THE TRAM-CARS.
Q.--“What is the difference between the Adelaide trams and the Adelaide
street lights?”
A.--“One has a set o’ lean horses, and the other has acetylene lamps!”
So much has been said, and written, about Adelaide’s tram-cars, that
any reference to the subject is of necessity boring, yet they are
the worst evil (worst, because, apparently, irremediable) in all
Australasia, and the system is a disgrace to any community calling
itself civilized, much less _Christian! Christian!_ Save the mark!
In the _Advertiser_ some months back appeared a letter signed “M. B.
S.,” written by a globe-trotter visiting the Village. He says--“I have
been all over the world, and have never seen such cruelty to horses as
here ... not even in Paris, where animals are not respected at all.”
No one can dispute “M. B. S.’s” statement. The facts are hideous. The
company’s shares are held by bloated--_very_ bloated--property-holders.
Of course they draw eight per cent, or so, and, being essentially
Adelaidean in their instincts, they want no change--they are satisfied.
It is unnecessary to dwell on the inconvenience to, and discomfort
of, passengers--any discomfort they get I am inclined to think they
deserve--and I speak solely from the standpoint of the ill-used
horse. The cars are frequently overcrowded, the animals badly fed and
mercilessly driven, and often in summer the miserable brutes fall dead:
I have seen as many as three die within a fortnight on the hill near
the Children’s Hospital. It is pitiful, and if some of the so-called
Christians of Adelaide employed a little less theory and a good deal
more practice, some remedy might be effected. I am thankful to say
that I have never ridden in one of these cars. May I die if ever I
add to the burden of those unfortunate horses, or the wealth of those
bloated shareholders! I am no ardent pedestrian, but a thousand times
rather would I walk than participate in such brutal ill-usage of one of
the noblest animals in the scheme of creation. Christians, forsooth!
Christ, the gentlest and kindest of men, would never have countenanced
such cruelty, and yet Adelaide is a Christian village, infested with
Churchianity.
I would suggest that the promoters of this tramway system be boiled to
slow music, the shareholders be mutilated, the drivers be put to a more
Christian trade--or suffer the punishment of their unintelligence--and
the youthful fare-collectors taught to espouse a nobler cause.
* * * * *
There are other modes of transit in the Village--one or two ’buses,
some dilapidated machines called carettes, and some four-wheeled cabs.
Some of the drivers of said four-wheelers treat their horses less
brutally than does the tramway company, and therefore they deserve to
make a living.
There are also several hansoms striving to earn a more or less honest
crust under the frightful stigma of “not quite respectable--hardly
correct!” To these we wish better days--the drivers are civil, the
horses well fed, and the cabs fairly modern. Especially does one Fisher
(no relation to the author) deserve to succeed, he having a decent
intelligence, and a hansom worthy a better fate than Adelaide!
_PART II_
CHAPTER I.
THE MEN.
Adelaide is largely inhabited by the type of man that wears celluloid
collars, and travels on coastal boats--to be sure there are a few
male inhabitants who have neither qualification, but these are mainly
bankrupt, and therefore do not count. It is fairly safe to assume their
bankruptcy is due to their contempt for celluloid collars, and their
disregard of Adelaide’s social laws, combined, in many cases, with a
large devotion to Bacchus.
Edward Lauri, when in Adelaide recently, remarked that the local men
were the best caricature-types he had ever seen. “They nearly all look
exactly alike,” he said, “and they never change! In another five years
they will look just as they look to-day. They are now wearing the same
shaped hats, collars, and ties, and the same suits of clothes that they
wore when I was here eighteen months ago!”
Assuming this statement to be true, it will be understood that they
are not very exhilarating to meet--always excepting the bankrupts
we alluded to before, some of whom are gay young bucks. Most of the
Village’s male population have married barmaids, nurses, or money, so
the social atmosphere is not as high as it might be. They grow weird
hirsute adornments in the shape of beards and whiskers. The only men
who grow a self-respecting moustache are the coachmen, and with them
it is an unnecessary adjunct, detracting much from the beauty of their
appearance. Certainly they have some recipe for growing a moustache
unknown to the bulk of male Adelaide, judging by the finely-decorated
upper lips I have seen on the box-seats of grubby-looking carriages.
Younger male Adelaide is intelligent--in many cases almost
brilliant--but, hampered by ridiculous conventionalities, it rarely
fulfils its early promise. A few have risen superior to their
environments, and these have done the wisest thing possible--left
Adelaide far behind, and gone to better places.
Some few men have made fortunes here, and these almost always--with
pardonable ingratitude!--go elsewhere to spend their wealth.
You men of Adelaide--poor, narrow-minded fools most of you!--would
that you could learn, before it is too late, what good things you are
missing--would that you could realise that there may be some good in
people (and places) who do not share your own prejudices.
From all of which sweeping statement I exempt two classes--the Post
Office officials and the Railway employés. I have never received more
kindly courtesy anywhere than from these departments here--(I refer
chiefly to the heads of the departments) and for their unfailing
kindness and attention I thank them. These officials will always take
precedence in my mind as the most valuable assets in Adelaide.
One thing more--if any remarks in the foregoing chapter have offended
any of my few friends here, I would ask them to remember that, being
friends, they are of necessity exceptions!
CHAPTER II.
THE WOMEN.
The misfortune of the Adelaide women is that they were not born
quadrupeds--they are a kind of mistake for cats, and only lack the
outward and visible sign of the feline tribe. (Hard to be cat by
nature and inclination, and be compelled to wear the guise of woman!)
Moreover, they make one believe in the old Spanish tradition, that cats
are descended from snakes. The outward semblance of the Adelaide female
is intense respectability, and of course, in many cases, being homely
to look upon, and exceeding badly clothed, she has no temptation to
err from the paths of strict propriety. The poorer type is terrible to
look upon, and the rich women make one wonder how they manage to spend
so much money in clothing their nakedness, and with such disastrous
results. Still, there are a few younger specimens who are passing fair,
and if rescued in time, might ornament a brighter sphere. We see large
possibilities in younger female Adelaide, and this saddens us, knowing
as we do that, if timely rescue is not effected, these fair maids will
grow up like the older generation, and find their main recreation in
discussing the foibles of women--aye, and men too--who are outside, or
beyond their sympathies, and who are, doubtless, infinitely superior to
themselves.
I appeal to all large-hearted, intelligent men from the other
States--from anywhere, provided you are clean, well-behaved, and,
incidentally, possessed of your fair share of this world’s goods--come
and marry the fair daughters of Adelaide. There are many who are good
to look upon, and quite intelligent, and with care it is not too late
for them to develop into good wives and mothers, and, better still,
broad-minded, enlightened, interesting women.
There is also a less objectionable type of femininity here--the
harmless--but she is uninteresting, and therefore not to be forgiven.
She is usually stupid by nature, and charitable by inclination, the
sort of person of whom one says, “She’s a dear, good woman--so kind.”
She cannot be objectionable, because she has no deep feelings--she
cannot be morally bad, because she has no strong passions--and she
cannot be spiteful, because she is soon taught that, having few charms,
she cannot hope to compete with those who have.
Feminine Adelaide has, as we hinted before, wild and terrible ideas
of dress; every gown she wears is a sartorial crime, and bitter is
her hatred and jealousy for any who exploit clothes better, or less
offensive than her own. It follows that, with such limitations she, as
a type, hates a broad, cultured, or enlightened woman. I have watched
the fate of one or two splendid brainy women here, and have inwardly
smiled--Bow to the conventions, O woman! if you would appear well in
the eyes of Adelaide.
To sample local charity--in a family of my acquaintance, the cook, a
girl of nineteen, previously respectable, went wrong. In any civilized
community the mistress, recognising a valuable servant, would have done
what she could at the time, and taken her back when the trouble was
over. But the lady in question simply dismissed her, thereby offering a
further incentive to a young girl to go wrong.
It must be remembered, however, that the unfortunate girl of Adelaide
gets few of the advantages of higher education, and is generally
brought up in total ignorance of the serious things of life.
I know one family of four daughters, the eldest twenty-one, who have
never been allowed to enter a theatre, although their father, a
tolerably well-educated man, says he believes in a thorough education.
When it was suggested to him that his daughters might see the
“Midsummer Night’s Dream,” he was horrified. To be sure, these girls
are motherless--a kind, sensible mother would surely understand that
Shakespeare is a desirable branch of education.
Let us glance at local society. In a street I know, on one corner,
Rags, a cheap but successful draper, has reared a red and white
edifice. Opposite, the lady who once sold hats to fairer sisters in
Melbourne, espoused to quite an important person, has wormed her way
into the chosen few. Further up, an inferior edition of the share
market assumes the pretensions of a Grand Duke.
Then we have Tobacco married to Alcohol, and, bashing in the smiles of
the very select--a quondam shepherd and a city waitress united in holy
matrimony, and entertaining largely; a nurse also secured one of the
matrimonial prizes. The daughter of a cocky farmer has snared a son of
one of Adelaide’s first families; a dentist’s apprentice (daughter of
a handsome barmaid) has caught another. There are funnier cases than
these, but I forbear to cite them--I have quoted enough to show how
aristocratic is the society that sets so high a store on its smiles and
favours.
Just outside the social pale one or two decently educated men have
married _nymphes de pavées_, but these of course are carefully shunned
by Adelaide’s best and fairest.
Women of Adelaide--If I have down-trodden your pet virtues, or wounded
your susceptibilities, or flown in the face of your dearest prejudices,
during a boring existence among you, it has been with the best
motives--with a desire to keep abreast of the times, and not to become
embedded in musty conventionalities.
CHAPTER III.
THE LESSER ANIMALS.
I HAVE not devoted much time to the classification of these, but I
believe that they comprise chiefly mosquitoes, cockroaches, flies,
rats, and Lady Kitty.
_PART III.--GENERALITIES._
CHAPTER I.
MANNERS AND CUSTOMS.
I AM inclined to agree with a certain prelate of some unfrequented
islands, who said of the inhabitants, “Customs beastly, manners none.”
The most characteristic custom of female Adelaide is church-going--any
church committee, prayer meeting, or bazaar, will tear her away from
domestic duties. Sometimes she persuades her male belongings to
accompany her, but they seem not to appreciate this attention, and
generally wander wearily to church with a woe-begone “duty-compels-me”
air.
The men have only two customs, common to them all. The first is a
tendency to look too often on the wine that is red. Hotel-keeping is
a profitable business here, where the “come and have a drink” formula
is repeated at intervals of five minutes all day, and, frequently,
nearly all night. Particularly on the share market is this habit
apparent, where every deal made is responsible for plentiful libations
from the cup that cheers. Whisky and soda, beer, and frequently even
fizzy drink, form the most staple articles of nourishment among the
share-broking fraternity. The other prevalent custom is a fixed
devotion to narrow-toed boots, which common-sense and fashion (for
once agreed) discarded long ago. The former habit is an evil, because
far-reaching in its results. In time it might kill its victims, but
that would be a matter of small regret as many of them could well be
spared. It is the misery said victims entail on their wives and mothers
to which I take objection. The drinkers, having little intellect to
destroy, do not lose much mentally by their Bacchanalian orgies, but
they become vastly disagreeable to their fellow-creatures. Of the other
custom--to wit, their taste in boots, there is little to be said, as it
makes them uncomfortable, and does not hurt anyone else.
No comment that I could make would be severe enough to portray the
utter brutishness of the villagers’ manners--let the gentle reader
go to the Mayor’s ball, or any other public function, and judge for
himself! When the supper rooms are thrown-open, the guests fight like
wild beasts, and their rush for food is like nothing I have ever seen
so much as a pack of hungry beagles at feeding-time. Whether they fast
for a week in order to avail themselves of these free repasts, I cannot
say, but their greed is appalling.
The villagers’ stare (this applies particularly to the female
population) is an awful and shameless thing. Especially do they gaze
at those of more pleasing appearance than themselves; whether from
motives of scorn or of envy, I know not. The men do not, as a rule,
indulge this habit--perhaps they are never sufficiently sober--but the
women feast their eyes with undisguised rudeness on anything, female or
otherwise, that interests them. To be sure the stare is not always so
distressing as it is meant to be, because it is so difficult to take
the villagers seriously. Scorn is wasted when emanating from an untidy
female with a small intelligence and large feet, and it is difficult to
be awe-inspiring in ready-made skirts and number six shoes! Moreover,
said untidy females have not sufficient tact or intelligence to conceal
their evil feelings, and not enough courage to live up to them.
Monkshood says:--“An ugly woman, badly dressed is doubly damned--She is
bad Nature and bad Art.”
If that be true, female Adelaide in general is going fast to perdition.
CHAPTER II.
INDUSTRIES.
The main industry of the Village is child-bearing, and Adelaide, both
married and unmarried, does her best to help the birth-rate. Motherhood
_may_ be the noblest mission of women, but I question whether the
Almighty Himself would approve of the perpetuation of some of the
Village family-trees.
Fruit-growing is the local industry most deserving of praise, and must
certainly qualify as a redeeming feature of the Village. Many of the
successful growers are Chinamen. We may clamor for a White Australia,
but it strikes one forcibly that the Yellow Mistake has helped
materially to further national industries, especially fruit-growing.
But most of all, Adelaide prides herself on her wines. To pervert
Scripture slightly--“We produce fruit, and children, and wine, but the
greatest of these is Wine!” May a merciful God forgive Adelaide her
wine, if He cannot find it in His heart to forgive the poor fools who
drink it!
All the grapes on all the vines in all the vineyards of South
Australia, helped by all the labor of all the employés of all the
famous people who own those vines, could not produce one glass of wine
to equal the _Vin Ordinaire_ of France.
But has not the Almighty already shown His disapproval of this
particular industry by burning down one of the most extensive cellars,
with vats and vats of red wine, and white wine, and wine that isn’t
wine at all? _The Soil_ grows the wine in France, and the French
and Italians are born, as it were, to the art of wine-making. To import
one or two skilled men is not enough--armies of them are required.
Moreover, the wine is consumed as soon as it is made (this last fact is
wonderful to anyone who has tasted it!), and it is one of the things
which should be ancient. Had old Omar sampled Adelaide’s wines, he
would never have written--
“I often wonder what the vintners buy,
One half so precious as the stuff they sell.”
The local vintners buy land, and houses, and household gods at, I
suspect, the expense of many an unfortunate who has learned his first
lessons in intemperance from their infernal concoctions--a cheap
amusement certainly, but like most cheap things, nasty, and while
getting beautifully into one’s head, quite conducive to rheumatic
gout. In fact, had Omar lived in Adelaide, he would never have sung
the praises of the vine at all, his glorious “Rubaiyat” would not have
been written, and the world would be the poorer for the loss. “Protect
local industries!” Well and good, when the local manufactures are
equal to the imported article; but, as in the case of wines, why put a
prohibitive duty on what cannot be satisfactorily made in the State,
thereby compelling the consumption by the masses of an inferior product?
There are other local industries--some people have a sheep, and shear
it once a year, some publish newspapers!--others breed horses (some of
them good), others make inferior jam, and others again farm, with some
profit.
But serious contemplation of the Great Wine Industry has ejected all
minor ones from the writer’s mind.
The wine matches the inhabitants, and I leave the reader to supply his
own adjectives.
CHAPTER III.
REDEEMING FEATURES.
1. THE RAILWAY EMPLOYÉS--
2. THE POST OFFICE OFFICIALS--
Both of whom are deserving of the
kindest memories, and of many
other blessings.
3. THE CABMEN, who, as previously remarked, are quite
efficient.
4. THE WHEAT (and indeed all cereals) is about as good as any
in the World, and consequently,
5. THE FLOUR is excellent--it should certainly be exported to
better places.
6. THE FRUIT is beyond reproach. In size, sweetness and
flavor, it is the best in Australia, and rivals any in the world.
7. THE WEATHER, because it sometimes keeps the most
disagreeable people indoors.
8. A RETURN TICKET TO MELBOURNE.
In conclusion, O “Arcadian Adelaide,” may you improve--may your people
prosper, and be happy, in order that they may remain in their own
Village, and inflict themselves less on the outside world. May you some
day awake to a sense of your own insignificance, and discover that the
sun would shine, and the flowers bloom, and the birds sing on, even
though you were sunk in the New Outer Harbor.
I wish you many good things, you people of Adelaide--but most of all
I wish that you may soon be rid of my odious presence, which wish is
probably mutual! And if these pages bear the imprint of many faults--if
they anger, or--worse still--bore you, remember that there is no place
on earth less calculated to foster literary merit than
ARCADIAN ADELAIDE.
THISTLE ANDERSON.
_Adelaide:
Modern Printing Co., Twin Street._
Transcriber’s Note:
Page 12
the buildings agressively new _changed to_
the buildings aggressively new
Page 16
most of the employé’s hail from _changed to_
most of the employés hail from
Page 18
There are also Benovelent, Destitute _changed to_
There are also Benevolent, Destitute
Page 28
remembered, however, that the unfortunrte _changed to_
remembered, however, that the unfortunate
Page 29
market assumes ths pretensions of _changed to_
market assumes the pretensions of
Pages 29-30
nymphes de pavèes _changed to_
nymphes de pavées
Page 38
THE RAILWAY EMPLOYES _changed to_
THE RAILWAY EMPLOYÉS