_House of Commons, Monday Night, February 25._--Glasgae setting its
house in order. Local authorities have drafted Bill regulating
domestic institutions. One of a class that come regularly to
Westminster. House knows nothing of particulars, but is final arbiter.
This Bill, like many others of same kind, would have passed without
notice, if lynx eye of JEMMY LOWTHER had not chanced to fall upon it.
Horrified to discover its many infringements of personal liberty.
Glasgae bailies well known for what ASQUITH would call their "almost
convulsive" purity. Only the other day they sternly repressed artistic
enterprise whose development was unaccompanied by what they regard as
adequacy of clothing. In this Bill they leave nothing untouched.
Happily, whustling on the Sabbath is a crime long ago stamped out on
the banks of the Clyde. But there are other habits indigenous to
headlong youth which Glasgae is determined to put down. Boys have been
known, for example, unlawfully to run behind a tramcar, following up
the vehicle with felonious intent of obtaining a free ride, probably
in the opposite way they were going when they met the conveyance, and
were attracted by the opportunity furnished by the conductor
collecting fares on the roof. They would be well advised, after the
Glasgae Corporation Police Bill is passed, to forego that delirious
delight. As CROSS, apologetically presenting himself as Glasgae
citizen and Glasgae Member, put it, if the Bill passed, no cat could
catch a mouse, no dog might worry a rat in Glasgae, without being
subject to a penalty of forty shillings. A similar fine awaits a man
upon conviction of having exposed to public view a leg of mutton,
unless it be decently draped.
Effect of Bill upon CALDWELL a little painful to Members sitting near
him. Lashed himself into appalling fury. Desiring, with national
economic instinct, to make one effort simultaneously serve two
purposes, he pitched his voice in a key upon which, whilst ostensibly
addressed to SPEAKER in Chair, it might be heard in Glasgae. Something
weird-looking about CALDWELL when he thus from his seat in House of
Commons whispers in ear of constituents in far-off Lanark. The
startled stranger crossing Palace Yard and hearing the voice grow more
thundrous as he advances, pictures to himself a man in a towering
rage. Reaching House he will find upright behind Treasury Bench a man
decently dressed in black, without the slightest flash of expression
on his face, roaring with volume of sound that would cause to blush
any stray bull of Bashan meditatively making its way down Sauciehall
Street, pricking up its ears at the reverberation brought northward
across the timorous Tweed.
As CAWMEL-BANNERMAN, suffering on the bench below, observed, "It
really doesn't seem fair that a man should, with perfectly placid face
and mien, continuously roar in this fashion. If he were in Glasgae
under this Police Bill, he would immediately be wrapped up in a decent
cloth and fined forty shillings."
_Business done._--ASQUITH moves for leave to bring in Welsh
Disestablishment Bill. "Sheer political cant of the most nauseous
kind," was HICKS-BEACH'S genial description of HOME SECRETARY'S
argument.
_Tuesday._--"The world," said CHESNEY, speaking just now in debate on
EVERETT'S motion, "is divided into two classes, people who understand
the subject, and people who do not. The former are all bimetallist,
the latter are gradually going over."
I fancy I must be going over; certainly I don't understand the
subject. Thankful, therefore, for opportunity to hear EVERETT
discourse on it. A tall, grave-looking man, with a touch of sadness
suggestive of long brooding over bimetallic theories. In fullness of
design to instruct House, went back all the way to JULIUS CÆSAR.
Finally arrived in Garden of Eden; recalled fact that originally, in
time of primeval peace and prosperity, two people walked in it. This
principle of duality ran through everything. "There are, for example,"
said EVERETT, swinging his pince-nez between finger and thumb in
convincing manner, "white corn and red corn, white grapes and black
grapes." ("White sand and grey sand," hummed WILFRID LAWSON, waking up
out of sleep.) "Nature has given to each of us two eyes for the common
purpose of sight, two ears to hear withal, two hands and two legs."
("What about the Isle of Man?" asked ROCHFORT MAGUIRE. "Understand
they have three legs there.")
"We are created in two sexes," EVERETT continued, half closing his
eyes and paying no attention to the voice of the scorner; "whose
highest purpose is fulfilled only when they are married."
Here he opened his eyes and glanced significantly at MAGUIRE. ROCHFORT
blushed. Wished he hadn't interfered.
These arguments, new in controversy of long standing, proved
surprisingly conclusive. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD spoke for hour and a half,
vehemently declaring that he would have nothing to do with
bimetallism, would not touch it with a pair of tongs.
"Sorry to interrupt the right hon. gentleman," said EVERETT; "but he
has just alluded to another instance of the infinitude of the
principle of duality. Did any hon. Member ever see a tong? No, always
a pair. _Toujours_ two, as the French say."
SQUIRE finished up by announcing he would accept EVERETT's amendment,
though most careful to protest that it really meant nothing, least of
all approval of the heresy of bimetallism.
"You may say what you please," said COURTNEY; "so long as you take our
resolution."
Then the bimetallists jubilantly went home arm in arm.
"Arm in arm, of course," said EVERETT, driving off in a pair-wheeled
hansom. "Still another illustration of the irresistible, illimitable
principle of duality. Wish, by the way, I'd mentioned when on the
subject that the result of marriage is occasionally twins. One of
those things--or should I say two of those things?--a fellow always
thinks of on the staircase."
_Business done._--SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, swearing he would ne'er consent
to bimetallism, consented to adopt resolution put forward by
bimetallists.
_Friday_, 2 A.M.--Few people know, even suspect, what takes place here
when we have a "nicht wi' Burns," or rather an early morning. Not
known, because few Southerners remain to witness orgie: no English
paper reports it. According to beneficent Standing Order, ordinary
debate stands adjourned at midnight. Members go home, whether work in
hand accomplished or not. One curious exception to rule. Scotch
Members, accustomed to get a little more for their money than other
sections of community, managed to carry amendment whereby matters
relating to educational affairs North of the Tweed may be discussed
all night if necessary. Accordingly, from time to time, when ordinary
business of sitting wound up, Scotch Members clan together and make a
night of it.
Happened just now. At midnight Welsh Disestablishment Bill brought in;
Members troop off leaving what JOKIM irreverently calls "a Pict
selection of Scots." Business on hand related to Universities
(Scotland) Act, 1889. So it appears on Order. First business actually
is to bring in the haggis. MACFARLANE told off for this duty, because
he's only member who, being resident in London, has his kilt handy.
Also there is a subtle, inexpressed feeling that his flowing beard
(when it can be kept out of the haggis-dish) gives a bardic appearance
to ceremony. Dr. FARQUHARSON preceeds him with bagpipes, which seemed
to-night to have just a slight touch of influenza. CALDWELL brews a
peck o' maut; "Cald without" they call it, in spite of the rising
steam and the stirred-up sugar. But a Scotchman, as DONALD CURRIE
admits, is not to be done out of a joke on account of a few awkward
details in the way of matters of fact. No pipes are allowed except
those in FARQUHARSON'S hands, but they manage to face deprivation, and
have, on the whole, a merry evening. Joining hands round table, on
which lay the astonished Mace, we sang "_Auld Lang Syne_" just now,
and so home to bed.
Don't quite know what became of the Universities (Scotland) Act, 1889.
Fancy we repealed it. _Business done_ (_earlier in sitting_).--Welsh
Disestablishment Bill brought in.
_Friday, Midnight._--Best day's work since Session opened. At morning
sitting ASQUITH moved for leave to bring in two important measures,
and got it. If things go on at this rate HOME SECRETARY will soon be
known as ASK-WITH-SUCCESS. At night useful discussion on Post Office
contract with Telephone Company. When SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE
interposed everybody thought he was going to show that all the evil
dilated upon came from having PREMIER in the House of Lords. Didn't
even mention ROSEBERY, unless he meant to include him in condemnation
of "financiers and other disreputable persons."
_Business done._--Bills brought in to Amend Factories and Workshop Act
and Truck Acts.
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[Illustration: QUITE CORRECT.
_Lady Visitor_ (_looking out on playground_). "AH, THERE ARE ALL THE
GIRLS, AND MY LITTLE GIRL AMONG THEM! WHAT ARE THEY DOING?"
_Schoolmistress._ "THEY'RE MAKING A SNOW-WOMAN."
_Lady Visitor._ "A SNOW WHAT?"
_Schoolmistress._ "_MY_ YOUNG LADIES ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE A
SNOW-MAN!"]
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