Thus Bo Peep lost her sheep, leaving these fleecy tail-bearers to come
home solitary to the accustomed fold. She did but humble herself before
the manifestation of a Wessex necessity.
And Fate, sitting aloft in the careless expanse of ether, rolled her
destined chariots thundering along the pre-ordained highways of heaven,
crushing a soul here and a life there with the tragic completeness of a
steam-roller, granite-smashing, steam-fed, irresistible. And butter was
churned with a twang in it, and rustics danced, and sheep that had fed
in clover were "blasted," like poor Bonduca's budding prospects. And,
from the calm nonchalance of a Wessex hamlet, another novel was launched
into a world of reviews, where the multitude of readers is not as to
their external displacements, but as to their subjective experiences.
[THE END.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "HINC ILLAE LACRYIMAE"
_Master Tommy_ (_returning from the funeral_). "Why did Uncle Jonas cry
so for, Aunt? He cried more than anybody!"
_Aunt_ (_grimly_). "Of course! Most of the property is left to him, my
dear!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "What's that there blank space left for, Jim?"
"Why, that's for the folks as can't read!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP
_First Gossip._ "So you was nivver axed tu t'funeral?"
_Second Gossip._ "Nivver as much as inside t'house. But nobbut; wait
till _we_ hev' a funeral of us own, an' _we_'ll show 'em!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
_Parson._ "Why, John, what are you doing there?"
_John._ "I be too wet to work, zur."
_Parson._. "Well, if it's too wet to work, why don't you go home?"
_John._ "Wull, my old 'ooman, she do jaw so!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
_Young Lady._ "Can you tell me the nearest way to get to Pulham from
here?"
_Sweep._ "Well, miss, I'm going there meself. So, if yer jump in, I'll
drive yer!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
_First Village Dame._ "Did I bring you back that basket you lent me last
week?"
_Second Dame_ (_emphatically_). "No, indeed, you did not."
_First Dame._ "That's a pity, for I just came round to borrow it
again!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
"Here in cool grot and mossy cell
We rural fays and fairies dwell!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: HARD ON THE DOCTOR--_Old Lady._ "My 'usband 'e never did
'old with doctors, and 'e wouldn't let me send for yer till 'e was real
bad. What's wrong with him, doctor?" _Doctor._ "Mainly senility, Mrs.
Wilkins." _Old Lady._ "Lor' now! An' I dessay 'e wouldn't 'ave 'ad it if
'e'd 'ad yer soon enough!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of
in your philosophy."--_Hamlet._
(_Heard outside a Country Circus._)
_Old Jarge._ "Wen ye sees wot comes from furrin parts, bless yer 'eart,
ye just feels like a bit o' dirt!"]
* * * * *
"THE LAST STRAW."--For further particulars apply to the gleaners.
* * * * *
THE WEATHER AND THE CROPS.--_Note._ Always have your hair cut very short
in the hottest weather.
* * * * *
GARDENING AMUSEMENT FOR COLWELL-HATCHNEY.--Spinning turnip tops.
* * * * *
ADVICE TO THE FARMER.--Keep your weather eye open.
* * * * *
[Illustration:
"Did ye see the Lord Mayor when you was up to Lunnon?"
"Aye, lad, I did."
"De' 'e gang aboot wi' a chain?"
"No; 'e gangs loose!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
_Miss Hobbs_ (_who dislikes tobacco_). "I see you are at your idol
again!"
_Smoker._ "Yes; I'm burning it!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A DRY CALLING
"Th' ole squire stop an' spoke to me this marnin'; an' Oi ast 'im 'ow
Master Philip was gettin' on in Lunnon. 'Oh,' says 'e, ''e 's bin called
to the Bar.' Oi dunno wot 'e meant, so Oi didn' say nothin'; but Oi says
to meself, 'Ah,' Oi says, 'from what _Oi_ remember of 'im, 'e didn' want
no _callin'_!'"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
ACCOMMODATING.--_Old Lady._ "Now then, what do you want?" _The Tramp._
"I ain't pertickler, lady. What 'av' yer got?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
_The Vicar's Daughter._ "Papa was very shocked, Giles, to see you
standing outside the 'Green Man' this morning, after church."
_The Village Reprobate._ "Oi can 'sure ye, miss, it wus na fault o'
moine that I wus standin' ootside!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "I'm surprised to find that you keep a dog, Tomkins! Why,
you can barely keep your wife! What on earth do you feed him on?"
"Well, I gives 'im cat's-meat. And when I can't afford that, why, 'e 'as
to 'ave wot _we_ 'ave."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mrs. A._ "I've just been to see a poor soul who was
almost dying of destitution." _Miss B._ "Did you take her anything?"
_Mrs. A._ "Yes--a pound of mutton." _Miss B._ "That wasn't much, was
it?" _Mrs. A._ (_indignantly_). "Quite enough to make her some _beef
tea_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Tell your fortune, pretty gentleman?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Fond of music! Why, when I'm in town, I go to a
music-hall every night!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A SURE SIGN OF IMPROVEMENT.--_Village Doctor._ "Well
Scroggins, I hope your wife is much better to-day, eh? How is her pulse,
eh? And how's her temperature?"
_Scroggins_ (_considering_). "Well, doctor, I don't know much about her
pulses, but as for her temper"--(_feelingly_)--"she's got a plenty of
_that_ to-day!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE PITY O' IT!"
"Well, Simpson, how do you like the hot weather?"
"Can't stand it, sir! It's hawful! Ain't got no stomach for my victuals,
sir!"]
* * * * *
AT A CATTLE MARKET
AN AUTUMN REMINISCENCE
SCENE--_A large open space near a cathedral town. Fat old farmers in
white hats, and smart young farmers in Newmarket coats and neat riding
boots; elderly shepherds in blue, grey, and white smocks. From time to
time there is a stampede of bewildered bullocks, whose hind legs are
continually getting hitched over each other's horns. Connoisseurs lean
over pen-rails and examine pigs reverently, as if they were Old Masters.
Others prod them perfunctorily. The pigs bear these inconveniences
meekly, as part of the penalty of greatness. Sheep look over one
another's shoulders and chew nervously on one side of their mouths._
BY THE PIG-PENS
_First Enthusiast._ Did y' iver see sech a sow as that theer? _I_ niver
did, and (_aggressively_) naw moor _yo'_ didn't neither, 'Enery, _did_
ye now?
_'Enery_ (_unimpressed_). I doan't see naw 'dvantage in heving pigs so
big as that theer.
_First Enth._ Big! She's like a elephant. _Theer's_ a lop ear
now--weighs thutty-four stoan if she weighs a hounce, she do!
[_The sow grunts complacently._
_'Enery._ Ah. I 'ad one loike 'er, I 'ad. Eat three bucketsful a day,
she did, and (_with a sense of unforgettable injury_) mis'able little
pegs she 'ad with it all!
_Second Enth._ I go in fur Berkshire myself, but Sussex are very good;
they scale so much better 'n they look; _full_ o' flesh they are--weigh
a good stun moor nor ye'd take 'em fur, and then they cut _up_ so well!
(_With a dreamy tenderness._) Yes, I'm fond o' they Sussexes, I
am--_very_ fond of 'em!
* * * * *
_A Dealer_ (_trying to dispose of a litter of small black pigs_). Seven
good ole stiddy little pigs! I don't care '_oo_ buys 'em (_as if he
usually required the strictest testimonials to character_). I _must_
sell 'em. Pig-buyin' to-day, sir? You'd _better_ 'ave that little lot,
sir.
[_Persuasively, to a passer-by, who however appears to think he had
much better not._
BY THE SHEEP-PENS
_Intending Purchaser_ (_to Seller_). What d'ye carl them yoes now?
Southdowns?
[_He fixes his eyes on the cathedral spire, and awaits the next move._
_Seller_ (_after watching a rook out of sight, stirs up the sheep
meditatively, and decides on candour_). Well--bout aaff an' aaff.
_Int. Purch._ Old yoes--well, ye know, 'taint like _young_ yoes, _be_ it
now?
_Seller_ (_when he has finished shredding tobacco in the palm of his
hand_). That's true enough.
_Int. Purch._ I dunno as I can do wi' any moor shep just now, if 'twas
iver so.
_Seller_ (_listlessly_). Cann't ye, now? Theer's bin a genl'man from
Leicestershire 'ere, wawntin' me to run 'im off a dozen or so--fur his
perrk, d'ye see?
_Int. Purch._ (_with unaffected incredulity_). Ah.
[_A protracted silence, employed by each in careful inspection of his
boots._
_Seller_ (_addressing space_). They're a tidy lot o' yoes.
_Int. Purch._ (_as if this was a new view of them, which would require
consideration_). Come off o' your own farm?
_Seller._ Druv 'em in myself this very marnin'.
_Int. Purch._ Ah. (_A pause apparently spent in mental calculation._)
What might ye be askin' for 'un now?
_Seller._ For them yoes?
_Int. Purch._ Ah.
_Seller_ (_falls into a brown study, from which he at length emerges to
tap the nearest ewe on the forehead and expectorate_). I wawnt
five-an'-twenty shellin' a yead for them yoes.
_Int. Purch._ Five-an'-twenty?
_Seller._ Ah, that's what _I_ wawnt.
[_A longer silence than ever._
_Int. Purch._ I s'pose ye aint seen ole Jim 'Arrows 'bout 'ere this
marnin', hev ye?
[_After some further preliminaries of this kind the moment at length
arrives at which a bargain can be struck without any suggestion of
unbecoming haste on either side._
* * * * *
[Illustration: ANYTHING TO OBLIGE.--_Old Lady._ "I wish you would make
him go faster. I shall be late for the market." _Carrier._ "Well, you
see, mum, he always falls on his head if he trots down-hill. He _can't_
trot up-hill, for he's broken-winded, and if you hurry him on the level
he mostly has a fit of blind staggers. But we'll try if you like, mum.
Come up, hoss!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BYE-ELECTION HUMOURS
_Free and Independent Voter._ "Wull, if they can't zend zummat better
than thic ther cart to fetch I to the poll, I ain't a-goin' to vote. Zo
there's an end of it; and you can go back an' tell 'um zo!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE NEW SQUIRE
_Farmer._ "Well, Giles, what do you think of him?"
_Giles._ "I reckon he's allers in at meal-times, sir!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Curate._ "Oh--er--by the way, Mr. Bloggs, I was
wondering whether you would give me a small subscription for a most
excellent object: I mean the repairing of the cemetery wall."
_Wealthy Parvenu._ "Not me, sir. The cemetery wall don't _need_ any
repairing. Them as is inside can't get out, an' them as is outside don't
want to get in. Good mornin'!"]
* * * * *
_First Rustic_ (_just out of the County Hospital_). An' they putt me
under that theer chlorryfum--an' I simmed to go right oop into
'Evin--yes, I wur oop in 'Evin fur a toime, sure 'nough.
_Second Rustic_ (_with interest_). An' did ye 'ear a pianner?
* * * * *
_Elderly Farmer_ (_who is being applied to for the character of
his late shepherd_). No, I never 'ad no fault to find wi' the
fellow--(_conscientiously_) not as I knows on. He unnerstan's shep--I
will say _that_ fur 'en--he's a rare 'un at doctorin' of 'em, too. An' a
stiddy chap an' that, keps a civil tongue in 'is yead, and don't go away
on the booze. No, _I_ aint got nawthen' to say 'gainst th' man.
_The Inquirer._ Would ye hev any objection to sayin' why ye're partin'
wi' en?
_Eld. F._ Well, I dunno as theer was any partickler _reason_ for 't.
(_He endeavours to think of one in a puzzle-headed way._) I s'pose I
must ha' thowt I'd make a bit of a shift like--and theer ye hev it.
* * * * *
_First Stock-breeder_ (_to Second_). Well, an' how's Muster Spuddock
to-day?
_Muster Spuddock._ Oh, 'mong th' middlins--'mong th' middlins. Pretty
well fur an old 'un.
_First Stockbr._ An' how's trade with _you_, eh?
_Muster Sp._ (_beaming_). Oh, nawthen' doin'--nawthen' doin' 't all!
_First Stockbr._ (_with equal cheerfulness_). Same _'ere_, sir--same
'ere. On'y thing that's got money has been th' dead meat.
_Muster Sp._ (_without appearing to envy the dead meat on this
account_). Ah, that's it. Ye cann't reckon on moor nor thrippence,--an'
your own expenses, i' coorse.
_First Stockbr._ An' _thet_'s borderin' nigh on fowerpence; an' when it
comes to two pound a bullock----!
[_They shake their heads with an unsuccessful attempt to look lugubrious
at these cryptic considerations._
_Muster Sp._ Well, well; sheep food's goin' to be plentiful, too, right
up to Christmas.
_First Stockbr._ That's the way to look on it.
[_They go off to dine at the ordinary, with a sense that matters might
be worse._
* * * * *
[Illustration: Jones, who can't sleep well in London during the hot
weather, goes to have a quiet night in a village!
[_Portrait of_ one _of the village Cochins, &c._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: EDUCATION.--_Squire._ "Hobson, they tell me you've taken
your boy away from the National School. What's that for?" _Villager._
"'Cause the master ain't fit to teach un!" _Squire._ "O, I've heard he's
a very good master." _Villager._ "Well, all I knows is, he wanted to
teach my boy to spell 'taters' with a 'p'!!!]"
* * * * *
[Illustration: COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.--_Farmer's Wife_ (_to little
rustic, her protege_). "Well, Sam, your master and I are going up to
London for the cattle show."
_Cow Boy._ "Oh, I'm sure I hope yeou'll take the fust prize, 'm--that I
dew!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "IN THE LONG RUN."--_Town Gent._ "Now do you find keeping
poultry answers?" _Country Gent_ (_lately retired_). "O, 'es, s'posed to
answer. Y' see there's the original cost of the fowls--'f course the
food goes down to me, y' know. Well, then, I purchase the eggs from the
children, and they eat them!!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "ONLY TWO FEET AT THE WINDOW"
(_Old song adapted_)
_Milkman_ (_aghast, anxiously_). "Hullo! Wot's that?"
_Old Woman._ "Hish! Our lodger, just come. Open-air cure!"]
* * * * *
AGRICULTURAL.--The poorest farmer in the land, if unable to feed his
calves, can always graze his shins.
* * * * *
AT THE CATTLE SHOW.--_Young Farmer._ "Are you fond of beasts, Miss
Gusherton?"
_Miss Gusherton._ "Oh, really, Mr. Pawker, if you mean that as a
declaration, you must speak to mamma!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Rector._ "Why, doctor, where are you off to? I thought
the meet was down at the cross roads."
_Doctor._ "Well, the fact is, I've got a patient up here that I must
see, and the hounds are certain to come this way."
_Rector._ "I see. Killing two birds with one stone, eh?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Short-sighted Old Gentleman._ "Excuse me, but I think
you've dropped one of your parcels!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "OPPOSITION."--_First Town Councillor (who had recently
been to Venice)._ "Now that we've a people's park, and a lake in it, I
should suggest that half a dozen gondolas might be purchased, as they'd
give quite a----" _Second Ditto (untravelled)._ "Oh, I don't see the
good of havin' any more o' them foreign birds! We've plenty of ducks an'
geese already! 't any rate a pair would be enough to breed from. As to
'alf a dozen, I consider it'd be a waste o' public money, an' I'll
oppose it tooth and----" [_They don't part friends._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _The Squire._ "I don't seem to know your face, my man. Do
you live about here?"
_Old Rustic._ "Yes, sir. But, yer see, I ain't often at the
public-'ouse!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _First Doubtful Character._ "This yer's all 'umbug about
a thief not bein' able to look a honest man in the heye."
_Second Doubtful Character._ "Well, if 'e can't, 'e can _punch_ 'im in
the heye!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: LITTLE AND GOOD
_Gentleman._ "Who do these pigs belong to, boy?"
_'Chaw.'_ "Why, this 'ere owd zow."
_Gentleman._ "Yes, yes; but I mean who's their master?"
_'Chaw.'_ "Why, that there little 'un; he's a varmun to foight!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: TRUE POLITENESS
(_Another incident at a Tenants' Ball_)
_Daughter of the house (dishevelled and torn after one turn round the
room with clumsy partner)._ "Do you mind very much, Mr. Quickstep, if we
sit out the rest of it?"
_Mr. Quickstep._ "Jest as you like, miss. I'm only a-dancin' for your
pleasure!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Miss Marjorie._ "And how is your son James getting on,
Mr. Giles?"
_Giles_ (_whose son has gone to London "in service"_). "Well, to tell ye
the truth, Miss Marji, Oi'm very troubled about 'im. Oi 'ad a letter
last week, an' 'e says that 'e's livin' in a buildin' with 'undreds of
people in it, an' it's three or fowr 'ouses one on top o' t'other. 'E
says there's a railway carriage without an ingin' that goes up the
middle o' th' buildin', an' the lights is all in bottles, an' you turns
'em on with a tap without usin' a loocifer, an'----"
_Miss Marjorie._ "But why are you troubled about James?"
_Giles._ "Aye, Oi fear 'e must 'a took to drink, miss!"]
* * * * *
SYMPATHY.--_Giles_ (_ruefully_). "Villiam, I've been an' gone an'
'listed!"
_William._ "Lor'! 'ave yer, though? Got the shillin'?"
_Giles._ "Yes."
_William._ "Well, then, let's go an' 'ave a glass at the 'Barley-Mow.'
Don't let's be down'earted!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: QUITE A DIFFERENT THING.--_Vicar's Wife._ "Well, Mrs.
Bloggs, I'm glad to hear your husband has given up drinking. I hope he's
all the better for it?" _Mrs. Bloggs._ "Oh, yes, 'm, that he be. Why,
ever since 'e took the pledge, he's been more like a friend than a
husband!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SCENE.--_A Country Drawing-Room._
_Visitor_ (_to old lady and daughters, one of whose hobbies is the
keeping of a small herd of Jerseys_). "By the way, I didn't see you at
our local agricultural show."
_Daughter._ "Oh, no! We never go unless we exhibit ourselves."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A SLIGHT MISTAKE.--_Farmer._ "Where 'ave ye been all this
time? And where's the old mare--didn't ye have her shod as I told ye?"
_Jarge._ "Shod! Law, no, marster. I bin a buryin' she! Didn't I think
thee said '_shot_'!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE SIMPLE LIFE"
_Mr. and Mrs. Fitzpudgit's Experiences of a Week-end Country Cottage._
_Mr. Fitzpudgit._ "What's the matter with the eggs, Matilda? I've tried
them with a fork two or three times, and they're not soft yet!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE SIMPLE LIFE."
_Mr. Fitzpudgit._ "Now don't faint again, my dear. I'll soon have this
old rabbit in bits, now!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE SIMPLE LIFE"
_Charwoman._ "If yer please, sir, th' landlord says as 'ow 'e can't do
nothin', 'cos the thatcher's busy with the ricks."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE SIMPLE LIFE"
_Mrs. Fitzpudgit._ "What is it, dear?" _Mr. F._ "Nothing, my love. Only
another puncture."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "APPRECIATIONS," LOCAL
_Vicar's Wife._ "I see, Mrs. Fieldsend, that Mary is home again."
_Mrs. Fieldsend._ "Yes, m'm. You see, she has been a year at Crowe
Rectory, and eighteen months at Exholme Vicarage, and now we want her to
go into a gentleman's family!"]
* * * * *
FAMILY JARS.--_Joan._ "The _idear_ of Susan's askin' John to William's
funeral, after the way 'e'd beyaved! I shouldn't certainly ever _dream_
of askin' 'im to _yours_!"
_Darby._ "_What!_ Then all _I_ can say is, I should be very much
offended if you _didn't_!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY]
* * * * *
LIVE STOCK.--_Little Miss Townley._ "Was that honey we had at breakfast
'home-made,' Mr. Stubbs?"
_Farmer Stubbs._ "Why, surely, missy."
_Little Miss T._ "Oh! Then I suppose you _keep a bee_?"
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Country Barber_ (_affably, to total stranger_). "Very
tryin' weather this, sir. Makes you feel as if you'd like your body in a
pond, an' your 'ead in a public-'ouse!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _The Rector's Daughter._ "My father feels it very much,
Mrs. Barker, that you should leave the church every Sunday just before
the sermon. Don't you think you might try and stay, in future?"
_Mrs. Barker._ "I dursn't do it, miss. _I do snore that dreadful when
I'm asleep!_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Lady_ (_calling on new Vicar's young wife_). "Have you
seen the library at the Hall? Sir George is quite a bibliophile, you
know."
_Vicar's Wife_ (_warmly_). "Oh, I'm _so_ glad to hear that! So many of
these wealthy men have _no_ religion!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Lady Visitor_ (_to old parishioner_). "Well, Mr.
Huggins, and has the nurse been to see you yet?" _Old Parishioner._
"Yes, mum, thank 'ee. She's called once, an done my foot more good than
all the imprecations I've ever used!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE SLOCUM POGIS TOILET-CLUB
"These 'ere barbers makes a rare lot o' fuss about it, but 'tain't nowt
to sheep shearin'."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: DIET.--_Village Doctor._ "Well, are you better? Have you
taken your medicine regularly, and eaten plenty of animal food?"
_Patient._ "Yes, sir, I tried it, and so long as it were be-ans and
o-ats, I could manage pooty well, sir; but when you come to that there
chopped hay, that right-down choked me, sir!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: NEEDLESS ALARM
_He._ "The fellah actually thweatened to blow my bwains out!"
_She._ "Oh, how _could_ he? Of _course_ he wasn't serious."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FORCE OF HABIT.--_Our County Member_ (_attending
church during the Recess_). "I beg to move, sir, that the question be
now put!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR CHRISTMAS CONCERT.--_The Rector_ (_who conducts the
Rehearsal_). "Suppose we try that movement again? I think, Mr. Footles,
you were half a bar behind in taking up your point. Oh dear!--you're not
going, Mr. Foo----" _Mr. Footles_ (_our Flauto Secondo, huffed_).
"Yessir. 'F you're so pertic'lar's 'alf a bar, I sha'n't jine the
s'ciety!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: ARTFUL--VERY.--_Mary._ "Don't keep a screougin' o' me,
John!" _John._ "Wh'oi bean't a screougin' on yer!" _Mary_
(_ingenuously_). "Well, y' can i' y' like, John!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Stranger._ "I suppose there's not much society about
here?"
_Barber._ "Society! Why there ain't two soup an' fish families within a
radius o' fifteen mile!"]
* * * * *
HOW MINERS OUGHT TO SWEAR.--"I'll take my Davy."
* * * * *
THE HARVEST OF CRIME.--The convict reaps the reward of his iniquity in
the county crop.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Stranger._ "You must find it very lonely on these
hills."
_Shepherd._ "Lonely? No, I don't. Why, there was a man an a 'oss passed
yesterday, an' there's you to-day."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Agricultural Parishioner_ (_wishing to ingratiate
himself with the new curate, who had given a lecture on the previous
evening_). "Thank ye, sir, for your reading to us last night." _New
Curate._ "Glad you liked it, John. I was a little afraid lest the
lecture might have been just a _little_ too scientific." _Agricultural
Parishioner._ "No, bless you, sir, not a bit of it. Why, we in these
parts be just like young ducks. _We do gobble up anything!_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE _FARE_."--_The Rector's
Wife_ (_at school feast, to one of the boys, who had been doing very
"good business"_). "What's the matter, Noggins? Don't you feel well?"
_Noggins._ "No, m'm,--but--I'll hev--to be wuss, m'm--afore I give in!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE SUBSTITUTE.--_The Rector's Wife._ "Oh, Mrs. Noggins,
I should really try to break your parrot of his habit of swearing in
that awful way!" _The Widow Noggins._ "Well 'm, I finds it such a
comfort to 'ear 'im. Makes it seem more like as if there was a man about
the 'ouse again."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Village Dame_ (_to eminent landscape-painter_). "Law,
sir, I do often wonder how you can 'ave the patience to bide here day
arter day, drarin' an' drarin'! But, there, one thing, you 'aves plenty
o' company!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: HORTICULTURAL CUTTINGS
(_Culled and Fetched from a Considerable Distance by Dumb Crambo
Junior_)
Coaly-us.
Sinner-area.
Pet-you-near.
Ah,-but-ill-us!
Peeler-go!-nyum!
Haughty culture.
Gee-rainy-(um!).
Ran-uncle-us.
Prim-you-la!
A-rum lily.]
* * * * *
BOON COMPANIONS!--_Bargee_ (_to Rustic_). "What! Ge-arge!" (_Rustic
grins in response._)
_Bargee._ "I'm allus main glad to see thee, Ge-arge."
_Rustic._ "Whoy?"
_Bargee._ "'Cause I know there must be a public-'ouse close by!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: "LAUDATOR TEMPORIS ACT I"
_Mrs. Ghoul._ "Ah, funerals isn't what they used to be in my time! I
recollect when we 'ad 'am sangwishes and sherry wine; but now it's as
much as you can git a bit o' cake and a cup o' tea. Ah!"]
* * * * *
CONTENTMENT.--_Giles._ "A happy New Year to you, marm, and I hope you'll
be as lucky this year as I was last."
_Lady._ "Oh, thank you very much, Giles; but you surely forget that you
lost your wife in the spring and broke your leg in the summer."
_Giles._ "Yes, but t'other leg's all right, and as for paw Soosan, it
might have been I to be took instead."
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Vicar_ (_who has introduced "Gregorian" tones into his
service_). "Well, Mr. Rogers, how did you like our music? Tradition
says, you know, that those psalm tunes are the original ones composed by
King David." _Flippant Parishioner._ "Really? Then I no longer wonder
why Saul threw his javelin at him!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _The Vicar._ "I'm surprised at _you_, Miggs. Why, look at
_me_. I can go into the town without coming back intoxicated." _Miggs._
"Yesh, zur, but _Oi_ be so popular!" (_Hic._)]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Vicar's Daughter._ "Oh, Mr. Gufling, I've called this
morning to tell you that for the parish charities we open our most
interesting show of local antiquities and curiosities, and may I hope
that _you_ will kindly give it your countenance?"]
* * * * *
POETRY OF NATURE.--When mist falls upon the earth, and freezes, it forms
rime.
* * * * *
_Customer._ "You told me that 'oss 'ad won a dozen matches agin some o'
th' best 'osses in the county. Why 'e can't trot a mile in ten minutes
to save 'is life."
_Dealer._ "I didn't say 'e could. You never asked me what sort o'
matches. It was in ploughin' matches 'e took the prizes!"
* * * * *
[Illustration]
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.