Then there was a magnificent wedding, as WILFRID of Ivanhoe, no longer
the disowned, but the heir to estates belonging to a highly respectable
county family led his bride to the altar.
"Methinks she takes the cake," whispered WAMBA the Jester.
"Not until after the breakfast," replied RICHARD COEUR DE LION,
throwing off his disguise as the Nameless Knight, and appearing in the
full costume of a monarch.
"Long live the King!" shouted the populace.
"You are right to utter that wish," returned His Majesty, "so long as I
reign without attempting to govern. Believe me, it is better to have
universal suffrage than a despot who may be at once cruel and
incompetent."
"In fact, an idiot," put in a reporter, who was doing the ceremony for a
local record.
"Quite so," acquiesced the Monarch; and then, turning to the
newly-married pair, he observed, "Bless you, my children! Mark me, I
order you to live in happiness for ever afterwards."
And IVANHOE and his bride obeyed the royal command.
* * * * *
[Illustration:]
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TORY, M.P.
_House of Commons, Monday, February 17._--"Better be in your place
early," said CHAPLIN, passing me as he marched with long strides across
resounding corridor.
"Yes, I know. OLD MORALITY'S going to say what Government will do about
PARNELL Commission's Report; everybody anxious to know."
"It's not that, dear boy, not that," said our new Minister, in
compassionate tone. "I have two questions to answer. First time, don't
you know; everybody dying to see how it goes off; warrant you they
shan't be disappointed."
COBB the Curious came on with first interrogatory. All about fox-hunting
and fox-hunters. Pretty to see COBB, having submitted his question under
ten sub-heads, place hands on knees and fix Minister with steady stare.
CHAPLIN advanced to table with graceful carriage and confident bearing;
produced with imposing flourish a sheaf of notes, foolscap size, stoutly
sewn, apparently exceeding a dozen in number; began to read with
practised elocutionary art; drew the covert, "so to speak," as T. W.
RUSSELL protests he said when telling the men of Manchester that WILLIAM
O'BRIEN must be taken by the throat. No draw; went to next covert--I
mean turned over another folio. House began to murmur; CHAPLIN,
accepting involuntary applause, read on with increased impressiveness
and complacency; murmurs grew into shout. At view-halloa! fox started;
fifth folio now reached; only seven more to read. CHAPLIN began to wish
GOSCHEN or OLD MORALITY would go and fetch him glass of water. Cries
from crowd grew louder. At last CHAPLIN, looking up, beheld, through
astonished glasses, Opposition indulging in roar of contumely. Wouldn't
have taken him more than quarter of an hour or twenty minutes to finish
his few remarks, and yet a lot of miserable Members who didn't know a
fox from a hare wouldn't let him go on! Struggled gallantly for some
minutes; at last sat down; whole pages of his answer unrecited.
[Illustration: The Inquiring Cobb.]
Speeches all night in continued Debate on the Address. PARNELL has moved
Amendment arraigning BALFOUR'S administration in Ireland. WILLIAM
O'BRIEN, chancing to be out of prison, looks in and delivers fiery
harangue in support of Amendment. But yesterday, BALFOUR, his gaoler;
ordered his food; not too much of it and not full variety; fixed his
hours of going to bed and getting up. Now prison-doors opened by lapse
of time; O'BRIEN walks out through Westminster Hall into House of
Commons; stands before SPEAKER on equal terms with his whilom gaoler,
and scolds him magnificently. By-and-by BALFOUR will probably have his
turn again, and O'BRIEN will be eating and drinking the bread and water
of affliction. Meanwhile, storms at top of his voice, beats the air with
long lean arm and clenched hand, and makes dumb dogs of English Members
sad with musing on the inequalities of fortune, which has given these
Irishmen the great gift of pointedly saying what they have at heart.
_Business done._--Debate on Address.
_Tuesday._--"Well," said THOMAS BAYLEY POTTER, sinking slowly into
corner seat, grateful to find that PETER O'BRIEN was his neighbour, for
PETER finds it possible to pack himself into a limited space and THOMAS
BAYLEY'S proportions are roomy--"well it _is_ nice to see how these old
colleagues love one another. Come next April, I have sat in House man
and boy for twenty-five years. Have found that on some pretext, on one
occasion or another, they are always at it, scratching each other's
face, pulling one another's hair, or stabbing each other in the back.
Why don't they all join the Cobden Club, sink minor differences, and be
friends ever after?"
[Illustration: The Cobden Club.]
As THOMAS BAYLEY thus mused, he gazed across Gangway on to Front
Opposition Bench. An interesting incident developing. HENRY JAMES on his
legs (generally on one) opposing PARNELL'S Amendment to Address. He
stands between the outstretched legs of his two dear and right hon.
friends, GLADSTONE and JOHN MORLEY. Just beyond JOHN MORLEY, TREVELYAN
sits. At the other side of GLADSTONE, HARCOURT towers, toying with the
gracious folds of his massive chin, looking straight before him with
sphynx-like gaze. According to etiquette and usage, JAMES should be
addressing the Chair; but his back is turned to SPEAKER. He faces half
round to Front Opposition Bench, and, with left foot clasped round right
ankle, elbow of right arm leaning on box, and clenched left hand
swinging to and fro in perilous proximity to a grand old proboscis, he
literally drives home his argument. House may listen, if it pleases,
like crowd closing in on street squabble; HENRY JAMES is having it out
with his old friends and Leader; professing fullest respect, and even
reverence for his right hon. friend the Member for Midlothian, but at
same time showing how utterly, hopelessly wrong he and his have gone
since his former Solicitor-General parted company.
HARCOURT, a little out of it, sits and ponders, possibly thinking of the
days when he was plain Mr. VERNON HARCOURT, and, seated below the
Gangway, used, in company with his young friend, Mr. HENRY JAMES, to bait
GLADSTONE, then on Treasury Bench, hastening to the catastrophe of 1874.
"Makes me feel quite old," said THOMAS BAYLEY POTTER, dexterously
appropriating another half-inch of the space that rightfully belonged to
PETER O'BRIEN. "Seems but yesterday that HARCOURT and JAMES were in the
running, one for Attorney-General, the other Solicitor-General. But
getting it, having got it, or having abandoned it, seems all to lead to
the same end--the worrying of the Grand Old Man."
_Business done._--PARNELL'S Amendment to Address negatived by 307 Votes
against 240.
_Wednesday._--LYCIDAS is dead--dead in his prime! It was this very
morning, in the earliest moments of its birth, that I watched JOSEPH
GILLIS walking up the floor shoulder to shoulder with old friend DICK
POWER, "telling" in division on PARNELL'S Amendment to Address. Beaten,
of course, but majority diminished, and JOEY beamed as he walked across
Lobby towards Cloak-Room. Rather a sickly beam, compared with wild
lights that used to flash from his eyes in the old times, when majority
against Home Rule was a great deal more than 67.
"Yes, I _am_ a little tired, TOBY, dear boy," he said. "These dull
sittings and early adjournments don't suit me. I was better and stronger
in the old times, when we used to sit up all night and fight all day.
Remember thirteen years ago, when I slept for an hour on two chairs in
the Library? Returned to House at five in morning; found them all
looking jaded and worn; cheered them up by saying I'd come back like a
giant refreshed. Well, I'll go home now, have a good sleep, be all right
in the morning."
And when we are gathered in House for Wednesday's sitting we learn that
all is right indeed, and that poor old JOEY B. lies quiet, with face
upturned, in his alien lodgings off Clapham Common.
He would be surprised if he knew with what warm and sincere feeling his
sudden taking-off is mourned. At the time he spoke of, thirteen years
back, he was certainly the most abhorred person on the premises, and
gleefully chuckled over consciousness of the fact. But the House, with
nearer knowledge, learned to recognise his sterling qualities, and now,
when Death rounds off with tragic touch the comicalities of his public
life, everyone has a kindly word to say for JOSEPH GILLIS.
_Business done._--Debate on Address.
_Thursday._--"Curious," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, "how habits ingrained
in early life, born in the blood as it were, come out at chance times.
Here's OLD MORALITY been for a generation practically divorced from
business affairs in the Strand, and yet look at him now, and listen to
him!"
Strange transmogrification truly. Arose on question put by HUNTER as to
when the ten volumes of evidence, upon which Report of Special Committee
founded, would be on the bookstalls. OLD MORALITY at the table in a
moment, his manner brisk yet deferential, his hands involuntarily
wandering over the books and papers scattered about, as if he were
looking for special edition someone on other side of counter had asked
for.
"The Evidence," he said, "given before the Special Commission occupies
eleven volumes, consisting of the Evidence and Appendix, and they will
probably be followed by a twelfth volume containing Index matter. We
trust that the first eleven volumes will be ready for delivery to
customers before the 1st of March."
[Illustration: District Councils.]
PETER O'BRIEN, not yet expanded since compressed by contiguity of THOMAS
BAYLEY POTTER, asked whether complete copies of the evidence would be
supplied to other persons incriminated, but not being Members of the
House? OLD MORALITY at the counter again; the old Adam in him stronger
than ever. Here was a pretty proposal! Bound to supply this interesting
work gratuitously to Members of Parliament; to go beyond that most
unbusinesslike.
"No, Sir," he said, firmly; "it is open to other persons to obtain the
volumes by purchase."
House roared with laughter, turned delighted from this little comedy to
face the gloomy prospect of STANSFELD on District Councils.
_Business done._--Still harping on Address.
_Friday Night._--"Strange," said J. A. PICTON, slowly rubbing his brawny
hands, "how in our ashes live our wonted fires."
Dwelt amongst dead ashes all week; dreary dulness. To-night, in very
last hour of week, Debate suddenly flashes forth in brilliant flame,
worthy of old traditions. CHAMBERLAIN, with his back to the wall, faced
and flanked by jeering, scornful, angry Liberals. Explains why he's
going to vote with Government against demand for Free Education. A
tough, dialectical job, requiring skill, temper, courage. CHAMBERLAIN
displays each quality. Cool, collected, master of the situation, deftly
warding off thundering blows, and now and then changing, with swift
action, from defensive to offensive. A pretty sight, worth waiting a
week for.
_Business done._--ACLAND'S Motion for Free Education rejected by 223
Votes against 163.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE MISS!"
_Gillie._ "EH, MON! BUT IT'S FORTUNATE THERE'S BEEF IN ABERDEEN!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE KENT COAL HOLE.
Finding Coal in the Channel Tunnel Works. Rush of delighted S.E.R.
Shareholders to Shakspeare's Cliff.]
* * * * *
SONG FOR MR. STANSFELD, M.P.
(_Adapted from Mr. J. L. Toole's "Speaker's Eye"._)
_Refrain._
In Eyer-land I used to try,
But I never could catch a P'leeceman's eye.
I never could catch---- [_Whistles._
_Chorus of Members, led by the Speaker._
He never could catch----
_Mr. Stansfeld and Chorus ensemble._
I } never could catch the P'leeceman's eye.
He}
Copies should be on sale in the House, with an illustration by Mr. FRANK
LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P.
* * * * *
Forthcoming Book, a "Standard" Work (in the Press), New Edition of
_Allsopp's Fables_. N.B.--This volume will contain two extra Fables,
illustrating the proverb of "Allsopps to Cerberus," and "There's many a
slip between the mug and the Hind-lip." Many novel pints will be
introduced.
* * * * *
"FESTINA LENTE."--Get through Lent festively.
* * * * *
NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
exception.
* * * * *