_The same to the same._
NOIRMOUTIERS,... _May_, 1845.
I have meant to write to you for a long time, my dear Sophie, but have
always been kept back by a feeling of shame. What I want to tell you is
so strange, so ridiculous and, withal, so sad, that I scarcely know
whether you will be moved to tears or to laughter. I am still at a loss
to understand it myself. But I will come to the facts without more
beating about the bush. I have mentioned the Abbé Aubain to you several
times in my previous letters: he is the curé of our village,
Noirmoutiers. I also told you the story which led to his entering into
the priesthood. Living away from everybody, and my mind full of those
melancholy thoughts which you know trouble me, the companionship of a
clever, cultivated and agreeable man was extremely congenial to me. Very
likely I let him see that he interested me, for, in a very short time,
he came to our house as though he were an old friend. I admit it was
quite a novel pleasure to me to talk with a man of cultured mind. The
ignorance of the world did but enhance his intellectual distinction.
Perhaps, too--for I must tell you everything; I do not wish to hide from
you any little failings of my character--perhaps, too, the naïvete of my
coquetry (to use your own expression), for which you have often scolded
me, has been at work unconsciously. I love to be pleasant to people who
please me, and I want to be liked by those whom I like.... I see you
open your eyes wide at this discourse, and I think I can hear you
exclaim "Julie!" Don't be anxious; I am too old to be silly. But to
continue. A degree of intimacy has sprung up between us without--let me
hasten to say--anything either having been said or done inconsistent
with his sacred calling. He is very happy in my society. We often talk
of his earlier days, and more than once my evil genius has prompted me
to bring up the subject of that romantic attachment which cost him a
bouquet (now lying in ashes on my hearth) and the gloomy cassock he
wears. It was not difficult to see that he thought of his faithless
mistress less often. One day he met her in the town, and even spoke to
her. He told me all about it on his return, and added quite calmly that
she was happy and had several charming children. He saw, by chance, some
of Henry's fits of temper; hence ensued almost unavoidable confidences
from my side, and on his increased sympathy. He understood my husband as
though he had known him for a matter of ten years. Furthermore, his
advice was as wise as yours, and more impartial, for you always hold
that both sides are in the wrong. He always thinks I am in the right,
but at the same time recommends prudence and tact. In short, he proves
himself a devoted friend. There is something almost feminine about him
which captivates me. His disposition reminds me of yours: it is
great-minded and strong, sensitive and reserved, with an exaggerated
sense of duty.... I jostle my words together one on top of the other in
order to delay what I want to tell you. I cannot speak openly; this
paper frightens me. If only I had you in the fireside corner, with a
little frame between us, embroidering the same piece of work! But at
length, at length, Sophie, I must tell you the real truth. The poor
fellow is in love with me. You may laugh, or perhaps you are shocked? I
wish I could see you just now. He has not of course said a word to me,
but those large dark eyes of his cannot lie.... At these words I believe
you will laugh. What wonderful eyes those are which speak unconsciously!
I have seen any number of men try to make theirs expressive who only
managed to look idiotic. I must confess that my bad angel almost
rejoiced at first over this unlucky state of things. To make a
conquest--such a harmless conquest as this one--at my age! It is
something to be able to excite such a feeling, such an impossible
passion!... But shame on me! This vile feeling soon passed away. I said
to myself I have done wrong to a worthy man by my thoughtless conduct.
It is dreadful; I must put a stop to it immediately. I racked my brains
to think how I could send him away. One day we were walking together on
the beach at low tide; he did not dare to utter one word, and I was
equally embarrassed. Five moments of deadly silence followed, during
which I picked up shells to cover my confusion. At last I said to him,
"My dear Abbé, you must certainly have a better living than this. I
shall write to my uncle the bishop; I will go to see him if necessary."
"Leave Noirmoutiers!" he exclaimed, clasping his hands. "But I am so
happy here! What more can I desire while you are here? You have
overwhelmed me with good things, and my little house has become a
palace." "No," I replied, "my uncle is very old; if I had the misfortune
to lose him I should not know whom to address to obtain a suitable
post." "Alas! Madam, I should be very sorry to leave this village!...
The curé de Sainte-Marie is dead,... but I am not troubled, because I
believe he will be replaced by l'abbé Raton, who is a most excellent
priest. I am delighted with his appointment, for if Monseigneur had
thought of me----"
"The curé de Sainte-Marie is dead!" I cried.
"I will go to my uncle at N---- to-day."
"Ah, Madam, do nothing in the matter. The Abbé Raton is much better
fitted for it than I; and, then, to leave Noirmoutiers!..."
"Monsieur l'abbé," I said resolutely, "you must!" At these words he
lowered his head and did not venture to oppose. I nearly ran back to the
château. He followed me a couple of paces behind, poor man, too much
upset to open his mouth. He was quite crushed. I did not lose a minute.
By eight o'clock I was at my uncle's house. I found him very much
prejudiced in favour of his Raton; but he is fond of me, and I know my
power. At length, after a long discussion, I got my way. Raton is cast
aside, and l'abbé Aubain is curé of Sainte-Marie. He has been at the
town for two days. The poor fellow understood my "You must." He thanked
me seriously, but spoke of nothing beyond his gratitude. I am grateful
to him for leaving Noirmoutiers so soon, and for telling me even that he
was in haste to go and thank Monseigneur. He sent me at parting his
pretty Byzantine casket, and asked permission to write to me sometimes.
Ah, well, my dear. _Are you satisfied, Coucy?_ This is a lesson which I
shall not forget when I get back into the world. But then I shall be
thirty-three, and shall hardly expect to be admired ... and with such
devotion as his!... Truly, that would be out of the question. Never
mind, from the ruins of all this folly I save a pretty casket and a true
friend. When I am forty, and a grandmother, I will plot to obtain the
Abbé Aubain a living in Paris. Some day you will see this come to pass,
my dear, and he will give your daughter her first communion.