RHODA TO DOLLY.
Make denials,
Increase your services: so seem as if
You were inspired to do those duties which
You tender to her....
--Cymbeline.
Dolly heard the luncheon-bell ringing as she walked slowly homewards. It
seemed to her as if she had been hearing a story which had been told her
before, with words that she remembered now, though she had listened once
without attaching any meaning to them. Now she seemed to awake and
understand it all--a hundred little things, unnoticed at the time,
crowded back into her mind and seemed to lead up to this moment. Dolly
suddenly remembered Rhoda's odd knowledge of George's doings, her
blushes, his constant comings of late: she remembered everything, even
to the gloves lying by the piano. The girl was bitterly hurt, wounded,
impatient. Love had never entered into her calculations, except as a
joke or a far-away impossibility. It was no such very terrible secret
after all that a young man and a young woman should have taken a fancy
to each other; but Dolly, whose faults were the faults of inexperience
and youthful dominion and confidence, blamed passionately as she would
have sympathised. Then in a breath she blamed herself.
How often it happens that people meaning well, as Dolly did, undoubtedly
slide into some wrong groove from the overbalance of some one or other
quality. Dolly cared too much and not too little, and that was what made
her so harsh to George, and then, as if to atone for her harshness, too
yielding to his wish--to Rhoda's wish working by so powerful a lever.
Lady Sarah came home late for luncheon, and went up to her room soon
after. Dolly gave Frank Raban's message. She herself stopped at home all
day expecting George, but no George came, not even Rhoda, whom she both
longed and hated to see again. Every one seemed changed to Dolly; she
felt as if she was wandering lost in the familiar rooms, as if George
and her aunt and Rhoda were all different people since the morning.
'Why are you looking at me, child?' said Lady Sarah, suddenly. Dolly had
been wistfully scanning the familiar lines of the well-known face; there
was now a secret between them, thought the girl.
Mr. Raban came in the afternoon, as he had announced, and Dolly, going
into the oak room, found him there, standing in the shadow, with a
bundle of papers under his arm, and looking more like a lawyer's clerk
than a friend who had been working hard in their service.
Dolly was leaving the room again, when her aunt called her back for a
minute.
'Did George tell you anything of his difficulties the last time he was
in town?' Lady Sarah asked from her chimney-corner. 'When was it you saw
him, Dolly?' She was nervously tying some papers together that slipped
out of her hands and fell upon the floor.
Poor Dolly turned away. There was a minute's silence.
Dolly flushed crimson. 'I--I don't--I can't tell you,' she said,
confusedly.
She saw Frank Raban's look of surprise as she turned. What did she care
what he thought of her? What was it to him if she chose to tell a lie
and he guessed it? Oh. George! cruel boy! what had he asked?
Frank Raban wondered at Dolly's silence. Since she wished to keep a
secret, he did not choose to interfere; but he blamed her for that, as
for most other things; and yet the more he blamed her the more her face
haunted him. Those girl's eyes, with their great lights and clouds; that
sweet face, that looked so stern and yet so tender too. When he was away
from her he loved her; when he was with her he accused her.
It was a long, endless day. Miss Moineaux was welcome at tea-time, with
her flannel bindings and fluttering gossip.
It seemed like a little bit of common-place, familiar everyday coming
in. Dolly went to the door with her when she left them, and saw black
trees swaying, winds chasing across the dreary sky, light clouds sailing
by. The winds rose that night, beating about the house. A chimney-pot
fell crashing to the ground; elm-branches broke off from the trees and
were scattered along the parks. Dolly, in her little room, lay listening
to the sobs and moans without, to the fierce hands beating and
struggling with her window. She fell into a sleep, in which it seemed to
her that she was railing and raving at George again: she awoke with a
start to find that it was the wind. She dreamt the history of the day
over and over. She dreamt of Raban, and somehow he always looked at her
reproachfully. She awoke very early in the morning, long before it was
time to get up, with penitent, loving words on her lips. Had she been
harsh to George? Jealous--was she jealous? Dolly scorned to be jealous,
she told herself. It was her hatred of wrong, her sense of justice, that
had made her heart so bitter. Poor Dolly had yet to discover how far she
fell short of her own ideal. My poor little heroine was as yet on the
eve of her long and lonely expedition in life. There might be arid
places waiting for her, dreary passes, but there were also cool waters
and green pastures along the road. Nor had she yet journeyed from their
shade, and from the sound of her companions' voices and the shelter of
their protection.
* * * * *
This was Rhoda's explanation. She was standing before Dolly, looking
prettier than ever. She held a flower in her hand, which she had offered
her friend, who silently rejected it. Rhoda had looked for Dolly in vain
in the house. She found her at last, disconsolately throwing crumbs to
the fishes in the pond. Dolly stood sulky and miserable, scarcely
looking up when Rhoda spoke. They were safe in the garden out of reach
of the quiet old guardians of the house. Rhoda began at once.
'He urged it,' said Rhoda, fixing her great dark eyes steadily upon
Dolly, 'indeed he did. I said no at first; I would not even let him be
bound. One day I was weak and consented to be engaged. I sinned against
my own conscience; I am chastised.'
'Sinned?' said Dolly, impatiently; 'chastised? Rhoda, Rhoda, you use
long words that mean nothing. Oh! why did you not tell Aunt Sarah from
the beginning? She loves George so dearly--so dearly that she would have
done anything, consented to everything, and this wretchedness would have
been spared. How shall I tell her? How shall I ever tell her? I can't
keep such a secret. Already I have had to tell a lie.'
'I could not bear to be the means of injuring him,' Rhoda said, flushing
up. 'I daresay you won't understand me or believe me, but it is true.
Indeed, indeed, it is true, Dolly. Lady Sarah would never forgive him
now if he were to marry me. She does not like me. Dolly, you know it. I
have been culpably foolish; but I will not damage his future.'
'Of course it is foolish to be engaged,' said Dolly; 'but there are
worse things, Rhoda, a thousand times.'
'Yes,' said Rhoda. 'Dolly, you don't know half. He has been
gambling--dear, foolish boy--borrowing money from the Jews. Uncle John
heard of it through a pupil of his. He wrote to Mr. Raban. Oh, Dolly, I
love him so dearly, that it breaks my heart. How can I trust him? How
can I? Oh, how difficult it is to be good, and to know what one should
do.'
Rhoda flung herself down upon the wooden bench as she spoke, leaning her
head against the low brick wall, with its ivy sprays. Dolly stood beside
her, erect, indignant, half softened by the girl's passion, and half
hardened when she thought of the deception that she had kept up. Beyond
the low ivy wall was the lane of which I have spoken, where some people
were strolling; overhead the sky was burning deep, the afternoon shadows
came trembling and shimmering into the pond. Lady Sarah had had a screen
of creepers put up to shelter her favourite seat from the winds; the
great leaves were still hanging to the trellis, gold and brown.
'If I thought only of myself should I not have told everybody?' said
Rhoda, excitedly, and she clasped her hands; 'but I feel there is a
higher duty to him. I will be his good angel and urge him to work. I
will leave him if I stand in his way, and keep to him if it is for good.
Do you think I want to be a cause of trouble between him and Lady Sarah?
She might disinherit him. It is you she cares for, and not poor George;
I heard Mr. Raban say so only yesterday,' cried Rhoda, in a sudden burst
of tears. 'He told me so.'
Dolly waited for a moment, and then slowly turned away, leaving Rhoda
still sobbing against the bricks. She couldn't forgive her at that
instant; her heart was bitter against her. What had she done to deserve
such taunts? Why had Rhoda come making dissension and unhappiness
between them? It was hard, oh, it was hard. There came a jangling burst
of music from the church bells, as if to add to her bewilderment.
'Dear Rhoda,' said Dolly, coming back, and melting suddenly, 'do listen
to me. Tell them all. I cannot see one reason against it.'
'Except that we are no longer engaged,' said Rhoda, gravely. 'I have set
him free, Dolly; that is what I wanted to tell you. I wrote to him, and
set him free; for anything underhand is as painful to me as to you. It
was only to please George I consented. Hush! They are calling me.'
Engaged or not, poor Dorothea felt that all pleasure in her friend's
company was gone; there was a tacit jar between them--a little rift.
Dolly for the first time watched Rhoda with critical eyes, as she walked
away down the path that led to the house, fresh and trim in her pretty
dress, and her black silk mantlet, and with her flower in her hand.
Dolly did not follow her. She thought over every single little bit of
her life after Rhoda had left her, as she sat there alone, curled up on
the wooden seat, with her limp violet dress in crumpled folds, and her
brown hair falling loose, with pretty little twirls and wavings. Her
grey eyes were somewhat sad and dim from the day's emotion. No, she must
not tell her aunt what had happened until she had George's leave. She
would see him soon; she would beg his pardon; she would _make_ him tell
Aunt Sarah. She had been too hasty. She had spoken harshly, only it was
difficult not to be harsh to Rhoda, who was so cold--who seemed as if
she would not understand. All she said sounded so good, and yet,
somehow, it did not come right. Then she began to wonder if it could be
that Rhoda loved George more than Dolly imagined. Some new glimmer had
come to the girl of late--not of what love was, but of what it might be.
Only Dolly was fresh and prim and shy, as girls are, and she put the
thought far away from her. Love! Love was up in the stars, she thought
hastily. All the same she could not bring herself to feel cordially to
Rhoda. There was something miserably uncomfortable in the new relations
between them; and Dolly showed it in her manner plainly enough.
Lady Sarah told Dolly that afternoon that she had written to George to
come up at the end of the week. 'He has had no pity on us, Dolly,' she
said. 'I have some money that a friend paid back, and with that and the
price of a field at Bartlemere, I shall be able to pay for his pastimes
during the last year.
'Aunt Sarah,' said Dolly suddenly illuminated, 'can't you take some of
my money; do, please, dearest Aunt Sarah.'
'What would be the use of that?' said Lady Sarah. 'I want the interest
for your expenses, Dolly.' She spoke quite sharply, as if in pain, and
she put her hand to her side and went away. If Lady Sarah had not been
ill herself and preoccupied, she might have felt that something also
ailed Dolly, that the girl was constrained at times, and unlike herself.
Dolly only wondered that her aunt did not guess what was passing before
her, so patent did it seem, now that she had the key.
One day Marker persuaded her mistress to go to a doctor. Lady Sarah came
back with one of those impossible prescriptions that people give. Avoid
all anxiety; do not trouble yourself about anything; live generously;
distract yourself when you can do so without fatigue.
Lady Sarah came home to find a Cambridge letter on the table, containing
some old bills of George's, which a tradesman had sent on to her; a
fresh call from the unlucky bank in which Mr. Francis had invested so
much of her money: an appeal from Mikey's fever-stricken cellar, and a
foreign scented letter, that troubled her more than all the rest
together:--
_Trincomalee, September 25, 18--._
DEAREST SARAH,--I have many and many a time begun to write to
you, only to destroy bitter records of those sorrows which I
must continue to bear _alone_. Soon we shall be leaving this
ill-fated shore, where I have passed so many miserable years
gazing with longing eyes at the broad expanse lying so calm and
indifferent before me.
Before long Admiral Palmer sails for England. He gives up his
command with great reluctance, and returns _via_ the Cape; but
I, in my weak state of health, dare risk no longer delay.
Friends--kind, good friends, Mrs. and Miss M'Grudder--have
offered to accompany me overland, sharing all expenses, and
visiting Venice and Titian's--the great master's glorious
works--_en route_, to say nothing of Raphael, and Angelo the
divine. We shall rest a week at Paris. I feel that after so
long a journey utter prostration will succeed to the excitement
which carries me through where I see others, more robust than
myself, failing on every side. And then I am in rags--a study
for Murillo himself! I cannot come among you all until my
wardrobe is replenished. How I look forward to the time when I
shall welcome my Dorothea--ours, I may say--for you have been
all but a mother to her. On my return I trust to find some
corner to make my nest; and for that purpose I should wish to
spend a week or two in London, so as to be within easy reach of
all. Sarah, my first husband's sister, will you help me; for
the love of 'auld lang syne,' will you spare a little corner in
your dear old house? Expensive hotels I cannot afford. My dear
friends here agree that Admiral Palmer's ungraciously-given
allowances are beggarly and unworthy of his high position. How
differently dear Stan would have wished him to act! Silver and
gold have I none--barely sufficient for my own dress. Those
insurances were most unfairly given against the widow and the
orphan. Tell my darlings this; tell them, too, that all that I
have is theirs. When I think that for the last six years, ever
since my second marriage, a tyrant will has prevented me from
folding them to my heart, indignation nearly overcomes the
prudence so foreign to my nature. Once more, fond love to you,
to my boy, and to _ma fille_; and trusting before long to be
once more at home,
Ever your very affectionate
PHILIPPA.
P.S.--Since writing the above few lines, I find that my husband
wishes to compass my death. He again proposes my returning with
him by the Cape. Sarah, will you spare me the corner of a
garret beneath your roof?
The letter was scented with some faint delicious perfume. 'Here, take it
away,' says Lady Sarah. 'Faugh! Of course she knows very well that she
can have the best bed-room, and the dressing-room for her maid; and you,
my poor Dolly, will have a little amusement and some one better fitted
to----'
'Don't,' cries Dolly, jumping forward with a kiss.