_House of Commons, Monday evening, December 4._--Slight coolness
sprung up between Major RASCH and Members in immediate neighbourhood.
STANLEY LEIGHTON observed an insect of unfamiliar appearance
disporting itself on the Major's back. Closer inspection revealed
presence of others, one carefully pricking its way through his
bristling hair. In these days, when microbes are a little too familiar
in their habit, this curious phenomenon led to some uneasiness.
"Dear me," said Major RASCH, when his attention was delicately called
to matter; "some of 'em must have got out. Only locusts, dear boy;
needn't be frightened; put down question to HERBERT GARDNER as to
importation of Russian hay which is swarming with locusts. GRAND YOUNG
GARDNER absent; engaged in cultivating the influenza microbe; HERBERT
GLADSTONE undertaken to answer question. I know these young Ministers;
sure to pooh-pooh question. So, being an old soldier, prepared
counter-movement; got handful of locusts; clapped 'em into box;
brought 'em down, intending to hand box over to HERBERT. They seem,
however, to have anticipated proceedings. Prized lid off box, and
swarmed all about; looking for wild honey, I suppose. Hope they won't
catch SPEAKER'S eye. Lend us a hand to net a few before they attack
HANBURY."
If Session goes on much longer will get itself counted out. Members
falling around us like leaves in wintry weather. PRINCE ARTHUR not yet
back; GRANDOLPH off to sunnier climes; JOHN MORLEY, out too soon after
approach to convalescence, gone to break the bank at Monte Carlo; not
likely to be seen here again this side of Christmas. And now BOBBY
SPENCER down; fallen on the field of battle. Came into lobby just
now at usual brisk pace; made his way to Whip's room; drooped on
threshhold. Happily nothing serious; only a passing faint; but
eloquent of strain upon Members in these times. For BOBBY, of course,
the weight is exceptionally heavy. _Nous autres_ come and go; make
holiday when we can get a pair; as often as we have the heart to do
so meet with light negative BOBBY'S touching appeal, "You dine here
to-night?" But for him, always on the spot, his young head full of
State cares, his manly bosom enfolding innumerable State secrets, it
is different. Now the long pending blow suddenly falls, and BOBBY, not
without reminiscence of the elder PITT in an earlier Parliament, fails
at his post--"Young LYCIDAS and hath not left his peer."
Yet once more, O ye laurels, and once more,
Ye myrtles brown, with ivy never sere,
I come to pluck your berries harsh and crude,
And with forced fingers rude
Shatter your leaves before the mellowing year.
Bitter constraint, and sad occasion dear
Compels me to disturb your season due:
For LYCIDAS is down, down ere his prime.
"'Compels,'" said the Member for Sark, nothing if not critical.
"Wouldn't you write 'compel'?"
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY BILLIARD TOURNAMENT. "A LONG BREAK."]
* * * * *
"Yes, I should; but MILTON didn't; and, on the whole, I prefer his
style."
_Business done._--Pegging away at Parish Councils Bill.
_Tuesday._--Since Parish Councils Bill went into Committee, Mr. G.
has been silent in I don't know how many languages. It is highest
compliment to Minister in charge of a Bill that his Leader should
find it possible not only to refrain from taking part in debate, but
habitually to absent himself through long periods of a sitting.
HENRY FOWLER has earned this distinction. His management of intricate
measure has been excellent; conciliating Opposition without causing
revolt in sensitive ranks on own side. His Parliamentary position
distinctly advanced.
To-night Mr. G. drawn into fray. It was JOKIM who did it. At opening
of sitting FOWLER resisted Amendment by STRACHEY making it permissible
to transfer parochial trusts to management of Parish Council. After
nearly two hours' debate, RIGBY put up to say that Amendment on same
lines standing further down, in name of the contumacious COBB,
would be accepted. "A put-up job!" cried GOSCHEN, sternly eyeing the
irreproachable RIGBY.
[Illustration: "A put-up job!"]
This too much for Mr. G. Sat bolt upright from recumbent position in
which he had listened to debate. His eyes blazed; a Jovelike frown
clouded his brow; his hands moved restlessly, as, leaning a little
forward in attitude to spring, he waited till the unconscious JOKIM,
blinking at other side of table, should sit down. Spoke for only ten
minutes; his energy supernal; his voice, long unused, magnificent. "A
put-up job!" he repeated in scornful tones, with sweeping gesture of
the arm. Drew graphic picture of Editors of new Dictionary coming upon
this phrase in Parliamentary Report citing it, as thus:--
"JOB, a put-up." (_The Right Hon. J. Goschen, M.P._)
Young Bloods behind Front Opposition Bench in historic corner,
whose recesses MELLOR'S glance cannot penetrate, didn't like
this. "Question! Question!" they roared. "It is a very interesting
question," said Mr. G., ready for a tussle with them if they insisted.
Pretty to see JOKIM turn round and rebuke the Young Bloods on back
Benches. He was the object of attack; on his head the vials of
bubbling wrath overflowed. But JOKIM has not lived in House of Commons
all these years without its traditions of high courtesy and respect
due to age and position being ingrained. He was shocked to hear speech
of Leader of House broken in upon with noisy cries of "Question!" and,
though they came from his own camp-followers, he did not hesitate to
administer sharp rebuke. _Business done._--Got into fresh tight place
with Parish Councils Bill.
_Thursday._--Quite lively to-night. Merriest evening since Home-Rule
Bill left us. Began with SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. GORST, who is thinking
of leaving his property to found almshouses for pious
ex-Solicitor-Generals, is alarmed at probable operation of this Bill.
His prophetic eye sees time when Parish Council of the future will
step in, snap its fingers at him (the Pious Founder); will
probably introduce Conscience Clause in matutinal exercises of aged
ex-Solicitor-Generals. GORST draws up case on back of Orders; presents
it in form of conundrum. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD hugely contemptuous.
Nothing easier than to draw up trust deed in form that should obviate
catastrophe foreseen by GORST'S fervid fancy.
"Just as easy," he says, "as a boy drawing an animal writes over
it 'This is a lion.' You draw your trust; write 'This is an
Ecclesiastical Charity,' and there you are. It will be out of purview
of the Act."
This would have been all very well if JESSE COLLINGS had not chanced
to be among audience. Members evidently carried away by SQUIRE OF
MALWOOD'S sophistry. JESSE pulled them up.
"Supposing," he said, looking unutterably wise, "the boy draws an
animal; writes over it, 'This is a lion,' and it turns out to be an
elephant. Where are you then?"
House really didn't know; positively staggered. "Just like one of
those questions the _Carpenter_ in 'Through the Looking Glass' used
to ask _Alice_," said GEORGE CURZON. "Floors everybody." Instead of
sitting down and bravely facing difficulty suggested by JESSE'S active
mind, Members, catching sight of SOLICITOR-GENERAL contemplating
nature from Treasury Bench, with one accord turned upon him. Cries of
"RIGBY! RIGBY!" filled Chamber. Everything forgotten in excitement of
this new chase. The lion lay down with the elephant, and the SQUIRE
OF MALWOOD led them. PRINCE ARTHUR, back after a bout of influenza,
joined in chase with boyish energy. HENRY JAMES and JOSEPH answered
from opposite camp. J. G. TALBOT delivered what, judging from his
manner, was a funeral sermon over departed but anonymous friend; only
a sentence heard here and there amid the uproar. SOLICITOR-GENERAL
sat silent, with no other sign of consciousness than an occasional
benevolent shaking of the head when the cry of "RIGBY! RIGBY!" rose to
stormier heights.
At length PRINCE ARTHUR moved to report progress. With this pistol
at his head, RIGBY rose, and proceeded in his inimitable manner to
deliver an opinion on the case. When lo! the strangest thing of all
happened. Members on Opposition benches, who had made themselves
hoarse in clamouring for RIGBY, now when he coyly yielded to their
flattering insistence on his stating his views, hurriedly left the
House. But they'd had their joke, a joke two hours long. Were not
going to have it spoiled by an anti-climax.
[Illustration: Baiting the Solicitor-General.]
_Business done._--None; but a merry night withal.
_Friday._--More about Charities as affected by Parish Councils Bill.
Opposition got their back up. They love the Bill more than ever;
but they will not let it pass. A great deal said about charity; but
there's no lovingkindness. Encouraged by hunt of last night turn
again upon SOLICITOR-GENERAL. A thirst for information. PRINCE ARTHUR
insinuatingly suggests that House would be happy if RIGBY would
only give his views as to the precise meaning of phrase "parochial
charities." RIGBY affects not to hear. Diligently makes notes on his
brief with preoccupied air. JOSEPH runs in from behind and pulls
the hair of his right hon. friend the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. The SQUIRE,
nothing loath, lets fly from the shoulder. Rumpus; somebody moves
Closure; Chairman takes no notice; at end of two hours Committee
divide. Coming back, approach identical question from slightly
different point of view; talk round it for another two hours. At
twelve o'clock we go home with uneasy feeling that for all practical
purposes, as far as progress of Bill is concerned, we might as well
have stopped there. _Business done._--None.
* * * * *
ERRATIC.--There was an odd-looking misprint in _Le Figaro_ for
Wednesday last of an "r" for an "i," so that what was intended for "la
Cour d'assises à Old Bailey" read "la Cour d'assises à Old Barley."
Our friend in _Punch_, "Old BILL BARLEY," would be pleased to find
himself famous in French.
* * * * *
THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS.--Death to dealers in death!
* * * * *
Transcriber's Note:
Page 282: 'glosing' is an archaic word.
(Glose) n. & v. See Gloze. Chaucer.
(Gloze) v. i. [imp. & p. p. Glozed; p. pr. & vb. n. Glozing.]
[OE. glosen, F. gloser. See gloss explanation.]
1. To flatter; to wheedle; to fawn; to talk smoothly. Chaucer.
(etc., from Webster's 1913 Online Dictionary).
* * * * *