"Have you never found yourself at the top of a tower, or even at the
edge of a precipice, having at the same time a desire to throw yourself
down into space, and a feeling of terror absolutely the reverse?"
"That can be explained on purely physical grounds," said the doctor;
"first, the fatigue of walking up hill sends a rush of blood to the
brain, which--"
"Let us leave aside the question of the blood, doctor," broke in the
Count impatiently, "and take another instance. You hold a loaded
firearm. Your best friend stands by. The idea occurs to you to put a
ball through his head. You hold assassination in the greatest horror,
but all the same, you have thought of it. I believe, gentlemen, that if
all the thoughts which come into our heads in the course of an hour ...
I believe that if all _your_ thoughts, Professor, whom I hold to be so
wise, were written down, they would form a folio volume probably, after
the perusal of which there would not be a single lawyer who could
successfully defend you, nor a judge who would not either put you in
prison or even in a lunatic asylum."
"That judge, Count, would certainly not condemn me for having hunted,
for more than an hour this morning, for the mysterious law that decides
which Slavonic verbs take a future tense when joined to a preposition;
but if by chance I had some other thought, what proof of it could you
bring against me? I am no more master of my thoughts than of the
external accidents which suggest them to me. Because a thought springs
up in my mind, it cannot be implied that I have put it into execution,
or even resolved to do so. I have never thought of killing anybody; but,
if the thought of a murder comes into my mind, is not my reason there to
drive it away?"
"You talk with great certainty of your reason; but is it always with us,
as you say, to guide us? Reflection, that is to say, time and coolness
are necessary to make the reason speak and be obeyed. Has one always
both of these? In battle I see a bullet coming towards me; it rebounds,
and I get out of the way; by so doing I expose my friend, for whose life
I would have given my own if I had had time for reflection...."
I tried to point out to him our duty as men and Christians, the
obligation we are under to imitate the warrior of the Scriptures, always
ready for battle; at length I made him see that in constantly struggling
against our passions we gain fresh strength to weaken and to overcome
them. I only succeeded, I fear, in reducing him to silence, and he did
not seem convinced.
I stayed but ten days longer at the Castle. I paid one more visit to
Dowghielly, but we did not sleep there. As on the first occasion, Mlle.
Iwinska acted like a frolicsome and spoilt child. She exercised a kind
of fascination over the Count, and I did not doubt that he was very much
in love with her. At the same time he knew her faults thoroughly, and
was under no illusions. He knew she was a frivolous coquette, and
indifferent to all that did not afford her amusement. I could see that
he often suffered internally at seeing her so unreasonable; but as soon
as she paid him some little attention his face shone, and he beamed with
joy, forgetful of all else. He wished to take me to Dowghielly for the
last time the day before my departure, possibly because whilst I could
stay talking with the aunt, he could walk in the garden with the niece;
but I had so much work to do I was obliged to excuse myself, however
much he urged. He returned to dinner, although he had told us not to
wait. He came to table, but could not eat. He was gloomy and
ill-tempered all through the meal. From time to time his eyebrows
contracted and his eyes assumed a sinister expression. When the doctor
returned to the Countess, the Count followed me to my room, and told me
all that was on his mind.
"I heartily repent," he exclaimed, "having left you to go and see that
little fool who makes game of me, and only cares for fresh faces; but,
fortunately, all is over between us; I am utterly disgusted, and I will
never see her again...."
For some time he paced up and down according to his usual habit.
"You thought, perhaps, I was in love with her?" he went on. "That is
what the silly doctor thinks. No, I have never loved her. Her merry look
amused me. Her white skin gave me pleasure to look at.... That is all
there is pleasing about her,... her complexion especially. She has no
brains. I have never seen anything in her but just a pretty doll,
agreeable to look at when one is tired and lacks a new book.... There is
no doubt she is beautiful.... Her skin is marvellous!... The blood under
that skin ought to be better than a horse's.... Do you not think so,
Professor?"
And he laughed aloud, but his laugh was not pleasant to hear.
I said good-bye to him the next day, to continue my explorations in the
north of the Palatinate.