THE LOYAL LEAGUE IN COUNCIL.
Speech of Hon. Bones Button before the State Council of the Loyal
League--What followed--Amusing Contretemps.
Mr. Cheermon, and Gemmens: Der crisis am upon us. I repeats, surs, and
wishes dat dis obserwashun should sink down into de conclusibness ob ebery
individooal who heers me. Der Ku--crisis am upon us. As a member of dis
spectifle body, I am de las' pusson who would wish to use my perfesshun to
cover up dis sollum trufe. We is stannin', Mr. Cheermon, upon de ragged
confouns ob de bloody kazzum; and I repeats, dat de question for us to
solve dis ebenin' is: Shall we go fowards, or be pushed fowards.
[Sensation.] Fur be it frum me to "sing de song ob de sirum" when de
liberties ob de black man am inwaded, and de nasshumal honor is bein'
piled in de dust by de rabble (rebel) asstocracy. But, surs, lookin' up to
de umbragus folds ob dat spar-strangled banner, I is impressed with anoder
conclushun, and it is in dese wurds follerin, to wit: We is occupyin' de
ticklish edge ob a dillemmer, in de lite ob which de man who crossed de
Rubimcom am but a faint epistle. Yes, my spectifle feller-bredren, to use
a catephoricle flower ob de tropics, we have arriv' at a tite spot. We am
obfusticated, so to speak. [Assenting groans throughout the assembly.] Den
de riddle for us to read dis ebenin', in de light ob dese distressin'
surkumstances, is: What ar' to be did? In addressin' de collectiv' wisdum
of dis orguss resemblage, I axes, is we to go fowards? Is we to wait till
de nex' ebenin' or de nex' year? Is we to fold our hans behind our bax,
and hole our bref suspinely until de Klu-Krux animile has squatted hisself
squar' down on our liberties? Is we, I ax, to bump down in de middle ob
dat rode whar' de Klu-Krux Juggernox goes tootin' majestercally along over
de dethroned carcasses ob de black man, and whar you may holler peace!
peace! but you can't be heard; and you wouldn't be notissed if you was.
But, Mr. Cheermon, before perceedin' fudder wid de docturnal pints of dis
discusshun, I shall have sumfin to say in respex to Klu-Krux-Klam from a
scienticular pint of obserwashun. How is dis, I ax? Whar is de gettin' out
place, de tail, so to speak, of dis conundrum? [A pause, during which
several members are observed to scratch their heads meditatively.] Dar am
a proverb which says, "Ketch a Klu-Krux before you puts him to _def_," or
words to dat effec. Dat feature of de bizness I disposes to ten' to in
pusson, Mr. Cheermon, and if I can git de contention of de brilyunt
dissembly what sits in judgment upon dis and oder topics dis ebenin', I
will open de merits of dis opinyun to de verymost chile in understandin'.
Sposen dat we takes dese wurds, "Klu Krux Klam," as dey 'peers in de
original Greek, and transplants dem into de original Inglish. Take de word
Klu, dat wurd about which dare has been so much unsiantickle sputin, and
what is dare in it? Is dare an individooal under de soun' of my voice who
duzzent know de orfograthy of a wurd of three monysimples? Is dare, I
axes, in dis orguss body, a pusson who is sich a babe in understandin' dat
he duzzent know dat b-a-k-e-r spells baccer? Den I say to my spectifle
feller-sitterzens, dat if you will take de wurd Klu, and hang its ole
fashyun'd Inglish close on it, dat it will spell "clew," and if dat is so,
what fudder clew could you have to dis whole subjec'? [A member here rose
to a point of order, objecting to the "orfograthy" of the Hon. Bones'
premise, and claiming that the word under discussion was not "klu," but
"ku." There is no telling what this might have resulted in, if the
individual had been provided with documentary proof of his statement; but
as he was not, he was compelled to retire amid the jeers of the audience
and the loud taunts of the speaker, who elevated himself on a bench in
order that his rhetoric in this instance might have its full effect.] Den,
my feller-sitterzens, if de wurd "klu" means what it says it duz, de wurd
"krux" means krux, and de wurd "klam" means klam--dat is to say, if the
wurd klu means _clew_, neither of dese wurds means nuffin'. Dat pint is
suffishuntly clur to a man up a tree, and no doubt is understood by de
gemmen who spells "klu" widout a l.
But, cummin' back to de merits of de discushun, I disposes now, Mr.
Cheermon, to angeline de word klu, which, as I has before tuk occashun to
say, is de clew to dis whole mystery. Let us taik de consummant k, which
is de indecks letter, and pints to what follers. Duz dis letter have any
siggerfication apart from its connectin' links in dis wurd, or duz it hav
such a siggerfication? I beleevs dat de intellumgence of every pusson in
dis orgunce, if I may except one individooal, will bar me out dat it duz.
Dat pint bein' settled in a excloosive way, which, I may sugges', is much
de smallest part of de wurk, we must now perceed to find de siggerfication
aforesed, and de logickle delusions upon which it rests. What, may I ax,
duz de letter k stan' fur? Duz it stan' for cow? Is dare a pusson in dis
orgunce, who will lif' his head and dissert that k stans for cow? Wall, if
it duzzent stan' for cow, is it a far prejux for crow? Would a cup set on
its flatness, Mr. Cheermon, with rich a handle as k to it? Will the gemmen
who spells klu widout a l, pertend to spell cat widout a c? I persoom not.
Wall, then, my feller-sitterzens, if k duzzent stan' for cow; if it is too
crooked for cup; if it wooldn't spell crow widout bein' turned wrong side
foremos'; if it duzzent suit the gemmen's noshuns of cat; an' is too
crooked and not crooked enough for "crooked," den what, may I ax, duz dis
unekest of alfybetic frenonymongs outline wid de adumkate purpyscruity. If
it am eber used as de forefix fur knife, knot, knob, knock-under, and sich
like, it ar' bekase its crookedness let it out'n de rite paf, and not
'kase it felt called on in de way of tendin' to its own bizness.
But no diffunce if it do fail in oder respex, my feller-sitterzens, it
won't do to say dat dis consummant k am a failure, and ostrumsize it from
de langwidge. I am not one ob dose dat am committed to de beleef dat it am
a bow-legged nonjuscrip, a onaccountable freak of de English alfybet, an'
good for nuffin but to lean up agin more spectifle consummants, and thow
de lines out'n shape.
An' if dat be de sollum trufe, I pauses once more to ax whar is de stitch
in de temple of langwidge dat dis alfumbettycle beformity was made to
order to fit into, so to speak. What ar' its mishun in de worl', and how
is we to arrive at dat pint. In diggin' about de roots of dis boss
conundrum, Mr. Cheermon, we wants to have nuffin to do wid scientifficle
reductions, nor logickle abscraptions, as we understans de metumsquizzicle
bearin' ob dose terms; but, on de oder han', if the court am exquainted
wid her own diktum, and she think she do, we feels bemooved to argify
strate to de pint in hand. Now, in respex to de consummant beforesed, I
taiks de hi groun' dat if dere is any offis dat it can fill better than
any oder consummant, dat, dat am its mishun. Or to miscomterpret my
persac meanin' wid more purpyscruity, if dare is enny spot in de presinks
of de langwidge dat can't navumgate widout it, and dat it can't navumgate
widout, dat, _dat_ am de shoo fur it to war. Havin' adjostled dat pint to
de weakes' understandin', we nex' inquire if dere is enny wurd in de
dickshummary dat can't be spelt into a syllumble widout de ade of dis
consummant. I taix it upon miself to say, Mr. Cheermon, dat dere is such a
word, and widout enny furder surcumloscrution, or bein' too pertickler
about de orrytorrycal effec of mere metumsquorricle figgurs of speech, I
will perceed to denounce it in your heerin'. (Sotto voce.) Kill. (A pause,
followed by a lumbering sound and the disappearance of two woolly crowns.)
I trus', Mr. Cheermon, dat dis am considered no interbumption, an' if enny
oder brudder should feel discomposed to roll off de bench jurin de fudder
discontinuance of dese remarks, it won't be tuk as no mark of misrespex to
the gemmen who has de floor. But, to rejerk to de subjec' in ban'. De bes'
excepted, and de only excepted, siggerfication of de consummant k, am de
mistickle wurd just denounced in your hearin', and I shall ax you to
squeeze dat pint, while I maix a rapid sarch over dickshummary groun' for
de indecks belongins of de rejineder part of dis word klu, dat is, de
consummant l, and de avowal u. In respex to de consummant l, I would wish
to say in de fust place, fustly, dat the mixtur' of learned doubts
enterin' into its conjugation am not near so obfusticatin' as de las'
beforesed, an' dat havin' obtaned de persac fractional squantum of de
befogoin, we can, as it wur, look fowards to subsumquent revolutions of de
topic. Darfore, widout enterin' into de rejux system of argyfyin fudder
dan to appli de rools dat was foun' to wurk so hamboniously in respex to
de las' named, we arrives at de delusion dat de mos' acceptumble
renderation of de consummant l is to be foun' in de mistickle terms lick,
licks, and "lick 'em," or de las' beforesed in purtickler, or all three in
purpentickler. Now, if enny brudder whose sperience and obserwashun am
purtickler sensitiv on dis pint, feels cauled upon to say dat de most
pinted complication of dis consummant is to be foun' in de word "lam," or
dat it was made to order for de word "lash," or was put into de alfumbet
wid special reffermence to de wurd "larrup," or was made out'n whole clof
as a prehitch for "lambaste," I will 'low him dat privumlege, and widout
been outdone in dishonorableness, will give him de floor when I discludes.
In pointrefax, Mr. Cheermon, when we looks at all de crosses and dotses of
dis argyment, when we sees all its pros and cros, de delusion am forced
upon us, _roles bolus_ (nolens volens), so to speak, and in de langwidge
of one of our country's most illustrious poicks, "Dat do settle it."
Havin' foun' den, my feller-sitterzens, by jiggernometrical injuction, de
persac valyer of de quantitums k and l in de trombonial k-l-u, we will
now perceed to exburden our conshusness of sum thoughts havin' reffermence
to de avowal u. If dat which needs no splainin' may be made de subjec' of
splainatory logic, widout on de oder han' rejucin' de speaker to de
distressin' condishun of hyperbolus, I shall, in a brefe space of time,
more or less, egshibit to dis orgunce de close anallumgy dat exists
betwixt de avowal u, and de pussonal pronoun "you." I takes it for
granted, Mr. Cheermon, dat every individooal dat has a place in dis orguss
resemblage, am fermilliar, either by "hearsay" or "theysay," wid dat
principul of de Common Law dat purvides dat whar wurds are to be
miscomterpreted, dat de meanin' is to be fastened onto um what am neares'
at han', and dat if dey am already purvided wid a resonably far
siggerfication, dat it shall be onlawful to prowl off in sarch of one what
soots yer better. Dat pint bein' settled, I will not do enny gemmen in dis
orgunce de misrespex to persoom dat if a Klu-Krux wur to pint a six-bar'l
blunderbuss under his oil-factory of smell, and say "you," as loud and
suddint as a clap of armytillery, dat he would disclude dat he meant sum
odder feller, and fail to locomoshy in de odder direction. Takin' den, my
feller-sitterzens, de consummants k and l in de trombonial (trinomial)
k-l-u, and it will be seen dat dey have close refermence to de avowal u,
and _visum versum_, and dat in dese three alfumbettycle cosines, and de
mistickle siggerfication detached to each, ar' de whole substanshuation
of de mystiffercation of de Klu-Krux-Klam.
Den, Mr. Cheermon and feller-sitterzens, if dese be de mos' obdurous
intenshuns of dose ruffumlians, duz it not, let me ax, bemoove this loil
body to take immejit steps to surcumvalidate, deturrimerate,
homswogglemerate, and murder-r-r-- [This expression stuck in the speaker's
throat, for, being attracted from the up-stairs of his eloquence by what
he at first mistook for an outburst of enthusiasm on the part of his
hearers, but was afterwards induced to believe proceeded from some more
serious cause, he looked around him upon great waves of panic that lashed
the building from side to side--at first converting all obstacles into a
causeway for their terror, but at length flowing into currents that beat
strongest where the drifts of wrecked and storm-tossed furniture formed
artificial banks. Having the organ of comparison well developed among the
other faculties, the brain of the statesman took in the situation at once;
for, observing with what success doors and windows were swept from their
moorings at the heads of the retreating columns, he saw the twenty or more
ghostly embodiments that occupied his rear in imagination only, and,
hesitating for one instant, he joined the assault on the "imminent
breach," ballasting his flight with cries that bore a marvellous
resemblance to the changes of which the last word of the "befogoin" is
susceptible. Reaching a neighboring window at the end of two vigorous
jumps, he passed out into the night--a distance of "eighteen foot in the
clur," as he afterwards testified--and regaining his feet and the top of
his bent simultaneously, "the startled ear of outer darkness" heard
something like the report "murder," at brief intervals of time
accommodated to long intervals of space, for about the period employed by
an Erie express train in exhausting a winter horizon.]