_Hallo! Hallo! Hallo! Polly-olly-wolly! Scratch a poll!_ It isn't that
I shout the loudest, though I fancy I _could_ keep my end up in the
monkey-house if it came to that. Many a parrot wastes all his energy
in wind. It's brains, not lungs, that make a full crop. Extend your
vocabulary. Another thing--don't make yourself too cheap. The parrot
that always gives his show free lives the whole of his life on official
rations--and nothing else. _Half-a-pint o' mild-an'-bitter! Pom! Pom!_
I'm the oldest inhabitant, and I've the biggest waist measurement for
my height in Regent's Park. That's my reward. I'll admit I've a bad
memory; most parrots have, except the one that used to sing "Rule
Britannia" and knew the name of every keeper in the Zoo--and _he_ went
into hospital with something-on-the-brain. But _I_'ve moved with the
times. There aren't many catch-phrases I haven't caught. "Walker,"
"Who's Griffiths?" and drawing corks in the old "Champagne Charlie"
days; and "You're another," "Get your hair cut," "Does your mother know
you're out?" "My word, if I catch you bending!" "After you with the
cruet." But I've a bad memory. _Have a banana? I don't think!..._
I'm never quite sure of myself, and so just have to say what comes
uppermost. _Shun! Stanterteeze! Form-forz, you two! Half-a-pint o'...._
I've found it doesn't do to repeat _everything_ the sergeant says.
We had a Naval parrot once.... Why, take for instance that young man
with his greasy feathers brushed back like a parrakeet's. He looked
good for a few grapes any day, but when, just to encourage him, I
chortled, "KITCHENER wants yer!" he frowned and walked away. I
did good business later, though. Pulled up a bunch of Khaki people by
just shouting "'Alt!" I admired their taste in oranges. _Down with the
KAISER!_ By the way, I've shouted "Down with" almost everybody
in my time. _Johnny, get your gun; Goobye, Tipperlairlee._
But the best is "_Veeve la Fronce_." Last week one of those foreign
officers heard me "veeving" softly to myself. In half a minute he'd
collected a dozen of his friends and relatives, and I could see more
coming in the distance. The excitement! My tail! "Marie! Alphonse!" he
shouted. "_Regarday dong ce brave wozzo!_" They gave me butterscotch;
they gave me muscatels; they gave me a meringue, and lots of little
sweet biscuits (I don't take monkey-nuts these days, thank you!) and
they all talked at once. Then a lovely creature with a cockatoo's crest
on her head bent forward and coaxed me in a voice like ripe bananas.
And there was I sitting like a fool, my mouth crammed and my mind a
blank! The crowd was growing every minute. The cockatoo girl ran to the
kiosk and bought me French nougat; I ate it. Then I made a desperate
effort--"Has anybody here seen Kelly?"
Bless the camel-keeper! At that very moment I heard him ringing the
"all-out" bell.
* * * * *
_The Times_ says that the _Blücher_ was the reply of the German
Admiralty to the first British _Dreadnought_.
Admiral Sir DAVID BEATTY begs to state that he has forwarded
this reply to the proper quarter.
* * * * *
We have pleasure in culling the following extract from the account of a
wedding, as set forth in _The Silver Leaf_ (published at Somerset West,
Cape Province):--
"Whilst the register was being signed, Mme. Wortley, of Cape Town,
sang 'Entreat me not to leave thee' with great feeling."
It seems perhaps a little early to discuss the question of marital
separation.
* * * * *
[Illustration: HOW TO KEEP FIT. FOR REALLY BUSY MEN.