During the summer of 1751 I saw with affectionate anxiety a great
change in the health of my brother Lawrence. I remember no event of
my life which caused me more concern. Since our father’s death he had
been both father and friend. Had it not been for him, I should not have
known Mr. Fairfax and his cousin, Lord Fairfax, nor without their help
could I have become employed in a way which brought about my service on
the frontier and all that came after. Thus, in the providence of the
Ruler of the events of this world, one step leads on to another, and we
are always being educated for that which is to come.
At last, in September, Lawrence, who had been long ill of a phthisical
complaint, asked me to go with him to the Barbados. Therefore, while
Mr. Gist’s surveys on the Ohio went on, and both English and French
were making bids to secure the Indians, we were on the sea. It is far
from my purpose to recall what, after a constant habit, is set down in
my diary. I lost in the Barbados what good looks a clear skin gave me,
because of a mild attack of smallpox, such as a third of the human race
must expect, and I remain slightly pitted to this day.
What most struck me in the islands was the richness of the soil, and
yet that nearly all the planters were in debt, and estates over-billed
and alienated. They were all spendthrifts, and I remind myself that
I resolved at that time never to be in the grasp of the enemy called
Debt. How persons coming to estates of three hundred or four hundred
acres could want was to me most wonderful.
Lawrence now declared for Bermuda, and as he seemed better, I felt able
to leave him and return. To be torn by the demands of public duty on
the one hand and by the call of affection on the other, I have many
times been subjected to. Lawrence insisted that matters at home made
urgent my return, and, indeed, through life I have always held that the
public service comes first.
I reached home in the ship _Industry_, in February, 1752, having had
enough of the sea in a five weeks’ voyage, and very stormy.
Lawrence was at times better and desired to remain a year in Bermuda,
and for me to fetch his wife. But soon his mind changed, and he wrote
that he was resolved to hurry home, as he said, to his grave.
In the little time that was between his return and his passing away,
I was much in his company――nor have I ever since been long without
thought of him; for, although I am not disposed to speak much of
sorrow, nor ever was, his great patience under suffering, and how he
would never complain, but comfort his wife and me as if we were those
in pain, and not he, have often been in my mind, and particularly of
late, since the increase of my own infirmities has reminded me that the
end of life cannot be very remote.
I am of opinion that I must have seemed, when younger, to be a dull,
plodding lad; but, as time went on, Lawrence came to think more of me
than did any, except Lord Fairfax, and in this his last illness gave
me such evidence of his esteem as greatly strengthened my hope that I
should justify his belief in me.
General Hamilton once asked me whether I did not think that at the
approach of death men seem sometimes to acquire such clearness of
mind as they might be thought to obtain beyond the grave. I had to
reply that such considerations were remote from my usual subjects of
reflection; but what he then said, although I had no suitable reply,
reminded me of certain things Lawrence said to me, and of his certainty
that I should attain honourable distinction. I thought him then more
affectionate than just, for I have never esteemed myself very highly;
but I know that I have never ceased to do what I believed to be my
duty, and as to this my conscience is clear.
My dear Lawrence died at Mount Vernon, July 12, 1752, aged thirty-five
years, and thus I lost the man who had most befriended me. As his
infant daughter Sarah inherited his estate, and I, although only twenty
years old, was one of his executors, my time was fully occupied by this
and by the increase of public duties, which were made heavy by the want
of good officers and by the insubordination and drunkenness of their
men. Even then I saw what must come of it all if we had a serious war,
for the militia could not by law be used more than five miles outside
of the colony, and we should have to rely upon volunteers for more
extended service.
The little maid, my niece, at Mount Vernon, did not live long after
her father’s death, and thus, as I have before stated, in 1754 the
estate fell to me under the will of my father. It was charged with a
life-interest in favour of my brother’s wife, who soon married Mr.
George Lee of Westmoreland. I was obligated to pay her fifteen thousand
pounds of tobacco yearly; and as the estate, because of Lawrence’s
illness, had fallen away, I was little the better for the property
until her death in 1761.