I seized this occasion to demand justice of the queen.

“I supplicate your sovereign majesty,” said I, “to do me justice on Diego

Moreno, who has insulted me in this palace; striking me with his horns,

knocking me down, and exciting against me the whole host of cuckolds.”

“What defence do you make to this accusation, Moreno?” asked the queen.

“Mighty and wan princess,” replied he, “behold the man who caused me to

pass in the world as a Vulcan, or a faun: I have always lived pleasantly

with my wife, never objecting to the French method, of receiving at her

house priests, soldiers, lawyers, politicians, merchants, and strangers

of every country. As the house had a great deal of good company, where

nothing was wanting, although my wife was no expense to me, I found it

very convenient; and because I profited by the follies of others, because

I made that a part of my revenue, because I took advantage of my wife’s

friends, to amass an estate for my children, the chevalier Quevedo

derided me, rendering me ridiculous by his poems, and representing me as

the prince of accommodating husbands; he called me a ram, and made me one

of the signs of the zodiac: not content with that, he even comes hither,

and strikes me with a fork. I demand that he should be retained here,

and that he be put in a situation during his slumbers, that will

effectually prevent his waking.”

“Which of the two began the affray?” said Death.

“It was I,” answered Moreno.

“_We ordain_ then, that the name and memory of Moreno shall never be

forgotten in Spain; that his grave shall be opened, and his compatriots,

if any yet exist, shall make a pilgrimage, to render homage to his

ashes.”

After that, they called over the names of the dead; and as they were

called, they answered _adsum_, “I am here.” Hearing my own name

pronounced, which was also that of my uncle and god-father, I answered,

as the others, _adsum_; at which mistake Moreno taking advantage to laugh

at me, I hit him a heavy blow with my fist upon his head; but I hurt

myself more than him, for I almost broke my fingers. Moreno cast himself

upon me; I stood firm, and thus we were again engaged in a new combat.

They endeavoured to separate us, but I had entangled my hands in such a

manner, in the bones of his arms, that I could not withdraw them; and as

they pulled me on one side, and him on the other, it gave me such

exquisite pain, that I awoke, happy and thankful to find myself in my

bed. I reviewed in my mind all I had seen and heard, and which is here

reported.

This vision made such a forcible impression upon my imagination, that I

yet seem to behold the palace of death, the audience of the dead, and

Moreno pouncing upon me: finally, I made many reflections upon what I had

seen. It is but too true, that all mankind must die; that we are

surrounded with constant peril; that there is but one thing that can

insure a tranquil death, and that is, a blameless life. But to live

well, one must often think of death. I believe the dream I have just

rehearsed, was inspired by heaven; for otherwise I should hardly have

thought upon my latter end, not even when my life was peculiarly exposed

amidst wars and battle. At present, I reflect without ceasing; I have

totally abandoned trifling and poetry, which are synonymous; and, thanks

to God, have more satisfaction in reading books of devotion, than

romances and histories.

THIRD NIGHT.

THE LAST JUDGMENT.

I have read in Homer, that dreams come from Jupiter; and that this cannot

be doubted, especially when they regard things of importance. I verily

believe those of kings and princes proceed from on high: but I will

substitute the true God in place of Jupiter, who is but a fabulous

divinity. The vision I had last year, could not have been derived from

any other than a heavenly source. Behold the events that passed: I was

reading the book of the blessed Hypolitus, which treats of the end of the

world, and of the coming of God, to judge the quick and the dead, the

just and the unjust. I fell asleep over this book, sitting in a large

easy chair. All at once, I thought I saw a noble young man, of

extraordinary beauty, flying through the air, having at his mouth a

trumpet, that sounded far and wide. When he had made five or six great

circuits, I perceived soldiers starting from their graves, full of

courageous animation, thinking they heard the signal of battle. Upon the

other hand, the misers started up, in terror, lest thieves had come to

rob. The courtiers imagined that they enjoyed the agitations of the

ring, or of a carousal. No one had the least idea that it announced the

last judgment. I was strongly tempted to laugh at seeing the maimed, the

one-eyed, the blind, seeking the one their arms or legs, and the other

their eyes. I was equally amused, to perceive the clerks unwilling to

resume their heads, the slanderers their tongues, and the old women their

throats.

After all these had come forth, and arrived in an immense and smooth

valley, very proper for so grand a spectacle, I saw appear people of

every art and trade; likewise the men of letters, among whose ranks there

appeared a very considerable embarrassment. Each community placed itself

separately; each religion had also its sectaries apart: such as

Christians, Jews, Mahometans, Pagans, Heretics, and Schismatics. All the

people being classed and placed, a judge presented himself, accompanied

by twelve counsellors, who seated themselves near his throne; beneath

them were the prophets, in the capacity of advocates. Immediately a loud

flourish of trumpets was heard, as if an army of cavalry approached, and

legions of shining angels appeared, who poised themselves with their

wings, above those men to whom they had been guardians. That done, the

archangel Michael, came and placed himself at the foot of the throne,

upon which the judge was seated, having in his hand a naked sword, and

beneath his feet a prostrate devil, as he is represented in churches, and

called the auditors each by his name.

Adam answered first; he was accused by his demon, with having eaten an

apple, contrary to the commands of his God; with having neglected the

gifts he had received at his creation; with having cast the blame upon

his wife; with having had a bad son, and of other faults which I do not

distinctly remember. But I very well recollect, that these reproaches

produced such confusion in him, that he could answer nothing: his good

angel answered for him; he confessed the matters of which his party was

accused; he set forth the excess and duration of his penitence; the

agonies he had suffered from the decree that involved his posterity, the

goods which God had seen born of his sin; in fine, he pleaded with such

ability, that his client was acquitted.

When they called Judas, Herod, and Pilate, their crimes were so glaring,

that they could neither defend themselves, nor would any angel speak in

their favour; and they were accordingly condemned. After them, were

examined the most noted heretics, and neither could they obtain pardon.

Presently there appeared a number of pagan philosophers, among whom, I

distinguished the seven sages of Greece, with Plato, Zeno, Socrates,

Aristotle, and others: there were also Mercury, Trismegistus, an

Egyptian, Sanconianthon, a Phenician, and Confucius, a Chinese. The

majority of these avowed, that they had adored no other than the true

God. The judge demanded, if they had given him all the glory, and

rendered to him all the honour that was his due. They answered nothing,

and were not exculpated.

The corps of artists next presented themselves: some of them were

justified, but by far the greatest part were condemned for larcenies,

frauds, surprises, and infidelities.

The men of letters then had their turn: many of them were charged with

having taught and written contrary to their real opinions. The poets

made every one laugh, on asserting, that when they spoke of Jupiter, of

gods and goddesses, they meant the true God, saints, and saintesses: that

they had never seriously deified the king of Candia, nor the first king

of Egypt, nor the queens of Cyprus and Sicily; that if these people had

become idolaters, they ought to take the blame upon themselves. Virgil

in particular, was examined very minutely upon that passage of his poems,

where he invokes the Sicilian muses: he pretended to have spoken of the

birth of the Messiah; but he was answered that he must then have been in

the soul of the Son of Pollio. Orpheus was accused by the ladies of

Thrace, because he had taught men a love that did not concern them.

The clerks, lawyers, and constables, applied to Saint _Ives de Chartres_,

to plead their cause; but he refused, saying, he had never been a robber,

but had always pursued the cause of truth and justice, and that they had

not acted in that manner. The devils also accusing them of having often

been corrupted by presents, and the solicitations of women; few among

them escaped.

After these, the physicians, surgeons, and apothecaries, were brought

forward: they justified themselves by the authority of Hippocrates,

Galen, and Paracelsus; but those whom they summoned, mocked at them, and

their allegations. “And who are they,” demanded those eminent

physicians, “who have cited us, and presume to shelter themselves behind

our example?” The unhappy accused then sought the assistance of their

two saints, _Come_ and _Damiens_; but they refused to defend homicides,

and judgment of condemnation was accordingly pronounced.

As it is out of my power to follow all the judgments in their order, I

shall report only those that appeared most worthy of note. A fencing

master, being unwilling to approach the bar, an angel extended his arm to

seize him; but the master, throwing himself into an attitude, made a

fanciful push towards the angel, telling him at the same time, that from

such a thrust with the small sword, he would have received a mortal

wound; that all those who had taken lessons of him, never failed to kill

their man, and that he himself had always been victorious, till he met

with his physician. At last, constrained by force, he was brought

forward and convicted of all the homicides committed by his scholars,

who, confident in their skill, had often sought quarrels, for the purpose

of putting their theory in practice. For these offences it was decreed

that he should go into hell in a perpendicular line. “Zounds,” said the

master, “I will go as I may, but not in a perpendicular line; I am not a

mathematician.” “How,” said the angel, “do you wish to go?” “In making

leaps backward before the mouth of hell.” “Not quite so much subtlety,”

said the devil; “I will make you obedient;” and he carried him into the

abyss, that was at the extremity of the valley.

This man gave place to a great astrologer, whom his angel endeavoured to

bring before the tribunal: he was loaded with almanacs, globes, spheres,

astrolabes, compasses, quadrants, rules, and papers, filled with

astronomical calculations. “You are mistaken,” said he to the angel;

“the last judgment has not yet arrived, because the constellation of

Saturn, and that of fear, have not yet finished their courses; it ought

not to arrive in less than twenty-four thousand years; for God hath not

created the universe and the celestial globes, not to permit them to

finish their journeys; and there is yet no appearance of an union of the

sun and stars, to set fire to the world, as must necessarily happen at

the last day. I appeal, then, in advance, against all other judgments.”

“March,” said the devil, “or I shall carry you.” “Carry me,” said the

astronomer, “into the kingdom of the moon; I will reward you well; I am

curious to see those beautiful countries, we discover with our

telescopes; the countries of Galileo, of Copernicus, of Tycho Brahe, and

other celebrated astronomers, who are gone to dwell in the moon, and who

have bestowed their names upon those regions they inhabit.” The

discourse of this fool, did not prevent an accusation before the judge,

of irreligion, superstition, and other vices which he could not dispute.

I then saw an operator, who, imagining himself to be in a proper place

for vending his drugs, praised the properties of his orrietan, and the

virtues of his counter-poisons. When he came before his judges, he was

desirous of trying some experiments, and demanded if he should use

realgal, arsenic, or the blood of toads and spiders. The devil, who

stood at his side, asked him if he had any fire ointment. “How,” said

he, “are you in want?” “It is yourself that will soon need it,” answered

the devil; “because you have cheated so many people with your lies and

knaveries.” He was confounded at this discourse, and was led away to

hell.

When they were close by, he said to the devil, “I perceive the jest; you

keep here the feast of Peter; I am not so much alarmed as you think: let

us go, let us go,” said he, entering into hell, “let us go and see Don

Peter.”

There then came a troop of tailors, the chief one of whom diverted me

much: he had a pair of scissors in his hand, and a long slip of

parchment, with which he took measure for garments. Perceiving me, he

stepped up and proposed to make me a coat in the French fashion: I

assured him that I had no need of such a garment; but he ran round me,

insisting upon taking my measure. I observed that it was then no time to

transact such business; that he was before his judge, and had better

invoke his guardian angel: but the angel advised him to plead his own

cause, as he could not conscientiously defend a case so obvious.

“Signor,” answered the tailor, “I engage to give you a suit every year,

gratis; for it is doubtless for lack of tailors, that you angels go

always naked.” “Without dispute;” replied the angel, “for there is not a

single tailor in heaven.” “Very well,” resumed the tailor; “I go then in

person, to defend myself and brethren. We have never stolen more stuff

than we could put into our eyes; we threw the useless pieces into the

street; we have always measured the trimmings of gold and silver, after

finishing the suit, and took no more than was absolutely necessary. As

to the rest, our trade is one inculcating mercy; to clothe the naked, and

furnish a defence from the cold; meritoriously following the gospel

precept: thus have we acted, besides suffering patiently the prejudice

the embroiderers have done us in making the habits of the church. I

demand that Saint Martin, archbishop of Tours, who gave the moiety of his

mantle to a poor beggar, should be heard in our behalf.” “Saint Martin,”

said one of the angels, “hath never been the protector of tailors; and so

far would he be from defending you, that he would condemn you.” “Ah!

well,” said the tailor, “oblige us by being yourself our interlocutor.”

“I consent,” replied he, “and will quickly expose the tricks of your

trade: the tailors have in their shops a private drawer, which they call

_the eye_; and it is there they deposit what they steal. The under part

of their table and its immediate neighbourhood, they call the _street_;

and here they cast the superfluous stuffs: so when this master cheat

asserted, he had never stolen more than might have been contained in his

eye, or that he threw into the street the waste pieces of cloth, or

stuff, it was equivalent to saying, that, he had never taken more than

might be put into his drawer, or beneath his table. As to the trimmings

of gold and silver, it is true, they are measured upon the garment, but

then it is found after the chain of binding is cut, that it stretches

very easily. When he said that his trade was merciful and charitable, he

spoke the truth, if these are the attributes of thieves: but I demand,

if, without pillaging cloth, they could ornament chambers with rich

tapestry, build fine houses, give portions to their daughters, bear the

extravagancies of their children, give sumptuous entertainments, and

enjoy all the luxuries of life?” “No, no,” simultaneously exclaimed the

whole assembly. The corps of tailors was accordingly condemned, and they

were precipitated into the abyss.

When all the judgments had been pronounced, the judge, his counsellors,

the angels, and the elect, launched forth into the air, and ascended to

heaven, amid an harmonious concert of trumpets, and other instruments.

Those who remained in the valley, and had not been sent to hell, were in

despair, because they were not able to follow the array of the blessed.

When the celestial throng had wholly disappeared, a most horrid tumult

ensued: the planets fell from their orbits, the mountains came together

with dreadful washings, the earth gaped, and all who remained fell into

the abyss, uttering such piercing shrieks that I was seized with terror.

I awoke, and felt the most lively pleasure to find myself out of danger.

I reflected afterwards upon the multitude of the guilty, and the small

number adjudged innocent. Oh, how necessary it is, that all the living

should experience a similar vision, that they might be witnesses of the

disorder, of the despair, and torments of the damned. It would suffice

also to exemplify the piteous confusion, which can neither be expressed

nor comprehended, that will not fail to happen at the last day. I am not

now surprised that the Israelites, at the foot of Mount Sinai, could not

endure the noise of the thunder that resounded from its summit.

FOURTH NIGHT.

THE COUNTRY AND THE PALACE OF LOVE.

ON the fourth day of January, I had passed the evening in the company of

some beautiful and amiable young ladies. Contrary to my usual custom of

retiring at an early hour, I sat up late, amusing myself and trifling

with these ladies, which brought to my imagination, during sleep, the

most delightful images. I fancied I heard a voice, which recited these

verses, borrowed by Virgil from Theocritus:

“What phrensy, shepherd has thy soul possess’d?

Thy vineyard lies half prun’d, and half undress’d,

Quench, Corydon, thy long unanswered fire;

Mind what the common wants of life require.

On willow twigs employ thy weaving care;

And find an easier love, though not so fair.”

I am ignorant by what paths I was conducted, but I suddenly found myself

in a most delightful country, such as the poets are wont to describe the

isle of Cyprus and the gardens of Love; it was bordered by two little

rivers, one of which was sweet, and the other bitter water. These

waters, conducted by a subterranean canal, united in a great basin of

white marble, placed in the middle of a garden. After I had promenaded a

little, to admire the beauty of the trees, and respire the perfume of the

flowers, I entered into a long and magnificent walk, planted with citrons

and oranges: upon each side were arbours, adorned interiorly with

paintings and sculpture, and surrounded without by jessamines, laurels,

honeysuckles, and other shrubs. At the extremity of this walk, there

appeared, in perspective, a large and superb edifice, which was called

the _Palace of Love_. The porticoes were of the Doric order: upon the

pedestals, the bases, the columns, the cornices, the friezes, the

architraves, and the chapters, were, in half relief, little cupids, who

disported themselves in all sorts of gambols. There was written upon the

gate in letters of gold upon a black ground, this inscription:—

‘Behold the palace of the happy,

The abode of lovers.’

The custody of the gate was committed to a woman of a nymph like

appearance: her name was Beauty. She was tall and well proportioned: her

features were regular, and her whole appearance so seducing, that her

name seemed to answer her description exactly. Her garments were

magnificent, but their transparency permitted the sight of charms that

eclipsed the light. The whiteness of the snow would have yielded to the

whiteness of her bosom: in a word, she had about her that, I know not

what, of enchantment, which no pencil could delineate, or language

describe. She made me so gracious a salutation, that I was emboldened to

request of her a conductor, to show me the apartments of the palace.

“Address yourself,” said she, “to the Introducer; he is lodged in this

wing,” motioning me with her right hand to the left side of the edifice.

I thanked her, and went in quest of the Introducer, who was at the same

time the Inspector of this smiling country. I perceived in him an old

man with a long beard. He received me with great civility; and having

signified to him my desire, he told me that he would himself conduct me

to the foot of the throne of the Queen. He girded upon his thigh instead

of a sword, along sharp scythe. He took for a cravat, an hour-glass with

golden sand; and for a hat, a bonnet of mercury with wings. To do me

honour, he preceded me. We entered immediately into the apartment of the

girls, which was separate from that of the women who have arrived at

maturity. In perambulating these chambers, I saw all these girls

singularly occupied: there were some who wept with jealousy against the

widows; others were filled with inquietudes, not daring to avow the love

with which the other sex had inspired them. “My lover,” said one, “is

extremely cold; he is too timid; O that the same privilege of declaring

our inclinations was permitted to us, as to the other sex! I would speak

a language to him, which he should respond.”

Some of them read or wrote letters; they used a great deal of paper in

that business; for in order to say that they would not, they destroyed,

recommenced, destroyed again, and recomposed the same lines; they desired

that their words should have a double meaning, and that their lovers

should understand that, which they had no intention of making them

comprehend. Others, placed before their mirrors, studied their gestures,

giving expression to their features, endeavouring to put grace into their

smile, and gaiety into their laugh. Certain of them, plucked the hair

from the chin and eye-brows; others applied plaster to their faces; many

of them, to cause paleness and a more interesting appearance in the eyes

of their lovers, ate plaster, jet, charcoal, and Spanish wax, contrary to

the custom of the French, who diligently avoid those substances that can

give them a yellow appearance, as saffron, pepper, salt, and every thing

provocative.

From this apartment, I passed into that of the married women. Some of

them grieved at the jealousy of their husbands, and others at the avarice

of theirs. There were those who caressed their spouses, that they might

the more easily deceive them: there were others who concealed money from

their knowledge, to purchase finery, or make presents to their gallants:

there were others who made vows, and projected pilgrimages, to the end

that they might enjoy the company of those whom they could not otherwise

see: and others, who spoke continually of the sweetness, of the handsome

mein, and good proportions of their confessors. Some there were, who

said that there could be no pleasure more consummate, than in revenging

ones self upon ones husband; some, also, that the most insupportable

torment to a married woman, was to be obliged to answer the caresses of a

husband whom she did not love: many, that the pleasantest hour was that

passed at the play with a gallant. There were those too among them, who

had taken their waiting maids into confidence, and strove to engage them

in their interests by every indulgence.

Contiguous to this place, was a spacious pavilion where we found the

widows. Some of this class affected austerity and modesty; but others

gave themselves up to all sorts of folly. Many were exceedingly joyous,

although they were in mourning: many were sad, because black did not

become them; many, on the contrary, judged that crape was their chiefest

ornament, and that it served best to exhibit the brilliant whiteness of

their complexion. The old widows wished to imitate the young, while

these sought to improve their time to the best advantage. Those who

exhibited the most lassitude, were generally young widows, who waited

with impatience for the year of mourning to expire; but others spent

their time cursing the memory of their husbands, who had prohibited

second nuptials.

I was soon weary of my visit to this apartment; folly and libertinism

were not to my taste. My conductor perceiving it, took me by the arm,

and said that he would show me the amorous devotees.

“Yet, for all that,” said I, “love and devotion can hardly agree;

however, let us see all.”

“Oh, ho,” said Time; “yes, true devotion; but know that it is as rare to

see true devotees, as women without love: these same true devotees have

at least those with whom they are not much upon their guard, and when

they are not observed, cannot resist the seductions of a handsome and

assiduous cavalier: in default of that they take their confessor.”

Thus conversing, we entered into the apartment of the devotees. Almost

all prayed to God, either for the health or the return of a lover: many

to be soon married, or to be always handsome, or for death to rid them of

a rival. Some of these women performed their devotions while waiting for

their gallants.

As the character of these women had in it nothing agreeable to me, I

besought my conductor to lead me to the abodes of the men; the more,

because I would hear from thence a concert of instruments; he showed me

the entrance into their quarter. I found in the first hall, a great

number of fiddlers and pipers, who concerted a serenade for the following

night. In the second, I saw men who made their toilets, and arrayed

themselves in new garments, of the favourite colours of their mistresses.

In the third, were those who prepared to send presents to their fair

friends. In the fourth, were lovers who put themselves in attitudes to

fight in duel with their rivals. In the fifth, they read novels, or made

extracts from them. In the sixth, were the old fellows who were mad for

love. In the seventh, were young men sick, and who dared not disclose

the causes of their indisposition. In the eighth, married men did that

for their mistresses, which the wives did for their gallants. In the

ninth, widowers imitated the actions of the widows. In the tenth, in

fine, the gentlemen of the church showed themselves more amorous than the

men of the world, because they are addicted to less general dissipation,

and have fewer opportunities for the gratification of their inclinations.

As I came out of this place, I heard a clock striking with a heavy sound,

and reverberating throughout the palace. “What is that?” said I to

Opportunity.

“That,” said he, “marks the hour for private conversation and

appointments; enter into this large hall; you shall soon see a great deal

of the world: wait for me, until I shall return to conduct you out of the

palace, for otherwise you will not be able to find your way.”

I went into the hall, in which were a great number of seats. The

magnificence of the tapestry, which represented the fabulous

metamorphoses, corresponded with the style of the edifice: at the

extremity was a throne of ivory, silver, and gold, under a canopy

enriched with pearls and precious stones. When the persons of both sexes

had entered and sat, a woman of a strange figure, and clad in a very

whimsical manner, placed herself upon the throne; they called her

Passion. Another woman, whom they called Folly, sat near her, and spake

as if she was the queen’s chancellor. Forthwith this princess began to

set forth the advantages that had been gained over the empire of Reason,

who had been for a long time her enemy. While she was speaking, a

stately dame named Jealousy, promenaded through every part of the hall:

she inspired some with fear, and made others laugh; at length she came

near me, and said—

“It is not without some purpose, you are here and separate from the rest;

perhaps you are more fortunate.”

I answered, that “I found myself there without any particular

design.”—“Excellent,” replied she, retiring; and from time to time she

revisited the place where I was, to see if some girl did not come to join

me. As I divined her thoughts, I strove to give her uneasiness; I

affected to exhibit the same myself; I looked anxiously from one side to

the other, as if I had expected some one. I remarked this woman made the

same motions.

When the queen had finished her discourse, many persons presented

petitions, which were all forthwith granted. After that, the princess

announced to all her votaries, that she granted them the propitious

moment, and retired. Immediately each one presented his hand to his

partner, and hastened from the hall. Some went into chambers, and others

walked about. There was no one but Jealousy remaining in the chamber

where I was; she promenaded about the hall, murmuring:—

“I shall see,” said she: “I will watch; I will discover: I will hinder: I

will talk: I shall not be inactive. Ah, good,” cried she to me with

vivacity; “what do you do here? depart, I wish to close the gate.”

As I expected my guide, I was not willing to go out, lest I might lose

myself in this vast edifice. “I wish to wait here for Opportunity,” said

I, “who ordered me to remain in this hall, till he should come to rejoin

me.”

“Reckon not,” replied she, “upon this old dotard; he will not return; he

is gone upon the stream, with the others: believe me; quit this place:”

and thus speaking, she took me by the shoulders, and thrust me out.

I walked upon the garden terrace until I saw descend a silken ladder. I

immediately thought that this was an invitation made to me, and thinking

of nothing but the novelty of the adventure, I ascended. I entered by a

window into a chamber, where I saw a man and a young girl sitting at

table: they were both surprised at my presence, but especially the young

cavalier, who remained immovable: presently recovering himself, and

addressing himself to the lady:—

“Ingrate, this is then the manner in which you betray me! you have then

certainly two lovers, and perhaps fifty?”

“Me, sir!” said she; “I swear to you I know not this gentleman; assuredly

he has made a mistake, in taking my window for that of some other.”

“Yes, yes, he is deceived, but it is in these two particulars; that, in

the first place, he thought me gone; and secondly, in taking my ladder,

for that you are accustomed to hang out for his accommodation; but he

shall repent it.”

Immediately drawing his sword, and taking his dagger in the other hand,

he would have stabbed his mistress. I also drew my sword, and put myself

before the lady, to guard her from the blows of this madman: he dealt me

several lunges, which I parried; I drove him to the window, and as he

perceived himself hotly pressed, he sprang out, which gave me immense

chagrin. The lady had left the chamber; I sought her in vain, and the

agitation of this circumstance awoke me.

I leave it to the consideration of the reader, if this vision is not a

faithful image of profane love: this is the beauty that seduces us; this

is the time we improve; this is the passion which governs us; this is the

jealousy which torments us; this is the hour of temptation: a rendezvous,

a private conversation, a walk. This is that violent motion which leads

to crime. I leave also to the reader, to make his own reflections upon

the occupations of lovers, upon their desire of pleasure, upon their

intrigues, upon their pains. I am persuaded that no one can have an idea

upon the subject, without disapproving of the wanderings of love. It is

not reason which rules in the palace I have traversed: for reason is an

enemy whom they attack, whom they disarm, whom they put far from them,

although she is but a kind friend, who never takes up arms but to succour

us.

FIFTH NIGHT.

THE WORLD.

IF a man of genius, or one only of ordinary discernment, could view the

interior of the world, he would feel indignant at himself even for living

with so much degradation; he could not prevent himself from pitying or

despising those who are attached to it, and who allow themselves to be

deceived by its seductions and artifices. There is hardly a person who

speaks as he thinks; one never sees the intention of the actor; honesty

and knavery have often an air of resemblance; truth and hypocrisy appear

like sisters of the same father; civility and curiosity assume the same

colours; friendship and interest are with difficulty distinguished.

These reflections occurred to me while walking in my garden; I entered

into a summer house, favourable for meditation, and inclined to slumber

by the coolness of the shade, and the murmur of a neighbouring rill, fell

asleep. During my repose, I fancied myself in the midst of a great city,

called Hypocrisy. They informed me that it was the capital of the

internal world, and bore the same relation to it, that Rome did to the

external world, in the time of the emperors. It was here the king of the

internal world usually resided; he was called _Self Love_; and although

he had this appellation, which is, for the most part, in rather bad

odour, he was dear to his subjects, who made it their chiefest glory to

imitate him, and had no other object than the honour of their sovereign.

The two principal ministers of this king, were Interest and Ambition: the

governor of the city was Pleasure. The guards of his majesty were

designated by the names of other human passions; the gentlemen of his

court were lackeys, well accoutred; the farmers of the revenue called

themselves _ministers of finance_: the lawyers, _counsellors of the

king_: the thieves, _judges of police_: the grooms of the stable,

_equeries of the king_: the mountebanks, _physicians_: the bankers,

_masters of accounts_: the clerks of the church, _abbots_: the clerks of

the palace, _secretaries_: the students, _doctors_. There, tailors wear

velvet and gold lace; coblers are cordwainers to the king; gaming houses,

academies: discreditable places, houses of good society: pimps,

convenient people: coquettes, ladies of honour: women of pleasure,

devotees: black girls, handsome brunettes: in fine, coquetry is

friendship: usury, economy: deceit, wisdom, or prudence: malice, wit:

cowardice, equanimity of temper: temerity, valour: parasites are amiable

people: slanderers, free people: and in like manner of others; for in

this country we perceive every thing to be contrary to that we see in the

external world.

As I promenaded the streets of this city, I met an old man, who inquired

of me if I was a stranger.

“Yes, I am,” said I.

“That is very apparent, from the surprise you testify at the novelties of

this city; but if you choose, I will show you things that will astonish

you much more: come into my house.”

Having accepted this courteous invitation, he preceded me without

ceremony, observing, that this was the custom in France.

“Oh, signor,” said I, “it is no more than justice, that you should be

free in your own house; and I know that it is the French humour, not to

accord precedence upon such occasions: because he who first enters,

escapes closing the gate upon the inside.”

We found in the chamber of this old man, two young friars, preparing to

go abroad. They assured us, they could not remain any longer, because

their superior had ordered them to be present at a funeral procession, to

get their wax taper, and customary gratuity.

“What admirable charity in these people,” said I, “who go to a funeral,

not to pray, but to gain.”

Soon after, hearing a chanting, we looked from the window to learn the

cause. We saw a funeral procession, in which were arranged many priests

and religious, with a long file of relations. It was a woman whom they

carried to the grave; the husband was almost mad; and I said to my old

friend, “My God! this man is extremely afflicted!”

“Do you believe that?” answered he: “listen to what he says, when he

arrives opposite.”

In fact, when he came near the house, I heard him say, “I am not so very

unhappy after all! she has wasted the half of my fortune: she has been

sick in bed at my expense these last six months; and her obsequies will

cost me a thousand crowns! Ah, Lord!” cried he in a loud voice, “why is

she dead? and why did you not take me first? or rather, good Lord, why

did you not take her before she had dissipated my money?” At length,

reverting to a more pleasant theme, “I must,” said he, “marry Lucilla:

she having been a serving girl, will not be fond of ostentation; she

knows nothing about luxuries, since she cannot even read. To be sure,

being young and inexperienced, she made a misstep; but the remembrance of

her fault will make her wary. Of the two maids my wife kept, I shall

discharge one; so in three or four years I shall save the expense of this

burial.” “I gain by this chance,” said a relation of the deceased, who

came next: “I gain ten thousand crowns, because she died intestate.”

“This pest of a woman,” said a maid servant who followed, “never failed

to take advantage of every opportunity, and yet entertained an extreme

jealousy of my master and me.”

“Zounds!” said I to the old man, “these people are very sincere!”

“The things you see here,” observed he, “are those which are concealed in

the external world; but if now, you have any curiosity to know with what

occupations widows beguile the time, after the death of their husbands,

step with me a couple of paces and you shall see.”

I directly consented; the object appearing well worth the trouble. There

was at the distance of three or four doors from this chamber a grand

apartment, the entrance of which was hung with black, and the stair-case

covered with the same material. We went in, and after traversing a long

hall, garnished in the same manner, entered into a little room, the

tapestry of which was black velvet; the bed of beautiful red damask,

covered with black crape, with silver fringe. In it reposed a young lady

of the most conspicuous loveliness, one of the fairest I have ever

beheld. I offered her my condolences upon the death of her husband, whom

my old friend had informed me was a gentleman of the sword, and a loyal

subject of the king—_Self-love_. She answered, smiling in the most

affable manner, that she was highly sensible of my politeness, and that

she felt very happy that the death of her husband had procured her the

pleasure of my acquaintance.

“Oh!” exclaimed I, to myself, “what affliction! but let us examine a

little farther.”

I approached the bed, and sat down upon a sofa near by: we conversed upon

many things indifferently, and at length came upon the adventures of

young widows. At this period of the conversation, raising herself up to

take her handkerchief, she exposed to my view, with a beautiful shoulder,

a neck fairer than moonlight. Just as this sight had inspired me with

love, I heard a man snore, who was upon the other side of the bed. She

drew the curtain, and gave the gallant a slight cuff, saying, “you are

very impertinent to sleep thus near a lady in bed.” The other awaking,

was going to revenge himself upon the lady for her slight buffet.

“No, no,” said I, “do not; I should rather be punished myself.”

Both of them then began to turn their raillery upon me. Perceiving this,

I left the chamber, beckoning the old man to follow. I was greatly

scandalized at such conduct, and my companion did nothing but laugh.

What people you have here! amiable widows!

Some hours afterwards, I accidentally met in the street, the beau whom I

parted with at the widow’s.

“It is thus,” said this man, accosting me, “that widows console

themselves, and redeem the time they may have lost with a cross, jealous,

or avaricious husband.”

“You understand these matters well,” answered I; “and madam will soon

forget her loss.”

Conferring thus together, we became familiar: he was anxious to learn my

name, and told me his own, which was Joy.

“I am not astonished,” said I, “the beauty listened to you. A quarter of

an hour spent in your society, will abundantly recompense her for the sad

and weary years passed with a jealous spouse.”

When the old man saw us thus pleased with each other, he said he would

leave me in the company of this honest person, and that he should expect

me at his house to supper, after the play, to which we had determined to

go.

At the theatre we saw comedies about equivalent to our tragedies; and, in

fact, of so close a resemblance, that one might almost fancy them the

same. The story of the one I saw was this:—Two young persons met at the

house of a mutual friend, to concert measures to gain the consent of

their parents to their marriage: their degree was not equal; the girl was

nobly born, and an heiress; the young man poor, and the son of a

merchant. They both promised to put in requisition every possible method

that could be devised, to vanquish the opposition of the old folks upon

whom they depended. The young man said he would make himself an

advocate, and afterwards a counsellor in parliament; the expence of which

he could easily defray in one year after his marriage, with the help of

his wife’s dowry. The girl, on her part, promised not to refuse him any

token of affection; and agreeable to their plan, she was to inform her

mother, that she was pregnant by _Signor Virodeno_; for thus was her

lover called. In order to the furtherance of this design, they

instigated their friend to pretend to betray them, and to apprise the

parents of both parties of what was passing. The parents hastened to the

spot; the lovers came promptly from the chamber; they both heaped

reproaches upon their daughter, and as the mother was about to strike

her, she declared herself pregnant. “Unhappy wretch,” exclaimed her

mother, “you will always be a grief to me; you will bring dishonour upon

the family: I will strangle you on the spot.” “Stop,” said her husband,

“you will only expose yourself to be hanged: we must think rather now to

conceal this disgrace.” “No, no,” said the mother; “let me stab her to

death with this knife.” She would have executed her resolution, had not

her more discreet husband disarmed her, saying, “recollect yourself,

madam; you were in the same situation when I married you; and if your

mother had killed you, you would not to-day have made all this uproar.”

But as she continued to give way to fresh paroxysms of indignation, her

husband enforced his reasons with some wholesome correction. He

subsequently conferred with the parents of the lover, who promised to do

every thing for the advancement of their son, in consideration of the

rank of the young lady’s family, with whom they would not be at variance.

The company then gave a loose to mirth; they found out the young couple

were well matched; they busied themselves in preparations for the

nuptials, and sent to apprise the young man, who had taken refuge at the

house of the governor of the city. He came, accompanied by the proper

officers; the marriage was celebrated; nothing was wanting at the feast,

and they parted on the best of terms. All this scene was in such perfect

keeping, that the young espoused were married at the house of the

maternal father-in-law, who himself did the honours of friendship. Thus

they conclude marriages and other matters: so that there, one can see the

minds of people, and the purpose of every man’s action.

At the palace it is the same; every thing is laid open; the advocates

plead not, but _pro honorario_; the solicitors think of nothing but

prolonging the suits by those incidents they themselves devise; and the

judges, for the purpose of enhancing their fees, deliver a hundred

judgments, when one would answer. As a specimen of their method, take

the following decree:

“Having taken into consideration the petition of Signor _Thief_,

solicitor to the lord _Stupid_, the court do order, that the parties have

day in court, for the space of four years, that the fees may absorb the

sum of three hundred pounds, which must be expended in this suit. Done

at our court of the palace of _hypocrisy_, at the winter term of the

current year. _Pecunia_, President.”

What I have related of the palace, is to exemplify the spirit that reigns

in this city; the same influence governs the court, the army, the

treasury, and the theatre. There were in a box adjoining ours, at the

latter place, two men, who discoursed concerning the sale of certain

merchandize. The seller said, “I wish you to give fifty thousand livres,

for what cost me thirty; but I wish to make a thousand crowns profit.”

The other was not willing to give more than a hundred pistoles. At last

they agreed upon the thousand crowns, upon condition that the seller, who

was a steward, should give to the purchaser the titles to the rents of

certain farms, without the knowledge of his lord, and upon which event

the purchaser was also to give a feast. After the play, I went to seek

my old friend; upon meeting him, he informed me that the king,

_Self-love_, was fallen ill; and that on account of his indisposition,

the whole city prepared to testify their gratitude.

“How,” said I, “can you think of diversions, when the father of the

country lies sick?”

“Yes,” said he, “it becomes us to rejoice; it would be hypocrisy to do

otherwise, when we have a prospect of changing our master.”

“In the world of which I am an inhabitant,” rejoined I, “we feel the most

lively sorrow, if our prince falls sick; and our religion commands us to

offer up prayers for his health.”

“And we,” answered the good man, “are taught to rejoice; for we have no

other policy than interest, and to which your religion is opposed.”

“If Self-love should die,” said I, “you would perhaps be governed by a

less popular king. Pleasure, who aspires to the crown, Interest, nor

either of the other princes of the blood, would exercise a dominion so

happy and sweet. These princes are naturally proud, cruel, and

vindictive: in the place of which, Self-love is often, nay, almost always

solicitous for the preservation of his subjects.”

The conversation turned upon this topic, for some time. The old man,

contrary to the usual spirit of aged people, was desirous that Pleasure

should succeed to the throne. As for myself, I maintained that the

nation would be less happy, under such a sway. After our soup, he wanted

to carry me to see the fireworks, and the ball the governor gave upon the

occasion. I refused to go; these things seeming to me very ridiculous,

on account of the cause that elicited them. The old man was much

offended at my refusal; he told me that I was a sour, dissatisfied man,

and an enemy to the general joy. I replied, that he was an old fool, and

that if he molested me any more, I would throw him out of the window, and

put his family to the sword.

At this moment we heard the cry of fire in the house; and the common

danger caused us to forego our quarrel. The uproar was caused by a

servant girl, who, because her mistress refused, from some cause or

other, to pay her wages, had set fire to the house, from motives of

revenge. They pretended to extinguish it in a very curious manner, which

was, by throwing on light stuffs, soaked in oil. I dreamt that a great

sheet of flame suddenly enveloped me: I awoke on the instant, crying that

I was in a house environed: and thinking the noise I heard came from the

flame,—I cried, “_fire_!” A servant that was seeking me in the garden,

ran, upon hearing me, and told me that some one waited to see me. When I

had finished my business with this person, my dream caused me much

reflection; the more I thought upon it, the closer seemed the resemblance

to what is taking place in the world: in fact, it is _Self-love_ that

reigns, and these are the passions that govern us; and whoever could see

the heart and soul of men, would find them arrant hypocrites. The world

itself is the city of Hypocrisy. It is in this city, that interest,

ambition, pleasure, vengeance, anger, and all other evil passions conceal

themselves. The more I examine, the more clearly these truths

appear:—That whosoever could disabuse himself for a single moment, would

be so, for the remainder of his life: and he who really desires to know

himself and the world, would learn from observation, more than he has an

idea of. The world is, of all things, the most difficult to understand,

and that which one ought to know the best. There is no person who

distrusts himself; consequently, there is no one who realizes, that it is

deceptive, filled with self-love, attached to its own interests, seeking

its own gratifications, vain, unquiet, restless, presumptuous,

vindictive, pure outwardly, criminal within, lovely and fair in

appearance—deserving, at bottom, of hatred and contempt: and what is

still more incomprehensible about this same world, is, there is hardly an

individual who doth not love it; they lose by this love, and they know of

a surety, that it is to this attachment they must attribute their losses:

meanwhile, it pleases all: they seek after it; they wish to serve it;

they abandon to it all which they hold most dear. Some sacrifice to it

their honour for pleasure; others their lives for glory; and some

surrender their repose for the poor ambition of fortune. But it was for

us, the world was created; and that is really the victim one ought to

sacrifice, to preserve his honour, to enjoy eternal pleasures, to acquire

true glory, and amass treasures, that neither rust nor envy can

spoil.—Think not, my dear reader, what I have here presented to you, a

dream, a vision; it is more real than you imagine.

SIXTH NIGHT.

HELL.

I had been, during the autumn, at the country house of one of my friends.

In the parish where he resided, that had not seen its bishop for thirty

years, there had recently been settled a new curate, a fluent preacher,

and very much devoted to the instruction of his flock—reading every

Sunday homilies and sermons, and the greater and lesser catechisms. One

day, I went to hear one of the familiar exhortations, which he usually

gave to his people, concerning heaven and hell: he depicted the latter in

such strong colours, that the whole audience were moved; and each

whispered to himself, O frightful residence! Full of these ideas myself,

I returned to sup at my entertainer’s house. After quitting the table, I

extended myself on a couch; and my friend, seeing me soon overcome with a

pleasant slumber, for we had fared sumptuously, left me, to enjoy himself

the same refreshment. During sleep, I dreamed that I was at the outlet

of an extensive forest, from whence diverged two roads, the one smooth

and broad, the other rough, covered with stones and ditches, thorns, and

thick entangled bushes. I pursued the first, in which I remarked many

houses of pleasure, and multitudes of people, who travelled in carriages,

on horseback, or on foot, at a moderate pace, without fatiguing

themselves. One might see there, persons of all ages, sexes, conditions,

and estates; one might find there, shops, magazines, taverns,

play-houses, and societies of women; in fine, people of every country and

religion. I was not surprised that many came from the narrow way into

ours; but I was greatly so, at some who went from this fine road into the

other, which caused me to inquire where it terminated: as to ours, I

thought it led to Madrid. Some one answered, that the little way

conducted to Paradise; and the one where I was, direct to Hell. I

pursued my journey without making any other reflection. Having travelled

about a quarter of a league, I began to perceive a bad odour, as of

sulphur and bitumen, and supposed it proceeded from baths of mineral

waters, which diffused a strong scent at a great distance around. I

advanced constantly, and arrived at last before a large edifice, which

answered the description of Pluto’s palace, as it is represented in

fable. I found at the gate an immense devil, horrible to look upon. At

this apparition, I stepped hastily back, two or three paces, and drew my

sword, suspecting that some one was thus disguised, to do me an injury.

The porter, perceiving my embarrassment, approached, telling me to fear

nothing; for he was thus clothed, to deter the saints, who constantly

endeavoured to abstract the damned from hell.

“It is then true, that this is hell,” said I.

“Yes, at your service: enter, enter, my lord, one had better come here

living than dead.”

I immediately walked in, and besought a devil whom I met, to show me the

apartments of the palace: he called himself _Curiosity_; this was his

appellation of war, or rather that of his employment; for as angels take

theirs from their offices near God or men, so likewise demons are named,

from the services they execute, or the dignities with which they are

invested.

“They denominate me _Curiosity_,” said the demon, “because it is I who

inspire men with the desire of seeing, listening, proving, and tasting;

and as it is curiosity that opens the door of sin, so it is I who open

that of hell.”

“You may conduct me there,” said I, “on condition that you bring me back

to the gate again, after I have examined it; and you will oblige me still

farther, by leading me afterwards to paradise, which I would also visit.”

“It is not I,” replied Curiosity, “who can conduct you thither, and open

the door; the guide of the way is Retirement, the porter, Virtue; but I

will show you every thing worthy of notice here, and reconduct you to the

place from whence I take you.”

“Very well,” said I, and followed him.

We first entered into a spacious court, where the devils were scourging

the unhappy, who cried, “pardon, pardon, my God! I did not reflect—I did

not believe—who told me of these things;” and many other similar

expostulations.

“These,” observed the devil, “are people, that have come to hell without

thinking about it, without fear, and without believing it.”

“They were then honest in their faith; but why punish those guilty only

through ignorance?”

The devil replied, “they ought to think upon the matter, to instruct

themselves, and be persuaded that hell is no place for mercy—so much the

worse for them.”

I passed from thence into a great chamber, where there were many men

gaming, who swore and blasphemed because they had lost a little money, or

played a bad card. “Behold these people,” said I to the devil, “how

impatient and hasty!”

“That is the cause of their being here.”

In another room we found comedians, who mourned at their captivity, shut

up for having made the world laugh. Said they; “if by chance some

equivocal words have impressed the spectators with evil thoughts, was it

not rather their fault than ours?”

“Oh,” said the devil to me, “if they had done no more than that, they

should scarcely have come here; but think of their lost time, knaveries,

and secret crimes! In the terrestrial paradise, a male and female

comedian enacted a scene, that hath given to the devil the whole human

race.”

“Ah! who had they for spectators when they were alone in the world?”

“No, it is not the comedy which damns the players; it is what passes

behind the scenes.”

In the following chamber were the physicians and their suit: they

composed poisons for themselves; they took the doses when prepared; they

bled and purged themselves, and tried every dangerous and disagreeable

remedy in medicine, surgery, and chemistry, to procure death to

themselves, and could not succeed.

“They once used their art,” said the devil, “for a bad purpose, and now

their art fails them at their utmost need: do what they will, they cannot

die, because the air of hell is a fire which purifies and conserves.”

In a cabinet near this chamber, were a number of persons endeavouring to

make gold, or to speak more plainly, sought to discover the philosopher’s

stone: among them I recognised Tarnesier, he who made the nail half gold

and half iron, which is in the museum of the duke of Tuscany; also a duke

of Saxony, and a duke of the Medici, who knew how to make gold during

their lives, but forgot the secret when they came to hell.

“Is, then, the making of gold so heinous a sin?” inquired I of the devil.

“No,” answered he, “but it is a grievous offence not to know how to make

it, and that is the reason these gentlemen are here.”

“And the others,” said I, “who never pretended to have made the

discovery!”

“Oh, they have not passed off copper for gold, as these have done.”

“Let me see the devotees now,” said I to my conductor; “they are a

species of humanity that will divert me.”

“You are right; these are the fools of hell; it will be more instinctive

to look at them than those of this apartment.”

As we repassed the chambers we had visited, I heard some one exclaim,

“Look at this poor devil, who knows not where to bestow himself;

Curiosity is seeking a lodging for him.”

“Signor,” said one of them to me, “remain here, with the devil’s

permission, if you cannot be accommodated elsewhere.”

I passed by without answer, not wishing to hold any intercourse with the

damned. I found in this place monks and devotees who had hated one

another so rancorously, that they had abused the most holy things of

religion, and wasted the time of the church in giving vent to their

malice, and afterwards would excuse their conduct in terms not used in

the world but to express the most moral, sacred, and holy actions.

“Ah, what hypocrites,” said the devil; “it would have been better for

them, if they had delivered themselves openly to those pleasures, they

concealed under the appearances which deceive the vulgar.”

In another part they were praying after this fashion:—“Lord, let my

father soon taste the joys of Paradise, that I may take possession of his

estate.”—“Lord, take speedily my uncle to thy bosom, that I may have his

benefice.”—“Great saint, make me fortunate at play; disdain not my

prayer; grant that my children may contract opulent marriages, and

prosper in the world.”—“Let my daughter espouse the noble Spaniard.”—They

uttered other supplications fully as extravagant, and added promises and

vows.—“I will give a hundred crowns to the poor, ornaments to my church,

a dowry to six unhappy orphans, two wax tapers, and a chaplet of flowers

to our lady.”—“I will wear a dark coloured habit,” said one girl; “and I

a white,” said another. The first replies, “I am brunette, the violet

suits my complexion;” the second, “I am red, the white becomes me best.”

Next to this apartment was that of women and girls who had been lovers,

and whose number was very considerable. As the history of their folly

was similar, I felt unwilling to listen to it, but traversed their

chamber without stopping, and entered into the quarter of the poets, to

have the satisfaction of beholding the great geniuses of antiquity.

There I was much surprised to find Homer, sitting in the midst of the

Grecian poets, and reading his own _Iliad_, he who had been so blind

during his life. I was tempted to ask him some questions respecting his

works, and had an idea he would reply in verse. With this view I walked

round the circle that was formed, and spoke in these terms to the prince

of poets:—“O, illustrious Homer! light of the universe! author of the

most sublime fictions! the beauty and price of thy writings surpass the

grandeur of the king of Spain, the wisdom of Charlemagne, the abundance

of Ceres, the girdle of the Graces, the tenderness of Venus, the

delicacies of Bacchus, the brightness of Aurora, the height of heaven,

the depth of hell, the vastidity of the ocean, and the variety of the

world, a Spaniard who wants neither spirit nor courage, of Quevedo,

demands of thee if the victory thou hast attributed to the Greeks before

Troy truly belongs to them; and if Paris, that tender lover, actually in

vain took so much trouble to carry off their chaste Helen.”

Homer, rubbing his eyes, answered me thus:—“Here there must needs be

sincerity and truth; for we pay dearly for the boldness and obloquy, that

weak mortals admire: our torments are eternal. I never was in Ionia: I

passed my life in Greece; to honour this nation I sacked Troy; a city

strong, rich, fortunate, and always victorious, and that was finally

destroyed by an earthquake. Helen, to whom I have accorded the honours

of fidelity, was the least scrupulous of all our frail damsels. Leave me

to relent over what hath charmed all the poets of the world. Go from

this place, and tell mortals you found me reading, against my

inclination, those works that have attained the universal suffrage.”

His discourse affected me. I pitied this old man, who wept upon reading

his poems; but I reflected that he had invented all those fabulous

incidents, to which both pagans and Christians are equally attached.

Homer, this genius who knew how to assume so many changes, had he need to

endow with heavenly powers, those brave men whom he sent to the siege of

Troy? he might have created heroes, without making them gods: to be sure,

it is always permitted to poets to feign and magnify their subjects; or,

in other words, the subjects thus aggrandised and exalted to heaven have

no sublimity but in poesy and upon paper, like the figures that painters

trace on canvass, or sculptors upon marble. How could the Greeks mistake

and worship gods who had such an origin? however the thing has happened,

Homer is the cause, and now mourns over his poetry and himself; he has

for companions in misery, his disciples and imitators. Ought this not to

serve as a lesson to living poets, who, abusing their talents, compose

and read seductive works, causing those who think themselves in a

condition to do the like, to lose their time, and often corrupting the

heart in recreating the mind.

From this chamber I passed into that of the Latin poets. Ovid and Virgil

there disputed the throne. Horace chafed that he was not admitted into

the contest, and Martial revenged himself upon them by a piquant epigram.

Horace protested against the whole proceeding of the two first; he

demanded arbitrators, and nominated on his own behalf Scaliger, who has

declared that he would rather have been the author of the ninth ode, than

the possessor of the crown of Arragon; but they would not notice him.

The other poets espoused the party that suited them best: many declared

for Seneca the tragedian, for Terence, and Plautus. These last, read in

a corner of the chamber the finest passages of their compositions. They

now began to talk of settling the dispute with blows: fearing, therefore,

that I might get an unlucky hit in the mêlée, I left the place, and

passed hastily into the chambers of the Spaniards, Italians, French,

English, Turkish, Chinese, and Persian. I noticed the ancient Gaulish

poets, crowned with misletoe of the oak, making processions, and singing

the histories of their first kings.

“Here, upon this side,” said Curiosity to me, “is a chamber of perfumers;

they have fine scents for the gratification of the damned; but you would

hardly be able to bear them.”

“I will take,” said I, “a pinch of snuff.”

I drew forth my box, helped myself, and offered it to my devil; he filled

his nose, but from the titilation he felt in his olfactories, he withdrew

his fingers, when he began to sneeze in such a manner, and with such a

noise, that hell itself seemed sinking under us, he belched forth fire

from his nose, as lightning flashes from a cloud; he put his fore-finger

to it, and there issued forth a rivulet of liquid sulphur, which uniting

with his saliva, formed a torrent of boiling water, that flowed across

the chamber, and passed through the doors and windows; without that I

believe I should have been drowned. These waters fell upon people

underneath, who began to call for help, thinking a river of melted

sulphur and pitch fell upon them. The devil laughed heartily at this

disorder, and told me my snuff was excellent: he asked for another pinch;

I did not dare to refuse him, because he was in his own house; and such a

refusal might, perhaps, have made him regard me as impolite. But this

time, when I put my fingers into the box, the powder took fire as if it

had been saltpetre, and burnt in my hands, at which accident I was not

sorry, being apprehensive of another disorder, similar to the first.

We then entered the chamber of the perfumers: they were occupied in

extracting essences of intolerable odours, which are as agreeable to them

as jessamine, tuberose, orange, and others in use among the men and women

of our world: they made these essences from the oil of the box tree, from

wax, jet, and yellow amber. Their pomatums were composed of galbanum,

assafœtida, rosin, pitch, and turpentine. I was informed that these were

for the use of the ladies of hell, who were served by the perfumers, and

who were, at the same time, obliged to use their compounds, in obedience

to the laws of Lucifer.

From thence, we proceeded along a broad aisle, which terminated at an

elevated pavilion, the apartment of the astrologers and magicians. I met

at the door a chiromancer, who desired to inspect my hand. I extended it

without ceremony; but scarcely had I touched his, before I was glad to

withdraw it, it seemed so hot and fiery.

“I have remarked at a glance,” said he, “that you will be happy if you

are prudent.”

“And you,” said I, “what have you noticed with regard to your own?”

“I knew,” replied he, “by the mount of Saturn, that I was to be damned.”

“Ah, well! if you had exercised the prudence you recommend to me, you

would not have been here.”

I passed without further speech, and saw a man, who, with compasses,

measured upon a globe, the distances between the celestial signs: “what

are you doing, good man?” said I.

“Ah, God!” replied he, “if I had been born but half an hour sooner, when

Saturn changed his aspect, and Mars lodged in the house of life, my

salvation had been certain.”

The others made similar observations, so that one could hardly forbear

laughing at their complaints. There came up one named Taisnerius, author

of a book upon physiognomy and chiromancy, who gazed in my face for such

a length of time, that he quite embarrassed me.

“You look like an old burnt shoe,” said I to him; “go your ways; do not

stop so near me.”

“Look at this beggar,” said he; “see how he affects the man of

consequence, because he wears a sword by his side, and hath the cross of

Saint James! What a physiognomy! What an aspect! What a figure! This

man goes straight to the gibbet: besides, there is here neither wealth

nor rank; all are equal.”

“Insolent fellow,” said I; “if I draw my sword, I will teach you how to

speak to a man of honour; have you not had experience enough to be wise?

you ought to bear in mind the correction you received in Portugal, for

treating a gentleman in the same indecorous manner you have me; but you

are incorrigible.”

“Taisnerius,” said my devil, “get into your hole, and draw your own

horoscope.”

After this trifling dispute, we advanced, and encountered many

astrologers, among whom were Hali, Gerard of Cremona, Barthelemi of

Parma, a certain personage by the name of Tondin, and Cornelius Agrippa.

The moment this last perceived me, he cried out that “the world did him

injustice, in calling him Agrippa the black—in accusing him of magic, and

other similar things, for which, he averred, he had not been damned: that

he was born in an age of ignorance, when good physicians passed for

magicians, astrologers for sorcerers, and all learned men for people who

had converse with the devil; that his book upon the Cabala, was nothing

more but a satire upon the cabalistic art of the Jews, and the little key

of Solomon; and finally, the book itself might be taken as a criterion of

his faith, in those things by which they deceived the simple, and of the

vanity of that science. I am no more a magician,” continued he, “than

Cardan, whom you can see if you wish.”

“Why then have you been damned?”

“Because I abused my knowledge, and amused myself with people’s

credulity; if I had indeed been a magician, I should have become

penitent, and been saved.”

While I was speaking, I heard a tremendous uproar, proceeding from

another apartment, and inquiring the cause, was informed the Turks were

fighting; and as I happened to understand their language, discovered the

quarrel was, in fact, between Mahomet and the two prophets, who had each

established a sect in the Mahometan law. Mahomet complained very

bitterly against Ali, because he had given to the Persians a false

Alcoran, and because Albubekir had so illy explained his own, in Africa.

He, on the contrary, maintained that the Alcoran could have no other

meaning, than what he had attached to it. Ali asserted, there was no

reason in this law; and furthermore, he contended, that Mahomet himself

knew nothing about the book he had composed. They chafed furiously upon

this, and cried out, as if enraged to madness; I heard their dialogue,

but do not wish to be the herald of their quarrels. This was gentleness

itself, compared with what passed among the heretic and schismatic

Christians; there I saw Luther in the habit of the Augustine order, with

his monks about him, and a pot of wine on the table. “Do the dead

drink,” said I, “to the devil?”

“Not at all; but this wine is set before their eyes, for the purpose of

tormenting them with the sight of what they loved so well; it is for the

same reason, that Luther has his wife with him.”

Melancthon was also there; he wept continually, and was so unquiet, that

he could not remain an instant at rest: he traversed from right to left

upon all sides, and then returned to the place from whence he set out,

only to recommence the same journey. “What is this man doing?” said I to

Curiosity.

“He imitates the conduct he pursued in the world; for there he was

alternately with Luther and the church; sometimes a Zuinglian, and

sometimes a Calvinist; thus are the inconstant tormented. This good old

man whom you see here, is Erasmus; this other is Grotius; unhappily, they

neither of them had any religion. This man, who appears so sour, and is

surrounded with ministers, is Calvin, who brought about the reformation.

These others, are heretics of the first ages, who are here for being

reluctant to submit to legitimate authority. See the great Photius

patriarch of Constantinople, how the Greeks surround him: he is justly

punished for having quitted the ministry for the patriarchate; if he had

remained in a civil station he would have been saved; but being mixed up

in ecclesiastical affairs, he committed so much wickedness, that he now

suffers no more than he deserves.”

“A man so learned!” said I to the devil.

“Yes, too much so; and too much knowledge is often more injurious than

profitable.”

I began now to tire of hell, and fatigued with my walk, intimated a

desire to my conductor to depart, and to be accompanied by him as far as

the gate. He replied, he wished first to show me the apartment of the

contractors, whom I had not yet seen, and which was upon a line with that

in which we were. I then entered into the chambers of these farmers of

the revenue, and was surprised to see such a multitude, each habited in

the garb of his own country. “There are here, then,” said I, “people

from all quarters of the globe.”

“Yes,” replied the devil, “since there are every where imposts.”

“But why,” demanded I, “are these people damned, who have levied the

lawful tribute of legitimate princes? I have read in the scripture that

it is lawful to pay tribute unto Cæsar: how shall this tribute be paid,

unless there are people to collect it? must one be damned for doing a

duty?”

“Hold, hold,” cried the demon; “not quite so much philosophy; these

contractors were full as philosophical as you are; but it is nevertheless

true, if they had only levied the tribute due to their prince, they would

not have been damned; but they raised one not due, either to the prince

or to themselves: they would have been much better off, had they not made

so much expense, and the prince had given them but a shilling for a

pound. Calculate, for a moment, what an enormous sum is requisite, for

the compensation of the host of subalterns attached to an office;

consider then, how much the principal must gain; add to that, what goes

into the coffers of the king, without mentioning what is styled the

_perquisites_, and you will find that not more than one per cent of the

ducats are realized at the treasury; and that, he who gets the most, is

doubtless the farmer. If the king of Spain would oblige them to send

straight to him the custom on exports and imports, he would profit by

that the contractors get. There needs but one commissary, for all the

revenues of the king, in each office; he should supervise all the books

and accounts, contenting himself with a generous salary for his care,

punishing frauds by pecuniary fines, and by corporeal inflictions for

second offences. If the matter was thus managed, the king would be

richer, and taxes less; the people would be less burthened, and almost

all this great number of contractors, would remain in commerce, in the

army, or country. How much should you say,” demanded the devil, “the

king received, of what is annually taken from the royal mines?”

“About three quarters,” replied I.

“He would be too well off,” exclaimed he, with a cry of admiration; “he

does not get the thousandth part; all goes in outfits, in expenses; and I

verily believe, that if these things are to continue thus, the king would

gain more by closing them, than in causing them to be worked.”

“At present,” said I, “there is a necessity of levying imposts, of having

contractors, and paying them well: the neighbouring princes do the same,

to furnish their charges and expenses of war: if this is an evil, it is

one that must be endured, to preserve the whole body politic from

destruction. But how is it possible, you can so vehemently dislike the

gentlemen of the revenue, who form by far the largest part of your

infernal population?”

“It is the force of reason,” answered he, “that compels even demons to

avow the truth, and both to love and detest the wickedness we are

desirous of detecting in others, to make them companions of our misery.”

“I admire,” said I, “the force of truth; and I admire not less to see

injustice hated, even among the unjust; but I cannot comprehend, why you

should say, that however legitimate the tribute due to the prince, the

contractors cannot conscientiously take the public money.”

“You misapprehend me; that they can do; but the farmers collect more

money than is consistent with equity, or the orders of the prince; they

extort that which should be useful for the maintenance of the public

weal: it is of this charge, of this waste, the contractors are guilty.”

“I understand you,” said I to the demon; “but conduct me from hence, for

I am weary.”

He continued:—“Do you comprehend what I say, that it is the contractors

who are most happy and rich? and from whence come those superb mansions,

as magnificently furnished as the Escurial palace? how can they support

such enormous expenses? entertain so many gentlemen? give their daughters

such ample dowries? contract advantageous alliances with the noblest

families of Castile and Arragon? Such an one shall command to-day, and

be covered in the king’s presence, who a year since drove a chariot, or

stood behind a carriage. Another, who hired his land, shall presently

purchase the farm he formerly cultivated. Appointed a subaltern in one

of the offices, he soon becomes its head, and is elevated by degrees to

the nobility.”

The demon having finished, I thanked him, and wishing to impress the

lesson on my memory, engaged him to repeat it. He summed up the whole in

the following manner:—“Observe neither what reason or the law prescribes

to thee, respect neither God nor the king, lay the peasantry under

contribution, succumb to the great, become a great proprietary farmer,

cause the purchaser to pay you twice for what you sell: to put out of

sight the baseness of your origin, obtain an appointment in one of the

bureaux, and accustom yourself to command; for by these gradations one

may arrive at the highest dignities.”

“What signifies all that,” said one of the contractors, who listened to

our discourse; “is it not natural for a person to elevate himself if he

can? Is it not the order of Providence, that the lofty should be abased,

and the humble exalted? Fortune is but a wheel, which in its revolutions

puts underneath what but now was on top. If the subjects were more

attached to the government, the sovereign would have less need of

imposts, and consequently of collectors. If they were perfectly just,

they would not need a king. To complain of our avarice is to accuse

heaven; instead of which only the impenetrability of individuals should

be reproached, who would rather see a great kingdom like Spain entirely

overthrown, than advance a single real to repair the slightest breach.

Know, Signor Devil, who has delivered such a philippic against the

contractors, that we have been to our country, what the bones and muscles

are to the human body, or numerous armies to a province threatened with

an invasion: if the king of hell would but consult with us, we should

teach him to fortify his dominions in such a manner, that they would be

impregnable to both saints and angels. In the first place, I would lay a

tax upon every demon who plies his occupation in the world: secondly, I

would establish a daily employment for each soul in the infernal world:

thirdly, I would make the magicians and sorcerers pay an annual tribute:

this will be done, for I have heard the king of the demons was about to

organise a council of financiers; and this is a subject that might well

engage even the attention of that celebrated Englishman, who invented the

first paper currency of England.”

“And wherefore,” said the demon, “impose a tax on us? What will you do

when we refuse to pay? Can you confiscate our estates? In what prisons

will you confine us when you have decreed our arrest? We should mock at

all your projects: ah, little man! you grow licentious! you must be

chained up; come, obey; extend your hands and legs.”

“I shall do neither the one nor the other,” said the contractor; “you are

not here our master; I will call the financial council together; and I am

going this instant to denounce you to the grand inquisition, because you

resist paying tribute to the king of Spain.”

“I laugh at your inquisition,” said the demon, “and to be beforehand with

you, I will denounce you to the prince of devils himself: come, quick,

obey; extend your hands and legs.”

The contractor found himself loaded with irons, in spite of his

remonstrances: the devil then went into the apartment of the inquisitors

to subject them to the same treatment, and afterwards returned to

accompany me to the gate, as I had requested.

“These insolents,” muttered he, “these insects! what pride! what

rodomontades! was there ever seen such supercilious knaves? But I will

humble them in such a manner, and make them suffer so much, that they

will have no stomach to talk of imposts and taxes.”

When we had left these contractors, (whom I regard as the most unhappy

class in hell, because, let them do ever so much good to the prince or to

the state, let them be ever so upright in their administration, nay, even

if they were angels, they could not escape accusation and hatred) our

attention was attracted by an immense crowd, which had arrived and filled

up the avenue in such a manner, that we could not pass, and so were

obliged to fall back to the opposite gate. “Who are these people?”

inquired I of the demon.

“They are,” replied he, “a corps of tailors; they arrive here in crowds,

like great armies, and when they come, all the demons are put in

requisition to confine them; my duty compels me to assist; go with me,

and amuse yourself with our proceedings.”