Of the manner in which he turned his influence to use, and how he was
again noticed by the vizier.
I gave myself much pains to have it well understood in the city, that I
was a confidential agent of the grand vizier, and did my best endeavour
to impress upon the infidels that without my interference nothing
could be done. The fruits of this proceeding were soon manifest, and
my services put into requisition in a manner highly conducive to mutual
advantage.
One of the most remarkable features in the character of our English
guests was their extreme desire to do us good against our inclination.
Rather than not attempt it, they put themselves to infinite trouble,
and even did not refrain from expense to secure their ends. They felt
a great deal more for us than we did for ourselves; and what they could
discover in us worthy of their love, we, who did not cease to revile
them as unclean infidels, and as creatures doomed to eternal fires,
we were quite at a loss to discover. However, I had nothing to do with
their tastes; my business was to study how to turn them to account,
and the subject in all conscience was rich, and repaid me well for my
trouble.
My readers will perhaps recollect that, in the first volume of this
my narrative, I mentioned my acquaintance with an infidel doctor,
who, among other novelties in medicine, did his utmost endeavours to
introduce into Persia a new mode of curing the small-pox. The practice
was now totally laid aside; our faculty continued to treat the disorder
as our forefathers had done, and the usual quantity of children died
as heretofore. A doctor was also attached to the suite of the present
elchi, and he was impelled by more than common anxiety to do us good.
His zeal to renew the practice of the cow medicine was unbounded, and
the quantity of mothers whom he enticed to bring their children to him
astonishing.
I, in pursuit of my own schemes, was the first to cry out, that this
great influx of women of the true faith into the dwelling of an infidel,
be the object what it might, was highly indecorous, and I persuaded the
grand vizier to place an officer of the police as sentry at the doctors
door to prevent the women entering. This very soon stopped his practice,
and he was in despair.
But why should you grieve? said I to him. You get nothing for your
trouble, and the people are not obliged to you.
Oh, said he (for he and his countrymen had learnt our language),
you know not what you say. This blessing must be spread throughout the
world; and if your government stops it here, it will be guilty of the
blood of all those lives which might have been saved.
What is that to us? answered I: let them die--we get nothing by their
being alive.
If it be profit that you require, exclaimed the doctor, I will
willingly pay any sum you may demand, rather than lose my vaccinating
matter, which must dry up and be lost if my practice ceases.
Here we entered into a negotiation, and after much difficulty and
show of apprehension concerning the risk I ran of incurring the grand
viziers displeasure, it was agreed that for certain advantages which I
should enjoy, the restriction should be taken from the doctors house;
and I leave those who know me to guess the numbers of children who now
flocked to the man of medicine. His gate was thronged, and nothing more
was said respecting the impropriety of the womens attendance.
Another of his manias was a desire to cut up dead bodies. He did so
languish after every corpse that was carried by his house for burial,
that I was surprised the people did not set upon him for his impure
propensities.
But what possible good will accrue to mankind in general, said I to
him, if you dissect a dead Mussulman?
It is impossible to say what good may be lost by my not dissecting
him, said he; besides, if I do not keep my hand in practice, I shall
lose my former skill.
He then of his own accord proposed to give a large sum for a corpse, and
avowed that he was not particular about its quality, for that of a Jew,
Christian, or a true believer, would be equally acceptable.
I kept this in remembrance; and indeed I had so many opportunities
afforded me of advancing the designs of the infidels, and of filling my
own pockets at the same time, that I felt myself gradually growing into
wealth.
The ambassador himself was not without his desires of improving (as he
called it) our state; and I cannot resist relating a circumstance which
took place between him and the grand vizier. He announced it as his
intention to make a present to us of a certain produce of the earth,
unknown in most parts of Asia, but much cultivated in Europe, which
would not fail to be of incalculable benefit to the people of Persia;
and he requested the vizier to assist him in his undertaking, promising
shortly to send him a specimen of the intended gift. The vizier, whose
nose was always carried very high whenever a present was in the wind,
did not fail daily to discuss with me what this great benefit which
the ambassador was about to confer might be, and his impatience to gain
possession became very great. He discovered through me, that the English
representative had brought with him a store of fine broadcloth, upon
which he had constantly kept a steady eye. Finding that the projected
public benefit was not forthcoming, he conceived in his wisdom that
the elchi would have an easy bargain, if he agreed to commute it for
a private gift to himself. Therefore, one morning at his uprising he
called me, and said, By the blessing of God, whatever we want we have:
we have bread and meat--we have salt, and rice, and corn, and fruits,
such as the infidels never even saw in a dream; in short, we have
everything that it is possible to conceive. Then why should we become
indebted to this infidel ambassador for things that we do not want? A
happy thought has struck me, by which he will be a gainer, and be saved
the trouble he wishes to incur: I will agree to receive cloth in lieu of
the public benefit. This is so easy a transaction, that you, who, praise
be to Allah! are a man of sharp wit, will easily negotiate. Go, say this
to the ambassador, and without loss of time bring me the cloth.
I forthwith presented myself, and delivered the message. Will it be
believed that he and all his beardless suite, upon hearing it, set up
such shouts of laughter, as might be heard from the top of Demawend?
What affinity has cloth to potatoes? said one. We wish to give a
cheap and comfortable article of food to your countrymen, said another.
But it seems that your vizier likes to transfer the whole advantage of
the gift from the bellies of the nation to his own back, cried a third.
The ambassador, however, who appeared the most reasonable of the
party, without hesitation very politely ordered a piece of cloth to
be delivered to me, which he requested me to present to my master with
reiterated expressions of friendship; and with the assurance that it
could make no alteration in the sentiments which he entertained for the
Persian nation, who he hoped would still receive the potato, as a mark
of his high esteem and consideration.
I returned to the vizier full of exultation at the success of my visit;
and this, with the preceding and subsequent instances of my abilities,
so entirely won his affections, that I soon outstripped every rival, and
became his principal favourite and confidant.