(_THE GAME AND HOW TO PLAY IT, BY A WINTER SPORT._)
Take a piece of ice (you'll want Switzerland for this). Draw two
circles, one at each end. Draw a line a short distance from each
circle. The drawing can be done with a pin, pocket-knife, diamond,
axe, friend's razor or other edged or pointed instrument. I give no
dimensions because they are dull things and I hate guessing. Talk of
the circles at each end as "houses" and the lines as "hogs," and you
are well on the road to become a curler.
Take two narrow pieces of tin with prickly eruptions on one side.
Place one each end of the ice-patch, prickly side down, and stamp on
the smooth side. Why these pieces of tin are called "crampits" I can't
tell you, unless it's just part of the fun.
You now have a prepared patch that can be used for hop-scotch,
shove-halfpenny, Rugby football or curling. If you have named the
things as directed you really ought to use it for curling.
We now come to the question of players. This is one of the most
important parts of the game. Four a side is the almost ideal number,
but a few more or less do not make any very great difference. But be
sure to get some Scotchmen. They take the game seriously and do much
to make the whole affair bright and mirthful. A slight sprinkling of
Irishmen often serves to bring out more prominently the flavour of the
Scottish humour.
Don't play for money unless you have the majority of Scotchmen on your
side.
The game is played with "stones," or, to use their Scotch pseudonym,
"stanes." To every man two stanes. You can either get your "stanes"
in England and travel out with them, or hire them in the locality.
They make the most pleasant travelling companions and at times are
the cause of many amusing incidents which beguile the tedium of the
journey. Also they often lead to your picking up chance acquaintances.
I have known one stone placed in a dimly lighted corridor of a
train productive of much merriment and harmless banter. Being of
considerable weight they do not readily respond to a playful kick, but
having no sharp corners they are seldom responsible for serious injury
to the kicker.
Every stone, when new, has a handle. Be careful to preserve the handle
intact on the upper part of the stone. If this adjunct be lost or
mislaid the stone is less amenable to transit and almost useless for
its original purpose.
You will also require a long-handled carpet-broom, which you will on
arrival re-name a "cow." Most dressing-bags constructed for foreign
travel are now fitted with these useful and picturesque articles.
The "cow" is used for two purposes. If you are lucky enough to be
appointed scorer for your side you mark the score on the handle in
such a way as to be indecipherable by everyone but yourself. This
prevents disputes with regard to the accuracy of your arithmetic.
You also use it to sweep the ice in front of a friendly stone which
appears likely to give up prematurely from exhaustion. Sweeping is
carried out under the direction of your captain, and the process is
known in the vernacular as "sooping 'er oop." You are not allowed
to retard the progress of a stone, friendly or otherwise, by
intentionally sweeping obstructions into its path. To discard a
portion of your "cow" in front of a rapidly advancing stone is
actionable.
Over-enthusiasm in "sooping 'er 'oop" should be avoided. Ice is
proverbially slippery, and if you fall on to a friendly stone from
excess of energy or from debility, your side is "huffed" that stone.
This is a serious matter, and even if you are able to continue the
game you are looked on with disfavour by your friends.
The object of the game is to get your stone as near as possible to the
centre of the circle at the other end of the rink. With this object
you stand on the piece of tin or "crampit" before referred to, grasp
the stone firmly by the handle and hurl it along the ice. It is almost
essential to let go the stone at the right moment, otherwise it will
hurl you. The game is almost identical with the commoner game of
"bowls," except for the language, which is worse. The term "wood"
is inappropriate and must be avoided, as the use of it may lay you
under a charge of ignorance or flippancy, which you will find almost
impossible to live down.
I will conclude with a few hints to novices. Preserve a cool head
and steady eye. Whilst you are playing your shot your captain will be
dancing about in the circle at the other end of the ice. You will find
it best to disregard his maniacal shoutings and gesticulations. You
will probably not understand half of them and will not agree with the
other half. If he should break a blood-vessel do not take any notice
unless some part of his fallen body is likely to obstruct your stone.
In this case you are entitled to have him moved.
If, after you have played, cries of "hog" or "wobbler" arise, remember
that you are engaged in a sport and not in politics and that there
is nothing really offensive in the terms. Finally, never scoff at the
language used, and above all remember that what is one man's game may
be another's religion.
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[Illustration: LIFE'S LITTLE TRAGEDIES.
SHY AND NERVOUS HUSBAND, ABANDONED IN COSTUME DEPARTMENT BY HIS
WIFE WHO HAS GONE TO THE FITTING-ROOM TO HAVE HER DRESS FITTED, AND
SURROUNDED BY TALL AND BEAUTEOUS YOUNG LADIES WHOSE ONLY BUSINESS
SEEMS TO BE TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A WORM.]
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[Illustration: "EH, BUT I HAD A RARE TIME LAST YEAR-R. A WAS AT MA
COUSIN MACWHUSKIE'S A WHOLE FORTNIGHT, AN' A DIDNA ONCE KEN A WAS
THEER!"]
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