Author of “A Bull Movement in Yellow Horse,”
“The Henpunchers of Piperock,” etc.
I was christened Henry Clay Peck, but as soon as I gits big enough to
answer to the yell uh “grub pile” I has my cognomen depleted to the
extent that I answers to “Hen.” Maw insisted that I be called Gilliland
Van Dyke, but paw said it was too much like brandin’ uh calf with the
map uh Texas.
The next one to my left on the top pole of the corral is uh misfit
uh nature, or whatever is to blame fer creatin’ fat cowpunchers. His
carcass requires the biggest tree ever put into uh stock saddle. His
parents saddled him with the signature uh Lemuel Allender Bowles and
uh forgivin’ nature. He responds when yuh yells “Muley.”
On my right, danglin’ over the top pole is “Telescope” Tolliver.
Telescope was originally, so he sez, John Quincy Tolliver, by gad
suh! He allus adds the “By gad suh!” to give folks the impression
that he’s from the South, but I’ve got inside information that the
nearest he ever came to bein’ from the South was the time uh Montana
sheriff chases him over the line into Wyoming and uh Wyoming sheriff
chases him back.
We admires each other uh heap. Muley writes poetry; Telescope sings,
and I plays the banjo. We’re jist three cowpunchers--but talented. Uh
puncher can have talents the same as bartenders, harness drummers and
insurance agents.
Telescope sez that as far as morals goes we’re loaded--never havin’ used
up what Nature originally gave us. Muley sez--
“There’s two things they can’t never lay at our door: we never stole
another man’s wife nor threw rocks at his kids.”
But that about lets us out, I reckon. Muley’s too danged covetous of
other people’s property. If he didn’t combine pleasure with business
we’d be uh lot better off. He can’t seem to keep from poetin’. One
night he rustled fifteen head uh Five-Dot cows out of uh corral, and
leaves uh piece uh poetry stickin’ on the gate, the same uh which
reads:
I thanks yuh fer this chance to take,
Some Five-Dot cows, which I will sell,
And git myself uh poker stake.
And as fer you--go plumb to ----!
Muley, bein’ the Poet Lariet uh the county, fer the reason that he’s
the only one what can write uh rhyme, is immediately and soon
apprehended down at Paradise, and called to answer fer his sins. He
tells me and Telescope with tears in his eyes that we got to figger
out uh scheme to git him loose or he’ll git sent to the pen, thereby
breakin’ the set. Telescope chides him gently.
“Yuh ain’t got the sense that God give geese in Chiny!” sez Telescope.
“What did yuh have to write poetry fer, yuh cross between uh loco weed
and uh pail uh lard?”
Muley don’t hang his head with shame like he should have done under
the circumstances, cause his neck is too danged short. He jist winks
real hard and makes funny noises with his throat.
“Well,” sez I, “we can’t let uh guilty man suffer, Telescope. Let’s go
home. I’ll play somethin’ sad-like, and you sing Muley’s ol’ favorite,
‘Jist Break the News to Mother,’ and mebby we can figger out uh scheme.”
We did. That night we rides over to the Lazy-Y corral and appropriates
all uh ol’ man Wiscomb’s ridin’ hosses, and hazes ’em plumb over into
the Frog Pond basin. We shore has uh chore writin’ what we pins to the
corral gate. It reads like this:
Though sad but true we must relate
Poets is thick in this here State.
We writes this rhyme so honest men
Won’t have to languish in the pen.
Poetry not bein’ evidence no more, they has to turn Muley loose. Muley
promises that he’ll do better next time, but it sort uh peeves him to
find out that me and Telescope can write poetry, so he starts tryin’
to pick the banjo, and drives us off the ranch tryin’ to sing, “Love
Me and the World Is Mine.”
Uh course me and Telescope steals them broncs to prove uh alibi fer
Muley, but all we does with ’em is to haze ’em over to the basin and
let ’em drift. We tells Muley about the stunt, and after they turns
him loose he disappears fer uh few days. When he shows up ag’in he
hands us each uh hundred and fifty dollars.
“Took them broncs down to Silver Springs and sold ’em,” sez he, sort uh
offhand like. “Them Lazy-Y fellers has beefed and beefed about losin’
’em, and I jist couldn’t stand it to see ’em disappointed. Another day
and them fool broncs would have been home. They was trailin’ this way
when I finds ’em, and prompt action saves us reg’lar money.”
Uh course we chides Muley uh heap, while we saddles up to go down to
Paradise, but we chides him without malice in our hearts. One-fifty
covers uh multitude uh morals. Also, we can all three set into uh
poker game to oncet, which makes it bad fer any one else at the table.
We drifts across the hills with joy in our hearts. We jist can’t seem
to hate nobody. Even Telescope speaks kindly uh ol’ Bill Metzger, the
sheriff what chased him over the line that time. Uh coyote drifts out
of uh draw ahead of us, the same uh which usually calls fer at least
eighteen chunks uh hot lead, but this time he ain’t molested.
“Look at the ol’ loafer,” sez Telescope, standin’ up in his stirrups to
ease his new saddle. “Slant-eyed ol’ pelican! He’ll probably go home and
tell his ol’ woman that the Three Disgraces is paralyzed in the hands.”
We fogs along until we’re about five miles from Paradise, when we sees
uh hoss wanderin’ along the skyline of uh hill. Seems to be saddled so
we goes over and investigates.
“Side-saddle!” snorts Muley. “Who in ---- rides uh saddle like that on
this range?”
“I would if I had uh chance,” states uh voice, and then we sees her.
* * * * *
She’s standin’ there beside uh mesquite, and I reckon she’s the maddest
pretty fe-male I ever laid eyes upon. I ain’t goin’ to tell yuh what she
looked like. It’s too danged much like tryin’ to tell somebody about the
stamped design on uh new saddle. They knows what yore talkin’ about but
they don’t know what yuh mean.
“I begs your pardon, ma’am,” sez Muley. “Yuh see I didn’t look fer----”
“Don’t apologize,” sez she, with uh grin. “What you jist said ain’t
one, two, three with what I been thinkin’ fer the last hour. I got off
to pick uh flower and that pony broke loose. I’ve trailed him fer three
miles, but he wouldn’t stop. Are you goin’ to Paradise?”
“Ma’am,” orates Telescope, “I’m there now. Ma used to tell me about the
land what is fairer than this, but I doubted her.”
With his eyes rolled up like uh sick sheep, Muley recites:
Her eyes outshine the desert stars
Her mouth is sweet as cake,
And the freckles on her features
Shone like lilies on uh lake.
The fe-male starts to grin, but when she sees that we’re serious she
irons out her face.
“Ma’am,” sez I, “I’m sorry I ain’t got my banjo. I plays well.”
“That’s nice,” sez she. “I love good music. I am Miss Adamson, the new
teacher at Paradise, and I’m lost.”
“Miss Adamson,” states Telescope, “you can calm yore fears, cause you
shore ain’t lost no more. My name’s Tolliver--John Quincy Tolliver,
by gad--huh. The party on the pinto is Hen Peck, and that emaciated
lookin’ party on the Roman-nosed bay is Muley Bowles. We’re all from
the Cross-J; free, white and twenty-one and we’re glad to meet yuh.”
“Lemuel is my first name, ma’am,” sez Muley. “Lemuel Allender Bowles.”
“My folks was particular thataway, too,” sez I. “When I enters this
here vale uh tears I gits Henry Clay added to the name uh Peck, which
I natcherally inherits. My dad’s name was Henry, and bein’ as he had
uh ranch in Clay county, Missouri, I----”
“Unique,” sez the lady.
“No, ma’am--corn,” sez I.
Telescope tightens up her cinch and helps her on the bronc, and we all
fogs on toward Paradise. She don’t sabe much about ridin’ but who ever
cared how uh angel handled uh hoss. She’s livin’ up at ol’ man Irvin’s
place, so we rides plumb to the gate with her. She thanks us uh heap
and makes uh fuss about how much she owes us.
“Won’t yuh all come down to see me once in uh while?” she asks. “It
really does git lonesome evenin’s. Come down, all of you. I’d love to
hear Mister Tolliver sing, and Mister Peck accompany him on the banjo.
Come down any time, please.”
The way she sez “please” would make uh feller go out and kiss uh
sidewinder if she asked him to. We replies that nothin’ would please us
more, and then we wanders back to the bright lights uh Dug Chaffin’s
saloon.
“Like to hear Mister Tolliver sing, and hear Mister Peck accompany
him on the banjo, eh?” orates Muley, sarcastic like. “Them’s hy-iu
accomplishments but too boisterous. Now, if I had uh chance to pour
uh li’l poetry into her ear--mama, mine!”
“Poetry,” pronounces Telescope, “is all right so long as yuh don’t abuse
yore ability. It’s good stuff in its place, like hooch or uh cold deck,
but when uh feller uses it to notify the sheriff or uses it to designate
that uh lady has freckles on her nose--I’m ag’in it. Sabe?”
“Freckles is but uh beauty spot to call attention to the spot on which
they lingers,” states Muley. “Don’t think fer uh minute, Telescope,
that I aims to slander the lady. I shore admires her uh heap, and
nothin’ would please me more than to introduce her to you as Misses
Lemuel Allender Bowles. That’s uh fair soundin’ name, eh? Uh heap more
noticeable than Misses Peck or Telescope’s wife.”
“Henry Clay Peck ain’t no name to sneeze at,” I states. “It’s honest, by
grab! My ol’ dad----”
I’m jist goin’ to tell how the first grain measure was named after one
uh my ancestors, but Telescope interrupts.
“When yuh argues the value uh names, Muley, yuh shore got to let mine
set on the first pew. John Quincy Tolliver, by gad suh! The Kentucky
Tollivers is one uh the bluegrassedest famblys in America. Any woman
would be honored to bear that name.”
“Don’t let’s quarrel,” I advises. “Names is nothin’ but inheritance,
like hook-noses, cross-eyes and uh taste fer hooch. We never made
’em. Uh fortune-teller tol’ me once that some uh my ancestors was
bushwhackers in the time uh Henry th’ Awful, and that some was
beheaded and the rest lynched. She said I was born to romance.”
“Swashbucklers,” corrects Telescope. “Nowadays we designates ’em as
‘blow hards.’ Also, she was wrong about the period. Henry the Awful
was----”
“Let sleepin’ dogs gather no moss,” interrupts Muley, squeezin’ the last
drop of his sixth glass uh third-rail. “Pore ol’ Henry’s dead years ago,
and li’l Lemuel Allender Bowles don’t feel so awful good today, either.
Here’s to the fairest flower that in uh garden grew. Her face is like
uh--uh--uh--shay, Telescope, wha’s her face like, anyway. Huh?”
But Telescope is already pourin’ out his soul in song, and Muley weeps
on the pool-table ’cause he can’t seem to remember what her face looked
like.
Now I’m commencin’ to git back to where I starts from, with me and
Muley and Telescope draped over the top pole of the corral. It’s the
next mawnin’ after we meets the school-ma’am.
Not havin’ much appetite fer breakfast we adjourns early. We’re settin’
there mournin’ over our past lives and wishin’ we didn’t have such
pintoed characters, when Telescope opines----
“Uh gal with uh face like that must grade about twenty per ounce. I hope
she don’t throw her young life away on some ordinary cowpuncher, that’s
all I hope.” Telescope sighs deep-like, and me and Muley follers suit.
“Noble sentiments,” sez I. “It would be like feedin’ vanilly ice cream
to uh coyote.”
We sighs in chorus ag’in.
Muley sighs uh couple uh extra times and chews the stub of uh
lead-pencil, which he has been usin’ on uh piece uh wrappin’-paper.
“Read her out loud, Muley,” urges Telescope, but Muley sighs and shakes
his head:
“I jist can’t seem to find uh word that’s right. What in ---- rhymes
with pain? She reads like this:
“My love is livin’ in the town,
It fills my heart with pain,
To know that I ain’t with her now,”
“She’s uh dinger as far as she goes, Muley,” sez Telescope. “Can’t yuh
think uh nothin’ that rhymes with pain?”
“I got it,” sez I. “Yuh might say, ‘Tomorrow it may rain.’ How’s that,
eh?”
Muley puts his foot into my equator, and I sprawls into the corral,
right under the feet of uh outlaw bronc called Pirate. I jist about
gits kicked into the middle uh next week before I escapes.
“That’s the last time I ever helps uh poet in distress,” I states, as
soon as I gits back on the rail. “They’re uh thankless tribe. In love
or in jail it’s all the same. I’m goin’ over and tune up my ol’ banjo.
There’s uh lady what loves good music, and she’s plumb crazy to hear
me play.”
“She shore is if she wants to the second time,” states Muley.
I goes over to the bunk-house, and pretty soon Telescope and Muley comes
in and sets down. They rolls cigarets and Telescope clears his throat.
“Well,” sez I, “spit her out, Telescope.”
“Hen, we’ve done come to the conclusion that we can’t all come to see
her to oncet. What do yuh think about it?”
“Two ag’in one is uh majority. What’s the verdict?”
“It’s thisaway, Hen,” explains Telescope. “All things bein’ free and
equal, we’re goin’ to leave the decision to the lady. We’ll write the
names of the days uh the week on pieces uh paper, put ’em in uh hat
and draw. The feller gits to call on her the night he draws. Sabe?
That won’t give nobody the advantage.”
“And,” sez I, “the other two stays right here on the ranch. Don’t go
cuttin’ into the other feller’s night a-tall, eh? We shore got to play
this here love game on the square.”
They both agrees, and we draws from the hat. I gits Monday, Telescope
draws Friday, and Muley’s affections shows on Wednesday. Bein’ as to-day
is Monday, I shaves some careful-like and oils my saddle.
“Don’t git mushy and tell yore past life, Hen,” warns Telescope. “Uh
feller’s apt to fergit himself in uh case like this. Yore past won’t
interest her none to speak of, and me and Muley figgers too danged
prominent like. She might turn us all down fer uh sheriff or uh
United States marshal and tell all she knows. Sabe?”
“One thing I never does,” sez I, “and that is to commit social suicide.”
I reads that in uh female’s magazine, what comes to the Cross-J by
mistake oncet.
* * * * *
I gits on my calico bronc, hangs the banjo on the saddle horn and
proceeds to show the Cross-J that Hen Peck can ride ’em straight up. I
knows that there’s uh stick under that pinto’s tail, but I don’t wish
to spoil Muley’s idea of uh good joke. When I gits that pinto lined out
toward Paradise I finds that three strings is busted on that banjo, the
same uh which fills me with sad thoughts.
“This shore is one ---- of uh situation,” sez I. “Not another banjo
string this side uh Helena, and uh li’l gal simply pinin’ away fer to
hear me play.”
The nearer I gits to town the worse I’m feelin’. I feels so bad that
I enters Dug Chaffin’s rum palace and renews my vitality, and also
gits vivacious. That’s another word I reads in that magazine. I meets
“Doughgod” Smith and he also gits vivacious.
Doughgod’s got lots uh money and the disposition of uh bulldog.
“I’d admire to hear yuh play uh tune, Hen,” sez he, noticin’ that I’m
packin’ uh banjo. “After listenin’ to Tony, the Hunk, play the squeeze
organ over at the Cross-in-uh-Box, I’m game to listen to anythin’.”
“She’s uh good ol’ rig but she’s done busted down, Doughgod,” sez I.
“Yuh can’t expect to fan uh machine like that over uh bronc’s head
fer any length uh time and expect it to run smooth right away. If yuh
hunger fer music I’ll sing fer yuh.”
“Hen,” sez he, pattin’ me on the back, “don’t put yourself out to try
and entertain me. The way I feels right now I don’t miss singin’ uh
bit. Much obliged jist the same.”
Doughgod horns into uh poker game, and I absorbs uh few more scoops.
When I’m organized sufficient-like I opines to go over and serenade
the school-ma’am.
I has uh hard time gettin’ my bearin’s, but pretty soon I gits to goin’
good. Sudden-like I remembers that I’m shy on strings.
“Now,” sez I, “you cross between uh distillery and uh bale uh loco weed,
where do yuh think yore goin’, eh? Goin’ to serenade uh lady fair, eh?
Goin’ down there with uh souse on. Hen Peck, you ain’t fit to carry hawg
meat to uh bear. No-good, common ol’ puncher, with loads uh sin on yore
conscience.
“You ain’t fit to see her or listen to her voice. Yore jist uh drunk ol’
cow rustler, and if yuh got what was comin’ to yuh you’d be over in Deer
Lodge, wearin’ uh number like uh box-car. Yore hyas cultus.”
That kind uh talk from me makes me feel uh heap bad, but I has to agree
that it’s Gospel truth even if it does yank on my heart-strings.
“Nothin’ like knowin’ yoreself,” I informs uh fence post. “Hen Peck is
uh wise ol’ coot--yessir. I ain’t no good, but by cripes, I got two of
the best friends on earth. Telescope and Muley. Good enough fer any gal
on earth. All I got is two friends and uh lovin’ disposition. No use in
three tryin’ to win--nossir. Two’s company--three’s uh crowd. I’m goin’
back to Dug’s place, where there’s life and cheer. Love is but uh
fleetin’ flower, and mine has fleeted.”
I cries uh heap, and my heart lies in my bosom like half-done flapjacks
on yore stummick, and the scaldin’ tears obstructs my vision to the
extent that when somebody throws uh clump uh mesquite bushes at me I
can’t dodge.
The moon is wanin’ when I manages to git out from under the brush, so
I forks my pinto and comes home. I ain’t what you’d designate as uh
gay lookin’ Lothario to look at, but I feels that I’m to be commended
uh heap. I don’t aim to tell the boys what I done cause they’d say I
got col’ feet on the job. Also, they’d use up all the nights between
’em, and Hen Peck would have to play to the bunk-house walls.
Telescope and Muley is settin’ on the fence when I rides in, and they
looks me over some careful. I turns my bronc into the corral, and
starts fer the cook-house.
“Is her paw in Paradise, Hen?” asks Telescope.
“No,” sez I. “Why do yuh ask that?”
“What happened to yuh, Hen? Did the lady smear yuh with uh rollin’-pin
or has the Crees gone on the war path? Yore uh sight, Hennery.”
“Jist general wear and tear,” sez I. “I’m hungry.”
Muley grins all over his fat face, and recites:
He went to see his lady fair.
He loved her passin’ well.
He played some banjo music,
And came home all shot to ----.
“Ain’t that uh humdinger, Hen?” laughs Telescope. “Muley’s shore wastin’
his talents in uh place like this. Did yuh tell her that me and Muley’d
be down this week?”
“I did not,” sez I. “Why take the joy out of her life thataway? I
believes in lettin’ somebody else be the bearer uh sad news. I’m not
advertisin’ you fellers, believe me. Why should I mention you, eh?”
“That’s fair enough,” admits Muley, and when we’re together he gits
confidential like.
“Hen, what in ---- does uh feller talk about to uh fe-male? I loses my
nerve when it comes to that. Tell me somethin’ to say, won’t yuh, Hen?”
“Aw, anythin’. Recite her that poem yuh wrote about Snow-shoe Mary. Jist
keep yore face out uh personalities, Muley.”
“What’s personalities, Hen?”
“Aw, corsets and stockin’s and----”
“----!” he snorts. “What do yuh think I am, Hen? Uh dressmaker? Also
I don’t intend to recite Snow-shoe Mary. Why, dog-gone yore hide,
that poem wasn’t wrote fer female ears. Yore kind advice leads me to
believe that you wishes me to not only be put out of the runnin’ but
yuh also desires that I fills uh early grave. Did she enjoy yore
playin’? Yore banjo looks to me like yuh sort uh overdid yoreself,
Hennery. Now, if you was uh poet----”
“I’d admire to git lynched,” sez I, and then I goes up to the
cook-house, and gits cussed by the cook, fer comin’ in so late.
The next mornin’ Muley can’t seem to git his mind on his work a-tall. He
can’t think about nothin’ but his chance to see the lady. He aims to put
his rope on the li’l sorrel he’s been ridin’, but he don’t notice when
he misses and the loop snags ol’ Pirate.
So long as he don’t notice his mistake, me and Telescope is too
gentlemanly to call his attention to it. He jist shortens his rope,
turns his back on that outlaw and starts leadin’ it over where his
saddle is layin’.
I reckon that hoss never had been ignored thataway before, and it cuts
him deep. He sticks back his ears on his rattlesnake head and grabs
Muley between the shoulders. Comes uh squeal and uh cloud uh dust and
Muley’s layin’ over in the corner with nothin’ left of his shirt except
the collar, and the bronc breaks straight fer the Wyoming line.
* * * * *
We moseys over and gazes at Muley’s recumbent form. He’s got uh
beautiful expression on his face, and all he needs is uh bow and
arrer and uh couple uh wings to pose fer uh statoo uh Cupid in the
Corral. He’s starin’ at the sky, and all to oncet his lips opens and
he recites:
Her eyes is like the evenin’ star,
She’s graceful like uh deer.
Her mouth is like uh rosebud.
I wish--I wish--I--huh----
“I wish I had uh glass uh beer,” finishes Telescope. “Now, Hen, you
can see what love does to uh feller. That Muley person is so danged
deep in love that he don’t notice that he’s leadin’ Pirate. No sir,
he don’t know nothin’ a-tall. When uh poet gits in love he’s liable
to kiss uh mewl. Harmless and happy but lots uh bother.”
Muley rolls over and sets up. He claws some corral dust out of his eyes,
and looks around.
“What in ---- is goin’ on around here?” he asks, foolish like. “I can’t
seem to remember nothin’ except beautiful winged critters, with floatin’
garments, and music playin’ and----”
“Never mind the human insects, Muley,” sez I. “Go and git uh shirt on.
Uh sylph-like figger is uh thing uh beauty and uh joy forever, but yore
packin’ too much lard on yore carcass to qualify. Git inside uh piece uh
flannel before some pork packer comes along and mavericks yuh.”
“Aw, you ain’t got nothin’ to say, Hen,” he opines, fumblin’ with the
collar of that departed shirt. “You ain’t no beautiful statoo in the
nood. I ain’t goin’ to put on no danged shirt until----”
“Good mornin’, gentlemen.”
We turns some sudden, and there is the school-ma’am lookin’ over the top
uh the corral from the back of her hoss.
“Howdy,” sez I, and Telescope almost prostrates hisself in the dust,
when his foot slips in uh soft spot. “Won’t yuh come in?”
“Come in and make yourself to home,” invites Telescope, but she grins
and shakes her head.
“No, thank you,” sez she. “I’m not familiar enough with the interior of
corrals to feel at home in one. Didn’t I hear Mister Bowles’s voice as I
rode up?”
I looks around quick and there is Muley, humped up in the corner of the
fence, with uh saddle blanket over his head, and about twelve inches uh
bare skin shinin’ in the sun.
“No, ma’am,” sez I. “Muley’s been gone some time. He heard that his
wife has run away with uh half-breed Piegan, and he’s gone down to the
reservation to investigate.”
“Isn’t that some one over in the corner?” she asks, cranin’ her neck
over the rail.
“Yes’m,” sez Telescope. “That’s uh sick Injun takin’ uh saddle-blanket
treatment fer ticks. We handles most of the local cases up here. This
one is particularly stubborn. He’s been under that blanket fer nearly
an hour, and only one tick has left him.”
“How strange,” she exclaims. “I’ve heard of all kinds of diseases and
treatments, but this is decidedly novel. I studied nursing for some
time, and I natcherally am interested. May I come in and watch the
proceedin’s?”
“Deelighted!” sez Telescope. “Git off yore hoss and come inside.”
“No, I’ll jist set on top of the fence with you, and we can watch it
much better.”
I hears Muley groan as we climbs the fence, and I sort uh feels fer him.
It’s about ninety-nine in the shade right now, and that blanket shore is
odoriferous. We perches on the rail like three buzzards watchin’ fer uh
sick calf to quit this vale uh tears, and makes remarks about the
sufferin’ bunch uh humanity under the blanket.
“How long will it be before he is cured?” she asks.
“Well,” opines Telescope, “he’s been under there fer an hour now, and
only one tick has drifted away. As uh usual thing they has six ticks,
so, unless the other five decides to stampede in uh flock, we’re due
to sit here fer several hours yet.”
“I don’t mind,” sez she, sweet-like. “I haven’t uh thing else to do.
Isn’t his skin awful light for an Indian? I’ll bet he’ll be badly
sunburned where the sun is strikin’ that large bare spot, and if I
was in yore place I’d----”
“Snap! Smash!”
That’s all that ever saved Muley. That top rail wa’n’t any too
strong anyway, and with three of us in the center it couldn’t stand
the pressure when Telescope begins to bounce up and down with glee.
I lights inside the corral in the dust, and I sees uh whirl uh
skirts and boots, where Telescope and the school-ma’am tangles up on
the other side.
I glances the other way and I sees somethin’ that Nature claims to be
impossible. Muley weighs about two hundred and forty, and the fence is
eight feet high, but by the horns on the moon, he never scratched it
goin’ over. He jist sailed like uh bird, and the saddle-blanket which
had draped his shoulders was still in the air over the spot where he
had sat when he hit the ground on the other side. There was jist uh
rippin’ sound in the atmosphere, two grunts, uh slam, and Muley’s
inside the bunk-house with the door locked.
That fe-male shore is game. She wipes the dust out of her eyes, and
laughs hearty-like, and me and Telescope joins her with great cheer.
She climbs the fence ag’in and gazes at the spot where Muley had
been.
“Well!” sez she, sort uh surprised-like. “Our patient has gone!”
“Yes’m,” I agree. “They don’t stay long after the ticks leave ’em, and
ticks can’t stand excitement. When that rail broke I saw them five ticks
lope off across the corral, and I reckon by this time they’re half-way
to the reservation lookin’ fer another healthy buck to inhabit.”
“I’m sorry it happened,” she states, as she crawls on to her bronc
ag’in. “I would like to have seen that Indian. Was he an Albino?”
“No, ma’am,” sez Telescope. “He was uh Piegan. The Albinos all live in
Arizona.”
* * * * *
After she’s gone, me and Telescope sets there fer quite uh spell and
don’t have much to say. Pretty soon Telescope sighs deep and rolls uh
cigaret. I sighs some, too, and borrows the makin’s.
“Where do we sleep tonight, Hen?” he asks. “Bein’ as our guns is both in
the bunk-house we’re helpless-like.”
“Sleep in the barn, I reckon. I ain’t goin’ into that bunk-house until
Muley leaves, that’s uh cinch. I’ll bet that hombre would admire to
waller in our gore.
“Wife run away with uh Piegan! Haw! Haw! Haw! I’ll bet that Muley won’t
git that saddle-blanket smell out of his hair fer uh week. He may still
make rhymes, Hennery, but he shore won’t smell like uh reg’lar poet.
Here comes Doughgod Smith. Wonder what the ol’ pelican wants up here.”
Doughgod rides up, and we exchanges salutations.
“Where’s Muley?” asks Doughgod.
“Over in th’ bunk-house,” sez Telescope.
“Reckon I’ll go over and see him,” he opines, slidin’ off his bronc.
“I got somethin’ fer him, and I rides all the way up here to give it
to him.”
“Go right on over, Doughgod,” sez Telescope, pleasant-like. “I feels
that Muley is in uh receptive mood right now.”
Doughgod grins, and ambles right over to the bunk-house door. He don’t
rap. He opens the door, gits half-way in and then comes right out on
his neck. The door slams behind him, and he sets there on the ground
and paws away at his face like uh cub-bear at uh bee-tree. Pretty soon
he gits up, walks into the corner of the cabin and falls down ag’in.
We hears him cussin’ some fluently as he gits up, and this time he
heads our way. He has his hands over his eyes but he hits the corral
gate dead center, butts right into the snubbin’ post, and falls down
ag’in.
“That’s good so far as she goes, Doughgod,” applauds Telescope. “But it
ain’t nothin’ out of the ordinary. Now, if yuh had blindfolded yoreself,
hit the gate dead center and then jumped the post, that would have been
some stunt.”
“My Gawd!” wails Doughgod. “What fer kind of uh way is this to treat uh
guest? Bust uh hoss-liniment bottle on his head! My Gawd!”
He sets up and wipes the tears out of his eyes with both hands.
“What did yuh say to him?” asks Telescope. “Muley don’t do things like
that as uh general thing.”
“I didn’t say nothin’ to make him act thataway,” wails Doughgod. “He was
lookin’ at his watch, and I said, ‘Don’t she tick!’ That’s all I said to
him, honest.”
“If uh man done that to me I’d shore smoke him up,” orates Telescope.
“I ain’t got no gun, though,” complains Doughgod. “Never have uh gun
when I needs one. Loan me yores, will yuh, Telescope, and I’ll
immediately and soon find out why I’m assaulted.”
“You can have mine,” sez I. “I never throws uh friend down when he’s in
need. Yore welcome to it, Doughgod. She’s hangin’ over my bunk, beside
Telescope’s.”
Doughgod gits the tears dried up long enough to git on his bronc. He
shore looked funny, puffin’ away at his pipe, with the tears runnin’
down his cheeks, and the purple place over his right eye, where the
bottle had lingered.
“Gentlemen,” sez he, solemn-like, “there is times when the American
language ain’t noways sufficient nor competent to elucidate the extent
of uh feller’s feelin’s. Jist to attempt to say what I think of the
Cross-J and its hired help would be like offerin’ salt to uh thirsty
man. I thought I knowed uh lot uh flossy cuss words, but they pales
into insignificance when I consults my immortal soul. Adios.”
He swings his bronc around, and the last we sees uh him he’s still
reachin’ up reg’lar like to wipe away the tears.
We don’t invade the bunk-house, so we don’t see Muley until supper-time.
He looks us over some close but don’t say uh word. In fact there is uh
great lack uh conversation at the table, the same uh which is noticed by
ol’ man Miller, our boss. We’re used to uh bright flow uh personalities
durin’ our mastication time, and this here stillness gits on th’ ol’
man’s nerves.
“Well,” sez he, shovin’ his chair back, and reachin’ fer his hat, “I
don’t know jist what’s the matter with you Jaspers, but as uh general
treatment I’d suggest sheep dip.”
Th’ ol’ man leaves the shack, and Muley sets there and stares at the
floor. He’s uh heap like Doughgod was--too mad to express it in words.
“I resents that implication!” orates Telescope. “No danged man--not even
the boss--can imply that I’ve got ticks. How about you, Hen?”
“Not uh tick!” sez I, emphatic like.
Muley rolls uh cigaret, sort uh absent-minded like, takes out uh match,
lights his smoke and throws it away. He puts the match in his mouth, and
because it won’t puff he tries to scratch his tobacco sack on his pants.
“Never try to scratch tobacco, Muley,” sez Telescope. “Allus use uh
cigaret paper to light yore match with.”
Muley spits the match out and beats it fer the bunk-house. Me and
Telescope joins him in uh few minutes.
“My gosh!” sniffs Telescope. “Who spilled the liniment?”
Muley looks us over fer uh minute and then busts out laughin’.
“Which one uh you Jaspers did I hit?” he asks.
“You did not,” sez I. “You hit Doughgod Smith.”
“I--I hit who?” gasps Muley.
“Doughgod Smith,” I repeats. “Hit him right square in the face, and he
wept tears all the way to Paradise.”
“Well!” sez Muley, “after thinkin’ it over. He’s uh honest man.”
“Meanin’ which?” I asks.
“He came up to pay me the forty dollars I loaned him in uh poker game
the other night.”
“No use weepin’ over spilled liniment,” sez I. “Mebby he’ll pay yuh the
next time he sees yuh, Muley.”
“Not if I see him first. I shore don’t want to look like uh porous
plaster when I goes to see the lady. I don’t reckon she knowed it was
me under that blanket; do yuh?”
“No,” sez Telescope. “You jist keep yore shirt on, Muley, and she won’t
never know it was you.”
I don’t reckon he ever heard me tell her that Muley’s wife had run away
with uh Piegan. Anyway, he saddles up and fogs off toward Paradise.
The next mornin’ Muley comes back to us with uh sad look in his eye. He
don’t eat much breakfast, and jist moons around.
“Didn’t yuh enjoy the evenin’?” I asks.
“Uh-huh,” sez Muley, queer-like. “Shore I did. Jist because I don’t
throw my hat in the air and yell yuh don’t think I had uh good time.
Uh natcheral poet ain’t boisterous-like, Hen. His abilities sort uh
calm him down. Sabe?”
Uh li’l later on I finds Muley alone on the shady side of the cabin.
He’s settin’ there on uh box, gazin’ off into space.
“Hen,” sez he, “I ain’t so danged awful bad, but I’m too bad at that.”
“What yuh figgerin’ on doin’, Muley--gittin’ bit by uh snake?”
He don’t answer fer uh while. I reckon my reply went right over his
head, cause he jist sighs and opines thusly:
“Hen, uh feller like me ain’t noways fit fer uh gal like that. I’ve
examined all my past life and I finds that it don’t assay uh trace uh
good. She’s too danged good fer me.”
“Well,” sez I, consolin’-like, “you don’t need to worry about it. You
ain’t got her, have yuh?”
He shakes his head and digs holes in the dirt with his heels.
“No, Hen, and I don’t expect to. She’s out uh my class. Now, take you
and Telescope for instance. He’s from uh good ol’ fambly, and he’s got
uh lot of ability. Outside of his face and feet he ain’t uh hard person
to look at. And, Hen, that hombre shore can entertain uh person with his
voice. Why, when he sings ‘Jist Break the News to Mother,’ I can feel
myself layin’ out there on uh battle-field all shot to ----. That’s art,
Hennery.
“Now, take yoreself, Hen. You must be from uh good fambly, too. Yore
ol’ mother must uh been uh mighty gentle woman to take the trouble to
raise uh boy like you. You can play the banjo some plentiful, and uh
woman likes uh musical man.
“I leave it to you, Hen, if it ain’t the right thing fer me to do. I’m
goin’ to step aside and let you and Telescope fight it out, and may the
best man win. I’m sort of uh black sheep, and while I loves her like uh
bear loves honey, I know I ain’t fit to play the rôle. I got uh quart
uh hooch inside the bunk-house, Hen. Let’s go in and drink uh toast to
you and Telescope.”
We did just that li’l thing. We has enough toasts to make uh square
meal, and pretty soon Muley gits tearful ag’in.
“Don’t tell ol’ Telescope what I aims to do, Hen,” he pleads. “To have
some one applaud my actions makes it hard to bear. We’ll jist let on
that I’m still in the race.”
“Muley,” sez I, “I’m uh heap proud to know uh man like you what knows
all about himself and tells it without reservation. Outside of poetin’
you shore don’t amount to much. No gal would be happy with you. I agrees
that it’s the reasonable thing fer you to do.”
“Hen,” sez he, “don’t git too danged personal in yore remarks. How do
you know that no gal would be happy with me? Outside uh poetin’--why,
you gol dinged, hoss-faced maverick, what did you ever do beside
bein’ seventeen kinds of uh fool simultaneously, and playin’ uh banjo
uh li’l?”
“Nothin’, Muley,” I agrees. “Not uh danged thing. You and me is two
misfits. We’ve both busted all the Commandments from the middle both
ways. Neither of us is fit to cinch her saddle. Telescope is the only
virtuous man in the set. There’s uh hy-iu man, Muley. Dog-gone, there
shore is one he-man. Good fambly, wise as uh barn-owl, and he shore
does save his money.”
“That last is too true,” wails Muley. “He shore can save. He borrowed
uh ten spot from me six months ago, and he thinks so much of it that
he won’t give it back.”
“I got uh good idea,” sez I, depletin’ that bottle about the full of
uh mewl’s ear. “Me and you’ll job ol’ Telescope. We has hereby agreed
that we ain’t fit, so we’ll smooth the trail for Telescope. We’ll take
our reg’lar turns goin’ down to see her, but we won’t see her. Sabe?
Natcherally, without no opposition he wins out. Our ol’ pal is happy,
and the fe-male gits uh prize. We’ll go down and play poker all night
instead of courtin’ her, and everybody’ll be happy.”
“That’s uh good hunch, Henry, but it takes money to play poker. That
bunch down there has simply got my goat. If Telescope’d pay me that
ten, and I could git Doughgod to leave that forty where I could pick
it up, I’d have uh stake.”
“Aw, make Telescope uh present uh that ten,” I advises. “Yuh got to
figger that courtin’ costs money, Muley. You know danged well that if
he paid yuh back that money he’d have to borrow it ag’in. Why don’t
yuh go right down and ask Doughgod fer that money?”
“Not me, Hen! Not li’l Lemuel Allender Bowles. He was buyin’ some .45
ca’tridges the other day, and he informed Nick Parsons that he was jist
honin’ to meet me. Said he wanted to hand me somethin’.”
On Friday night Telescope dolls up like uh plush hoss. He wears one
uh my blue silk shirts and Muley’s new hat. The next day he’s uh heap
vivacious. He gits me off to one side and informs me that he’s had uh
hy-iu time.
“It’s shore goin’ to be uh hard row fer me to hoe,” he states. “Miss
Adamson shore does cotton to you and Muley uh heap. Muley’s poetry made
uh hit with her, and she sez that banjo music hits her right where she
lives, when it’s played by uh master hand. I’m afraid that you fellers
have got the jump on li’l Telescope Tolliver, by gad suh!”
“Be uh good cheer,” I advises. “Faint heart never won on two small
pair.”
“Takes money,” he complains. “Uh feller what is short on money like I am
ain’t got no chance with uh fe-male’s heart. If I had twenty I’d feel uh
heap safer.”