How Apuleius was cheapned by divers persons, and how they looked in his
mouth to know his age.
After this we came to a faire Citie very populous, where our shepheards
determined to continue, by reason that it seemed a place where they
might live unknowne, far from such as should pursue them, and because
it was a countrey very plentifull of corne and other victuals, where
when we had remained the space of three dayes, and that I poore Asse
and the other horses were fed and kept in the stable to the intent we
might seeme more saleable, we were brought out at length to the market,
and by and by a crier sounded with his horne to notifie that we were to
be sold: all my companion horses were bought up by Gentlemen, but as
for me I stood still forsaken of all men. And when many buiers came by
and looked in my mouth to know mine age, I was so weary with opening my
jawes that at length (unable to endure any longer) when one came with a
stinking paire of hands and grated my gummes with his filthy fingers, I
bit them cleane off, which thing caused the standers by to forsake me
as being a fierce and cruell beast: the crier when he had gotten a
hoarse voice with crying, and saw that no man would buy me, began to
mocke me saying, To what end stand we here with this wilde Asse, this
feeble beast, this slow jade with worne hooves, good for nothing but to
make sives of his skin? Why do we not give him to some body for he
earneth not his hay? In this manner he made all the standers by to
laugh exceedingly, but my evill fortune which was ever so cruell
against me, whom I by travell of so many countreys could in no wise
escape, did more and more envie me, with invention of new meanes to
afflict my poore body in giving me a new Master as spitefull as the
rest. There was an old man somewhat bald, with long and gray haire, one
of the number of those that go from door to door, throughout all the
villages, bearing the Image of the goddesse Syria, and playing with
Cimbals to get the almes of good and charitable folks, this old man
came hastely towards the cryer, and demanded where I was bred: Marry
(quoth he) in Cappadocia: Then he enquired what age I was of, the cryer
answered as a Mathematician, which disposed to me my Planets, that I
was five yeares old, and willed the old man to looke in my mouth: For I
would not willingly (quoth he) incur the penalty of the law Cornelia,
in selling a free Citizen for a servile slave, buy a Gods name this
faire beast to ride home on, and about in the countrey: But this
curious buier did never stint to question of my qualities, and at
length he demanded whether I were gentle or no: Gentle (quoth the
crier) as gentle as a Lambe, tractable to all use, he will never bite,
he will never kicke, but you would rather thinke that under the shape
of an Asse there were some well advised man, which verely you may
easily conject, for if you would thrust your nose in his taile you
shall perceive how patient he is: Thus the cryer mocked the old man,
but he perceiving his taunts and jests, waxed very angry saying, Away
doting cryer, I pray the omnipotent and omniparent goddesse Syria,
Saint Sabod, Bellona, with her mother Idea, and Venus, with Adonis, to
strike out both thine eies, that with taunting mocks hast scoffed me in
this sort: Dost thou thinke that I will put a goddesse upon the backe
of any fierce beast, whereby her divine Image should be throwne downe
on the ground, and so I poore miser should be compelled (tearing my
haire) to looke for some Physition to helpe her? When I heard him
speake thus, I thought with my selfe sodainly to leap upon him like a
mad Asse, to the intent he should not buy me, but incontinently there
came another Marchant that prevented my thought, and offered 17 Pence
for me, then my Master was glad and received the money, and delivered
me to my new Master who was called Phelibus, and he caried his new
servant home, and before he came to his house, he called out his
daughters saying, Behold my daughters, what a gentle servant I have
bought for you: then they were marvailous glad, and comming out
pratling and shouting for joy, thought verely that he had brought home
a fit and conveniable servant for their purpose, but when they
perceived that it was an Asse, they began to provoke him, saying that
he had not bought a servant for his Maidens, but rather an Asse for
himselfe. Howbeit (quoth they) keepe him not wholly for your owne
riding, but let us likewise have him at commandement. Therewithall they
led me into the stable, and tied me to the manger: there was a certaine
yong man with a mighty body, wel skilled in playing on instruments
before the gods to get money, who (as soone as he had espied me)
entertained me verie well, for he filled my racke and maunger full of
meat, and spake merrily saying, O master Asse, you are very welcome,
now you shall take my office in hand, you are come to supply my roome,
and to ease me of my miserable labour: but I pray God thou maist long
live and please my Master well, to the end thou maist continually
deliver me from so great paine. When I heard these words I did
prognosticate my miserie to come.
The day following I saw there a great number of persons apparelled in
divers colours, having painted faces, mitres on their heads, vestiments
coloured like saffron, Surplesses of silke, and on their feet yellow
shooes, who attired the goddesse in a robe of Purple, and put her upon
my backe. Then they went forth with their armes naked to their
shoulders, bearing with them great swords and mightie axes, and dancing
like mad persons. After that we had passed many small villages, we
fortuned to come to one Britunis house, where at our first entrie they
began to hurle themselves hither and thither, as though they were mad.
They made a thousand gestures with their feete and their hands, they
would bite themselves, finally, every one tooke his weapon and wounded
his armes in divers places.
Amongst whom there was one more mad then the rest, that let many deepe
sighes from the bottome of his heart, as though he had beene ravished
in spirite, or replenished with divine power. And after that, he
somewhat returning to himselfe, invented and forged a great lye,
saying, that he had displeased the divine majesty of the goddesse, by
doing of some thing which was not convenable to the order of their holy
religion, wherefore he would doe vengeance of himselfe: and
therewithall he tooke a whip, and scourged his owne body, that the
bloud issued out aboundantly, which thing caused me greatly to feare,
to see such wounds and effusion of bloud, least the same goddesse
desiring so much the bloud of men, should likewise desire the bloud of
an Asse. After they were wearie with hurling and beating themselves,
they sate downe, and behold, the inhabitants came in, and offered gold,
silver, vessels of wine, milke, cheese, flower, wheate and other
things: amongst whom there was one, that brought barly to the Asse that
carried the goddesse, but the greedie whoresons thrust all into their
sacke, which they brought for the purpose and put it upon my backe, to
the end I might serve for two purposes, that is to say, for the barne
by reason of my corne, and for the Temple by reason of the goddesse. In
this sort, they went from place to place, robbing all the Countrey
over. At length they came to a certaine Castle where under colour of
divination, they brought to passe that they obtained a fat sheepe of a
poore husbandman for the goddesse supper and to make sacrifice withall.
After that the banket was prepared, they washed their bodies, and
brought in a tall young man of the village, to sup with them, who had
scarce tasted a few pottage, when hee began to discover their beastly
customes and inordinate desire of luxury. For they compassed him round
about, sitting at the table, and abused the young man, contrary to all
nature and reason. When I beheld this horrible fact, I could not but
attempt to utter my mind and say, O masters, but I could pronounce no
more but the first letter O, which I roared out so valiantly, that the
young men of the towne seeking for a straie Asse, that they had lost
the same night, and hearing my voice, whereby they judged that I had
beene theirs, entred into the house unwares, and found these persons
committing their vile abhomination, which when they saw, they declared
to all the inhabitants by, their unnatural villany, mocking and
laughing at this the pure and cleane chastity of their religion. In the
meane season, Phelibus and his company, (by reason of the bruit which
was dispersed throughout all the region there of their beastly
wickednesse) put all their trumpery upon my backe, and departed away
about midnight. When we had passed a great part of our journey, before
the rising of the Sun, we came into a wild desart, where they conspired
together to slay me. For after they had taken the goddesse from my
backe and set her gingerly upon the ground, they likewise tooke off my
harnesse, and bound me surely to an Oake, beating me with their whip,
in such sort that all my body was mortified. Amongst whom there was one
that threatened to cut off my legs with his hatchet, because by my
noyse I diffamed his chastity, but the other regarding more their owne
profit than my utility, thought best to spare my life, because I might
carry home the goddesse. So they laded me againe, driving me before
them with their naked swords, till they came to a noble City: where the
principall Patrone bearing high reverence unto the goddesse, Came in
great devotion before us with Tympany, Cymbals, and other instruments,
and received her, and all our company with much sacrifice and
veneration. But there I remember, I thought my selfe in most danger,
for there was one that brought to the Master of the house, a side of a
fat Bucke for a present, which being hanged behind the kitchin doore,
not far from the ground, was cleane eaten up by a gray hound, that came
in. The Cooke when he saw the Venison devoured, lamented and wept
pitifully. And because supper time approached nigh, when as he should
be reproved of too much negligence, he tooke a halter to hang himselfe:
but his wife perceiving whereabout he went, ran incontinently to him,
and taking the halter in both her hands, stopped him of his purpose,
saying, O husband, are you out of your writs? pray husband follow my
counsel, cary this strange Asse out into some secret place and kill
him, which done, cut off one of his sides, and sawce it well like the
side of the Bucke, and set it before your Master. Then the Cooke
hearing the counsell of his wife, was well pleased to slay me to save
himselfe: and so he went to the whetstone, to sharpe his tooles
accordingly.