"You see I make no splash!"
There are some individuals so inflated with self-sufficiency, and
entertain such an overweaning opinion of their skill in all matters, that
they must needs have a finger in every pie.
Perhaps a finer specimen than old V____, of this genius of egotistic,
meddling mortals, never existed. He was a man well-to-do in the world,
and possessed not only a large fortune, but a large family.
He had an idea that no man was better qualified to bring up his children
in the way they should go; and eternally plagued the obsequious tutors of
his sons with his novel mode of instilling the rudiments of the Latin
tongue, although he knew not a word of the language; and the obedient
mistresses of his daughters with his short road to attaining a perfection
in playing the piano-forte, without knowing a note of the gamut: but what
could they say; why, nothing more or less than they were 'astonished;'
which was vague enough to be as true as it was flattering.
And then he was so universally clever, that he even interfered in the
culinary department of his household, instructing the red-elbowed,
greasy, grinning Cook, in the sublime art of drawing, stuffing, and
roasting a goose, for which she certainly did not fail to roast the goose
(her master) when she escaped to the regions below.
Even his medical attendant was compelled to acknowledge the efficacy of
his domestic prescriptions of water-gruel and honey in catarrhs, and
roasted onions in ear-aches, and sundry other simple appliances; and, in
fine, found himself, on most occasions, rather a 'consulting surgeon,'
than an apothecary, for he was compelled to yield to the man who had
studied Buchan's and Graham's Domestic Medicine. And the only
consolation he derived from his yielding affability, were the long bills
occasioned by the mistakes of this domestic quack, who was continually
running into errors, which required all his skill to repair. Nay, his
wife's mantua-maker did not escape his tormenting and impertinent advice;
for he pretended to a profound knowledge in all the modes, from the time
of Elizabeth to Victoria, and deemed his judgment in frills, flounces,
and corsages, as undeniable and infallible.
Of course the sempstress flattered his taste; for his wife, poor soul!
she soon had tact enough to discover, had no voice in the business.
His eldest son, George, had a notion that he could angle. Old V____
immediately read himself up in Walton, and soon convinced--himself, that
he was perfect in that line, and quite capable of teaching the whole art
and mystery.
"See, George," said he, when they had arrived at a convenient spot for
their first attempt, "this is the way to handle your tackle; drop it
gently into the water,--so!" and, twirling the line aloft, he hooked the
branches of an overhanging tree!--sagaciously adding, "You see I make no
splash! and hold your rod in this manner!"
George was too much afraid of his imperious father, to point out his
error, and old V____ consequently stood in the broiling sun for a full
quarter of an hour, before he discovered that he had caught a birch
instead of a perch!