"What do you do for Christmas?" asked Robbie a day or two later. "It's
only a week tomorrow."
"What do you mean--_do_ for Christmas?"
"Why, people coming to stay, and a party perhaps. You know."
"What do you mean? The only party we ever had was on Aunt Jael's
seventieth birthday and that's in August."
"It must be different at your house from anywhere else. People have
a jolly sort of time, a lot of people in the house and that kind of
thing."
"There was something about it in Westward Ho! the book _he_ stole from
me and burned just before you came. It said something about 'happy
sports and mummers' plays,' and cakes and ale and some word like
flapdragons. It's what worldly people do, I suppose, and sinners, but
not us; I've never heard of it with the Saints."
Robbie was too wise to attack priggery-piety in the open. "I don't
know about all that. You do talk funnily; your Grandmother seems to be
different from other people. You _must_ know all the special things you
do at Christmas, all the special things you eat--"
"I don't. What are they?"
"Oh, roast goose and turkey and plum-pudding and mince pies. Then for
tea the big Christmas cake, crammed with raisins and covered with
almond paste and icing sugar with crystallized fruit on top and those
little green bits like candied peel--not really candied peel, it's some
name I forget, anyway it's nice. If you're a little boy you're allowed
to stay in the dining-room all the same and eat all the walnuts and
dates you want and drink a little port or madeira! What do _you_ have
for Christmas dinner?"
"Hash," I replied enviously, "and a roly-poly pudding with no jam, or
hardly any, for afterwards."
Incredulity seemed to struggle with pity in his mind.
"I'm sorry. It sounds so funny. I didn't know there were people like
that. The villagers are just the same. Mrs. Richards down at the
Blue Dragon makes the biggest Christmas cake I've ever seen, lovely
bluey-looking icing with preserved cherries in it, those big red ones,
and almond paste an inch thick. Everywhere it's the great day in the
year for feasting."
"Why?" I asked. "Why should Christmas Day be the great day for
feasting? It's the day Jesus was born; why should that make people
guzzle? A funny way of keeping His birthday, eating and drinking. I
know what it is, it's what the Papists do: eat all day. That's it,
it's Popish." My voice rose combatively in the good cause of plain and
Protestant living, hash and heaven.
Weakly or wisely, he skirted the theological issue. "Don't be silly.
Besides it's not only what you eat yourself. At Christmas time you
always give a lot away to the poor people. Uncle Vivian gives heaps of
logs and firewood and coal all round the village, and gives geese to
the tenants and heaps of other things; giving things away is a good
enough way of keeping Christmas, isn't it? There are presents. You get
presents, don't you?"
"Never."
Here I was wrong, for on Christmas morning a parcel came addressed to
Miss Mary Lee. It was the first I had ever received, except some new
winter underclothes Grandma had sent me from Tawborough, and I undid it
eagerly. Inside was a box of colours. I found from a little note inside
the cover of the box that Great-Uncle John had sent me this in addition
to his usual half-sovereign. This made me ponder. I had heard vaguely
of his half-sovereign at long intervals of time, but had never thought
of it in the light of a Christmas present. I had never seen or touched
it; it was "put by" or otherwise dimly dealt with by Grandmother and
Aunt Jael.
This box of colours was the finest thing I had yet possessed. No
doubt the art of mixing paint was then in its infancy, and this box
provided me with but a few of the simplest colours; no doubt a mere
half crown box of today is superior both in number of colours and
quality of paint. No doubt, but ignorance was bliss; no such odious
comparisons came to cloud my joy. I had never seen a paint box before
except through a shop window; and now I had one in my own hands and was
gloating with all the joy of proprietorship over the twelve little pans
before me and the high adventurous names with which each was labelled.
Gamboge, yellow-ochre; cobalt, Prussian blue; green-bice, Hooker's
green; carmine, crimson-lake; raw-sienna, burnt-sienna; sepia and ivory
black. There was also a mysterious little tube tucked away in a niche
at one end and labelled Chinese white, the contents of which oozed
out when pressed, like a white tape-worm. These names were a delight.
Carmine: the colour which Brother Quappleworthy painted his sins in
discourse. Crimson-lake: which called up a vision of a great sea of
Precious Blood with wave-crests of scarlet-foam.
Robbie had several presents: a box of soldiers, a picture book, some
sweetmeats and money.
"That's much less than usual," he said, not too kindly. "I expect
there's more waiting for me at Uncle Vivian's."
Albert was bare and giftless, for his half sovereign from Great-Uncle
John meant no more to him than to me, being instantly put (or not put)
into "the bank" by Uncle Simeon. He was naturally jealous, envied
Robbie's wealth and luck, cursed his father's meanness in giving him
nothing, reviled Uncle John for sending me the paint-box as well as
the half sovereign, and to himself no corresponding extra. All this
well distributed hostility he could vent on me alone. The means of his
vengeance should be my solitary ewe-lamb. He waited his opportunity.
Robbie went out to dinner, invited by some friends of his uncle's. So
Uncle Simeon brought a cane in to dinner, lodged it on the edge of the
table, and allowed me to taste it now and then. I espied neither goose
nor turkey, cakes nor ale, port nor madeira; though there was a much
better pudding than usual, a suet one made in a basin with sultanas
and citron peel which bore--alas!--an awful and edible likeness to the
genuine popish article. After dinner Aunt Martha, who said she had
a headache, retired to her bedroom to lie down, and later on Uncle
Simeon went out, his big Bible under one arm and his big umbrella under
the other, to expound the former to a bedridden old female Saint he
visited twice a week, a second cousin of Brother Atonement Gelder's.
Albert and I were left alone together in the dining-room. It was
perhaps not more than three o'clock, but it was a cold, dark day and
the room was already dusk. Uncle Simeon was hardly out of the house
before Albert came up to the table at which I was just settling down
to begin using my treasure, snatched the box away, dipped the biggest
brush into my cup of water and began roughly digging it into the pans
of colour. Then he splashed water over all the pans and made great
wasteful daubs on the palette.
"Don't, Albert," I pleaded, "please don't."
"I shall, I shall--ugh" (his usual grunt), "nothing will happen to
me if I do. It's no good your whining, I'm going to spoil it, out of
spite! because I want to! Try sneaking to father if you dare. Ha, ha, I
know what you told Robert Grove about father, nasty little sneaks and
liars both of you. Father's on my side now, so you won't get much by
going to him; and if you did I'd bang you afterwards."
He took up the cup and poured water into the box, smearing all the
colours together with the brush. The little brute was ruining my
treasure before my eyes. Appeal was useless, so I made a deft attempt
to snatch. For reply he struck me heavily with his fist over the ear. I
screamed out half in pain, half in rage, and made another snatch. This
time, throwing the box on to the ground, he struck me on the shoulder
with the full force of his fist and sent me flying. I fell down, half
stunned for a moment, when another voice broke into the room.
"You beast, you brute," I heard--and saw Robbie, back sooner than we
expected. He slammed the door behind him, went straight across the room
to Albert, and tried to seize his arm.
"Here, you leave me alone. She hit me first, when I wanted to use
her filthy paint box, and the mean cat said I shouldn't, and started
snatching and scratching so I had to push her away."
"Oh, you liar!" I cried.
"Then she banged her paint box on the floor in her rage, and came for
me again, then I punched her, and serve her right."
"'Tis all lies, lies, lies."
"Believe her, do you?" sneered Albert, lowering at Robbie, "she's a
nice one to believe. Do you know what her father did? I do; ugh, ugh,
she's a nice one like he was. Look here, just keep your hands off me."
Albert struck a first blow and the two boys were soon fighting like
savages. My head was still aching from the two blows that Albert had
given me; I forgot them and everything else in the excitement of the
struggle. Blows on head, face and shoulders were exchanged. With every
stout one Albert received I exulted; every one of Albert's that hurt
Robbie hurt me too. Albert was sturdy and strong and even broader than
Robbie; on the whole he was getting the best of it; I felt sick and
apprehensive. I prayed fervently to God for Robbie to win, promising
lordly penances and impossible virtues in return. I would give all my
life and health to comforting the heathen if Robbie might win. I would
be burnt or eaten alive--if Robbie might win. I employed all the magic
I knew, and counted frenzied thirty-sevens between each blow--for luck
to Robbie. Prayer is not always answered by return, and Albert's right
fist now landed a heavy blow on Robbie's left ear, which nearly felled
him; he tottered and paled. So did I as I resolved to intervene. I
would fight till I fainted--to prevent Robbie being beaten. I clenched
my teeth and hovered awkwardly nearer, wondering how to get in my first
blow (or scratch)--when Robbie recovered suddenly and crashed with his
fist between Albert's eyes. Now it was the latter's turn to stagger. My
spirits rose. Now Albert picked himself up again. Both were battered.
Robbie had a bleeding ear (to match my own), Albert a black eye and
broken nose. The fight went on. Robbie began to get the upper hand; I
could see the loser's look on Albert's face. "Robbie will win! Robbie
will win!" said Instinct exulting. I thought for a moment of that tame
fixture, Susan Durgles versus Seth Baker, when my main emotion was mere
pity for Seth: water to the wine of joy now coursing through my veins
as I watched Robbie pound Albert more victoriously every moment. Albert
was now desperate, came closer, tried to grip Robbie and push him to
the ground. For a moment prize fight turned to wrestling bout.
The harmony of a choir, singing carols on the Quay outside, fell
suddenly on our ears. It may have been the Parish Church choir, or a
glee party from the Wesleyan Chapel: sinners, in any case, as Miss
Glory would have said. They were singing a carol with a friendly
wave-like tune, merry, yet sad too, as Christmas songs should be: _It
came upon the midnight clear_--though I did not know the words. The
tune revived the fighting. The boys got free from each other's grip;
blows were resumed. The end came at last with a swift, terrific stroke
on Albert's shoulder, which knocked him flat. In a second Robbie was
kneeling on his body and had pinioned his arms. The victim scowled, the
victor showed modest pride, the spectator exulted like a savage.
"There now," said Robbie, "that's what you get for striking a girl.
Worse another time. Say you're sorry you hit Mary. Say you were a
brute."
Albert scowled, growled, made efforts to get free, failed.
"No good, you'll stay here till you say it; 'I'm sorry I hit Mary and I
was a brute.'"
Albert wriggled again, perceived that all endeavours would
be fruitless, and surrendered. "Well, then, you great bully.
Sorry--hit--Mary--and--was--brute. There you are, now let me go."
"Not until you've made one more promise, 'I'll never hit Mary again.'"
For some reason Albert obeyed with alacrity this time. "I'll never
strike Mary again."
Robbie released him, and walked towards the door saying shyly to me:
"Come to my bedroom, and help bathe my face; it's awful."
I followed him upstairs. Just as we reached the landing Albert came out
and shouted. "Ugh, you nasty beasts. I promised I'd never strike Mary
again and I won't--never want to see her ugly face again--but I'll see
that father does all right. This very night too, as soon as ever he
comes in. He'll make you cringe and bleed; he'll make the flesh fly.
You too, you bully, you overdressed flashy big--"
We went into Robbie's bedroom and stopped to hear no more.
"It's not much good," said Robbie, smiling mournfully, as he washed the
blood from his ears and face, "because I shall get hurt much more when
Mr. Greeber comes in. That beast downstairs is sure to set him on. I
think he would dare to flog me this time, because he'd be able to say
to Uncle Vivian that I'd half killed Albert."
"Yes, he'd say 'one felt it one's painful duty after young Master
Robert's brutal attack on one's own dear son,' and that you had really
hurt Albert. Which you have," I concluded with satisfaction.
"Still, it'll be nothing to what he'll do to _you_ if he gets you
alone; so you must get away the same day as me; or sooner would be
best."
"No, sooner wouldn't do, because then he'd flog _you_ worse; he'd be
sure to know you'd helped me get away."
"Yes, my first plan is best; while they're at the station seeing me off
you must run away to Tawborough or take the coach, because we've enough
money for that now. Here's the half-sovereign, my present, you know;
the half-crown mightn't be enough and I've nothing in between--"
The door, opening softly, cut him short. Uncle Simeon, very pale and
slimy and cat-like--himself at his worst--was followed by Albert, also
at his worst, with an ugly black eye and an uglier leer.
"No, father," he whined, "not one; both. Flog 'em both, father, both of
'em."
Albert's disappointed whine seemed to mean that his father might not
dare to touch Robbie. I was glad for Robbie's sake; what my own fate
would be I hardly dared to think. I shrank from him into the seat of
the window sill. He took a long coil of cord out of his pocket, and
came towards--not me--but Robbie. What, would you dare? Was Robbie,
after all, the victim, and I, if only for the moment, the one to
escape? I must do myself the justice of noting that for once in my life
at any rate I was sorry to bear the easier part: I would gladly have
chosen to take the beating for Robbie, would bravely have played the
Royal Prince's whipping-girl. He bound Robbie with the cord hand and
foot to the bedpost, his own bedpost of course; for it all took place
in his bedroom, where Uncle Simeon had surprised us. Uncle Simeon went
out of the room for a moment, leaving Albert to watch us.
There was two minutes absolute silence. The three children looked at
each other. We waited.
He came back, in his right hand the long heralded whip; a kind of
cat-o'-nine-tails for domestic use, with five tails only instead of
nine; these were made of cord, with three knots each at intervals, and
were fastened to a piece of thick rope, which Uncle Simeon wielded. An
evil-looking thing.
Robbie did not wince. He would not while I was by. But I lost all
control of myself, and, for the first time, burst out openly against
Uncle Simeon. I flew up to him, and with fierce feebleness clutched his
wrist.
"Don't you dare touch him," I cried, in a treble shriek. "I dare you to
whip him. You cruel, horrible man."
"Cruel horrible man," he sneered. "Bah! A fine one you are to call one
that; you, your father's daughter every inch of you. Cruel horrible
man, forsooth!--Go and call _him_ that, your own dear, kind, loving
father who drove your dear mother into an early grave and mocked her
when she was lying there; a heartless whoremongering beast who spent
all the time he spared from stews and brothels in hounding her to death
with his cruelties; unfit to untie the shoe of a humble Christian like
oneself, frail and sinful though one doubtless is. You're like him,
body and soul. Come, loose hold!"
The vile words stung me for a moment, but when he wrenched my hand
from his wrist, scratching at it savagely with his nails, I cried with
redoubled fury: "Don't you dare to whip him, don't you dare."
"Whip him? Whip him?" he purred with bland enquiry, "Who can be meant
by 'him'? Not Master Robert surely? One would not dream of punishing
one whose only sin is to be led into evil paths by another. One must
tie him up, to be sure, lest he should be led into the evil path of
interfering with a certain little duty one owes to one's Lord, one's
little son, and one's own poor self. Quick, off with your blouse and
skirt!"
He gnashed his teeth. Even at that moment it fascinated me to watch
how curiously the muscles under his cheek twitched when he was on
cruelty bent. There must be a cruelty muscle.
I stood before him in vest and petticoat, pale and limp with fright,
a pitiable, cowering object: the sort of rabbit the serpent loves.
I had felt and seen hard blows that same day; now too Aunt Jael's
masterpieces flitted in dour procession through my mind: the rope end,
the day I sucked the acid drops, the three blows of the thorned stick
after Robinson Crewjoe, the great flogging with the butt end of her
stick when I said that Proverbs was the nastiest book in the Bible.
These were as nothing to what was coming now. I lifted my eyes and for
one second looked into his. I shall never again, please God, see a look
so cruel, so craven, so cad-like. There was spite in it, and hate, and
fear. Yet his fear was as nothing to mine.
Whip in hand he came towards me to catch hold. There could be no hope.
Aunt Martha was not to be seen; in any case what could she have done?
Albert was kneeling hopefully on the bed, Robbie's bed, to get a better
view of the sport. Robbie was bound hand and foot, looking hate at
Uncle Simeon; wretchedness, sympathy and encouragement at me. His lips
were tight together so that he should not cry. Here was Simeon Greeber
approaching me. He looked like the devil; the idea seized me, he _was_
the devil, the Personal Devil himself; now I knew. But here lay hope:
through the devil's enemy, the Lord God Almighty. Moved by an insane
impulse, I went down on my knees on the bare floor.
"Oh, God," I cried, "save me from him, now, somehow! Save me, and if it
be Thy will, strike him dead!"
I was cut rudely short. He clutched my shoulder, his claw striking cold
and damp through my vest, and pulled me roughly to my feet.
"My Lord, my Lord, how she blasphemes! One will avenge it, Lord, one
will avenge." He dragged me into the middle of the room.
In that moment a strange thing happened. The sudden sweetness of an
old Christmas hymn smote our ears. It was the carollers again: they
must have moved up the Quay, for now they were singing just outside the
house:
Hark the herald angels si-ing
Glory to the new-born King--
For an instant he was unnerved, but for an instant only, and with
Peace on earth and mercy mi-ild
the first stroke of the whip fell across my back.
The memory comes back to me in nightmare. I see the honey-yellow face
ghastly against the growing darkness of the room. I see the coarse
little brute gloating on the bed. I see the young prisoner at the
bed-post flushed with rage and pity, biting his lips manfully. I
hear the voices of the singers out on the Quay mocking me with merry
Christmas hymns. To this day I can never hear the opening notes of The
Herald Angels without starting back, and living over again for a moment
all the horror. For all my fear and bodily agony, I would not cry out.
I would not give Robbie the pain nor Uncle Simeon the pleasure. The
whip tore my legs and body and back. I bled all over. He thrashed me
till I was faint with pain; till he could thrash no longer. Then he
kicked me and I fell half-dazed to the ground, where as a final tribute
from his humble if Christian person he spat in my face. As I lay I
heard vaguely the singers outside. The voices now seemed dreamlike and
far-away in their last triumphant unison:
Mild he lays His glory by-y,
Born that man no more may di-ie,
Born to raise the sons of earth,
Born to-o give them second birth.
Hark, the Herald Angels sing,
Glory-y to the new-born-king!
In the following silence I heard his voice, far away too it seemed.
"Yes, you'd better go at once; dear Mr. Vivian Fortescue would not have
you stay another day to be so corrupted."
I felt another kick. "Come, up with you now to bed."
I rose painfully, but was too weak to stand, and tumbled. Albert
guffawed. At last I got up and crept to the door.
"Good night," he smiled. "Bid us good night, if you please. Let there
be no malice, no evil rage in your heart, for this little _foretaste_
of correction. Let there be no evil spirit of revenge. One harbours
none oneself. One forgives, forgives freely. Later on when Master
Robert is gone away one may _begin_ to think of the just punishment
that is due. One must not shrink, grievously though it pains one. It
is the Lord's will, and His will be done. One forgives you, my child,
forgives you freely, despite all the wickedness and trouble you have
brought into the house. One forgives, yet one must punish."
I crawled upstairs to my bedroom. I had only my vest to take off--or
tear off, for it was stuck to me with blood. When I was naked I looked
at myself by the candle-light in the long wardrobe mirror. My white
breastless little body was covered with blood and dark strokes and
great weals. I bathed the worst places with the ice-cold water in my
basin and then rubbed in plenty of the mixed whitening with which
Grandmother had supplied me. It relieved me a little, and I got into
bed.
Soon the door opened. My heart beat fast. It was only Aunt Martha,
bringing my Christmas supper. Not flap-dragons, nor raisins nor almond
paste; just a small basin of mutton gruel.
"I'm sorry you've been so naughty, child, and have had to be corrected."
She produced two apples craftily from her pocket, put them on the
bedside pedestal with the gruel, and went out. I did not touch them. I
was too sick and wretched to eat.
Nor could I sleep. The long night began; pain, hate and wretchedness
possessed me, first one more than another, and each in turn. My rough
woollen nightgown chafed my sores; the bed, which was never a soft
one, hurt me everywhere. My whole body smarted and ached. Why had I to
suffer such pain? Why was I starved and bullied and abused and beaten
and half-killed? Why had a man, professing to be one of the Lord's own
people, the right to flog me so? Oh, the tyrant, I could only hear
to think of him by picturing to myself a glorious day when my turn
would come, when I would cat-o'-nine-tail him till he fainted and bang
his face against a stone wall till his pale features were one red
indistinguishable mush. Hate, hate, a bitter ointment, had eased my
pain; hate for him, hate for the world, and by silly bitter moments the
Devil's temptation to hate God. From hate for the tyrant I came to pity
for the victim, which was self-pity, so sweet a misery that it drove
away all other trouble. I was the wretchedest of all God's creatures,
the wretchedest being since Creation. For me all things were unjust.
Robbie and Albert were never treated as I was; in this alone were they
alike, and all children save me alike. Every little child I saw in the
street was happy, free, well-treated. Every one else had brothers and
sisters, and friends--and a mother.
The old new bitterness returned; why had my mother been taken away? She
would have protected me and cherished me. I tried to think more clearly
than ever before what she would have looked like if still alive; like
Grandmother, I fancied, with the same kind gentle face, but taller and
younger and warmer. I should have nestled to her bosom, she would have
taken me in her arms. I should have comforted her. She would have loved
me. The agony of the thought was torture. I needed her to madness. I
could lie down no longer. I knelt up in bed and my soul cried out for
her. Involuntarily my voice was crying too, "Mother, mother!"
I uttered the words without knowing, as it were, that I spoke; they
were wrung from me without my consent; it was my soul not my mind which
spoke. And I knew this time that the prayer would be answered; I had
the sure supernatural instinct that my mother was coming to me. She
had been mouldering in Tawborough graveyard for ten years now, yet
I knew she was coming. I did not call again, but waited in intense
expectation. I clasped my hands in an agony of hope.
She came. Right up to the bedside she moved in a white robe. She spoke.
Her voice seemed nearer to me than if it had been at the bedside;
inside me, in my very soul. Mother was with me, in me, around me.
"I am here, Mary, I love you. You want to know that I love you, and I
have come to show you that I do."
The darkness was made radiant by the white figure before me. I was
bathed in a new presence, and I knew that it was love. I was still
kneeling on the bed and my face was on a level with my mother's. I
bent forward to fulfil my supreme need; I went nearer, my arms were
closing round her--and she was gone.
My arms closed round empty space. I came back to reality. I was
kneeling on the cold bed. And she was gone. The feeling of her presence
faded away; the sense of love and comfort was abiding. It abides with
me still. I was sad, forlorn, but happy to think she had gone back
to heaven, and that she loved me enough to come ten million miles to
comfort me. She had shown me the truth of the resurrection, of the
immortality of the soul; and something far greater, the truth of love.
Hate, pain and weariness were forgotten in the joy of my mother's love,
I nestled in it, sheltered in it, clasped it to me, and soon it was
wooing me to sleep.
Then--a soft tread in the room--and I was wide awake in a flash. The
moon did not light the corner of the room by the door, but I seemed to
see a white figure standing there. Was it my angel mother again?
"Mother," I cried faintly. I did not feel the divine sureness of her
presence I had known before. It could not be. Yet I heard the soft
tread again. The white form moved nearer.
Uncle Simeon! Pity, pity, he had come to flog me naked, torture me in
the darkness, rub salt into my wounds as he had threatened; to kill me.
I hid my face under the bedclothes in terror, then withdrew as quickly
for fear he would stifle me beneath them. His ghostlike figure was
still there. "Mother--God--Jesus!"
"Mary, don't be frightened."
It was Robbie.
Reaction from fear was so strong and overwhelming that for a moment I
could not think. The first words I could speak were prompted by the
fear that had fled, just as the life that has gone enables a tiger
still to spring, though shot through the heart a second before.
"Hush, hush," I whispered. "Don't make a sound. What is it? Why are you
here? Think, if he found us! Oh, you frightened me. First, I thought it
was Mother, then that it was _him_."
"Mother?" said Robbie. "Are you dreaming, Mary? Are you awake properly?
I've got bare feet, and he can't hear whispering. Besides he's
snoring. I listened outside his door and it's nearly midnight."
"Why have you come?"
"To tell you I'm going away either tomorrow or the day after. He has
written to Uncle Vivian's housekeeper, Mrs. Venn, telling her to expect
me back straight away; and he has forbidden me to try to see you before
I go; dared me to.... This is our only chance, Mary. I overheard him
saying that tomorrow morning very early, before breakfast, he's going
to lock you in the attic and keep you locked there till after I'm gone
away. Well--I came to tell you that--and--to say good-bye." He paused
and took courage. "And to tell you that when I'm a man I've made up my
mind to come back and beat him till he bleeds as he has made you bleed."
He stopped and waited. I knew what he was waiting for. I trembled,
shook like an aspen leaf; my heart, soul, brain, were all aflood with
what he longed for me to say.
"Why don't you come nearer?" huskily. He came a little nearer and
waited again, pretending, for all the world like a grown human being,
that he did not see the invitation he longed for.
"You are cold," I said (truth ready to my hand for use). "Come and lie
under the coverlet." The first word over, it was easier.
"It must be hurting you horribly," he said. He stood by the bedside in
a last moment of hesitation.
"_Come_," I repeated. He climbed on the bed beside me. "Yes, it hurts
badly. Robbie, come nearer."
Then he put his arms round me; I was half out of the bedclothes; but we
were warm together under the coverlet. His curly head touched mine, his
soft boyish cheek gently rubbed against my own. This was what he had
come to do. This was what I had waited to know.
Here was love again. It was true. It was sweet beyond belief.
That is many years ago. Since then I have known many glorious things. I
say still that this moment, when he placed his boyish arms around me,
was the holiest and happiest of my life.
I was crying new tears, not of hate nor misery, but joy. Love opens
the floodgates; and I was surrounded with love, bathed in it; love in
heaven and love on earth; angel mother and human boy. The two little
night-gowned bodies lay close together, the two children's hearts beat.
In one there was affectionate pity, in the other a wild joy; in both
the high happiness of love. This is a joy so pure, that when older we
can never know it again. We kissed each other again and again; eagerly,
tenderly, wildly. The pent-up passion of my bitter heart poured forth;
I strained him tenderly in my arms, he strained me in his. We were
happy, far too happy to speak. His eyes were bright and tender, his
dear face transfigured. We forgot everything, except that we loved each
other.
The church clock sounded midnight.
Robbie broke the silence nervously. "I must go--soon. We shall have
to say good-bye, shan't we? It mayn't be safe much longer. Don't
forget you must escape from the attic somehow; break the door open or
anything. Find out from Mrs. Greeber exactly when I'm going. I thought
of your going tonight when I was still here to help you, but you can't;
he has bolted all the doors and locked them and taken away the keys. He
knew we might try. Oh, how I'll flog him when I grow up."
"He'll be old then, and yellower and wrinkled instead of smooth."
"I don't care. I'll flog him all the same.... Get a screw-driver or
something and hide it when you are up in the attic. Then when we're at
the station you must break the lock and fly. I'll leave the money under
your bedroom carpet in the corner next to the door, let's say four
inches in--"
There was a sound; Robbie started up. "Oh, that's only the floor
creaking. Still, it's late."
"Don't go, Robbie."
"You know I don't want to, but I'll have to. When I'm older I'm not
going to forget. We mayn't meet for years and years, but we shall see
each other again somewhere, I know we shall. We must try to remember
each other ever so clearly. Isn't there anything we can do to make it
seem we're near together when we're really far apart?"
"I know. Every year exactly at this minute, a few minutes after
midnight on Christmas night, we'll think hard of each other, shut our
eyes, clench our fists, and think terribly hard. Then it will seem that
we're really right by each other; you'll believe I'm in the room with
you, and I'll believe you are. I shall wait till just after midnight,
then try to think of nothing else in all the world but you. I shall
think of you now as you are this minute--kiss me, it will be better to
remember by--yes, hard, like that--and then I'll pray 'God, oh God,
make Robbie be with me.' He will help it to happen. People who are away
from you can be with you like that, even dead people. My mother came
tonight. I saw her and she spoke to me. I called out knowing she would
come, and she came. You will too. But you must believe with all your
heart that it's going to happen; then it will. I shall think you are
with me; then you will be. Of course I shall think of you other times,
every day I expect, and always when I'm not happy, but only Christmas
night in this special way. It's too special to do often. Will you too?
Remember, every Christmas night, just after midnight, when you're lying
in bed, however far away you are, and every year, always, think with
all your soul of me and of our being together just as we are tonight.
Then we shall be together again really, so that we shall always know
one another whatever happens; always love each other, always be able to
kiss. Promise, will you try?"
"Yes, Mary," he whispered.
For another few minutes we lay quietly in each other's arms. We were
together that night perhaps one hour in all; an hour in which my whole
soul changed. At last he had to go. Though he only whispered, I could
hear that the whisper was husky. His little body trembled in my arms.
"Good-night, Mary."
"Oh, my dear, my dear, my dear." I hugged him harder than ever to me. I
would not let him go.
Then the good-bye kiss, sweetest of all, too sad for tears. His soft
boy's lips brushed mine; it seemed too that they touched the tendrils
of my heart and made it blossom like the garden of lilies you read of
in Solomon's Song. A spirit of loveliness filled me. He got up; now it
was last good-bye. I saw his face for a moment in the beam of moonlight
that came slantwise through my window. For many years that vision was
the chief treasure I had: a little boy in a long white nightgown,
a head of tousled curls, a bright face flushed with joy and tears,
radiant with my embrace, radiant with love for me.
"Good-night, Mary, good-night. I'll never forget you; I'll always love
you."
"Good-night, Robbie."