the Cove safe an' sound. There I saw many ships with big broad boords
fastened to ropes, every one ov them saying "The first vessel for
Quebec." Siz I to myself, those are about to run for a wager; this one
siz she'll be first, and that one siz she'll be first. I pitched on one
that was finely painted. When I wint on boord to ax the fare, who shou'd
come up out ov a hole but Ned Flinn, an ould townsman ov my own.
"Och, is it yoorself that's there, Ned?" siz I; "are ye goin' to
Amerrykey?"
"Why, an' to be shure," sez he; "I'm _mate_ ov the ship."
"Meat! that's yer sort, Ned," siz I; "then we'll only want bread. Hadn't
I betther go and pay my way?"
"You're time enough," siz Ned; "I'll tell you when we're ready for
sea--leave the rest to me, Darby."
"Och, tip us your fist," siz I; "you were always the broath of a boy;
for the sake ov ould times, Ned, we must have a dhrop ov drink, and a
bite to ate."
Many's the squeeze Ned gave my fist, telling me to leave it all to him,
and how comfortable he'd make me on the voyage. Day afther day we spint
together, waitin' for the wind, till I found my pockets begin to grow
very light. At last, siz he to me, one day afther dinner:--
"Darby, the ship will be ready for sea on the morrow--you'd betther go
on boord an' pay your way."
"Is it jokin' you are, Ned?" siz I; "shure you tould me to leave it all
to you."
"Ah! Darby," siz he, "you're for takin' a rise out o' me. But I'll stick
to my promise; only, Darby, you must pay your way."
"O, Ned," says I, "is this the way you're goin' to threat me after all?
I'm a rooin'd man; all I cou'd scrape together I spint on you. If you
don't do something for me, I'm lost. Is there no place where you cou'd
hide me from the captin?"
"Not a place," siz Ned.
"An' where, Ned, is the place I saw you comin' up out ov?"
"O, Darby, that was the hould where the cargo's stow'd."
"An' is there no other place?" siz I.
"Oh, yes," siz he, "where we keep the wather casks."
"An' Ned," siz I, "does anyone live down there?"
"Not a mother's soul," siz he.
"An' Ned," siz I, "can't you cram me down there, and give me a lock ov
straw an' a bit?"
"Why, Darby," siz he (an' he look'd mighty pittyfull), "I must thry. But
mind, Darby, you'll have to hide all day in an empty barrel, and when it
comes to my watch, I'll bring you down some prog; but if you're
diskiver'd, it's all over with me, an' you'll be put on a dissilute
island to starve."
"O Ned," siz I, "leave it all to me."
When night cum on I got down into the dark cellar, among the barrels;
and poor Ned every night brought me down hard black cakes an' salt meat.
There I lay snug for a whole month. At last, one night, siz he to me:--
"Now, Darby, what's to be done? we're within three days' sail ov Quebec;
the ship will be overhauled, and all the passengers' names call'd over."
"An' is that all that frets you, my jewel," siz I; "just get me an empty
meal-bag, a bottle, an' a bare ham bone, and that's all I'll ax."
So Ned got them for me, anyhow.
"Well, Ned," siz I, "you know I'm a great shwimmer; your watch will be
early in the morning; I'll just slip down into the sea; do you cry out
'There's a man in the wather,' as loud as you can, and leave all the
rest to me."
Well, to be sure, down into the sea I dropt without as much as a splash.
Ned roared out with the hoarseness of a brayin' ass--
"A man in the sea, a man in the sea!"
Every man, woman, and child came running up out of the holes, and the
captain among the rest, who put a long red barrel, like a gun, to his
eye--I thought he was for shootin' me! Down I dived. When I got my head
over the wather agen, what shou'd I see but a boat rowin' to me. When it
came up close, I roared out--
"Did ye hear me at last?"
The boat now run 'pon the top ov me; I was gript by the scruff ov the
neck, and dragg'd into it.
"What hard look I had to follow yees, at all at all--which ov ye is the
masther?" says I.
"There he is," siz they, pointin' to a little yellow man in a corner of
the boat.
"You yallow-lookin' monkey, but it's a'most time for you to think ov
lettin' me into your ship--I'm here plowin' and plungin' this month
afther you; shure I didn't care a thrawneen was it not that you have my
best Sunday clothes in your ship, and my name in your books."
"An' pray, what is your name, my lad?" siz the captain.
"What's my name! What i'd you give to know?" siz I, "ye unmannerly
spalpeen, it might be what's your name, Darby Doyle, out ov your
mouth--ay, Darby Doyle, that was never afraid or ashamed to own it at
home or abroad!"
"An', Mr. Darby Doyle," siz he, "do you mean to persuade us that you
swam from Cork to this afther us?"
"This is more ov your ignorance," siz I--"ay, an' if you sted three days
longer and not take me up, I'd be in Quebec before ye, only my
purvisions were out, and the few rags of bank notes I had all melted
into paste in my pocket, for I hadn't time to get them changed. But
stay, wait till I get my foot on shore; there's ne'er a cottoner in Cork
iv you don't pay for leavin' me to the marcy ov the waves."
At last we came close to the ship. Everyone on board saw me at Cove but
didn't see me on the voyage; to be sure, everyone's mouth was wide open,
crying out, "Darby Doyle!"
"It's now you call me loud enough," siz I, "ye wouldn't shout that way
when ye saw me rowlin' like a tub in a mill-race the other day fornenst
your faces." When they heard me say that, some of them grew pale as a
sheet. Nothin' was tawked ov for the other three days but Darby Doyle's
great shwim from Cove to Quebec.
At last we got to Ammerykey. I was now in a quare way; the captain
wouldn't let me go till a friend of his would see me. By this time, my
jewel, not only his friends came, but swarms upon swarms, starin' at
poor Darby. At last I called Ned.
"Ned, avic," siz I, "what's the meanin' ov the boords acrass the stick
the people walk on, and the big white boord up there?"
"Why, come over and read," siz Ned. I saw in great big black letters:--
THE GREATEST WONDHER IN THE WORLD!!!
TO BE SEEN HERE,
A Man that beats out Nicholas the Diver!
He has swum from Cork to Amerrykey!!
Proved on oath by ten of the crew and twenty passengers.
Admittance Half a Dollar.
"Ned," siz I, "does this mean your humble sarvint?"
"Not another," siz he.
So I makes no more ado, than with a hop, skip, and jump, gets over to
the captain, who was now talkin' to a yallow fellow that was afther
starin' me out ov countenance.
"Ye are doin' it well," said I. "How much money have ye gother for my
shwimmin'?"
"Be quiet, Darby," siz the captain, and he looked very much frickened.
"I have plenty, an' I'll have more for ye iv ye do what I want ye to
do."
"An' what is it, avic?" siz I.
"Why, Darby," siz he, "I'm afther houldin a wager last night with this
gintleman for all the worth ov my ship, that you'll shwim against any
shwimmer in the world; an', Darby, if ye don't do that, I'm a gone man."
"Augh, give us your fist," siz I; "did ye ever hear ov Paddies dishaving
any man in the European world yet--barrin' themselves?"
"Well, Darby," siz he, "I'll give you a hundred dollars; but, Darby, you
must be to your word, and you shall have another hundred."
So sayin', he brought me down to the cellar.
"Now, Darby," siz he, "here's the dollars for ye."
But it was only a bit of paper he was handin' me.
"Arrah, none ov yer tricks upon thravellers," siz I; "I had betther nor
that, and many more ov them, melted in the sea; give me what won't wash
out of my pocket."
"Well, Darby," siz he, "you must have the real thing."
So he reckoned me out a hundred dollars in goold. I never saw the like
since the stockin' fell out ov the chimly on my aunt and cut her forred.
"Now, Darby," siz he, "ye are a rich man, and ye are worthy of it all."
At last the day came that I was to stand the tug. I saw the captain
lookin' very often at me. At last--
"Darby," siz he, "are you any way cow'd? The fellow you have to shwim
agenst can shwim down watherfalls an' catharacts."
"Can he, avic?" siz I; "but can he shwim up agenst them?"
An' who shou'd come up while I was tawkin' to the captain but the chap I
was to shwim with, and heard all I sed. He was so tall that he could eat
bread an' butther over my head--with a face as yallow as a kite's foot.
"Tip us the mitten," siz I, "mabouchal," siz I; "Where are we going to
shwim to? What id ye think if we swum to Keep Cleer or the Keep ov Good
Hope?"
"I reckon neither," siz he.
Off we set through the crowds ov ladies an' gintlemen to the shwimmin'
place. And as I was goin' I was thript up by a big loomp ov iron struck
fast in the ground with a big ring to it.
"What d'ye call that?" siz I to the captain, who was at my elbow.
"Why, Darby," siz he, "that's half an anchor."
"Have ye any use for it?" siz I.
"Not in the least," siz he; "it's only to fasten boats to."
"Maybee you'd give it to a body," siz I.
"An' welkim, Darby," siz he; "it's yours."
"God bless your honour, sir," siz I, "it's my poor father that will pray
for you. When I left home the creather hadn't as much as an anvil but
what was sthreeled away by the agint--bad end to them. This will be jist
the thing that'll match him; he can tie the horse to the ring while he
forges on the other part. Now, will ye obleege me by gettin' a couple ov
chaps to lay it on my shoulder when I get into the wather, and I won't
have to be comin' back for it afther I shake hands with this fellow."
Oh, the chap turned from yallow to white when he heard me say this. An'
siz he to the gintleman that was walkin' by _his_ side--
"I reckon I'm not fit for the shwimmin' to-day--I don't feel _myself_."
"An', murdher an' Irish, if you're yer brother, can't you send him for
yerself, an' I'll wait here till he comes. An' when will ye be able for
the shwim, avic?" siz I, mighty complisant.
"I reckon in another week," siz he.
So we shook hands and parted. The poor fellow went home, took the fever,
then began to rave. "Shwim up catharacts!--shwim to the Keep ov Good
Hope!--shwim to St. Helena!--shwim to Keep Clear!--shwim with an anchor
on his back!--oh! oh! oh!"
I now thought it best to be on the move; so I gother up my winners; and
here I sit undher my own hickory threes, as independent as anny Yankee.
Bob Burke's Duel.
_From "Tales from Blackwood."_
BY DR. MAGINN.
HOW BOB BURKE, AFTER CONSULTATION WITH WOODEN-LEG WADDY, FOUGHT THE
DUEL WITH ENSIGN BRADY FOR THE SAKE OF MISS THEODOSIA MACNAMARA,
SUPPOSED HEIRESS TO HER OLD BACHELOR UNCLE, MICK MACNAMARA OF
KAWLEASH.
"At night I had fallen asleep fierce in the determination of
exterminating Brady; but with the morrow, cool reflection came--made
probably cooler by the aspersion I had suffered. How could I fight him,
when he had never given me the slightest affront? To be sure, picking a
quarrel is not hard, thank God, in any part of Ireland; but unless I was
quick about it, he might get so deep into the good graces of Dosy, who
was as flammable as tinder, that even my shooting him might not be of
any practical advantage to myself. Then, besides, he might shoot me;
and, in fact, I was not by any means so determined in the affair at
seven o'clock in the morning as I was at twelve o'clock at night. I got
home, however, dressed, shaved, etc., and turned out. 'I think,' said I
to myself, 'the best thing I can do, is to go and consult Wooden-Leg
Waddy; and, as he is an early man, I shall catch him now.' The thought
was no sooner formed than executed; and in less than five minutes I was
walking with Wooden-Leg Waddy in his garden, at the back of his house,
by the banks of the Blackwater.
"Waddy had been in the Hundred-and-First, and had seen much service in
that distinguished corps.
"Waddy had served a good deal, and lost his leg somehow, for which he
had a pension besides his half-pay, and he lived in ease and affluence
among the Bucks of Mallow. He was a great hand at settling and arranging
duels, being what we generally call in Ireland a judgmatical sort of
man--a word which, I think, might be introduced with advantage into the
English vocabulary. When I called on him, he was smoking his meerschaum,
as he walked up and down his garden in an old undressed coat, and a fur
cap on his head. I bade him good morning; to which salutation he
answered by a nod, and a more prolonged whiff.
"'I want to speak to you, Wooden-Leg,' said I, 'on a matter which nearly
concerns me,' to which I received another nod, and another whiff in
reply.
"'The fact is,' said I, 'that there is an Ensign Brady of the 48th
Quartered here, with whom I have some reason to be angry, and I am
thinking of calling him out. I have come to ask your advice whether I
should do so or not. He has deeply injured me, by interfering between me
and the girl of my affection. What ought I to do in such a case?'
"'Fight him, by all means,' said Wooden-Leg Waddy.
"'But the difficulty is this--he has offered me no affront, direct or
indirect--we have no quarrel whatever--and he has not paid any addresses
to the lady. He and I have scarcely been in contact at all. I do not see
how I can manage it immediately with any propriety. What then can I do
now?'
"'Do not fight him, by any means,' said Wooden-Leg Waddy.
"'Still, these are the facts of the case. He, whether intentionally or
not, is coming between me and my mistress, which is doing me an injury
perfectly equal to the grossest insult. How should I act?'
"'Fight him by all means,' said Wooden-Leg Waddy.
"'But then, I fear if I were to call him out on a groundless quarrel, or
one which would appear to be such, that I should lose the good graces of
the lady, and be laughed at by my friends, or set down as a dangerous
and quarrelsome companion.'
"'Do not fight him, by any means,' said Wooden-Leg Waddy.
"'Yet, as he is a military man, he must know enough of the etiquette of
these affairs to feel perfectly confident that he has affronted me; and
the opinion of the military man, standing, as of course, he does, in the
rank and position of a gentleman, could not, I think, be overlooked
without disgrace.'
"'Fight him, by all means,' said Wooden-Leg Waddy.
"'But then, talking of gentlemen, I own he is an officer of the 48th,
but his father is a fish-tackle seller in John Street, Kilkenny, who
keeps a three-halfpenny shop, where you may buy everything from a cheese
to a cheese-toaster, from a felt hat to a pair of brogues, from a pound
of brown soap to a yard of huckaback towels. He got his commission by
his father's retiring from the Ormonde Interest, and acting as
whipper-in to the sham freeholders from Castlecomer; and I am, as you
know, of the best blood of the Burkes--straight from the De Burgos
themselves--and when I think of that I really do not like to meet this
Mr. Brady.'
"'Do not fight him, by all means,' said Wooden-Leg Waddy.
"'Why,' said I, 'Wooden-Leg, my friend, this is like playing battledore
and shuttlecock; what is knocked forward with one hand is knocked back
with the other. Come, tell me what I ought to do.'
"'Well,' said Wooden-Leg, taking the meerschaum out of his mouth, 'in
dubiis auspice, etc. Let us decide by tossing a halfpenny. If it comes
down 'head,' you fight--if 'harp' you do not. Nothing can be fairer.'
"I assented.
"'Which,' said he, 'is it to be--two out of three, as at Newmarket, or
the first toss to decide?'
"'Sudden death,' said I, 'and there will soon be an end of it.'
"Up went the halfpenny, and we looked with anxious eyes for its descent,
when, unluckily, it stuck in a gooseberry bush.
"'I don't like that,' said Wooden-Leg Waddy, 'for it's a token of bad
luck. But here goes again.'
"Again the copper soared to the sky, and down it came--Head.
"'I wish you joy, my friend' said Waddy; 'you are to fight. That was my
opinion all along; though I did not like to commit myself. I can lend
you a pair of the most beautiful duelling-pistols ever put into a man's
hand--Wogden's, I swear. The last time they were out, they shot Joe
Brown, of Mount Badger, as dead as Harry the Eight.'
"'Will you be my second?' said I.
"'Why, no,' replied Wooden-leg, 'I cannot; for I am bound over by a
rascally magistrate to keep the peace, because I nearly broke the head
of a blackguard bailiff, who came here to serve a writ on a friend of
mine, with one of my spare legs. But I can get you a second at once. My
nephew, Major Mug, has just come to me on a few days' visit, and, as he
is quite idle it will give him some amusement to be your second. Look up
at his bedroom--you see he is shaving himself.'
"In a short time the Major made his appearance, dressed with a most
military accuracy of costume. There was not a speck of dust on his
well-brushed blue surtout--not a vestige of hair, except the regulation
whiskers, on his closely-shaven countenance. His hat was brushed to the
most glossy perfection--his boots shone in the jetty glow of Day and
Martin. There was scarcely an ounce of flesh on his hard and
weather-beaten face, and as he stood rigidly upright, you would have
sworn that every sinew and muscle of his body was as stiff as whipcord.
He saluted us in military style, and was soon put in possession of the
case. Wooden-Leg Waddy insinuated that there were hardly, as yet,
grounds for a duel.
"'I differ,' said Major Mug, 'decidedly--the grounds are ample. I never
saw a clearer case in my life, and I have been principal or second in
seven-and-twenty. If I collect your story rightly, Mr. Burke, he gave
you an abrupt answer in the field, which was highly derogatory to the
lady in question, and impertinently rude to yourself?'
"'He certainly,' said I, 'gave me what we call a short answer; but I did
not notice it at the time, and he has since made friends with the young
lady.'
"'It matters nothing,' observed Major Mug, 'what you may think, or she
may think. The business is now in my hands, and I must see you through
it. The first thing to be done is to write him a letter. Send out for
paper--let it be gilt-edged, Waddy,--that we may do the thing genteelly.
I'll dictate, Mr. Burke, if you please.'
"And so he did. As well as I can recollect, the note was as follows:--
"'Spa-Walk, Mallow, June 3, 18--
"'Eight o'clock in the morning.
"'Sir,--A desire for harmony and peace, which has at all times
actuated my conduct, prevented me, yesterday, from asking you the
meaning of the short and contemptuous message which you commissioned
me to deliver to a certain young lady of our acquaintance whose name I
do not choose to drag into a correspondence. But, now that there is no
danger of its disturbing anyone, I must say that in your desiring me
to tell that young lady she might consider herself as d----d, when she
asked you to tea after inadvertently riding over you in the hunting
field, you were guilty of conduct highly unbecoming of an officer and
a gentleman, and subversive of the discipline of the hunt. I have the
honour to be, sir,
"'Your most obedient humble servant,
"'ROBERT BURKE.
"'P.S.--This note will be delivered to you by my friend, Major Mug, of
the 3rd West Indian; and you will, I trust, see the propriety of
referring him to another gentleman without further delay.'
"'That, I think, is neat,' said the Major. 'Now, seal it with wax, Mr.
Burke, with wax--and let the seal be your arms. That's right. Now direct
it.'
"'Ensign Brady?'
"'No--no--the right thing would be, 'Mr. Brady, Ensign, 48th Foot,' but
custom allows 'Esquire,' that will do.--'Thady Brady, Esquire, Ensign,
48th Foot, Barracks, Mallow.' He shall have it in less than a quarter of
an hour.'
"The Major was as good as his word, and in about half-an-hour he brought
back the result of his mission. The Ensign, he told us, was extremely
reluctant to fight, and wanted to be off on the ground that he meant no
offence, did not even remember having used the expression, and offered
to ask the lady if she conceived for a moment he had any idea of saying
anything but what was complimentary to her.
"'In fact,' said the Major, 'he at first plumply refused to fight; but I
soon brought him to reason. 'Sir,' said I, 'you either consent to fight
or refuse to fight. In the first case, the thing is settled to hand, and
we are not called upon to inquire if there was an affront or not--in the
second case, your refusal to comply with a gentleman's request is, of
itself, an offence for which he has a right to call you out. Put it,
then, on the grounds, you must fight him, it is perfectly indifferent to
me what the grounds may be; and I have only to request the name of your
friend, as I too much respect the coat you wear to think that there can
be any other alternative.' This brought the chap to his senses, and he
referred me to Captain Codd, of his own regiment, at which I felt much
pleased, because Codd is an intimate friend of my own, he and I having
fought a duel three years ago in Falmouth, in which I lost the top of
this little finger, and he his left whisker. It was a near touch, he is
as honourable a man as ever paced a ground; and I am sure that he will
no more let his man off the field until business is done than I would
myself.'
"I own," continued Burke, "I did not half relish this announcement of
the firm purpose to our seconds; but I was in for it, and could not get
back. I sometimes thought Dosy a dear purchase at such an expense; but
it was no use to grumble. Major Mug was sorry to say that there was a
review to take place immediately at which the Ensign must attend, and it
was impossible for him to meet me until the evening; 'but,' he added,
'at this time of the year it can be of no great consequence. There will
be plenty of light till nine, but I have fixed seven. In the meantime
you may as well divert yourself with a little pistol practice, but do it
on the sly, as, if they were shabby enough to have a trial it would not
tell well before the jury.'
"Promising to take a quiet chop with me at five, the Major retired,
leaving me not quite contented with the state of affairs. I sat down and
wrote a letter to my cousin, Phil Burdon, of Kanturk, telling him what I
was about and giving directions what was to be done in the case of any
fatal event. I communicated to him the whole story--deplored my unhappy
fate in being thus cut off in the flower of my youth--left him three
pairs of buckskin breeches--and repented my sins. This letter I
immediately packed off by a special messenger, and then began a
half-a-dozen others, of various styles of tenderness and sentimentality,
to be delivered after my melancholy decease. The day went off fast
enough, I assure you; and at five the Major, and Wooden-Leg Waddy,
arrived in high spirits.
"'Here, my boy,' said Waddy, handing me the pistols, 'here are the
flutes; and pretty music, I can tell you, they make.'
"'As for dinner,' said Major Mug, 'I do not much care; but, Mr. Burke,
I hope it is ready, as I am rather hungry. We must dine lightly,
however, and drink not much. If we come off with flying colours, we may
crack a bottle together by-and-by; in case you shoot Brady, I have
everything arranged for our keeping out of the way until the thing blows
over--if he shoots you, I'll see you buried. Of course, you would not
recommend anything so ungenteel as a prosecution? No. I'll take care it
shall appear in the papers, and announced that Robert Burke, Esq., met
his death with becoming fortitude, assuring the unhappy survivor that he
heartily forgave him, and wished him health and happiness.'
"'I must tell you,' said Wooden-Leg Waddy, 'it's all over Mallow and the
whole town will be on the ground to see it. Miss Dosy knows of it, and
she is quite delighted--she says she will certainly marry the survivor.
I spoke to the magistrate to keep out of the way, and he promised that,
though it deprived him of a great pleasure he would go and dine five
miles off--and know nothing about it. But here comes dinner, let us be
jolly.'
"I cannot say that I played on that day as brilliant a part with the
knife and fork as I usually do, and did not sympathise much in the
speculations of my guests, who pushed the bottle about with great
energy, recommending me, however, to refrain. At last the Major looked
at his watch, which he had kept lying on the table before him from the
beginning of dinner--started up--clapped me on the shoulder, and
declaring it only wanted six minutes and thirty-five seconds of the
time, hurried me off to the scene of action--a field close by the
castle.