Gentleman's Daughter about ten Miles distant from his
own Habitation: The two old People discoursed the Matter, and came to
this Resolution, That the two young ones should have an Interview, and
see how they liked one another. Home comes the old Man, and acquainted
his Nephew that he had pitched upon a Wife for him, one of Mr. ----'s
Daughters, who were all of them virtuous young Women, and every Way
suitable to his Quality and Circumstances; although their Portions were
but small, their Father having met with many Misfortunes, yet the
Virtues inherent in them rendered them equal to himself. The young Man
returned him Abundance of Thanks, and did not, in the least, question
the Prudence of his Choice.
Now was the young Man to have an Interview with Mrs. _Bride_ elect, and
his Uncle retired into Consultation with himself, how to equip his
Nephew for that Enterprise; at first, he determined to send to _London_
to have him a new Suit of Cloaths made, that he might appear like a
Courtier; but, upon second Thoughts, and to save his Money, he told him,
he could better provide for him at Home; for, says he, you are just of
my Size, and I have above Stairs, in the Press, all my Wedding-cloaths,
which were the best I could lay my Hands on, both for the Fineness of
the Cloth, and the Silk Lining: I am sure they are so good, that I never
wore them above four or five Times in all my Life, and they are never
the worse for Wearing: I will assure thee, if I had not a great Respect
for thee, thou shouldest never have them: What sayest thou, Child, wilt
thou try them on? With all my Heart, replied the young Spark; up goes
the old Man and brings them down, he puts them on, and they fitted
exactly. The Coat-sleeves were gloriously cut and slashed, small Buttons
on the Coat, a little bigger than Pease; the Pockets about a Handful
below the Knees, the Breeches were open-kneed, a great Deal wider than a
_Flanderkin_'s Trousers, hung all around with Abundance of little
Ribbons; the old Gentleman asked him how he liked them? Very well, Sir,
replies the Spark. Now, says the old Man, for a Hat; I have a special
Beaver I bought along with these Cloaths, which he also produced; it had
a Crown as high, and in Form of a Sugar-loaf, with Brims as broad as a
Tea-table; the young Gentleman thanked him heartily for it also. Now,
says the old Cuff, there is Nothing wanting but a Pair of Boots, which I
have by me, and which being brought, the young Spark tried them on, and
they fitted exactly; they were of a Russet Colour with white Tops: Pray,
says the old Man, take great Care of these Boots, it is wet Weather and
may spoil them, therefore I would advise thee to twist some Hay-bands
about them for their Security, and, when you come near the House, pull
them off, and then they will be neat and clean as they were at my
Wedding: But one Thing I had almost forgot, Hast thou got any Money? Not
one Penny, replied the Spark; Well thought on, says his Uncle, Courtship
is chargeable, here is Half a Crown, pray make good Use of it. The young
Gentleman, thus equipped, looked like one of Queen _Elisabeth_'s
Courtiers come from the Dead, or, like Snow on the Grass and Trees about
_Midsummer_; but what would one not undergo for a good Wife or Husband?
The young Man gets up early the next Morning, and having resumed his
former Accoutrements, and mounting on the Outside of his Uncle's best
Palfrey, away he trots in Pursuit of his Lady; you may be sure the
People gazed, and the Dogs barked sufficiently on the Road at this human
Scarecrow on Horseback; but the Worst of it was, as he came within
Bow-shot of his Mistress's Tabernacle, the young Lady was looking out at
the Window, and espying such a Figure, she called her other two Sisters,
and told them that Merry _Andrew_ was coming, which put them into a
great Fit of Laughter, till, approaching nearer, one of them cries out,
It is Mr. ----'s Nephew, and, knowing his Business, they sent a Man to
take his Horse, and their Father and Mother received him very genteelly
at the Door, and ushered him into the House.
But, as if Fate had ordained that the poor Spark should be exposed in
his antiquated Habiliments, it so happened that Day there was an
Invitation of Gentlemen and Ladies to Dinner at the House; when Dinner
was ready and set on the Table, the young Spark was conducted from
another Room to the rest of the Guests; no sooner had he set his Foot on
the Threshold, but the Eyes of the whole Company were upon him; one
sneared, another tittered, a third laughed outright, no Body knowing the
Meaning of this odd Dress; so that indeed he was the Scaramouch of the
Company, but by that Time they had feasted their Eyes on him, and filled
their Stomachs with the Victuals, they found the Spark was very modest
and ingenious, and that his good Humour and Eloquence was more agreeable
to their Ears and Minds, than his Habit to their Eyes; and, by his
Ogling one of the Ladies more than the rest, they guessed at his Design;
and being unwilling to cramp Love in its Embryo, after Dinner they all
withdrew, and left that Lady and the Spark together.
The Spark immediately takes the Opportunity to apologise for his Garb,
and told her how necessary it was for him to please his Uncle's Humour
in the Thing, which, though it made him ridiculous to the Company, he
hoped would not lessen her Esteem of his Person: The young Lady (who
knew she was to marry the Man, and not the Cloaths) told him, it was not
the Garb she looked at, but she had more Respect to his other
Accomplishments; and at this Rate they went on in Discourse of Love and
Matrimony for about two Hours.
The Lady then thinking it uncivil any longer to withdraw herself, or
detain the Gentleman from the rest of the Company, she desired him to go
into the next Apartment, and take a Game at Cards with the young Ladies;
the Spark, knowing the Weakness of his Pocket, desired heartily to be
excused, but, being pressed by one he could in no wise refuse, he was at
last forced to give her the grand Argument, by making known to her his
_Job_'s Condition; she, understanding the Humour of his Uncle, guessed
the Money might as well be wanting as new Cloaths, and she desired his
Patience for a Minute or two, whilst she stepped out about a little
Business, which she did, and returns presently with a Purse of five
Pounds, desiring him to make Use of it. Upon which he waits upon her
into the next Room, where he played at Cards with the rest of the
Company, sometimes won, sometimes lost, but always pleased the Company
to Admiration, so that they all thought his Mistress extremely happy in
having so ingenious and good-humoured a Lover, though in an antiquated
Dress.
To make short of my Story, he tarried with his Lady a full Fortnight,
and in that Time got her Consent, and the Consent of her Parents, and
returns Home to his Uncle with this joyful News, which extremely pleased
the old Gentleman; but he took Care to tell the old Man, that, according
to his own Words, he had found indeed that Courtship was chargeable, for
that he had spent Eighteen-pence of the Half-crown he gave him, and,
putting his Hand in his Pocket, he gave his Uncle the remaining
Shilling. Well, Child, says the Uncle, I commend thy Prudence and
Frugality, I find thou art to be trusted with Money and any Thing else,
and therefore I will settle Five hundred a Year upon thee in Marriage;
and giving him a good Sum of Money to buy him such Wedding-cloaths as he
should best like, the Marriage was soon after solemnised to the
Satisfaction both of Old and Young; they were a happy Pair, and the old
Man, dying some Years after, left them the Remainder of his Estate,
which made an Addition to their Happiness.
_Politica._ Truly, Madam, the young Gentleman was enough ingenious; had
he been cross, and not pleased his Uncle's Humours, he would have been
disinherited, though I must confess, it is hard to render ourselves
ridiculous to a Degree of Folly, to please an old Humourist. But what is
not sinful can never be shameful, and how unpleasant soever our Actions
are in the Sight of Men, if they are otherwise in the Sight of God, it
is no Matter: A good Estate and Virtue make a Man beautiful in any Garb.
I believe I could conform myself to the Humours of the greatest
Caprichio, were I afterwards to be as happy as the young Lady you have
mentioned; we must all of us suffer some Way or other in our Pupillage:
The Apprentice serves out his Time with Chearfulness, in Expectation of
being his own Man at the seven Years End. Future Ease is a great
Encouragement to present Labour. But I know many young Men and Women are
ruined by the unaccountable Humours of their Parents and Governors, and
take such wicked Courses, that they are seldom or never reclaimed,
especially Women, who have once broken through the Bounds of Chastity.
It is a common Proverb amongst the Men, that, _Once a Whore and always a
Whore_. Though I have known this Proverb crossed; and, to level and make
our Stories even as we would do Marriages, I shall give you an Account
after what Manner:
A Country Gentleman, who was a Justice of the Peace in the County of
_R----_, not having been in _London_ in his Life, or at least, not for a
long Time, being in Conversation with some of his Friends, heard them
speak of the Practice of lewd Women, in picking Men up in the Streets.
The Gentleman, being a Stranger to this abominable Practice, could not
believe any Women could be so impudent, as they reported them to be; but
they told him, he might experience the Contrary any Evening when he
pleased. The Gentleman was resolved to make the Experiment, and one
Evening in _Fleetstreet_ he takes Notice of a very pretty Gentlewoman,
which eyed him very narrowly, whereupon he asked her to drink a Glass of
Wine; she agreed at the first Word, and went with him to the next
Tavern.