We are formed for society; and whoever refuses social intercourse with
his fellow-beings, and lives to himself, violates an established law of
nature. But the operation of this general principle creates the
necessity of particular laws for the regulation of that intercourse.
Hence, a numerous train of duties arise out of our social relations. And
those duties enter more or less into the common concerns of life,
according as these relations are more or less remote. The first relation
which the Lord has established among men, is that of the _family_. This
was established in Paradise; and it has been preserved, in all ages of
the world, and in all countries, with more or less distinctness,
according to the degree of moral principle which has prevailed. The
Scriptures are very particular in describing this relation, as it
existed in the patriarchal ages. It has its foundation in the fitness of
things; and hence the duties arising out of it are very properly classed
as _moral_ duties. Of such consequence does the Lord regard this
relation, that he has given it a place in the decalogue. Three of the
ten commandments have particular reference to the family relation. From
the first institution of this relation, we learn that the father and
mother are to constitute the united head of the family. "_They twain
shall be one flesh._" Authority is therefore doubtless vested in them
both, to exercise jointly. But, since the fall, when mankind became
perverse and self-willed, the nature and fitness of things seem to
require that there should be a precedence of authority, in case of a
division of the united head. This precedence, the Scriptures clearly and
distinctly point out. One of the curses pronounced upon the woman, after
the fall, was, that her husband should rule over her. This principle was
carried out in the families of the patriarchs. The apostle Peter says,
that the holy women of old adorned themselves with a meek and quiet
spirit, and were in subjection to their own husbands: and particularly
notice the conduct of Sarah, the mother of the Jewish nation, who
_obeyed_ Abraham, calling him lord. The same principle is repeatedly
taught in the New Testament. "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own
husbands, as unto the Lord." "As the Church is subject unto Christ, so
let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." "Let the wife see
that she reverence her husband." "Likewise ye wives be in subjection to
your own husbands." There can be no room for doubt, then, on this
subject. But, where Christian principle prevails with both parties,
there will be rarely, if ever, occasion to exercise this authority.
The fifth commandment teaches the duty of subordination to the head of
the family, not only on the part of the children themselves, but of
every member of the household. So far as the general interests of the
family are concerned, persons residing in it are regarded in the same
light as children; subject to all its laws, rules and regulations. Thus
the Lord speaks of Abraham: "I know him that he will command his
children _and his household_ after him, and they shall keep the way of
the Lord." The principle is here recognized, that Abraham had a right to
_command_, not only his own children, but all his household. And the
same may also be inferred from the language of the fourth commandment.
It is addressed to the head of the family, and enjoins upon him to see
that no labor is performed on the Sabbath, by any of his household, not
even excepting the _stranger_ that is within his gates.
The duty of the younger members of the family to respect the elder, may
be inferred,--1. From the nature and fitness of things. The elder
brethren and sisters are the superiors of the younger, in age and
experience, and generally in wisdom and knowledge. They are better
qualified to take the lead, and therefore entitled to respect and
deference. 2. The same thing may also be inferred from the precedence
always given in Scripture to the first-born.
But the great household duty is LOVE. If this is properly discharged, it
will set all other matters right. If this is wanting, there will be a
lack of everything else. The Scriptures insist upon the duty of
brotherly love. "Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to
dwell together in unity!" Christ, in his sermon on the mount, severely
rebukes the indulgence of anger, and the want of kindness and courtesy
among brethren. And the apostle John says, that "whosoever hateth his
brother, is a murderer." A kind, tender-hearted, affectionate, and
peaceful temper, should be maintained, in all the intercourse of
different members of the same family.
But as mankind began to multiply, it became necessary that the social
relations should be extended. A number of families, residing near each
other, formed a neighborhood, or community. This gave rise to the new
relation of neighbor, from the necessity of intercourse between
families. This was again extended, to the formation of nations and
kingdoms. But all these various relations are subject to the same great
laws as those of the family; for they have grown out of them. The same
principle which requires subordination to the head of the family,
requires also deference to the elders of a community, and subordination
to the rulers of the nation. And the same principle which requires the
exercise of kindness, gentleness, meekness, forbearance, condescension
and love, between the members of the same family, requires the exercise
of similar dispositions between individuals of the same community and
nation. The principle is also still farther extended, embracing the
whole world as one great family; and requiring the exercise of love and
the practice of benevolence towards all mankind. "Submit yourselves to
every ordinance of man, for the Lord's sake." "Thou shalt love thy
neighbor as thyself."
But, in consequence of the fall, another most interesting relation has
been established. Out of this apostate world, God has chosen himself a
family. Of this family, Christ is the head, and his people are the
members. Here are the same relations as in the natural family; but they
are different in their nature. They are spiritual, and, of course, of
higher obligation. We are required to love Christ more than father or
mother. And the Lord Jesus says with emphasis, "This is my commandment,
that ye love one another." I have no doubt that, when grace is in full
exercise in the heart, the brotherly love which Christians exercise
towards one another is far stronger than the natural affection which
exists between brothers and sisters of the same family.
From this general view of the social relations, we may gather the
following rules of conduct:
1. Endeavor to render to all the members of the family in which you
reside just that degree of deference and respect which belongs to them.
Conscientiously regard the rules and regulations introduced by the head
of the family, unless they are contrary to the word of God. In such case
you should leave the family; because your relative duties would
interfere with your duty to God.[M] Remember, it is in the domestic
circle where your character is to be formed. It is here that your
disposition is to be tried, and your piety cultivated. Endeavor, then,
to maintain, in your family intercourse, the same dignity and propriety
of deportment which you wish to sustain in society. Never descend to
anything at the fireside which you would despise in a more extended
circle. Bring the most minute actions of your daily life to the test of
Christian principle. Remember that, in the sight of God, there are no
_little sins_. The least transgression is sufficient to condemn the soul
forever. "He that offendeth in one point is guilty of all." Especially
avoid the indulgence of a selfish disposition. It is both unamiable and
unchristian. Be always ready to sacrifice your own feelings, when by so
doing you can give pleasure to others. Study the wishes and feelings of
others, and prefer them to your own. Manifest a disinterestedness of
feeling. Strive to be helpful to others, even at the expense of personal
feeling and interest. "Look not every man on his own things, but every
man on the things of others." "Charity seeketh not her own." Be kind to
all; respectful towards superiors, courteous to equals, and
condescending to inferiors. Be particularly careful not to trample upon
the feelings of servants. Nothing can be more unamiable. If you
cultivate these dispositions and principles of action habitually, in the
domestic circle, they will become so natural and easy as to flow out
spontaneously in every circle in which you move. And this will call
forth the love and esteem of all your acquaintance. It will bring honor
upon your profession, increase your influence, and thereby enable you to
do more for the glory of God.
[Footnote M: This direction would not be proper for a minor, in
her father's house, or in the place provided by a guardian. In
such cases, it would be duty to remain, and submit to the penalty
of disobedience; remembering that it is a blessing to be
persecuted for righteousness' sake.]
2. _There are special duties growing out of your relation to the
church._ Some of these I have considered in former letters. But I have
particular reference now to _social_ duties. You are to regard all the
members of the church as brothers and sisters. You are to love them just
in proportion as they are like Christ. It is the appearance of the image
of Jesus, alone, in our Christian brethren, which can call forth the
spiritual exercise of brotherly love. I say the _appearance_ of the
image of Christ, because we may be deceived as to the existence of that
image in the hearts of others, and yet our love may be as sincere and
fervent as if the image were genuine. No Christian duty is more insisted
on in Scripture than brotherly love. It is repeatedly enjoined by our
Lord and his apostles. It is so essential a part of the Christian
character, that it is mentioned by the beloved disciple as one of the
principal evidences of the new birth. Now, how do we manifest our love
to our brothers and sisters? We delight in their society. We love to
meet them, to talk about each other's interests, and the interests of
the family in general. So, if you love your brethren and sisters in the
church, you will delight in their society; you will love to meet with
them, to interchange kind offices; to talk of the difficulties, trials,
hopes, fears, joys, and sorrows, of the way to the heavenly Canaan; and
to speak of the interests of the great spiritual family to which you
belong. Hence, I argue the duty of social intercourse among Christians.
But, it is to be greatly feared that the real object of such intercourse
is too frequently overlooked. How often do Christians meet, and talk
about "trifles light as air," without once speaking of subjects which,
according to their profession, lie nearest their hearts. This ought not
so to be. It is a sinful conformity to the spirit of the world. The
great object of social intercourse among Christians should be, to
promote brotherly love and Christian fellowship. And how can these ends
be answered, when their conversation is altogether about the affairs of
the world? I do not say that it is wrong to talk about these things. The
smallest matters claim a portion of our attention. But it is wrong to
make them the principal topics of conversation, to the exclusion of
heavenly things. When we do speak of them, it should be with some good
end in view; and our conversation should always be seasoned by the
application of Christian principle to all subjects.
In addition to the general obligation of social intercourse among
Christians, there are some particular duties which they owe to one
another. They are to exercise mutual forbearance and tenderness towards
each other's faults, and, at the same time, to watch over and admonish
one another. Whenever you see a brother or a sister out of the way, it
is your duty, with meekness, tenderly and kindly to administer reproof.
"If a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual restore such
an one in the spirit of meekness." "With all lowliness and meekness,
with long-suffering, _forbearing one another in love_." In all cases,
where one is to be selected for the performance of a particular duty,
which may seem to confer honor, prefer others to yourself. "In honor
preferring one another." "In lowliness of mind, let each esteem other
better than themselves." "Yea, all of you, be subject one to another,
and be clothed with humility." "Submitting yourselves one to another in
the fear of God." Yet, do not carry this principle so far as to refuse
to act where duty calls. A disposition to be backward in such matters is
often a serious hindrance to benevolent effort. Be always ready to
engage in any enterprise for doing good; but prefer the office which
requires the most labor with the least honor. Christians ought also to
take delight in assisting each other; and to feel personally interested
in each other's welfare. In short, the feeling that pervades the church
should be preeminently a FAMILY FEELING.
3. _There are also some special duties growing out of your relations to
general society._ Be ever ready to interchange kind offices with every
one who maintains a decent moral deportment; and be kind and
compassionate, even to the vicious, so far as you can, without
associating with them on terms of equality. By this means you may win
the affections of impenitent sinners, and thereby secure their attention
to direct efforts for the salvation of their souls. But, you should
never suffer your feelings of complacency and good-will towards those
who are destitute of piety, to lead you to conform to the spirit of the
world which influences their conduct. Your social intercourse with them
should be regulated upon this principle. Never go any farther into their
society than you can carry your religion with you. "Be not conformed to
this world."
4. _Although it be your duty to visit, yet, in this matter, be careful
to be governed by religious principle._ There is, in the human mind, a
tendency to run into extremes in everything. Against this you need
especially to be on your guard in social intercourse. When visiting is
excessive, it dissipates the mind, and unfits it for any laborious
employment. When this state of mind becomes habitual, a person is never
easy except when in company. The most vigorous mind may thus be rendered
comparatively inert and powerless. But, on the other hand, by shutting
yourself out from society, you will dry up the social feelings of the
heart; you will acquire a monkish love of solitude; and your temper will
become soured towards your fellow-beings. You must therefore give to
visiting its proper place in the routine of Christian duty. That place
is just the one which it can occupy without encroaching upon more
important duties. It should be the Christian's _recreation_. Seasons of
relaxation from the more laborious duties of life are undoubtedly
necessary; and I know of nothing which can better answer this end than
the intelligent and pious conversation of Christian friends. Your
friends have claims upon your time and attention. But, these claims can
never extend so far as to encroach upon more important duties, or to
impair your ability to do good to yourself and others. As soon as you
discover a secret uneasiness, when out of company, or whenever you find
that the demands of the social circle have led you to neglect other
duties, it is time to diminish the number of your visits. But do not, on
such occasions, violate Christian sincerity, by inventing excuses to
satisfy your friends. Tell them plainly your reasons, and if they are
really what they profess to be, they will see the propriety of your
conduct, and be satisfied.
5. _Never go into company where the spirit and maxims of the world
predominate._ I know this will cut you off from a large portion of
society, yet, I believe it to be a rule founded upon the word of God. If
we would not be conformed to the world, we must not follow its maxims
nor partake of its spirit. I know it is often said we should go into
such society for the purpose of exerting a religious influence. But the
practical result is directly the contrary. The spirit which prevails in
such company is destructive of all religious feeling: it freezes up the
warm affections of the Christian's heart. The consequence is, he is
ashamed to acknowledge his Master, and avow his principles, where the
prevailing current is against him. He therefore moves along with it, to
the injury of his own soul, and the wounding of his Master's cause. His
worldly companions see no difference between his conduct and their own;
and conclude, either that all is right with themselves, or that he is a
hypocrite. Large parties, as a general rule, are unfriendly to the
health both of body and soul. The most profitable kind of social
intercourse is the informal meting of small circles, of which a
sufficient number are pious to give a direction and tone to
conversation.
6. _When in company, labor to give a profitable direction to
conversation._ If there are elder persons present, who introduce general
discourse of a profitable character, let your words be few. It is
generally better, in such cases, to learn in silence. When an
opportunity offers, however, for you to say anything that will add
interest to the conversation, do not fail to improve it. But let your
ideas be well conceived, and your words well chosen. "A word fitly
spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver." The interest of
conversation does not depend so much upon the multitude of words, as
upon the matter they contain, and their appropriateness to the subject.
But, when no other person introduces profitable conversation, take it
upon yourself. If you will study to be _skilful_ in the matter, you may
turn any conversation to good account. This was one of the peculiar
beauties of our Saviour's discourse. Whatever subject was introduced, he
invariably drew from it some important lesson. If you are on the alert,
you may always give a proper turn to conversation in this way. I do not
say that conversation should always be exclusively religious. But it
should be of a kind calculated to improve either the mind or heart, and
it should at all times partake of the savor of piety. "Let your speech
be always with grace, seasoned with salt." No proper opportunity,
however, should be lost, of making a direct religious impression. If the
solemn realities of divine things were always present to our minds, as
they ought to be, we should never be at a loss to speak of them in a
becoming manner. When you meet with persons who are living without hope,
lose no proper occasion to warn them of their danger, and show them the
sinfulness of their lives, and the guilt of rejecting the Saviour. But
this should be done as privately as possible. Speaking to them abruptly,
in the presence of company, often has a tendency to provoke opposition,
and harden them in sin. However, this caution is not always necessary.
If there is much tenderness of conscience, admonition will be well
received, even in the presence of others. Great care should be taken, on
both sides, that you neither injure them by your imprudence, nor neglect
your duty to their souls, through excessive carelessness. Study wisdom,
skilfulness, and discretion, in all things.
7. _Set your face against the discussion of the characters of those who
are absent._ This is a most pernicious practice, quite too prevalent at
the present day. I would have you avoid, as much as possible, speaking
even of the good qualities of those who are absent, for two reasons: 1.
I see no good likely to result from it; therefore it must be an
unprofitable method of spending time. 2. It leads us to speak also of
their faults, so as to give their whole characters; and this is evil
speaking. Never allow yourself to say anything to the disadvantage of
any person, unless your duty to others may require it. This, however,
will rarely happen; but it may sometimes be your duty to caution others
against being ensnared by one whose character you know to be bad. The
Scriptures condemn backbiting and evil speaking in the most pointed
terms. "Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil
of his brother, speaketh evil of the law." "Speak evil of no man." "Let
all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and _evil speaking_,
be put away from you." "Debates, envyings, wrath, strifes,
_backbitings_, _whisperings_, swellings, tumults." "_Whisperers_,
_backbiters_, haters of God, despiteful." Here we see how the Lord
regards this sin; for he has classed it with the exercise of the most
abominable passions of the human heart. Yet, how common is it for
professors of religion to speak freely, and without reserve, of the
characters of others, and even of their own brethren and sisters in the
church. This is a great sin, and it is productive of much evil in the
church and in society. It creates heart-burnings, jealousies, and
strife; and furnishes employment for _tale-bearers_, that most
despicable set of mischief-makers. But this sin is often committed
without saying anything directly against another. A sly insinuation is
often productive of more mischief than direct evil speaking. It leaves a
vague, but strong impression upon the mind of the hearer, against the
character of the person spoken of; and often creates a prejudice which
is never removed. This is most unjust and unfair, because it leaves the
character of the injured person resting under suspicion, without his
having an opportunity to remove it. This is probably what the apostle
means by _whisperers_. Solomon, also, speaking of the naughty person and
wicked man, says, "He _winketh with his eyes_, he _speaketh with his
feet_." "He that _winketh with the eye_ causeth shame." How often do we
see this winking and speaking by gestures and knowing looks, when the
characters of others are under discussion! Open and unreserved evil
speaking is unchristian; but this winking and speaking with the feet is
mean and dishonorable. Whenever you perceive a disposition to make
invidious remarks about others, refuse to join in the conversation, and
manifest your decided disapprobation. "The north wind driveth away rain;
so doth an angry countenance a backbiting tongue." Bear in mind the
words of the apostle James: "If any man among you seemeth to be
religious, and _bridleth not his tongue_, but deceiveth his own heart,
this man's religion is vain." So you see the habitual indulgence of this
sin will cut off the hope of the loudest professors.
8. _Avoid speaking of yourself._ When any person makes himself and his
own affairs the principal topics of conversation, he shows himself to be
supremely selfish, and ridiculously vain. It is also treating others
with great disrespect: as though one's self were of more consequence
than the whole company. Endeavor to keep yourself as much as possible
out of view, and to direct the thoughts and conversation of the company
away from personal affairs, to intellectual, moral and religious
subjects. But, when any of your friends make known their difficulties to
you, manifest an interest in their affairs, sympathize with them, and
render them all the assistance in your power.
9. _Never indulge a suspicious disposition._ Many persons destroy their
own peace, and gain the ill-will of others, by the exercise of this
unhappy temper. You have no right to think others dislike you, until
they have manifested their dislike. Accustom yourself to repose
confidence in your associates. It is better to be sometimes deceived,
than never to trust. And if you are always jealous of those around you,
be sure you will soon alienate their affections. In your intercourse
with others of your own age and sex, be willing always to advance at
least half way, and with those whose habits are very retiring, you may
even go farther. Many persons of sterling worth have so low an opinion
of themselves, as to doubt whether even their own equals wish to form an
acquaintance. "A man that hath friends must show himself friendly."
Always put the best construction upon the conduct of others. Do not
attach more meaning to their language and conduct than they properly
express. If at any time you really believe yourself slighted, take no
notice of it. Yet be careful never to intrude yourself into society
where you have good reason to believe your company is not desired.
10. _Be cautious in the formation of intimate friendships._ Christians
should always regard one another as friends. Yet peculiar circumstances,
together with congeniality of sentiment and feeling, may give rise to a
personal attachment much stronger than the common bond which unites all
Christians. Of this, we have a most beautiful example in the case of
David and Jonathan. This appears to be a perfect pattern of Christian
friendship. They both doubtless loved other pious people. But there was
existing between them a peculiar personal attachment. Their souls were
"_knit together_." Friendships of this kind should not be numerous, and
the objects of them should be well chosen. Long acquaintance is
necessary that you may be able to repose unlimited confidence in the
friend to whom you unbosom your whole heart. Form no such friendships
hastily. Think what would have been the consequence if David had been
deceived in this friend. He would most certainly have lost his life.
11. _Before going into company, visit your closet._ Pray that the Lord
would so direct your steps that you may do all things for his glory;
that he would enable you to spend the time profitably to yourself and
others; that he would keep you from evil speaking, levity, and foolish
jesting, and every impropriety; and that he would enable you to exert a
religious influence over those with whom you may meet. Be assured, if
you go out without observing this precaution, you will return with a
wounded soul.
Your affectionate Brother.