'INNER LIFE.'
The idea of a man's interviewing himself is rather odd to be
sure. But then that is what we are all of us doing every day. I
talk half the time to find out my own thoughts, as a schoolboy
turns his pockets inside out to see what is in them.
--O. W. Holmes.
The next time Raban came to town, he called again at Church House. Then
he began to go to John Morgan's, whom he had known and neglected for
years. He was specially kind to Rhoda and gentle in his manner when he
spoke to her. Cassie, who had experience, used to joke her about her
admirer. Not unfrequently Dolly would be in Old Street during that
summer, and the deeply-interested recipient of the girls' confidences.
'Cassie, do you really mean that he has fallen in love with Rhoda?' said
Dolly. 'Indeed he is not half good enough for her.' But all the same,
the thought of his admiration for her friend somewhat softened Dolly's
feelings towards Raban.
Rhoda herself was mysterious. One day she gave up wearing her diamond
cross, and appeared instead with a pretty pearl locket. She would not
say where she had got it. Zoe said it was like Cassie's. 'Had John given
it to her?' Rhoda shook her head.
Dolly did not like it, and took Rhoda seriously to task. 'Rhoda, how
silly to make a mystery about nothing!' Rhoda laughed.
Except for occasional troubles about George, things were going well at
Church House that autumn. Raban sent a warning letter once, which made
Dolly very angry. The Admiral talked of coming home in the following
spring. Dolly's heart beat at the thought of her mother's return. But
meanwhile she was very happy. Robert used to come not unfrequently.
Rhoda liked coming when he was there; they would all go out when dinner
was over, and sit upon the terrace and watch the sun setting calmly
behind the medlar-tree and the old beech walk. Kensington has special
tranquil hours of its own, happy jumbles of old bricks and sunset. The
pigeons would come from next door with a whirr, and with round breasts
shining in the light; the ivy-leaves stood out green and crisp; the
birds went flying overhead and circling in their evening dance. Three
together, then two, then a lonely one in pursuit.
Dolly stood watching them one evening, in the autumn of that year, while
her aunt and Henley were talking. John Morgan, who had come to fetch
Rhoda home, was discoursing, too, in cheerful tones, about the voice of
nature I think it was. 'You do not make enough allowance for the voice
of nature,' the curate was saying. 'You cannot blame a man because he is
natural, because his impulse cries out against rules and restrictions.'
As he spoke a bell in the ivy wall began to jangle from outside, and
Dolly and Rhoda both looked up curiously, wondering who it could be.
'Rules are absolutely necessary restrictions,' said Henley, stirring his
coffee; 'we are lost if we trust to our impulses. What are our bodies
but concrete rules?'
'I wonder if it could be George?' interrupted Dolly.
'Oh, no,' said Rhoda, quickly, 'because----' Then she stopped short.
'Because what, Rhoda?' said Lady Sarah, looking at her curiously. The
girl blushed up, and seemed embarrassed, and began pulling the ribbon
and the cross round her neck. It had come out again the last few days.
'Have you heard anything of George?' Lady Sarah went on.
'How should I?' said Rhoda, looking up; then she turned a little pale,
then she blushed again. 'Dolly, look,' she said, 'who is it?'
It was Mr. Raban, the giver of the diamond cross, who came walking up
along the side-path, following old Sam. There was a little scrunching of
chair-legs to welcome him. John Morgan shook him by the hand. Lady Sarah
looked pleased.
'This was kind of you,' she said.
Raban looked shy. 'I am afraid you won't think so,' he said. 'I wanted a
few minutes' conversation with you.'
Rhoda opened her wide brown eyes. Henley, who had said a stiff
'How-dy-do?' and wished to go on with the conversation, now addressed
himself to Dolly.
'I always doubt the fact when people say that impulse is the voice of
one's inner life. I consider that principle should be its real
interpretation.'
Nobody exactly understood what he meant, nor did he himself, if the
truth were to be told; but the sentence had occurred to him.
'An inner life,' said Dolly, presently, looking at the birds. 'I wonder
what it means? I don't think I have got one.'
'No, Dolly,' said Lady Sarah, kindly, 'it is very often only another
name for remorse. Not yet, my dear--that has not reached you yet.'
'An inner life,' repeated Rhoda, standing by. 'Doesn't it mean all those
things you don't talk about--religion and principles?' she said,
faltering a little, with a shy glance at Frank Raban. Henley had just
finished his coffee, and heard her approvingly. He was going again to
enforce the remark, when Dolly, as usual, interrupted him.
'But there is _nothing_ one doesn't talk about,' said the Dolly of those
days, standing on the garden-step, with all her pretty loops of brown
hair against the sun.
'I wish you would preach a sermon, Mr. Morgan, and tell people to take
care of their outer lives,' said Lady Sarah, over her coffee-pot, 'and
keep _them_ in order while they have them, and leave their souls to take
care of themselves. We have all read of the figs and the thistles. Let
us cultivate figs; that is the best thing we can do.'
'Dear Aunt Sarah,' said Dolly prettily, and looking up suddenly, and
blushing, 'here we all are sitting under your fig-tree.'
Dolly having given vent to her feelings suddenly blushed up. All their
eyes seemed to be fixed upon her. What business had Mr. Raban to look at
her so gravely?
'I wonder if the cocks and hens are gone to roost,' said my heroine,
confused; and, jumping down from the step, she left the coffee-drinkers
to finish their coffee.
Lady Sarah had no great taste for art or for _bric-a-brac_. Mr. Francis
had been a collector, and from him she had inherited her blue china, but
she did not care at all for it. She had one fancy, however,--a poultry
fancy,--which harmlessly distracted many of her spare hours. With a
cheerful cluck, a pluming, a spreading out of glistening feathers, a
strutting and champing, Lady Sarah's cocks and hens used to awake
betimes in the early morning. The cocks would chaunt matutinal hymns to
the annoyance of the neighbourhood, while the hens clucked a cheerful
accompaniment to the strains. The silver trumpets themselves would not
have sounded pleasanter to Lady Sarah's ears than this crowing noise of
her favourites. She had a little temple erected for this choir. It was a
sort of pantheon, where all parts of the world were represented, divided
off by various latitudinal wires. There were creve-coeurs from the
Pyrenees, with their crimson crests and robes of black satin; there were
magi from Persia, puffy, wind-blown, silent, and somewhat melancholy:
there were Polish warriors, gallant and splendid, with an air of
misfortune so courageously surmounted that fortune itself would have
looked small beside it. Then came the Dorkings, feathery and speckly,
with ample wings outstretched, clucking common-place English to one
another.
To-night, however, the clarions were silent, the warriors were sleepy,
the cocks and hens were settling themselves comfortably in quaint fluffy
heaps upon their roosts, with their portable feather-beds shaken out,
and their bills snugly tucked into the down.
Dolly was standing admiring their strength of mind, in retiring by broad
daylight from the nice cheerful world, into the dismal darkened
bed-chamber they occupied. As Dolly stood outside in the sunset, peeping
into the dark roosting-place, she heard voices coming along the path,
and Lady Sarah speaking in a very agitated voice.
'Cruel boy,' she said, 'what have I done, what have I left undone that
he should treat me so ill?'
They were close to Dolly, who started away from the hen-house, and ran
up to meet her aunt with a sudden movement.
'What is it? Why is he----_Who_ is cruel?' said Dolly, and she turned a
quick, reproachful look upon Raban. What had he been saying?
'I meant to spare you, my dear,' said Lady Sarah, trembling very much,
and putting her hand upon Dolly's shoulder. 'I have no good news for
you; but sooner or later you must know it. Your brother has been
behaving as badly as possible. He has put his name to some bills. Mr.
Raban heard of it by chance. Wretched boy! he might be arrested. It is
hard upon me, and cruel of George.'
They were standing near the hen-house still, and a hen woke up from her
dreams with a sleepy cluck. Lady Sarah was speaking passionately and
vehemently, as she did when she was excited; Raban was standing a little
apart in the shadow.
Dolly listened with a hanging head. She could say nothing. It all seemed
to choke her; she let her Aunt Sarah walk on--she stood quite still,
thinking it over. Then came a gleam of hope. She felt as if Frank Raban
must be answerable somehow for George's misdemeanours. Was it all true,
she began to wonder. Mr. Raban, dismal man that he was, delighted in
warnings and croakings. Then Dolly raised her head, and found that the
dismal man had come back, and was standing beside her. He looked so
humble and sorry that she felt he must be to blame.
'What have you been telling Aunt Sarah?' said Dolly, quite fiercely.
'Why have you made her so angry with my brother?'
'I am afraid it is your brother himself who has made her angry,' said
Raban. 'I needn't tell you that I am very sorry,' he added, looking very
pale; 'I would do anything I could to help him. I came back to talk to
you about it now.'
'I don't want to hear any more,' cried Dolly, with great emotion. 'Why
do you come at all? What can I say to you, to ask you to spare my poor
George? It only vexes _her_. You don't understand him--how should you?'
Then melting, 'If you knew all his tenderness and cleverness?'--she
looked up wistfully; for once she did not seem stern, but entreating;
her eyes were full of tears as she gazed into his face. There was
something of the expression that he had seen in the studio.
'It is because I do your brother full justice,' said Raban, gravely,
looking at her fixedly, 'that I have cared to interfere.'
Dolly's eyes dilated, her mouth quivered. Why did she look at him like
that? He could not bear it. With a sudden impulse--one of those which
come to slow natures, one such as that which had wrecked his life
before--he said in a low voice, 'Do you know that I would do anything in
the world for you and yours?'
'No, I don't know it,' said Dolly. 'I know that you seem to disapprove
of everything I say, and that you think the worst of my poor George;
that you don't care for him a bit.'
'The worst!' Raban said. 'Ah! Miss Vanborough, do you think it so
impossible to love those people of whose conduct you think the worst?'
She was beginning to speak. He would not let her go on. 'Won't you give
me a right to interfere?' he said; and he took a step forward, and stood
close up to her, with a pale, determined face. 'There are some past
things which can never be forgotten, but a whole life may atone for
them. Don't you think so?' and he put out his hand. Dolly did not in the
least understand him, or what was in his mind.
'Nobody ever did any good by preaching and interfering,' cried the angry
sister, ignoring the outstretched hand. 'How can _you_, of all
people----?' She stopped short; she felt that it was ungenerous to call
up the past: but in George's behalf she could be mean, spiteful, unjust,
if need be, to deliver him from this persecution,--so Dolly chose to
call it.
She was almost startled by the deep cold tone of Frank's voice, as he
answered, 'It is because I know what I am speaking of, Miss Vanborough,
that I have an excuse for interfering before it is too late. You, at all
events, who remember my past troubles, need not have reminded me of
them.'
Heartless, cruel girl, she had not understood him. It was as well that
she could not read his heart or guess how cruelly she had wounded him.
He would keep his secret henceforth. Who was he to love a beautiful,
peerless woman, in her pride and the triumph of her unsullied youth. He
looked once more at the sweet, angry face. No, she had not understood
him; so much he could see in her clear eyes. A minute ago they had been
full of tears. The tears were all dry now; the angel was gone!
So an event had occurred to Dolly of which she knew nothing. She was
utterly unconscious as she came sadly back to the house in the twilight.
The pigeons were gone to roost. Lady Sarah was sitting alone in the
darkling room.
'What a strange man Mr. Raban is, and how oddly and unkindly he talks,'
said Dolly, going to the chimney and striking a light.
'What did he say?' said Lady Sarah.
'I don't quite remember,' said Dolly; 'it was all so incoherent and
angry. He said he would do anything for us, and that he could never
forgive George.'